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I Called In Sick Today

turd ferguson

By turd ferguson,
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and after 3 days, he is risen!

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If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

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Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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brvheart

brvheart 1,752

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I took a huge shit this morning...after which I made a quick wipe-check and was fairly suprised to see that it was bright green. I paused for a second to make sure I wasn't dreaming, finished wiping, and stood up to survey the damage. It was surreal...all three midsized logs were neon green, kind of like hypercolor shirts if they came in shit form. I went back up to class, knowing that it'd be a bit tricky to google "green feces" without anyone around me taking notice, and remembered just as I walked though the door that I had eaten a spinach-artichoke dip yesterday afternoon. I'm pretty sure that my system was so surprised by the intake of a vegetable-like substance that it freaked out and ejected the invader.
It's definitely the food intake. I was mildly concerned when this happened to me one time in Niagra Falls, of all places. The nurse answering the call couldn't have been less concerned.
It's a good thing I stopped scoring posts in here last week.
This is the best news I've gotten all month.
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Randy Reed

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Speedz, not worry about the green poop. It's probably just a heavy dose of radiation from somewhere. I don't know about the rest of the sickies but i've been pretty giddy all day just knowing no other superthread has a Glow-in-the-Dark Jew Vet.

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Sal Paradise

Sal Paradise 57

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Speedz, not worry about the green poop. It's probably just a heavy dose of radiation from somewhere. I don't know about the rest of the sickies but i've been pretty giddy all day just knowing no other superthread has a Glow-in-the-Dark Jew Vet.
well not on this site anyways.
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Nikki_N

Nikki_N 17

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Speedz, not worry about the green poop. It's probably just a heavy dose of radiation from somewhere. I don't know about the rest of the sickies but i've been pretty giddy all day just knowing no other superthread has a Glow-in-the-Dark Jew Vet.
That is pretty cool.
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Tactical Bear

Tactical Bear 3

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Dialogue(Wang's phone starts playing "

")Wang: "Yello?"Havarti: "Aaaaaaay what's up?"Wang: "Just watching reruns of 'Bones' and smoking a bean."Havarti: "Really?"Wang: "Well, half of that is true."Havarti: "Ah, that sucks. I'll get you high one of these days."Wang: "What's up?"Havarti: "I just got out of work..."Wang: "Yeah? Wanna grab a drink?"Havarti: "I could use one, but I just want to relax. You got anything at your place?"Wang: "Well, yes."Havarti: "Sweeeeet. I'll be over in a bit."Wang: "Alright."Havarti: "Hey... do you know a Vickie that works up at the B-Dubs?"Wang: "Uh..."Havarti: "Because she kinda grilled me today, asked me if I was seeing you."Wang: "Yeah, I know her."Havarti: "Then when I told you we'd been out a few time she started being all weird."Wang: "How so?"Havarti: "She was all like, 'Listen, he's a good guy, and you shouldn't mess around around with him' then she called me a slut."Wang: (laughs)Havarti: "First off, I'm not a slut. You've been with more people than me, Derek. Second, bitch please. You're not dating him anymore. You don't even know me."Wang: "Yeah, I don't know what that's about. We don't even talk anymore."Havarti: "Alright, well, I'll see you in a bit." So Vickie told Havarti not to see me, so Havarti decided "Now I have to go have sex with him." I'm getting spite-laid tonight.
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Nikki_N

Nikki_N 17

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Dialogue(Wang's phone starts playing "
")Wang: "Yello?"Havarti: "Aaaaaaay what's up?"Wang: "Just watching reruns of 'Bones' and smoking a bean."Havarti: "Really?"Wang: "Well, half of that is true."Havarti: "Ah, that sucks. I'll get you high one of these days."Wang: "What's up?"Havarti: "I just got out of work..."Wang: "Yeah? Wanna grab a drink?"Havarti: "I could use one, but I just want to relax. You got anything at your place?"Wang: "Well, yes."Havarti: "Sweeeeet. I'll be over in a bit."Wang: "Alright."Havarti: "Hey... do you know a Vickie that works up at the B-Dubs?"Wang: "Uh..."Havarti: "Because she kinda grilled me today, asked me if I was seeing you."Wang: "Yeah, I know her."Havarti: "Then when I told you we'd been out a few time she started being all weird."Wang: "How so?"Havarti: "She was all like, 'Listen, he's a good guy, and you shouldn't mess around around with him' then she called me a slut."Wang: (laughs)Havarti: "First off, I'm not a slut. You've been with more people than me, Derek. Second, bitch please. You're not dating him anymore. You don't even know me."Wang: "Yeah, I don't know what that's about. We don't even talk anymore."Havarti: "Alright, well, I'll see you in a bit." So Vickie told Havarti not to see me, so Havarti decided "Now I have to go have sex with him." I'm getting spite-laid tonight.
Oooh, she'll probably put in the extra effort to make sure your spite lay is more than usually awesome. Have fun!
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strategy

