I Called In Sick Today

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

This kid is going to land so much pussy in nursery school - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vp_wLuBSs14...player_embedded

[Roll the Bones 74]

Yeah, it's always a little quiet when you see a new name post wondering who's alter it is. I mean, we probably haven't gotten an actual new poster in these parts in over a year or something so at first you just assume it's joke account and wait for the punchline. Then a few weeks go by and it's like your worst fears have been realized and the thought of the account kind of gives you the willys inside and seeing an actual post in another thread or forum makes you cringe. And then, you want to actually hide the thread or something for fear he'll find it, but when you realize that isn't possible you just hope the fact that the extreme monstrosity of it will be intimidating enough to keep him away.Then the worst fear happens and it posts in the thread and everyone shudders inside but holds still, like if we don't move we won't be seen. It's like thinking that if I closed my eyes it would make everything outside invisible. So everyone just goes on with life as if there wasn't this 500lb green hamster sitting on our couch. We all know intuitively that if we just ignore it, like a live version of some children's book, that it won't be real and dissapear.And then someting even worse happens. Someone talks to the fucking Hamster! Oh my fucking dog nooooooo!!! Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Everybody run!! The green hamster talked!!!RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! Someone stop him! No not the hamster, the person talking to the goddam hamster! Hurry, someone get our scientists to zap the hamster, or the lawyers to sue him into oblivion, or beans to drink him to death or the math or hockey guys to bore him to death.!SOMEONE GET ME A XANAX!

[ShakeZuma 585]

well, maybe now you can take back all those hurtful things you said.

no, that doesn't sound like something I'd do.

[WordsOfTheProphet 0]

It's like thinking that if I closed my eyes it would make everything outside invisible.

I can still see you! And if you all wanna be a bunch of intolerant faggots not inviting the straight man to your lil gay orgy, that's fine with me

[Nikki_N 17]

Well, my son bought the engagement ring and is giving it to her tonight.

Oooh! Tell us how it goes! Have they been together a long time? Can we assume she's going to say yes?

[strategy 4]

Oooh! Tell us how it goes! Have they been together a long time? Can we assume she's going to say yes?

Is she the one who's missing a kidney because she's an idiot?

[gobears 0]

More Pet Stories:We were walking our two dogs in the park when we saw this toy poodle running towards us. He had a tag but it had the vet's address and phone# along with an updated rabies sticker. Nice dog and we looked around but no one came for him. He followed us home so I left a message with the vet who won't be around until Monday. Went back to the park just now and saw a woman looking around - asked her if she was looking for a dog, nope she was looking for her kids. I had just seen the kids playing in the dry creek on the other side of the park. No dog owner though.Also, this lady was going door to door in our neighborhood looking for her lost cockatiel. She had heard that someone had seen a tiel in the area. The bird is 17 years old (very old for a tiel) and she was really sad as she had recently lost her husband and the bird was her longtime remaining companion along with her beagle. She was offering $1000 as a reward and people had been bringing by cockatiels by the dozen but they weren't hers. She saw our two tiels in the house and played with them for a bit before leaving.

[beans-n-icewater 18]

beans to drink him to death...

Geez...ok, another story since you mention meThis afternnon I was busy laying a ceramic countertop at Moms place when the hops and barley overwhealmend me once again...(Beans staggers into house and finds Mrs. Icewater reading at bar)"Hey...wanna go over to the injun joint in a while and hang out while I play cards?""No""Alright....Im gonna go around seven if ya wanna go""Nah"(around eight Beans take shower and staggers back down stairs)"Im leavin""Alright....dont pick up any trash or anything"(two hours later Beans is sitting with a friend and to twenty something singers of the nightly band)"Hey Beans"(Beans saying something to gal that has her in stitches)"Yeah?""Im flying to Vegas tomorrow afternoon....gotta bring a custom Chevy back to town....wanna go?""How long ya stayin?""Till Thursday"(gulps another beer)"Drivin straight thru?""I was gonna spend the night somewhere....if you go we'll drive straight thru"(cops a feel and flirts with waitress)"Yeah....might as well""I knew you'd be up for it""Well, hell.....I aint been there in two weeks or so.... maybe that hide at the Plazas stripper pit will still be there"(nine beers later Beans finds himself driving home through an area full of bars just after closing time)"Please, please, please..... done let me stray across the white or yellow line.... I'll never drive this drunk again....I PROMISE!"(Beans pulls into driveway and lets out a giant sigh of relief, manages to stagger from car, piss, waddle into house, unloads pockets to find and uncashed voucher for two hundred and twenty five bucks, drops shorts, and crawl to office to post this tidbit)Yeah, just another night in the life of Beans

[WordsOfTheProphet 0]

Is she the one who's missing a kidney because she's an idiot?

Are you the one averagely posting here 8-10 hours a day because you have no life?

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Are you the one averagely posting here 8-10 hours a day because you have no life?

See, compared to this guy, I fit in here nicely.

[ShakeZuma 585]

[runthemover 39]

c'mon that's like a 55 cent picture

[WordsOfTheProphet 0]

See, compared to this guy, I fit in here nicely.

