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I Called In Sick Today


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Okay, so I have a really bad habit of saving all of my documents with inappropriate names. For example, my bookmaking balance sheet is entitled "DerekFisherIsA****ingQueer(BS)" and the income statement is called "DerekFisherIsA****ingQueer(IS)." I'm sure you can guess what my statement of cash flows and doubtful accounts analyses are saved as.I do this with school work, too. When I was in real college, I wrote a short paper on Emmanuel Kant, and turned it in via email, unfortunately still saved as "The Darnell Bing In Itself." I was proud of my little play on words, but my professor was a bit stuffy, didn't understand the reference, and was less than pleased. Since then, I've been very careful not to turn anything in without renaming it. Until today.I just turned in a folder of Access Databases and XML documents and whatnot. I attached the wrong folder, and these are the titles:"WhatUpWithYaBlackAss.xls""KingButt.accdb""IHateMyselfAndWantToDie.accdb""DarkieMcSirlointip.xls""TedDansonBlackFace.accdb"I'm going to have some explaining to do.My favorite is TedDansonBlackFace.

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and after 3 days, he is risen!

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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jeez, sal, i thought you were a real man. use your teeth.
Yeah, if i've been quiet and grouchy this week it's because i got some new ones. When I was youngI was in a car accident and knocked out my front bottom teeth. I had a partial and no one couldever real tell they were fake. I've lost a few more in the back over the years and finally had to get a new one (partial) this week. It really sucks. So the lesson, take care of your teeth.If anyone hasn't seen beans latest work on facebook it pretty awesome.I'm also surprised that he didn't do a pic of me, now toothless, in a yellow work out get-up, drinking a beerand smoking a cigarette or something.
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My favorite is TedDansonBlackFace.
As it should be.Yesterday on the way home I needed to get some Sour Cream for some Mexican food my wife was making for dinner, so I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. Lets say this store is the best store in a mediocre area, but it right on the main street on the way home and its easy to get in and out of.Upon arriving at the store and exiting my vehicle I sort of had a revelation looking around at all the really disgusting fat, inbred, toothless people: Most people are ugly, and a large percentage of them are hideously ugly. The lady that put me over the top had 3 or 4 teeth and one of them was about 1.2 inches long, protruding over her top lip. She looked some what like a real life version of the Simpson's Cat lady. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a lates 20's female who seemed 'hot' too me, so per my usual at a grocery store I veered in her direction to confirm my initial perception. She was indeed attractive, and I would have easily bed her (not from skill, just that she was definitely doable). But then I realized that I was comparing her to the hideous chuds I had been viewing prior to my meandering over to her. She was a solid 6.7/10, but no where near where I put here on the scale in this particular situation. Some how monseigneur Wang popped into my head. He is always claiming to be average at best. Now I have always considered myself to be average in most physical and mental capacities. But I realized, in this one moment, that this is just untrue.Here is where I probably lie on a normal SD scale for: Looks, Intelligence, Penis Length, and Fatness:SD1_hideousface.jpgSD1_dumbass.jpgSD1_theunhung.jpgSD1_beergut.jpgNow I know I am not a top decile performer. The only reason I moved up the scale is because of how many people there are on the low end of the spectrum. I think we all may be higher on the scale than we give our self credit for, based on what is really out there vs. societal perception.This was a really long way to say, damn there are some ugly mother fuckers out there. And I am in California, I fell bad for what some of you other have to run into on a day to day basis.
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As it should be.Yesterday on the way home I needed to get some Sour Cream for some Mexican food my wife was making for dinner, so I stopped at the grocery store on the way home. Lets say this store is the best store in a mediocre area, but it right on the main street on the way home and its easy to get in and out of.Upon arriving at the store and exiting my vehicle I sort of had a revelation looking around at all the really disgusting fat, inbred, toothless people: Most people are ugly, and a large percentage of them are hideously ugly. The lady that put me over the top had 3 or 4 teeth and one of them was about 1.2 inches long, protruding over her top lip. She looked some what like a real life version of the Simpson's Cat lady. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a lates 20's female who seemed 'hot' too me, so per my usual at a grocery store I veered in her direction to confirm my initial perception. She was indeed attractive, and I would have easily bed her (not from skill, just that she was definitely doable). But then I realized that I was comparing her to the hideous chuds I had been viewing prior to my meandering over to her. She was a solid 6.7/10, but no where near where I put here on the scale in this particular situation. Some how monseigneur Wang popped into my head. He is always claiming to be average at best. Now I have always considered myself to be average in most physical and mental capacities. But I realized, in this one moment, that this is just untrue.Here is where I probably lie on a normal SD scale for: Looks, Intelligence, Penis Length, and Fatness:SD1_hideousface.jpgSD1_dumbass.jpgSD1_theunhung.jpgSD1_beergut.jpgNow I know I am not a top decile performer. The only reason I moved up the scale is because of how many people there are on the low end of the spectrum. I think we all may be higher on the scale than we give our self credit for, based on what is really out there vs. societal perception.This was a really long way to say, damn there are some ugly mother fuckers out there. And I am in California, I fell bad for what some of you other have to run into on a day to day basis.
shouldn't it just be called "food"?
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I just love imagining Whoopi Goldberg and Ted Danson as a couple. It's like trying to imagine Buddha and Gandhi making out... I know if you got them in a room together it could happen, but the visual image is still totally surreal and unsettling.

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I would agree that the vast majority of the populace is aggressively unattractive, but I think I still encounter at least two to three random attractive women a day. In fact, one of them flipped me off today. I think she was flipping me off. It might’ve been directed to the car in front of her. Anyway, she was cute.

