Dear Speedz

[Denny Crane 0]

Just a guess. I overheard a guy taking about the brake issues with them the other night.I wouldnt use the ceramic pads on the standard rotors, though. They only last longer because the ceramic is harder that the rotors.... you'll buy less pads, but wear the rotors beyond the thickness required to "turn" them down next brake job.Upgrade the rotors to the new "cryo" treated ones and you'll be fine. Otherwise, stick to the standard pads.I learned this the hard way a few years ago... at a SCCA meet I warped the rotors so bad that I had to send Shane to the parts store for new ones between rounds. The ceramics wore a groove in the stock rotors about 1/8 deep.... in four laps.The ABS light will probably go out (and stay out) if you'll disconnect the negative post on the battery for 30 sec. During a brake job someone unhooked the sensor on the spindle with the battery connected and hit the brake pedal.It will erase the code in the ECM

you are ridiculous, wicked smaht.

[leftygolfer 7]

Dear Speedz,Who is that goof in your avatar and why dammit why?Kisses

[Jeepster80125 0]

Dear Ms. N,I realize you didn't ask a question (yet), but I do know the question that you want to ask (and will ask if given the time).The answer is 8 inches. Flaccid.Sincerely,Speedz99

I finally figured out how to make mine 8 inches while flaccid. I just have to fold it in half.Yeah, that's all I've got.

[CardWarfare 4]

So I'll take any questions you may have. Please be either open and honest about the situation you are questioning or completely make something up. But if you make something up it better be funny. I may pass off questions to others that I feel are more qualified to handle any given situation. For instance, any questions regarding drifting and/or spoilers will go to CardWarfare, etc.

This flew way above my oversized, moderately drunk gook head.

[JSHamm 9]

Dear Speedz,What is the appropriate dosage of roofies per 8 oz drink?Stalking in Delaware

[renaedawn 1]

Dear Speedz,You said you would be back last night to answer our questions and you'd most likely be drunk. Well, you didn't come back. So my question is this: How many roofies did Hammy put in your drink before he turned you butt up in the bathroom stall?Curious in Calypso.

[Don Giovanni 0]

haha bottle rocket, niceKumar: I don't know, man, I lose my touch, man.Dignan: Did you ever have a touch to lose, man?

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

Dear Speedz,How much lube is too much lube? I mean, I can appreciate the term "astroglide" as much as the next guy, but last night, it was like banging a bucket of water. Should I just go back to spit and natural juices or continue on? Don't let me fool ya, it wasn't a marathon session. I usually don't last longer than 10 minutes.Need HelpSincerly,Floundering in Florida in a field of fat faginas

[brvheart 1,752]

Dear Speedz,How much lube is too much lube? I mean, I can appreciate the term "astroglide" as much as the next guy, but last night, it was like banging a bucket of water. Should I just go back to spit and natural juices or continue on? Don't let me fool ya, it wasn't a marathon session. I usually don't last longer than 10 minutes.Need HelpSincerly,Floundering in Florida in a field of fat faginas

