I Called In Sick Today

[Tiltinagain 973]

So, more uncle Randy story time.Girl, "If we get some more fucking wood."

Pure Gold

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

this one's for shake:so they sent me down to the file room today. had to pull the file for a client who just died. WE NEED THAT WILL. so i'm looking for the file and do you know what happened? you'll never guess so i'll just tell you, IT WASNT THERE. i fuckin panic, they'll blame this on me. little timmy and sally won't get that cash money gramps left 'em. i death march back upstairs and confess i don't know where the file is. now here's the really crazy thing: the fuckin file was never in the file room, it was in the VP's office the whole damn time. he was already loooking it over and neglected to leave an OUT CARD. what a rat bastard. but hey, it's all in the game. finished out the day by day dreaming about this hot chick i saw at lunch. she had that sweet booty.

[brvheart 1,752]

So, more uncle Randy story time.My buddy Satch actually relayed this story.He is the one who has his first legit job in 30 years or so as a leasing agent at some dive 200 unit apartment complex, though I think he does more maintence and is on 24 hour call all the time from what I gather. Anyway, one of the buildings burnt most of the way down a while back and the owner finally got a crew in to work on it a couple weeks ago. While the crew is out working on it they drew the interest of a little girl, almost 4 years old that seemed fascinated by it all. The mom let her hang out with them as long as she stayed behind some barriers and such. The guys really took to the girl and made her one of the "crew". They gave her a little hard hat and some tools and such. She would fetch water for them, clean tools in a bucket and pack her lunch pail to chow down with them on break. Cute stuff.So at the end of the week the guys got together and gave her an envelope with her "pay". Twenty bucks! Her mom was so proud and not missing the opporunity to teach the girl another lesson, snared my buddy Satch to take them to the bank to deposit the money in her account. The manager thinks it's all cute and takes the girl over to her desk to discuss this huge transaction. She looks at the little girl and says, "So,how did you get this money young lady?" "Building a house".Manager's eyes raise. "Building a house? So you work in construction?"Feet dangling from chair and slightly bored, annoyed look from girl, "Yep""So, are you going to be building houses next week as well?"Girl, "If we get some more fucking wood."

That would have been the cutest thing ever, had I been able to see it in person.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

This one is for shake too -Watched "Bitch Slap" last night. The imdb writeup is "When three curvaceous babes, stripper Trixe, business executive Hel, and the feisty ex-con Camero, arrive at a desert hideaway to steal a stash of diamonds from an underworld kingpin, things quickly spiral out of control. Allegiances are switched, truths are revealed, criminals are unmasked and nothing is quite what it seems as the fate of the world is precariously balanced among this trio of sexy femmes fatales." but I would summarize it thusly: tits and guns.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

...You guys realize that's an old joke and didn't actually happen to Uncle Randy's friend, right? I can't tell who's being serious or not.

[Sickinfo2 291]

First off... I HAVE NOTHING FOR SHAKE!And Ive always heard the story as the kid being five or six... pretty soon it will still be in the crib or somethingNo matter...at least Jubi shared another father/son movie flick. Cant wait for the in-depth review...In other breaking news, Ive been chasing down an electrical gremlin in the kids Jeep since around two or so this morningEverything works but the dash lights and fortunately the wires are easy to get to as long as I stand on my head between the seats with my chin and both knees on my chest... Think girl in the backseat of a Mini Cooper or passing out on a toilet only upside down...pretty close to the same thingDamn... I did have something for Shake after all

[LongLiveYorke 38]

this one's for shake:so they sent me down to the file room today. had to pull the file for a client who just died. WE NEED THAT WILL. so i'm looking for the file and do you know what happened? you'll never guess so i'll just tell you, IT WASNT THERE.

[iZuma 764]

beans you should replace the red wire cause it's bad. you're welcome!

