I Called In Sick Today

[mclumpo 0]

When someone posted a supposedly self-depracating story about banging an 18 year old.

ZING!Seriously, I really feel bad about that( banging an 18 yr old, not posting it). I'm gonna post another when i think of one that isn't totally lame.I don't even know what I was thinking when i thought this was the place that would see the downside I see from that story.

[speedz99 145]

Seriously, I really feel bad about that( banging an 18 yr old, not posting it). I'm gonna post another when i think of one that isn't totally lame.I don't even know what I was thinking when i thought this was the place that would see the downside I see from that story.

Come on, do you know any guys that consider there to be any downside in that? As long as she didn't look or act like a little girl, she's completely legal and therefore fair game...and a great takedown for any guy over the age of 22.And we want you to post a story that IS totally lame.

[Tactical Bear 3]

I hung out with that girl from the date last week again this afternoon. It went horribly, and I was loving every second of it. The highlights were the two times I went to kiss her. Keep in mind the fact that I didn't touch her after the date, mostly because it seemed like she had no interest and I was feeling pretty much the same way (though I know the Ron's of the world don't believe in "sparks"). But she asked me out again, and she had told my friend that she had a great time with me, so I figured I might have misread the situation.So...soon after we meet up I go in for the smooch...and she reciprocates for half a second before pulling away.(awkward pause)Me: I think I should have done that last week.Her: Yeah, well, you didn't.Me: Uh...ready to go?Then the second time, a few hours later, right before I was leaving. (she stands in front of the door)Me: Oh, we're giving this another shot?Her: Yeah.*maybe 5 second very weak kiss*Her: That was better timing.Me: What? Never mind. I'll talk to you soon.Not only was she mad that I didn't make a move last week, she disagreed with my timing for the first move today. I wish I could describe how pleased I was on my drive home...for some reason completely blowing it with a girl I have no interest in anyways was very cathartic in a way.

Perfect. Now you know what every moment of every day of my life is like, except with a lot more anxiety.Here's how it would've gone with meHer: "That was better timing."Me: "You were timing me?"Her: "What?"Me: "Haha"

Seriously, I really feel bad about that( banging an 18 yr old, not posting it). I'm gonna post another when i think of one that isn't totally lame.

The story is SUPPOSED to be lame. Nobody cares how cool you can make yourself look. The question is, how UNCOOL can you make yourself look? The real hero is not the man who admits to nailing an 18 year old. Rather, it's the man who tries to nail an 18 year old, then realizes that really interesting Churchill Biopic premieres in 30 minutes on the Biography channel, so he pretends he's gay and runs home.

Come on, do you know any guys that consider there to be any downside in that? As long as she didn't look or act like a little girl, she's completely legal and therefore fair game...and a great takedown for any guy over the age of 22.And we want you to post a story that IS totally lame.

Exactly

[speedz99 145]

The story is SUPPOSED to be lame. Nobody cares how cool you can make yourself look. The question is, how UNCOOL can you make yourself look? The real hero is not the man who admits to nailing an 18 year old. Rather, it's the man who tries to nail an 18 year old, then realizes that really interesting Churchill Biopic premieres in 30 minutes on the Biography channel, so he pretends he's gay and runs home.

I'm not sure the hero in this particular example is pretending, but that's ok too.

[Tactical Bear 3]

I'm not sure the hero in this particular example is pretending, but that's ok too.

I passed up sex to watch Jeopardy! once. I figured she was kidding about not having sex with me if I actually waited until after Jeopardy!, but she was serious.

[speedz99 145]

I passed up sex to watch Jeopardy! once. I figured she was kidding about not having sex with me if I actually waited until after Jeopardy!, but she was serious.

I love Jeopardy!. One of my favorite days in high school was skipping all my classes to do nothing but smoke weed, play whiffleball, and watch a Jeopardy! marathon. That actually describes many of my days, but usually Jeopardy! was only on once.!

[Tactical Bear 3]

I'm in a pretty terrible mood right now, and full of self-loathing, so I'm trying to think of things that I like about myself. Here's one I'm not sure about:There's a girl in one of my classes, and for some reason I've got kind of a thing for her. Usually I find some way to strike up a conversation, but with this girl I keep blanking. She's not hot or anything, but something about her intrigues me. She looks a little mousy, but I think she's kinda cute. Anyway, I don't know her name, and I've never even spoken to her. I tried to engage her once. During class a while back I slid her a note that said:"Is it me, or does Professor (name) kinda remind you of Grover from Sesame Street?"She stared at it for about 3 minutes, then wrote: "No." and passed it back. Man, did I blow that one, or what?

[speedz99 145]

Bed time...I hope. Before I go, I'd like to post this link again. As always, please enjoy my personal favorite, at 2:22.

[strategy 4]

Bed time...I hope. Before I go, I'd like to post this link again. As always, please enjoy my personal favorite, at 2:22.