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I would agree that the vast majority of the populace is aggressively unattractive, but I think I still encounter at least two to three random attractive women a day. In fact, one of them flipped me off today. I think she was flipping me off. It might’ve been directed to the car in front of her. Anyway, she was cute.
two to three is a low estimate, i'd guess. i see more than that on a daily basis, and i make it a point to avoid venturing out into public as much as possible. this may affect my standards.
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two to three is a low estimate, i'd guess. i see more than that on a daily basis, and i make it a point to avoid venturing out into public as much as possible. this may affect my standards.
You work at a high end resort and your office over looks a spa. Your don't get to participate in this discussion with out pictorial proof.
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I would agree that the vast majority of the populace is aggressively unattractive, but I think I still encounter at least two to three random attractive women a day. In fact, one of them flipped me off today. I think she was flipping me off. It might’ve been directed to the car in front of her. Anyway, she was cute.
When I was younger and worked at the airport, (umm, 30 years ago) we had flying time and used to travel all over. Once I went to Puerto Rico for 4 days with another guy employee and a couple waitresses. We collectively brought some local home for a souvenier. He ended up staying with me for a while and I can remember one day in a park he said, "Damn Randy, everybody is sooo ugly here". It's always cracked me up.
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I live in Miami so I see tons of attractive women on a daily basis and tons of disgustingly fat women on a daily basis. Miami is a really strange place.

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To: BrvheartRe: Work TomorrowDear Brvheart,There is a very high chance that I will not make it into work at my normal 10 am-ish. I can explain further in person, but I am to drunk to make it make sense in text form (plus it wouldn't make any real sense anyways) as to why I will not make it in by 10 am...ish. I will probably be in around noon to three-ish. Yes, alcoholic beverages are involved. Please don't fire me.Hugs and Kisses,MeP.S. I could have done this in via phone and awoken all of your brood, so keep that in mind when you are deciding whether to fire me or not. P.P.S. Please, please don't fire me. P.P.P.S. I could make it in by 10 am, but I can not promise you that I would not still be drunk. I can, however, promise you that I would not drive while intoxicated because I would just make a freshmen drive me and then pick me up.
This might be one of the best things ever posted in this thread.Maybe.It was good.
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You know, I'm not "mechanically inclined" or "handy around the house" or "a real man," but I thought this was a joke at first.
Intoxication is the key...
I'm scared again.
As you should be....Its gonna be cheaper for me to box up those unwanted items around the shop and send them to you....landfill fees are ridiculous these days
I'm also surprised that he didn't do a pic of me, now toothless, in a yellow work out get-up, drinking a beerand smoking a cigarette or something.
And tending an herb garden?
The lady that put me over the top had 3 or 4 teeth and one of them was about 1.2 inches long, protruding over her top lip. She looked some what like a real life version of the Simpson's Cat lady.
Ill have to inform Shane that his date has migrated to California...
Move to the Ozarks and become Brad Pitt
I felt the air off of that slap but fortunately I dodged it by reaching for a beer at the last second...I dont need to be hanging around any beauty contests, but the girls around here whistle at me once in a whileIt must be a new trend to wear them on a string around their necks....
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I just turned on Balls of Fury and it's chock full of sex slave jokes. Maybe I should give the whole movie a shot.
I thought it was awful, and regretted my decision to give it a chance.
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Wang is still on top, but only by the slimmest of margins. Like "go out there and hit a single and you'll be on top" margins. You have twice as many posts as Wang and quantity has value (as long as there is still quality involved; obviously you can't blast your way to the top chrozzo-style).You guys are the top tier.Sal is by himself in the second tier.The third tier is me and Spademan. (I hope people realize that I'm like playing in old Coors field with hyper-inflated stats because I get all my jokes.)Fourth tier is SA21, Scram, LG, loogie, Dutch, vb, BigD, BG, LLY, q, run, beans, jubi, Guapo (in no particular order). Scram, LG, Q, beans, and run have relatively few posts, so they can move up quickly with a little more posting.I meant they suck at guessing. Your problem was leaving the link so people could easily cheat.
You could have at least thrown me in the bottom tier just to be nice. Imagine my embarrassment when I realized that this post was shouting from the mountain tops: "BRVHEART is NOTICEABLY ABSENT from a list that includes everyone and the kitchen SINK."
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I thought it was awful, and regretted my decision to give it a chance.
I kind of found it a guilty pleasure and enjoyed it.
I watched the rest of the second half, and my opinion is somewhere in between your...opinions. Does that sound right?
You could have at least thrown me in the bottom tier just to be nice.
For the record, I was surprised you weren't in tier 3...or 4...I forget which one was the one that had a bunch of sickies.
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You could have at least thrown me in the bottom tier just to be nice. Imagine my embarrassment when I realized that this post was shouting from the mountain tops: "BRVHEART is NOTICEABLY ABSENT from a list that includes everyone and the kitchen SINK."
I know, right? what a loser you arethe nicer of the two DQs here in town has been doing extensive remodeling inside and out for the last month or so. you'd think any time but SUMMER would be a good time for that.
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I found out today that Carmelo Anthony is suing the CPA/Financial Consultant that occupied my office space a few years ago for stealing over $2MM and putting in his own personal accounts.

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Saw this on cnn.com...god I love pitbulls.But don't worry, mojo, I still love cats. Today I picked up Cheeto in the kitchen to pet her for a bit (she likes being held, but only for a minute or so), and Dewey was immediately so jealous that he started chirping frantically, jumped on the trash can, hopped on the counter, and flung himself halfway across the room into my arms so he could be held too.

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