I Called In Sick Today

[Voldemort 0]

A Brief Review1145pm- Ashley arrives at my place1155pm- My roommate vacates1205am- "You know, that Bacardi isn't going to drink itself, honey."1240am- "I've made a huge mistake."305am- "Hey, I've got to be up pretty early, and I'm sure you don't want to be woken up by my alarm at eight o'clock, so..."315am- Ashley asks for a comfy shirt to sleep in. Wang realizes his hint was not taken how he'd hoped.500am- "I've made a huge mistake."800am- ("Trill" by Clipse plays on Derek's phone, functioning as his alarm)809am- Oatmeal and cottage cheese for breakfast830am- Wang gets in shower840am- Ashley gets in shower843am- Wang leaves shower, gets dressed850am- Ashley puts Derek's comfy shirt back on. What the **** does THAT mean?900am- A conversation:Ashley: "So what time do you get back from class?"Wang: "Pretty late. I'm on campus most of the day. I might come home and grab a quick lunch around 4, but I've got a tax class from 7-10."Ashley: "Want me to wait around for you? be all domestic?"Wang: "Nah, roomie should be back around noon, so..."Ashley: "Really? I'd like to get to know him!"Wang: (bites fist, wonders if Xanax cravings in the morning is a sign of abuse)Ashley: "We'll go to lunch, talk about you. You know, I have no idea what you've been up to since college. I'd like to get the scoooooooop." (Here, Ashley does a weird dance move where she slowly bends way down, then pops up and puts her hands on her hips. I cannot describe how weird it made me feel.)Wang: "No, that's not necessary. I played a lot of poker, drank until life had no beginning middle or end, acted ridiculous, and then stopped. That's all there is."Ashley: "Well, what about girlfriends and stuff? I mean, I know you're trying to protect my feelings so you won't tell me, but I can get it out of him for sure."Wang: (in head) "I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU. I hate you."Wang: (out loud) "Nah, there's not much to tell. I got dumped by a single mom recently. But she claimed she liked me more than Matthew Lillard, so that was a nice little confidence booster."Ashley: "Awww..." (puts hand on my cheek) Ashley: (very sincerely) "She didn't know what she was missing..."Wang: (decides to change tactics) "Hey you want to see my photo album of exgirlfriends? My portfolio of Girls With Low Self-Esteem?"915am- We flip through the portfolio, chronicling every girl I've ever dated, starting in highschool. There is a drunken picture of Ashley on page 4. She is unhappy, and offers to replace it with a better picture. I decline.945am- Derek pretends to finish writing a paper for a class. I am actually checking early NBA lines, checking out baseball stuff, and deciding how I want to handle my 2009 MLB bankroll. Quite productive. I decided on 30% long-term positions (win totals, division bets, AL/NL bets, World Series bets) and a 70% liquid, short-term fund.1035am- Wang: "Okay, I'm off to class. I'll... talk to you later."Ashley: "I leave on Friday."Wang: "I know."Ashley: "What are we going to do ab-"Wang: "We'll discuss it later. Let's just, uh, live in the moment for now."1038am- (Derek is walking out the door.) Ashley: "I have a boyfriend." (Derek pauses in the doorway. Says nothing. Closes door. Best news I've ever ****ing heard.)1140am- (text message from "Smashley") "u didn't say anything. are u mad?"1148am- (text message from "Smashley") "say something"I don't understand anything. t-minus 3 days and counting....

Hahahaha....so many good things in here.

[Sal Paradise 57]

Hey, I take 2 years getting the prereq's for vet school, you can do it for b-school, right? Am I right? Eh, comrade?

oh don't get me wrong, I'd love to go back to undergrad for another 2 years and then to grad school for another 2, it's just that whole "not making money and going into another 100k in debt" thing that's got me. plus, if I'm reading the requirements right, they're saying that I have to have all the reqs completed in the last 5 years, and all of the reqs are pretty much 4 years worth of education. does that even sound right to anybody? I remember back in school I went to a seminar talking about bschool and they said that most people wait at least 5 years before even applying, so that wouldn't add up.

I don't know what that means. Is it a reference to the British do-it-all media giant?

bitches be crazy man, bitches be crazy.

[CindyLou 11]

Yeah, I mean, I just wanted to say how much I've enjoyed these little stories of yours, but I didn't want to just say, "lol." However, stories in which there is some loathing and uncomfortableness (considering if that's a real word...thinking about looking it up...decides to just go with it) are your bread and butter.