Thanks for the link.

[speedz99 145]

Thanks for the link.

[speedz99 145]

I'm in a pretty terrible mood right now, and full of self-loathing, so I'm trying to think of things that I like about myself. Here's one I'm not sure about:There's a girl in one of my classes, and for some reason I've got kind of a thing for her. Usually I find some way to strike up a conversation, but with this girl I keep blanking. She's not hot or anything, but something about her intrigues me. She looks a little mousy, but I think she's kinda cute. Anyway, I don't know her name, and I've never even spoken to her. I tried to engage her once. During class a while back I slid her a note that said:"Is it me, or does Professor (name) kinda remind you of Grover from Sesame Street?"She stared at it for about 3 minutes, then wrote: "No." and passed it back. Man, did I blow that one, or what?

I'm sure about it...I like it. A lot. Especially if you don't think that professor is at all like Grover. I think you should have kept passing notes until she either found it endearing or asked you to stop. A few weeks ago I was at a crowded bar with a friend, and we spent a good while openly staring at this one really hot slutty girl that was dancing around, beggin for attention (there was really nothing better for us to do at the time). At one point she looked over and bitchily (though justifiably so) asked us if we wanted to take a picture (we said no and kept looking). When we got up to go I went up to the girl.Me: Try not to look at me so much while I'm watching you, it freaks me out.Her: (disgusted face) What?Me: Next time pretend you don't notice me staring and maybe I'll come talk to you.Her: Whatever.Score. I was very drunk and my friend had bet me $5 I couldn't creep her out any more than we already had with the staring.

[Ouch-8s 4]

When someone posted a supposedly self-depracating story about banging an 18 year old.

Sooooooooo this chick you're blowing it with - she is 18? and you are making with the banging?

[silkyjonson 1]

I passed up sex to watch Jeopardy! once. I figured she was kidding about not having sex with me if I actually waited until after Jeopardy!, but she was serious.

I passed up sex to watch Bloodsport. I really dont know what I was thinking because I think I've seen that movie about 20 times, I think it was more the fact that she could'nt understand why I was so into the movie and I actually thought it would be funny to tell my friends that I passed up sex to watch it."Very good, but brick not hit back" that movie has so many classic quotes.

[mln_falcon 0]

It was so hot yesterday. So of course I decide to go to the beach today. It's not hot today. At all. There was max 3 people in the water at any time. But it was still fun. All my friends have exams and assignments to do at the moment so I had to go by myself.I wish I had had sex enough times that I could've turned it down for some reason.

[loogie 115]

I passed up sex to watch Bloodsport.

It sounds like you were very close to having sex while watching Bloodsport....which is every guy's ultimate fantasy. Niiiiiice.

[GrinderMJ 0]

It sounds like you were very close to having sex while watching Bloodsport....which is every guy's ultimate fantasy. Niiiiiice.

Niiiice.

[ShakeZuma 585]

ZING!Seriously, I really feel bad about that( banging an 18 yr old, not posting it). I'm gonna post another when i think of one that isn't totally lame.I don't even know what I was thinking when i thought this was the place that would see the downside I see from that story.

Come on, do you know any guys that consider there to be any downside in that? As long as she didn't look or act like a little girl, she's completely legal and therefore fair game...and a great takedown for any guy over the age of 22.And we want you to post a story that IS totally lame.

yeah, see totally lame is where we thrive man. thats what WE ARE. god damn, it really is. thats kinda bad.

It was so hot yesterday. So of course I decide to go to the beach today. It's not hot today. At all. There was max 3 people in the water at any time. But it was still fun. All my friends have exams and assignments to do at the moment so I had to go by myself.I wish I had had sex enough times that I could've turned it down for some reason.

I hear you. I've had a lot of sex and I can't readily think of a time I've turned it down. actually I have on many occasions now that I think about it. some for good reasons (like no condom. believe it or not, hell even I don't believe it.) and some for stupid reasons (too tired [am I a woman?] and once because it was getting ready to snow and I didn't want to drive home through it). also, that girl I've mentioned a few times here, the one with the big drama a few weeks ago where her friend that likes me caught us making out, just texted me last night about going to a bar saturday night for a halloween party. I hadn't heard from her since the sunday of that weekend so I figured she was over it but now there's this. everything's coming up sha... wait, ain't nothing coming up shit yet. and it probably won't. oh well.

