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I Called In Sick Today


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She had tears in her eyes when she told me how much she liked it. At least my taste in women is... absolutely terrible.
Let's be honest though Wang:1. She seems like good people.2. You REALLY liked her.Nothing about this is stupid, it just makes you more attractive to US!
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and after 3 days, he is risen!

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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After careful consideration, and a trip through my gmail archives to get the archives cleaned up, I have come to an unimportant conclusion. Simply put, I need to be punished for being a complete and total faggot, and the only way I know to do that is to embarrass myself publicly, and the only way I know to do that is to print this. I absolutely can not believe I wrote and sent this to a woman simply to get a blowjob. Even more frightening: I think I meant it at the time. I am deleting it permanently from my gmail inbox, and destroying the hand-written original the moment I get home, but before I can do that, I must be properly shamed. I will probably never come back here again, since this is easily the most humiliating thing I've ever shared with anyone. Anything that raises my humiliation tolerance is good, though, considering it's already got to be in the 90th percentile or better.Eric and Inkie"Doesn't it bother you that I'm not a sturgeon?""What?""I said: 'Doesn't it bother you? That I'm not a sturgeon?'"Eric Sturgeon wrestled with the question for a few moments, and even though he already had an answer, he didn't know exactly how to give it."No.""Well? Why not? I'd think it would bother you."Now that he thought about it, Eric Sturgeon didn't really understand the question at all, and most definitely did not have a satisfactory answer. He understood parts of it -- he recognized all the nouns and verbs, for example -- but he didn't know what it meant. Does it bother him? That she's not a sturgeon? Does it bother him that North is always up on maps? Does it bother him that gravity and tides have something to do with the moon? He supposed he could find some reason to be annoyed -- the North/South thing really never made any sense to him, and he's always had the impression that Africa and South America are bigger than the mapmakers are letting on -- but as to the question of whether it bothered him that she's not a sturgeon, well, that seemed ridiculous."I don't know, Inkie Salamander. It just doesn't."*****"I have to go.""Okay."Eric watched as Inkie climbed out of the water, up onto the riverbed, and began to make her way upstream. Eric closed his eyes, and thought about how easy it would be to just relax and let the river carry him. There were plenty of sturgeon downstream, trout and salmon, too. Swimming upstream was such hard work, and sometimes he got so tired. But Inkie was headed upstream, so he opened his eyes and started swimming.The more he swam, the sillier he felt. Did Inkie want him to follow her?She never told him not to.She still got out of the water.There was really nothing to do but keep swimming.*****"Eric, you always seem so tired."Eric let the river carry him and thought about that. He supposed she was right. Swimming was hard work, but that wasn't her fault. Sometimes it just took him a few minutes to catch his breath, that's all. Maybe he was tired at first, but Inkie energized him, and, after all, they weren't swimming upstream anymore. When they were together, they just let the river take them back to where they started. "I'm not tired. I just need to relax a little. Have I ever told you about the time my friend tried to trick me into eating caviar?"*****"I have to go.""Okay."Eric closed his eyes. It seemed like the trip was getting longer every time, but that was okay, because he was getting stronger. Eric opened his eyes and started swimming. There was really nothing to do but keep swimming.
The only way this could properly shame you is if this became one of those stupid email forwards. It seems like that kind of thing. We could even let Rose put a bunch of dancing roses and hearts at the bottom. Then have each of us forward it to at least 30 people.
Anyone want to see one of my projects for copywriting? You dooooOOOOO??agmoustache.jpg
... currently on display at the DES MOINES ART CENTER!!!!http://www.desmoinesartcenter.org/exhibiti...x_meredith.html
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can't run cause of the snow and it's too god damn cold to do anything else
They do have indoor pools in...wherever the hell you are.
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moustride.jpg
This is SURE to bring the client some attention. GOOD WORK!
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The only way this could properly shame you is if this became one of those stupid email forwards. It seems like that kind of thing. We could even let Rose put a bunch of dancing roses and hearts at the bottom. Then have each of us forward it to at least 30 people.
this.... this right here. this is an EXCELLENT IDEA. jesus, we should do this. wang would be kinda famous!
They do have indoor pools in...wherever the hell you are.
ooooh, no. no they don't.actually there is one at the y, but the membership is really damn high and couple that with the fact that the only times I'd be able to go (it's 45 minutes away from my house, so before work or after work) it is RIDICULOUSLY crowded, so that's a no go.
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this.... this right here. this is an EXCELLENT IDEA. jesus, we should do this. wang would be kinda famous!
His humiliation would be complete as soon as at least 3 of us receive it BACK through some intermediary.
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Sandals are Beans/Sal approved footwear....
oh yeah, I was gonna say go ahead and wear what you want. chainsaw makes it down that way you ain't gonna have a foot left anyways, might as well be comfortable.
The shoes I was wearing were quite sturdy. I've recently volunteered at the local volunteer emergency services (I didn't get into the fire department, so this is a good way to get some experience for the next time I apply) and they are learning to use chainsaws at the moment, and they have strict safety guidelines. I'm not a full member yet, I haven't even done the induction course, so I haven't been given boots to wear, and they didn't have any spare in my size.
its this fucking weather, man. i'm on day three over here. but i think its starting to clear up.
It's not the weather. I was the sickest I've ever been in February for 2 weeks. And it's summer here.
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beat: left work at 12:30 today, came home and slept from 1 -> 6. still feel craptastic.brag: have pooped like 8 times todayvariance: made more $ today feeling like death and only working 4 hours than monday or tues. lol skillaments