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

this one's for shake:so they sent me down to the file room today. had to pull the file for a client who just died. WE NEED THAT WILL. so i'm looking for the file and do you know what happened? you'll never guess so i'll just tell you, IT WASNT THERE. i fuckin panic, they'll blame this on me. little timmy and sally won't get that cash money gramps left 'em. i death march back upstairs and confess i don't know where the file is. now here's the really crazy thing: the fuckin file was never in the file room, it was in the VP's office the whole damn time. he was already loooking it over and neglected to leave an OUT CARD. what a rat bastard. but hey, it's all in the game. finished out the day by day dreaming about this hot chick i saw at lunch. she had that sweet booty.

I liked this story.

Holy crap; I've heard this clip of Nic Cage doing the alphabet on the radio so many times and never knew what it was from. I mean, I still kinda don't (Vampire's Kiss?), but I feel a little bit more satisfied now.

[timwakefield 68]

It's no Friday, but it is really bad.Agent: I got you a gig for next week. Video, real money.Dancer: You're my savior! Like a serious music video or what? Agent: Three grand for 18 hours over 2 days.Dancer: My landlord and my empty fridge thank you! So is it a music video, or a bit in a movie, or a tv show, what is it???Agent: Next Tuesday and Wednesday, I'll text you the address.Dancer: Great! So....are you gonna tell me what it's for?!Agent: No. It's not porn though.

[Tiltinagain 973]

From the Happy Birthday Wang thread today:

Thanks Faggots.

Alive or clever hack job?

[mrdannyg 274]

From the Happy Birthday Wang thread today:Alive or clever hack job?

Amazing how much that guy contributed with only 8 posts.

[Tiltinagain 973]

Well fuckClearly attention to detail was never my strong suit

[Roll the Bones 74]

Okay, I'll admit it.I had seen the guy with the collander on his head prior to you guys posting it and laughed my ass off. You guys do know me.

[Dawson Leery 12]

Peyton Manning allegedly holding up the CBA to become a free agent (along with vincent jackson, mankins and drew brees)?Peyton's hard for me to believe, but if so I agree with the punter - what douchebags

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

I'm trying to avoid NFL lockout talk. I don't care about football until the regular season starts and there's an almost zero chance this isn't resolved before the pre-season.I find the NBA lockout talk to be pretty interesting though.

[brvheart 1,752]

...You guys realize that's an old joke and didn't actually happen to Uncle Randy's friend, right? I can't tell who's being serious or not.

****in' Satch.

[Sickinfo2 291]