[strategy 4]

here, i can give you an mba in one word:ZOMGSYNERGY/$100k

hahaha

[Quacktastic 106]

here, i can give you an mba in one word:ZOMGSYNERGY/$100k

ouch

[Voldemort 0]

ouch

He's gone.

[Tactical Bear 3]

You know, I give the impression that Ashley is a retarded, blond-haired, dancing ditz, but she is, in all likelihood, the most intelligent woman I have ever dated. It's probably a 3-horse race, but I bet she'd win by at least a half-length. She has a Biopsych degree from the University of Michigan. It's very likely that she's more intelligent than I am. She's insane and outrageous, and obviously has some problems synthesizing various human stimuli and coming to a rational conclusion with respect to the optimal course of action, but that absolutely does not change the fact that her IQ is probably somewhere between 135 and 150. I don't recall her exact score, but she was in the 99th %ile on both the SAT and the ACT. So let's summarize:1) Pretty (~85/100)2) Smart (90/100)3) Successful, accomplished, and financially well-to-do (80/100)4) Has performed on the stage and TV (75/100)How does all that sum to: Wants Derek? Shouldn't there be a matching of a person's skills/general desirability and a prospective mate's skills/general desirability? I am:1) At best, not ugly (60/100)2) Smart (90/100)3) Unsuccessful, unaccomplished, reasonably poor, and a definite failure (35/100)4) N/A (5/100) I would weight the importance of these categories something like (1) 40% (2) 10% (3) 25% (4) 5% The additional 20% should probably be attributed to some kind of general, catch-all category like "Personality." As much as she annoys me, she's a fun girl with a reasonable sense of humor and a solid social skills. Put her and I in a room with the right people, and I think I'd have an edge, but among the general populace, she'd probably beat me handily. I'm some combination of silly, sour, and cynical, which probably doesn't play all that well. Even if we call this a draw and throw it out, we get the following Desirability Index:Her: 85(.40) + 90(.1) + 80(.25) + 75(.05) = 66.75/.8 = 83.5Me: 60(.40) + 90(.10) + 35(.25) + 5(.05) = 42/.8 = 52.5This is a huge HUGE gap. By my simple math, she's 60% more desirable than I am, in general. You can attribute taste to make up some of that gap -- perhaps she weights personality slightly more than most, or finds my "unique" appearance particularly pleasing -- but that could bump me up, what, maybe 20 basis points? Even so, I'm 10 points behind. What closes that gap, then? My guess: her incredibly low self-esteem. Instead of seeing herself as an 82.5 and me as a 52.5, she sees me as a 70 and herself as a 65, likely because:1) Initially rejected her advances time and time again2) Broke up with her and basically gave her the Michael Corleone speech. "Ashley, you're nothing to me now. You're not a girlfriend, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the tailgates, I don't want you near my house. When you see our friends, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand."3) Her daddy didn't love her. I am sure this interests me more than anyone else, but the dynamics of human relationships are fascinating to me.EDIT- I decided I'm going to develop a 5-tool desirability schedule more thoroughly, so if anybody has some modification suggestions, please, I'm all ears. I'm leaning towards: "looks, personality, wealth/success, intelligence, OTHER/INTANGIBLE," but I am not married to that. I am not sure what the weights are going to be just yet, but, again, suggestions are welcome. Let's get this done, guys. Ladies (Renee? Nikki? Cindy? Zimmer?), you could probably help. There might even have to be different weights for each sex. For example, women care (in general) much more about status/wealth than men do, and men probably care more about the raw looks component. I have to go to class soon, but I might even end up making a new thread about this later.

[mk 11]

"Ashley, you're nothing to me now. You're not a girlfriend, you're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the tailgates, I don't want you near my house. When you see our friends, I want to know a day in advance, so I won't be there. You understand."

d'you 'member when pacino didn't overact and scream at the top of his lungs all the time, and he could just be still and whisper and be colder than any other actor working?that was awesome.i blame depalma

[Randy Reed 0]

I've always had an irrational hatred of Jay Mohr. Ever since I saw him in Picture Perfect I just had this instinctive feeling that someday he will be revealed as a rapist or an abuser or something awful. There's just something evil about him.

I like him when he calls in on Jim Rome during the smackoff though.

This seriously cracked me up.Should I feel a little bit guilty for thoroughly enjoying your tales of woe?

HAHA, I couldn't help but picture it either. Great story WangBear.