I'll take this one....I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida IOWA. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.Most of the things I did that summer are not story-worthy; you can only tell the same, "I got drunk on Dom and ****ed this hottie" story so many times before it gets annoying. That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: ****ing on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how ****ed up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?Anyway, while most of my stories may not be extraordinary for me, there is one very notable exception...I was seeing one girl, "Jaime," about twice a week. She was a fresh arrival to South Beach, having moved there 5 months ago from upstate New York as a 19 year old with a modeling contract. We met through a mutual friend who befriended her while they were shooting a TV commercial. Five weeks and lots of sex later, she thought we were dating. I knew better, but she was way too hot to bother correcting her assumption.The ex-girlfriend of 4-years I previously spoke about was very sexually conservative. It was missionary in the dark and then straight to sleep, with maybe a blowjob on the weekends if she'd had a few glasses of wine with dinner (it was a high school relationship, I didn't know any better). After four years of this, I was ready to experience all the things I'd missed out on (when I wasn't cheating on her, of course).Buttsex, known in the biz as "anal," was one of these unknowns, and I decided that I wanted to try it. Jaime was the perfect partner: very hot and very sweet, and more importantly, very naïve and very open to suggestion.She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn't keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:Jaime "But...I've never done it."Brvheart "I've never done it either; it can be our thing."Jaime "But...I don't know if I'll like it."Brvheart "You won't have to worry about getting pregnant."Jaime "But...I like normal sex."Brvheart "Everyone's doing anal. It's the new black."Jaime "But...I don't know...it seems weird."Brvheart "It's the preferred method in Europe. Especially with the runway models. Don't you want to do runways in Europe?"After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:"OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. You have to take me out to a nice place, like The Forge or Tantra, NOT one of your parent's restaurants, and it has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday. And you have to keep taking me out on weekends. I'm tired of being your Monday night girl."I made reservations for the next Friday at Tantra. Aside from being insanely expensive, Tantra is famous for having grass floors. Really; they put in new sod every week. They also advertise their food as "aphrodisiac cuisine." Yes, at that point in my life, I thought these things worked.Thanks to my father's connections, I got us a corner booth in the grass room. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to **** Jaime in the butt; I wasn't about to let a $400 tab get in my way.By the time we left Tantra, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to **** her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start ****ing. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 27 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations....but of course, I'm still going to write about it.]This was going to be my first time foraging in the *** forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life...so I decided to film us.I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera...without telling her.That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera...I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I'm just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, "I'm ready."I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn't have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you **** a girl in the ***? Luckily, I had the world's best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your **** is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, "Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she'll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it's smooth sailing from there."Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her *******, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.But Brvheart wasn't done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my **** and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn't want her to be uncomfortable.Really--consider my thought process: I was going to **** her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.Before I knew it I was ****ing her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my **** came out of her ***. I kinda scrambled to grab my **** and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ***, I heard a faint "psssst" sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my ****, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:"Did you...did you just...**** on my ****??"I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"I vomited all over her ***. Into her crack. Into her *******. On her *** cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.She turned her head, said, "Brvheart, what are you doing?," saw me vomiting on her, screamed "Oh my God!," and immediately joined me:"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ***, the next step was almost inevitable.I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:"BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH"The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime's, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:"OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU *******-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU **** ME IN THE ***--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH."She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, **** and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my **** covered in **** and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a ****, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.POST-SCRIPT:The camera we used was one of those old fragile ones that filmed onto a VHS tape, and when he crashed out of the closet, the tape recorder and tape broke. It didn't occur to us at that the tape records the images magnetically, and we could take the actual tape itself and get someone to put it in another holster until after we had thrown it out. I know it seems stupid now, and believe me I kick myself about it everyday, but you should have seen the apartment afterwards--the tape was not a high priority. AstroGlide, **** and vomit covered EVERYTHING.I had to rent one of those steam cleaners, buy a new mattress, and I STILL lost my deposit. It was impossible to get the smell out. The next month was like living in a sewer. Every girl I brought back to my place after that refused to stay there, and some even refused to sleep with me anywhere because of how my place smelled.What I never found out, and I still want to know, is how the girl got home. I never heard from her again, and the mutual friend who introduced us called her but didn't get her calls returned. I never heard anything about her or from her again, even though she left her clothes and ID at my place (she wore a tight dress out that night, and didn't bring a purse or any money with her).Can you picture that scene? What did she do, hop in taxi? Wave down a passing car? Get on the bus? She lived at least 30 miles away, there is no way she walked home. It perplexes me to this day.I'm hoping she reads this. Maybe then I'll find out how she got home.ps. I wrote this, as far as you know

[tobytobey 0]

I'll take this one....I spent the summer between my 2nd and 3rd year of college suckling on the parental teat in South Florida. It was the absolute prime of my "do anything to get laid" phase. I was recently freed from a 4-year long-distance relationship that began in high school and I wanted nothing more than to have sex with as many girls as possible.................