Yea I have trouble blending in with intolerant faggots thinking they rule the forum because they have a 10k postcount, thinking and praying I will go away if they ignore me long enough. But then there are lovely people like Scray who make me wanna stay. (I should be a rapper, I know)

[ajs510 122]

RUN FOR THE HILLS!!! Someone stop him! No not the hamster, the person talking to the goddam hamster! Hurry, someone get our scientists to zap the hamster, or the lawyers to sue him into oblivion, or beans to drink him to death or the math or hockey guys to bore him to death.!

Goddammit. Threw my brother a bachelor party yesterday, he didn't want strippers or hookers or a bar crawl or limo trip or any of that (I know...but DNA tests have confirmed we share the same genes) so instead we just bought a ton of ammunition and beer and spent the day shooting off the arsenal of weapons that a dozen of his closest like-minded friends brought along to play with, then put the guns away and drank around a bonfire the rest of the time. It was a really good time, got to shoot an AK47 for the first time, as well as the M1 Garand that someone brought. I was the only one who brought pistols so of course I ended up spending the most on ammo because everyone took a turn, but that's not a problem. I don't get much of a chance to shoot my guns so it was a great way to spend a Saturday. So far I've spent most of Sunday recovering...lol.

[leftygolfer 7]

in case, like me, you've been avoiding this show despite all the hype because you thought it was a live action version of Louie Anderson's cartoon, stop that. it's actually quite relevant to our interests:

Jebus...too funny.

Well, my son bought the engagement ring and is giving it to her tonight.

Did he get laid?Feel bad for Justin Johnson.

[CaneBrain 95]

Jebus...too funny. Did he get laid?Feel bad for Justin Johnson.

yeah poor guy, people cant even get his name right.

[leftygolfer 7]

yeah poor guy, people cant even get his name right.

Obv. can't read and write.

[leftygolfer 7]

c'mon that's like a 50 cent picture

FYP

[mrdannyg 274]

I also hate it when faggots are intolerant.I thought you guys would enjoy this. I got a call from my dad last night, letting me know I have a new cousin. First cousin actually, but we aren't close, so none of us care much. I brag that I already knew from facebook. He then confirms some new details not found in facebook:The baby was born this morning. The couple were married yesterday. She was in labour during the ceremony, but it had to be finished before they went to the hospital, since their revised religious beliefs include a baby can't be born out of wedlock. Apparently conception can be overlooked. Also overlooked is that the groom is not the father. He is an ex-boyfriend who came back around 6 months into the pregnancy. He is supporting wife and child while working the counter at Pizza Pizza. Wife has always wanted to be a mother, so she will not be finishing high school. I'm not sure who has better amibition - the 17-year old who "always wanted to be a mother" and won't finish high school, or the 17-year old guy who hooks up with an ex-girlfriend 6 months into a pregnancy just so he can spend the rest of his life supporting them.Welfare!The daughter's name is Cyndi-Lee. Apparently Jews can be hicks too.

[ajs510 122]

I also hate it when faggots are intolerant.I thought you guys would enjoy this. I got a call from my dad last night, letting me know I have a new cousin. First cousin actually, but we aren't close, so none of us care much. I brag that I already knew from facebook. He then confirms some new details not found in facebook:The baby was born this morning. The couple were married yesterday. She was in labour during the ceremony, but it had to be finished before they went to the hospital, since their revised religious beliefs include a baby can't be born out of wedlock. Apparently conception can be overlooked. Also overlooked is that the groom is not the father. He is an ex-boyfriend who came back around 6 months into the pregnancy. He is supporting wife and child while working the counter at Pizza Pizza. Wife has always wanted to be a mother, so she will not be finishing high school. I'm not sure who has better amibition - the 17-year old who "always wanted to be a mother" and won't finish high school, or the 17-year old guy who hooks up with an ex-girlfriend 6 months into a pregnancy just so he can spend the rest of his life supporting them.Welfare!The daughter's name is Cyndi-Lee. Apparently Jews can be hicks too.

This is pretty gold from start to finish. I always enjoy the lengths people are willing to go to shape their "beliefs" around their own agendas.

[SBriand 4]

Feel bad for Justin Johnson.

BAH! I have him in my golf pool and that pissed me right the fuck off.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

I was going to make this post in the "Mosque" thread, but I decided it was too snobby, even for me:

What's the bar in downtown Lincoln that has like a thousand different martinis?

Dear World,There is only one drink that is called a Martini. It is the Martini. Just because your drink is in a Martini glass doesn't make it a Martini. Specifically, anything of the following colors is certainly not a Martini:BluePinkRedGreenYellowOrangeAlso, anyone who think that a Vermuth and Vodka is a Martini is as incorrect as those who think that vodka and fuscia food coloring is a Martini.Sincerely, Yorke

[ShakeZuma 585]

5 User(s) are reading this topic (2 Guests and 1 Anonymous Users)2 Members: mk, LongLiveYorkeuh oh. I smell a courvoisier fueled tussle brewing...edit: monocles and "harumphs" will be flying with reckless abandon!

[runthemover 39]

like the guy who got shot nine times is gonna make his own pot of coffee, exclaim!

[mk 11]

dear strategy,I've been meaning to tell you that I watched magnolia for the first time last weekend. I thought it was very very good. thought you should know.sincerely,mr. zuma

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