[Tactical Bear 3]

d'you 'member when pacino didn't overact and scream at the top of his lungs all the time, and he could just be still and whisper and be colder than any other actor working?that was awesome.i blame depalma

Yah, Scarface was the worst thing that has ever happened, ever. Why do people get so confused about intensity? Sometimes intensity is directed inwards; it's focused, but bubbles out, still and muted.

[Sal Paradise 57]

wang, I think you may actually be retarded.

[strategy 4]

:OIJLKFJP*@) why does depositing $1k have to be so hard

[Tactical Bear 3]

wang, I think you may actually be retarded.

Because I spent 30 minutes doing that write-up instead of my accounting homework, which is due in 15 minutes?

[mk 11]

:OIJLKFJP*@) why does depositing $1k have to be so hard

McD's direct deposit to Stars ftw

[Sal Paradise 57]

Because I spent 30 minutes doing that write-up instead of my accounting homework, which is due in 15 minutes?

yeah, that'd be it

[Napa_Don 688]

Because I spent 30 minutes doing that write-up instead of my accounting homework, which is due in 15 minutes?

I will do your acct homework in exchange for awesomeness lessons.

[silkyjonson 1]

d'you 'member when pacino didn't overact and scream at the top of his lungs all the time, and he could just be still and whisper and be colder than any other actor working?that was awesome.i blame depalma

Depalma may have ruined Pacino, but he made up for it with such inspiring and natural dance club scenes.

[brvheart 1,752]

That pic of Sarah Chalke is a great example of how women's boobs look like cow's udders when they bend over. When you think about it, boobs and udders are the same thing.

I've never thought about that. Amazing. Udders are like boobs... but on a cow. Brvheart must have one of the lowest joke recognition rates on here. Everyone always thinks he's being serious. -Cindylou

[mk 11]

i'm off to get my MEAT on-zimmer

[IQCrash 1]

Updates: Dad is being discharged from hospital today. Very much a relief. He still needs to take antibiotics and they're going to retest his kidney in 10 days, but at least he's getting out and is better.The penis is fully functional again. Thank goodness. Just found out that a chick I used to get high with was the lead singer of a pretty popular band. Not sure what good this information is besides bragging rights.

[Quacktastic 106]

EDIT- I decided I'm going to develop a 5-tool desirability schedule more thoroughly, so if anybody has some modification suggestions, please, I'm all ears. I'm leaning towards: "looks, personality, wealth/success, intelligence, OTHER/INTANGIBLE," but I am not married to that. I am not sure what the weights are going to be just yet, but, again, suggestions are welcome. Let's get this done, guys. Ladies (Renee? Nikki? Cindy? Zimmer?), you could probably help. There might even have to be different weights for each sex. For example, women care (in general) much more about status/wealth than men do, and men probably care more about the raw looks component. I have to go to class soon, but I might even end up making a new thread about this later.

- There should be different "standard" scales for men and women. - Off of these standard scales, a questionaire could be given to modify the percentages slightly.- The max in any category should be 125 for extreme cases. - I'm guessing you will say no to this, but imagine having to try to rank wealth vs. a millionaire. Give reasonably wealthy (6 figures) a 100, and let the outliers get an extra boost.

[Quacktastic 106]

Just found out that a chick I used to get high with was the lead singer of a pretty popular band. Not sure what good this information is besides bragging rights.

Culture Club?

[ajs510 122]

Updates: Dad is being discharged from hospital today. Very much a relief. He still needs to take antibiotics and they're going to retest his kidney in 10 days, but at least he's getting out and is better.The penis is fully functional again. Thank goodness. Just found out that a chick I used to get high with was the lead singer of a pretty popular band. Not sure what good this information is besides bragging rights.

Glad to hear Poppa Crash is better. You got high with Hayley Williams?*Edit* Oh, *was*...I have no idea.

[speedz99 145]

There might even have to be different weights for each sex.

As long as it's not over a buck thirty for women.HEYOOO!!!!

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

I've always had an irrational hatred of Jay Mohr. Ever since I saw him in Picture Perfect I just had this instinctive feeling that someday he will be revealed as a rapist or an abuser or something awful. There's just something evil about him.

You're crazy, Jay Mohr is awesome. Not on tv or in movies, but on radio shows. Next time there's a holiday listen to 610am from 11-2, you will change your mind.

3) Her daddy didn't love her.

Math not necessary.

I like him when he calls in on Jim Rome during the smackoff though.

He guest hosted yesterday. Fantastic as usual.