That story is as funny to me now as it was the first time I read it (www.tuckermax.com).

[brvheart 1,752]

That story is as funny to me now as it was the first time I read it (www.tuckermax.com).

I'm from Iowa... so it may be too obvious. I'll edit it.I do believe it answers his question perfectly though.

[turd ferguson 1]

That story is as funny to me now as it was the first time I read it (www.tuckermax.com).

I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to take credit for it, but good job there chief.

[fleung22 1]

That story is as funny to me now as it was the first time I read it (www.tuckermax.com).

yeah, the tri-pukathon reminded me of that pukefest in Stand by Me.

[tobytobey 0]

I'm pretty sure he wasn't trying to take credit for it, but good job there chief.

I wasn't saying that he was (he left Tucker's name in the text), I was just letting others know that there are more stories, which are just as funny, at his website.

[speedz99 145]

Hello loyal readers. I apologize for my absence last night. I drank a few too many and decided that instead of posting some answers here I would have some mutually unsatisfying sex and then pass out in a chair (in my own apartment). I will make my answers to last night's questions short, since there is quite a backlog. Dear Everyone That Asked Questions,]Dear Speedz,Long-time reader, first-time writer!My question is this: How do you live with yourself knowing your people killed our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? Wondering,Wang I actually feel pretty good about it. First of all, Jesus was a pain in the ass to everyone around him. He was an annoyance to the Jews (seeing as he was one of us with a bunch of crazy new ideas) and even more of a bother to the great Romans of his day. If we didn't turn him in, someone else would have. Let's face it, the guy was a kook.Dear Speedz,I was recently in Minnesota on a business trip and a few days later I got a rash. Any explanations?-Steve You probably stepped in some poison oak. Or Lori's vagina...you might have mistaken it for a sinkhole.Dear Speedz, I love this thread and you for thinking of it. Sorry, here's my question. If a train leaves Chicago heading East at 70mph for 2 hours, and another train also leaves Chicago, heading West at 65mph for 3 hours, what are my chances of getting blown by a guy at a gay bar in South Beach on a Thursday night before the Super Bowl?Sincerely,Desperately in need of some head, regardless of the sex of the giver in Florida Which bar? Each has its own culture, and therefore different odds of getting blown. Also, what time will you be there and will you go in for halfsies on a flight for me to meet you there?But, in general, I'd say the odds are approximately 100%...as long as you know the secret gay codeword. Hint: It rhymes with cock. Wait, no, it rhymes with flock.Dear Speedz,I didn't know gay people could be funny... but this thread is all that and a bag of chips? (That's right, I put a question mark there)Love,brv Yes.Dear Speedz,My question is in two parts:A: Why are there so many songs about rainbows?B: And what's on the other side?Please help, I can't go on like this. Tormented, Adam A: Because rainbows are pretty and lead to gold. Since most producers in the music industry are Jews (or controlled by Jews)...you get the idea. Basically, we need to keep the pouches around our necks full at all times.B: Well, at the end of rainbows there is gold. On the other side there is Asia. Unless you're in Asia, in which the answer would be America.Dear Erik,They don't. Go to a doctor.Sincerely, Shake I knew it.Dear Speedz,Is it gay to go down on yourself?CrackThis is an interesting situation. The rule for being gay is that you are gay if something inserted in you has a greater diameter than that of your own johnson. Since your johnson is obviously not larger than...your johnson...putting it in your mouth does not make you gay. Swallowing does not make you gay either, though it does make you a self-loathing pederast. Don't ask me why, those are just the rules.Dear Speedz,Last question. Are you really going to answer each and every question in this thread? Also, is The Royal Tenenbaums the funniest movie in history, or is it just me?Forever,brv You can't ask a last question and then another question. You have forfeited the right to a response.Dear Speedz,I heard a comedian the other day on the radio who apparently is pretty raunchy