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

I'm no writer so i'm sorry if this isn't in a good story format.So I went to a party the other night for my buddies 32nd birthday. He just moved into a new place so I met all his roommates for the first time and one of them was really cute and cool, so naturally I figured I would go bother her. Well we ended up hitting it off, which is VERY unusual since I never EVER chat up girls right. I’m like wan- er…. Bear with the coffee date except all the time, so anyway we’re chatting, she’s laughing at all my jokes, and things are going swimmingly. Turns out she plays poker, loves all the same shows as I do, and has a very similar love for the booze. So the night progresses and we’re hanging out almost exclusively then a group of folks were heading up to a bar and she asks me if I want to go too. So I assume she wants to quit hanging out with me and I decline. Then she says “well if you want to stay here we can but I really think we should go to the bar.”So we go up there, do some shots then get a two top in the back and keep talking. At this point I’m getting excited because again this shit never happens to me. We ended up closing the place and head back to the party to finish the beer. When we get there she grabs a six pack and we head to her room and she asks me to give her a massage. So I’m rubbing her back as sensually as I can and she flips over and pulls me in for a kiss.Now I’m really happy about the progress of the evening as she stops kissing me and asks the golden condom question.We then proceed to have really good one night stand sex ending with the ol siihp.Then it gets bad. As we’re laying there in post coital bliss (well at least I am I can’t really speak for her) I tell her about the poker tourney I run at a bar and how she should come to it and play.Me: So yeah you should come out.Her: Oh I don’t know if I’ll be able to get in.M: What?H: Yeah, I don’t have an I.D.M: What like you lost your license?H: No I have my license.M; What? Wait……….How old are you?H: Eighteen.M: What?! Shut up… seriously, how old are you?H: I’m really eighteen.M: But...you live with these guys and, wait! We were just at the bar! You’re ****ing with me! Really how old are you?So she goes and gets her I.D. and she really is eighteen and I feel like a dirty old pervert.That probably isn’t very funny but it is really awkward and I’m horribly embarrassed by it so there ya go.

That's like discovering plutonium by ACCIDENT!!This reminds me I forgot to tell one of my stories when I first came here...So me and this girl that I was casually dating for a couple weeks I guess, (and haven't had sex with yet) were camping with some friends for a couple days. We came in the same car and my house was like 30 minutes closer than hers so I wanted to stop home and shower and stuff before I took her home. So we get there and all I really want to do is take a good quality shower you know since I haven't had one in like 3 days. Well as I'm preparing for the shower, she gets naked and says, "let's take a shower". At this time I'm thinking to myself, no come on not now. The reason I had this attitude was because we planned on me staying at her house that night and it was pretty obvious it was going to go down that night, which was perfect because I just had a fun weekend of camping and I would get to go home and shower, get clean, start fresh and get to have sex that night with this girl for the first time.Anyway, so I semi-reluctantly (I mean I'm still going to get to have shower sex, but of which I probably would get the next morning anyway) get in the shower, and really tried to get my washing done quickly before anything really started. So I got the shampoo out and started washing my hair when she starts washing it for me a little, then immediately after that she grabs my dick and does her thing and I get hard. Now I'm 6'2" and she's 5'4" so she steps up on the ledge of the shower to position herself so we can have the sex. I advance to enter her vageen when I suddenly feel an intense burning at the tip of my penis. At this point I realize when she was getting me hard some shampoo must have got inside my penis and caused this burning sensation. Now I know at this time there's going to be no sex, because for one it hurts really bad, and two I don't even want to attempt to force any fluid to exit my penis any time soon. I must have had a look of pain on my face because I didn't have to say anything when she stepped back down. All I said was "it burns", never explained why and we never talked about it again. I took her home shortly thereafter, dropped her off and went to the casino. This was like 3 or 4 years ago and we've still never had sex, and somehow we're still friends. I actually had another chance to have sex with her a few days later, but another extraordinary circumstance kept that from happening, which I may share with you all at another time.I try and rationalize this disaster by thinking that since we were going to have unprotected sex she would have gotten pregnant and my life would have been over. I wish I was clumpy, I would have fu.cked her in the shower and then 4 more times that night, then twice more the next morning, and be telling you all this story 3 years later saddened by the fact that we broke up because she found out I previously had sex with her hotter half-sister a couple months before I met her.

[therrinn 0]

All I said was "it burns"