strategy 4

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Oooh, she'll probably put in the extra effort to make sure your spite lay is more than usually awesome. Have fun!
I'm pretty sure she just wants to hang out and drink club soda.none of you understand how fucking pissed I am that JJJ wasn't rating the thread this last week
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brvheart

brvheart 1,752

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Havarti: "She was all like, 'Listen, he's a good guy, and you shouldn't mess around around with him' then she called me a slut."
So wait... I thought you had ruined your chances forever? It sounds like Victoria doesn't agree.
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Randy Reed

Randy Reed 0

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Dialogue(Wang's phone starts playing "
")Wang: "Yello?"Havarti: "Aaaaaaay what's up?"Wang: "Just watching reruns of 'Bones' and smoking a bean."Havarti: "Really?"Wang: "Well, half of that is true."Havarti: "Ah, that sucks. I'll get you high one of these days."Wang: "What's up?"Havarti: "I just got out of work..."Wang: "Yeah? Wanna grab a drink?"Havarti: "I could use one, but I just want to relax. You got anything at your place?"Wang: "Well, yes."Havarti: "Sweeeeet. I'll be over in a bit."Wang: "Alright."Havarti: "Hey... do you know a Vickie that works up at the B-Dubs?"Wang: "Uh..."Havarti: "Because she kinda grilled me today, asked me if I was seeing you."Wang: "Yeah, I know her."Havarti: "Then when I told you we'd been out a few time she started being all weird."Wang: "How so?"Havarti: "She was all like, 'Listen, he's a good guy, and you shouldn't mess around around with him' then she called me a slut."Wang: (laughs)Havarti: "First off, I'm not a slut. You've been with more people than me, Derek. Second, bitch please. You're not dating him anymore. You don't even know me."Wang: "Yeah, I don't know what that's about. We don't even talk anymore."Havarti: "Alright, well, I'll see you in a bit." So Vickie told Havarti not to see me, so Havarti decided "Now I have to go have sex with him." I'm getting spite-laid tonight.
Nothing like a good segue.
I'm pretty sure she just wants to hang out and drink club soda.none of you understand how fucking pissed I am that JJJ wasn't rating the thread this last week
haha, hey do you know Derrick? Slut!
So wait... I thought you had ruined your chances forever? It sounds like Victoria doesn't agree.
It's just the normal girl thing. She can be happy with her decision to not want him as long as shedoesn't find out that lots of other girls do. I thought that's Wang's Master Plan anyway.
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LadyGrey

LadyGrey 6

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GOOD NEWS: I looked out of my window and saw something small, brown and moving in my garden. Then I noticed another one. I realised they were small hedgehogs so I went outside to look closer and there were 4 little hedgehogs and I also got a glimpse of their mum hedgehog too. Here's a picture of 3 of the kids:s60xom.jpgI've decided to name the mum Hepsibah and the little ones Zenith, Quasar, Casper and Maude.

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JoeyJoJo

JoeyJoJo 18

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Havarti: "She was all like, 'Listen, he's a good guy, and you shouldn't mess around around with him' then she called me a slut."Wang: (laughs)
JoeyJoJo: (laughs)
none of you understand how fucking pissed I am that JJJ wasn't rating the thread this last week
I have stats through last week. I decided to stop on Monday morning after I got done scoring all the weekend posts and forgot to save the spreadsheet and then when I closed it and Excel asked me if I wanted to save it, I inexplicably clicked "no." I didn't want to go back and do those posts again and I couldn't handle not having complete data, so the project was terminated.
You and me both my friend, for completely different reasons.
I mean, do we have to ask for the story?
I've decided to name the mum Hepsibah and the little ones Zenith, Quasar, Casper and Maude.
Hedgehogs are the best animals to use as one of those door step shoe scrapers.
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