and has an HBO comedy special coming up soon. One thing he talks about is while he was in college he and his roommate liked to masturbate and apparently were pretty open about it. His roommate liked to get hard, lay face down on the floor and stroke it on the carpet. (Which is a little different approach than most) But anywho, one night he couldn't get enough friction going and asked his buddy to sit on him while he did it.He did and was apparently questioning his own sexuality as he sat there wondering if he was gay for doing it.My question is, if I come to Chicago will you sit on me? I have a friend that didn't really understand what masturbation was until he was 17. From 13-16 he masturbated by humping his couch...and his bed...and the floor...and basically everything else except for his hand. At 25 he is still the friend (everyone has one) that loves to hump anything and everything at any time. It's like watching a chihuahua go to town on someone's leg.So, the answer is yes, but only if you call out my name during orgasm.Dear Speedz,Who is that goof in your avatar and why dammit why?Kisses The guy from Bottle Rocket, The Royal Tenenbaums, etc.Dear Speedz,What is the appropriate dosage of roofies per 8 oz drink?Stalking in Delaware I don't use roofies. They are illegal. You do it by the victim's weight, not drink volume.Dear Speedz,You said you would be back last night to answer our questions and you'd most likely be drunk. Well, you didn't come back. So my question is this: How many roofies did Hammy put in your drink before he turned you butt up in the bathroom stall?Curious in Calypso. Shuddup. And the answer is I don't know, but I've been shitting moist towelettes all day...Dear Speedz,How much lube is too much lube? I mean, I can appreciate the term "astroglide" as much as the next guy, but last night, it was like banging a bucket of water. Should I just go back to spit and natural juices or continue on? Don't let me fool ya, it wasn't a marathon session. I usually don't last longer than 10 minutes.Need HelpSincerly,Floundering in Florida in a field of fat faginas If we are only talking about 10 minutes, I would stick with spit. Not regular spit though...you really need to get a good loogie going. Chick dig that. Good assist from brvheart with his answer.Dear Speedy,I recently decided that my life was boring. I've quit smoking, drinking, and eating fast food. The hobbies that I once loved has gotten old and unsatisfying.I have little or no motivation.... I dont even enjoy making money anymoreMy sense of humor has faded to the point that someone (like me) can let a seriously stinky fart in public and I might not even grin.After thinking about this for a while, I've decided that I need to do one of two things....A) Go back to my old ways and try to get arrested once in a while instead of avoiding troubleB Sign up for skydiving lessons (I watched "Pushing Tin" last night and got the idea from that... decided it was close to the wake turbulance thing)Tally-ho,Pulling the string Beans I saved this one for last because it is so long, and also doesn't really contain a question. But the answer that you're looking for is that you need to go do something you've never done before. I would recommend going to Europe for a month (or somewhere else if you've been to most European countries). Mix it up...when you get back you'll probably find that you missed the drinking, smoking, fast food, etc. Go for three weeks by yourself, and then let your family meet you there for the last week. Also, try fucking a dude.Sincerely,Speedz99

[JSHamm 9]

Dear Speedz,Do you feel that Justin brought the sexy back?Signed,Lance BassP.S. What exactly is ridin' dirty?

[ajs510 122]

So disappointing, I was reading the buttsecks story, loving it, and thinking "wow, this is a side of brvheart I've never seen before, and I think I misjudged him", and then I got to the half a bottle of Astroglide part and realized it was actually vintage TuckerMax. Oh well, it's still a funny story.

[speedz99 145]

Dear Speedz,Do you feel that Justin brought the sexy back?Signed,Lance BassP.S. What exactly is ridin' dirty?

Dear Mr Bass,I feel that Justin did bring the sexy back. Prior to the release of that song, most men felt uncomfortable with their sexuality. Now I can walk down the street and make out with 15 guys without skipping a beat.Sincerely,Speedz99P.S. Perhaps Sanford or his son could answer that for you.