Excellent story. Reminds me of this cautionary tale, reposted from a different forum:Have you ever heard of the theory that when you do something really stupid or embarrassing, the best thing you can do is cry a little, then laugh about it and hope some other people get a good laugh? Well yeah. Ladies, if you're sensitive, I suggest you leave. Gentlemen, pay attention, this could affect you someday!It's 6am a couple mornings ago, and I had gotten home from work, made my requisite few posts here, and got ready for bed (read: opened up the porn playlist in realplayer). I've always been a guy that just can't do it dry; I've got to have some sort of lubricant. The wheel doesn't turn without oil! Now I've been a big fan of conditioner, but I had used the last of that in the shower that morning, for its intended purpose; so I look around the room and see Ms. Conditioner's lonely sister, Ms. Shampoo. I figure what the ****, they feel the same, why not. 7-8 minutes later, everything's wrapped up, and I'm off to sleep. All's well.Until the next morning. I wake up and the outer layer of skin on my dick is dead and peeling; sort of like a snake sheds his skin, my dick was doing the same thing. It had also swelled to the point where I'd need to use the tires from a '57 Chevy as a condom. I hope I do not need to add that it hurt like a ************. I couldn't sit right; if I positioned myself the wrong way, my grotesquely swollen dick would rub the wrong way against my boxers and I'd whimper in agony. Thankfully, the swelling went down during the course of the day. For a while, I was fearful that I'd be wearing a barrel into work.But something worse started happening. As the skin started peeling off from my dick and the base of my dick, it ITCHED. Bad. It's tough working all night long (I do a rather physical job, keeping me, and hence my dick, moving and rubbing against pants respectively) while you're sitting there trying to scratch your crotch and kill the itch without anyone noticing.So now, we move on to Dumbass Idea #2. The worst itching was right at the base of my dick- right below the massive forest of pubic hair. Curious, I look and see how long a pubic hair takes to grow on a man, and I find it's about 2-3 weeks. I figure, what the hell, if it stops this ****ing AWFUL itching, I'm willing to go hairless for a couple of weeks. So I hop in the shower and shave the little ****** bald. Off to sleep I go again. Maybe that would fix the itch.WRONG!!!!!Pubic hairs are relatively thick. Thus, when they start growing back, they produce stubble, as most hair does. The itching from this against my boxers was worse than the itch from my flaking dick could have ever possibly been. Plus, I still had the first itch, and my dick STILL hurt like a bastard. I wept very quietly.Oh, but I wasn't through being stupid. Hell, if it kept rubbing against my boxers; maybe I just needed to ride bareback, giving my poor and abused pubic area some respit in its bitter storm. It was here that I learned an important function of pubic hair. Pubic hair provides a significant amount of 'lift' when one is adjusting the zipper on his jeans. No lift = low zipper, which means I slammed the ****ing thing 3 notches over the already cracked and peeling skin before I had a clue what the **** I was doing. On top of being cracked and peeling, it was now bleeding. It was painful. And I was crying, partially in pain and partially at my own stupidity. So I wrapped him up in a few bandaids, and figured I'd just try to keep him as still as possible for a few days. So far, that's been working out, but I imagine it will have cataclysmic results for my dick soon enough.So let this be a warning to you. When you're looking for a little lube and the jar of hand lotion / conditioner / WD40 (someone must have tried that my now) is empty, that shampoo may look sad and lonely- but it's just that way because it's looking to bring pain, suffering, and humiliation into your life. And hopefully I've made a few of you laugh and a few of you cry, I've certainly done my share of those the past few days.

[ShakeZuma 585]

I wish I was clumpy, I would have fu.cked her in the shower and then 4 more times that night, then twice more the next morning, and be telling you all this story 3 years later saddened by the fact that we broke up because she found out I previously had sex with her hotter half-sister a couple months before I met her.

you tell a nice story. "it burns." can't get much better than that. I had that happen to me kinda one time when I used one of those everlast condom things that help you go on longer... well it didn't work because whatever they use got into the tip like you said and burnt like holy hell. interesting sidenote, we were having sex in the parking lot of a gas station in the middle of my town at about 1 in the morning when this happened. and nice one about clumpy; I think he will fit in just fine here

[speedz99 145]

"it burns", never explained why and we never talked about it again. I wish I was clumpy, I would have fu.cked her in the shower and then 4 more times that night, then twice more the next morning, and be telling you all this story 3 years later saddened by the fact that we broke up because she found out I previously had sex with her hotter half-sister a couple months before I met her.

Great story.

Gentlemen, pay attention, this could affect you someday!

You poor, poor man. Fuck socal and his fire, my heart now goes out to you above all others.

[ShakeZuma 585]

so thats it huh? no more posting in this thread? fine with me. later.

[speedz99 145]

I think I might have to kill my friend/roomate. He's FINALLY moving out today after promising he'd leave literally a dozen times...but of course now he claims he can't get a truck to move in his stuff, so he asked if he could sleep here for another night or two. I was really looking forward to having the apartment to myself tonight.

[mk 11]

Niiiice.

Niiiice.

This reminds me I forgot to tell one of my stories when I first came here...

ty for returning the thread to its roots.

[MisterB 2]

In the grand scheme of things, this isn't that bad. I mean my house isn't burning to well done, my dick isn't chaffed from aggravated shampoo misuse, and I'm not having roommate issues:But this still sucks, and is pretty close ended IMO: Hey there!Sorry, I forgot about this little engagement and unfortunataly I cannot make it...I have meetings all day today!Thanks anyways!~Colleen(Any creepy responses are more than welcome, other than the obligatory "it's alright, I couldn't date someone who misspelled anyway, anyway.")