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i haven't gotten sick in like 10 years, and i feel something nasty coming on. like, when i cough, it feels like someone's hitting me in the head with a hammer. this can't be good.
Was gonna write something but...
Congratulations.... I didnt know you got married
this was funnier than anything I could think of and...
sounds like aids to me. sucks bro.
so was this. I suck hard
I haven't worked out hardly at all this week. can't run cause of the snow and it's too god damn cold to do anything else, so I figured I'd just take a week off. let the guns heal up you know. THE GUNS ARE TIRED AND NEED A VACATION.
RELOAD THE GUNS!!!!
They do have indoor pools in...wherever the hell you are.
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHANoBTW, those are called "Toilets" in his town, not indoor pools
It's not the weather. I was the sickest I've ever been in February for 2 weeks. And it's summer here.
Was gonna make a joke, but once again...
MOVE TO A REAL HEMISPHERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
bested by a better manI gotta say, the joke writing is easier in real time and when you're in the flow of the conversations. This ketchup shit is for the birds.
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MOVE TO A REAL HEMISPHERE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
hahahaha
BTW, those are called "Toilets" in his town, not indoor pools
Everywhere but at sals house....The Tidy Bowl man ice skates in his
The mans put away a lot of blow...Short story about Robin before I doze off.... getting up with the chickens sals is for the birdsA few years back I got a call from Roller Wilson (quirky artist friend of mine) saying that he needed someone to run a friend down to the local airport. He couldnt do it because the painting he was involved in was "sucking the demons out of him" and he wanted to ride the wave as long as possible. I probably should mention that it was about midnight at the time...Anyway, I crawled (literally) into a car and drove the twenty or so minutes up there. The house is three stories tall and covered completely in sheetmetal. Sals paradise, so to speak. On his front door is written "Donald Roller Wilson...specializing in the storage of all types of corn, including cream style" as a jab at himself for living in what appears to be a siloI walked thru the wrought iron gate and around the back of the structure where the studio is located and banged on the solid steel door. A few seconds later it slowly opened to a pitch black room. I was expecting him to be sitting in front of an easel with hundreds of unfinished paintings hanging all around him, so the darkness immediately concerned meAbout the time I was about to say his name, the lights came on and revealed Robin Williams standing there wearing bright red lipstick and a Jamaican style hat complete with apples and bananas around the brim"HEY-OOOOOOOO BEANS MA MANNNNNNNNNN! COM IN AN JOIN DA PARTEEEE WE GOT BOOZE AN GIRLS AN BOOZE AN GIRLS.... NOW COM HERE AN GIMMMME A GRET BIGO KISS ON DA MOUPH!"Three hours and a ton of stories later I took him the the Citation waiting at the airportI figure it was the least I could do for the guy that named my kidedited to prevent endless teasing
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hahahahaEverywhere but at sals house....The Tidy Bowl man ice skates in hisThe mans put away a lot of blow...Short story about Robin before I doze off.... getting up with the chickens sals is for the birdsA few years back I got a call from Roller Wilson (quirky artist friend of mine) saying that he needed someone to run a friend down to the local airport. He couldnt do it because the painting he was involved in was "sucking the demons out of him" and he wanted to ride the wave as long as possible. I probably should mention that it was about midnight at the time...Anyway, I crawled (literally) into a car and drove the twenty or so minutes up there. The house is three stories tall and covered completely in sheetmetal. Sals paradise, so to speak. On his front door is written "Donald Roller Wilson...specializing in the storage of all types of corn, including cream style" as a jab at himself for living in what appears to be a siloI walked thru the wrought iron gate and around the back of the structure where the studio is located and banged on the solid steel door. A few seconds later it slowly opened to a pitch black room. I was expecting him to be sitting in front of an easel with hundreds of unfinished paintings hanging all around him, so the darkness immediately concerned meAbout the time I was about to say his name, the lights came on and revealed Robin Williams standing there wearing bright red lipstick and a Jamaican style hat complete with apples and bananas around the brim"HEY-OOOOOOOO BEANS MA MANNNNNNNNNN! COM IN AN JOIN DA PARTEEEE WE GOT BOOZE AN GIRLS AN BOOZE AN GIRLS.... NOW COM HERE AN GIMMMME A GRET BIGO KISS ON DA MOUPH!"Three hours and a ton of stories later I took him the the Citation waiting at the airportI figure it was the least I could do for the guy that named my kidedited to prevent endless teasing
<Insert standard amazement/disbelief statement from yours truly>Dangit, you're a cool dude Beans. I would move to Arkansas next week if you were hiring.**pending the sale of my DQ®.
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