[brvheart 1,752]

So disappointing, I was reading the buttsecks story, loving it, and thinking "wow, this is a side of brvheart I've never seen before, and I think I misjudged him", and then I got to the half a bottle of Astroglide part and realized it was actually vintage TuckerMax. Oh well, it's still a funny story.

um... thanks?

[KDawgCometh 2]

dear speedz,so, last year, I was smoking all of this crack and some black guy propositioned me. I thought it would be a good experience, so I went along with it. Well, I must've blacked out, but when I woke up there was this cream on my mouth, and some leaking from my buttular area. A few months later, I started noticing these bumps on my lip. what are theysincerely,confused in chicago

[ajs510 122]

Dear Speedz,Why is it that everytime I yawn a particularly satisfying and enjoyable yawn, I wind up with a painful case of lockjaw?Fucking ow,Adam

[ShakeZuma 585]

Dear Speedz,Why is it that everytime I yawn a particularly satisfying and enjoyable yawn, I wind up with a painful case of lockjaw?Fucking ow,Adam

dude, does your neck get all tight and cramped up, like you can't move it or it'll pop sometimes too? like, your chin goes down close to your chest and it feels like its stuck there or something? that happens to me a lot and its odd I say, odd.sincerely addendum to adams question

[speedz99 145]

dear speedz,so, last year, I was smoking all of this crack and some black guy propositioned me. I thought it would be a good experience, so I went along with it. Well, I must've blacked out, but when I woke up there was this cream on my mouth, and some leaking from my buttular area. A few months later, I started noticing these bumps on my lip. what are theysincerely,confused in chicago

Dear Mr. Cometh,Those bumps are most likely the manifestation of some form of botulism. As we all know, many crack users are especially fond of canned condensed milk while they are high. My guess is that this gentleman gave you some skanky crack and then ate some condensed milk. It was in your mouth because he tried to feed some to you as a method of revival, and it was in your buttular region because you had stripped yourself naked (you were freaking out) and he ate over your body. Crack addicts tend to spill food constantly. So, I'm thinking the can of milk contained botulism, and you are just now showing symptoms. You should either go to a doctor or cross your fingers and smoke a bunch more crack.Sincerely,Speedz99

Dear Speedz,Why is it that everytime I yawn a particularly satisfying and enjoyable yawn, I wind up with a painful case of lockjaw?****ing ow,Adam

dude, does your neck get all tight and cramped up, like you can't move it or it'll pop sometimes too? like, your chin goes down close to your chest and it feels like its stuck there or something? that happens to me a lot and its odd I say, odd.sincerely addendum to adams question

Dear Mr. 510 and Mr. Zuma,The most probable reason for your subluxation (open jockjaw) is that you have opened your mouth wider than God meant you to. You may also have a torn TMJ disk which is not guiding your jaw properly. You need TMJ x-rays and possibly an MRI to determine what is happening. If you have headaches you need to take the problem seriously because the headaches will only get worse. Let me know what happens. Putting it back is actually the opposite of what you think...you have to push down on the back teeth of the lower jaw...do not try to push on the front teeth to get it to close - you will cause damage doing so. It's a down and back movement of the lower jaw, by putting a push on the back lower teeth.If this doesn't work you may have to grasp the mandible between thumb and forefinger bilaterally, and push down, then forward and then backward. Numbing it seems extreme, but I don't know your situation clinically. As a last resort, you can put a small tubular object (like the handle of a screwdriver, as an example) between your back teeth, bilaterally, and bite together while trying to push the lower jaw backwards.Sincerely,Speedz99

[Saint Peter 0]

Dear Mr Speedz,Who is this creature and why is his hand in his pants?

[speedz99 145]

Dear Mr Speedz,Who is this creature and why is his hand in his pants?

Dear St. Peter,This creature is what's known as a Sex Machine. I suggest you don't get in his way.Sincerely,Speedz99