Day in the life of Beans...I figured out the wiring problem around daylight this morning. It seems the the previous owner had the same problem and decided to just cut the wires at the connector instead of fixing it properly. Once the right side of my face woke back up and my left leg regained movement, I brought out a spool of wire, a soldering iron, and a package of heat shrink tubing and had the lights fully operational by around tenAs luck would have it, a cooler full of beer jumped out in front of me shortly afterward, leaving me no choice but to indulge in its sweet nectar until around noon...(Beans gets bored)"Well....I guess I should take this thing down to the DMV and get tags for it"(thirty minutes of negotiating with insurance agent on phone)"Yeah.... I doubt if it gets driven much more than fifty miles a year"(beer)"Nah.... its just for huntin and stuff.... it wont see the highway unless its an emergency or something"(more lying)"Alright.... Ill print out the proof of insurance as soon as it gets here....thanks"(beers)So after loading the cooler, I pointed the Jeep toward the state assessors office, which is located in our county courthouse. Since the ragheads screwed us over, the local gestapo installed a metal detector and overweight cop to secure the joint. Luckily, I forgot this fact until surfacing at the front door...."Hello... you have any knives or weapons on you?""....Uh....just a knife""Please place it in this tray....Ill keep it for you until you leave"(Beans places pocket knife in plastic tray and staggers through detector)"Sir...you have something metal in your lower pocket""I dont think I do.... (feels pocket)..... just some cash and my wallet""Put it in the tray"(Beans throws wad of cash and wallet in tray while people in line behind him sigh)"You must have something else in there""No.... my pockets are empty""Well...something is triggering the detector and its showing that its below your waist"(Beans gets aggravated)"I can assure you that I have nothing else in my pockets....it must be the snaps or zippers or something"(blank look from overweight cop)Since there was an obvious Mexican standoff going on, I did the only thing that an inebriated fellow could do in this situation. I took off my shorts.(puts shorts in tray and walks through metal detector)"Ill be back for them in a minute"So after registering the new vehicle in my boxers, I retraced my steps back to the security officer who was still grinning from ear to ear...."I cant believe you did that""Well...I didnt want to stand around patting my shorts all day looking like a fool"(Beans puts shorts back on)"You made my day with that stunt""Must be boring around here, huh?""You wouldnt believe it""I feel for ya....have a good one""You too...."So after that fiasco, I made my way a few miles down the road to the DMV. Normally in a small town such as this the wait time is measured in minutes instead of days like in Nevada or California, so I entered the building with just a half can of suds in a camofladge© expecting to be out of there before it got warm. Boy, was I wrong(Beans grabs number seventy five from the ticket dispenser while noting that number fifty three is displayed on the digital counter)I found a seat in the back of the room by the "JUST ONE DRINK IS ALL IT TAKES TO LOSE IT!" sign on the wall and commenced observing the women like a normal male should. After observing a few teenage girls getting their license for the first time, I played the game "Which one would you do?" while sizing up them and their moms. Yeah, the correct answer was both in every instance. I was in the middle of guessing if the gal beside me was having a boy or girl when my number was called...."NUMBA SEBENTEE FIBE!"(large black lady stands up behind counter as Beans makes his way to the front)"Howdy.... I have a new....""I needs yo numba dere""Uh....ok"(Beans hands over ticket)"Now hows ken I hep ya te-dey""Well.... I need to tag this"(Beans hands over title, bill of sale, proof of insurance, and tax assessment documents)"You has just bote this?""Yeah""Any leens against it?""No.... I thought about financing it but they wanted ninety percent down and the remainder spread over ten years"(puzzled look)"Load have mercy.... dat seem a little steep ta me!""Yeah.... thats what I thought"(pecking on computer)"You still libe at this dress?""When the wife lets me""Curreck pone numba?""Yeah, and if Im not home the guy who answers will give you the time and temperature""Fo seben nine fi to one eite fo six free?""Yep"(more pecking)So around this time a female cop walks behind the counter and sits down by Ester. I immediately noticed that she was abnormally attractive for being the enemy and appeared to have quite the little body hidden behind the layers of kevlar under her uniform. Not really figuring her for an actual patrolman, I struck up a conversation thinking that she was just another wannabe stuck in a state building under the pretenses of providing terrorist intervention for the general public...."How are you doin this afternoon?""Im fine...and you?""Pretty good.... I bought this number from a scalper outside so Ive only been here for nine hours""You did what?"(cop grins as Beans does his best Bruce Willis smirk impression)"Youre pullin my leg""Nah.... if anything Id pull both of them"(giggle)"Youre terrible"(more pecking from Ester as cop lady blushes)"Dat will bes twentee fo twentee fee"(transaction completed)"You should be guarding the courthouse today....I heard that some fool took his shorts off up there today at the metal detector""I wouldnt doubt it....lots of crazies up there""Yeah....like this place is a model of sanity... (glances over at toothless crackhead beside me)"Im just here visiting my friend.... they dont need security around here""Ah.... so I should put these tags on before leaving the parking lot or youll pull me over?""I know you have them"(Beans figures hed better quit flirting before she gets the idea to actually pull him over later)"You gals have a good day....and be safe out there""We'll do....see ya"So Beans staggers back out to the Jeep, reloads the cano, and drives a wide circle around the building on the way to the exit. In the middle of the first to second shift he hears a womans voice calling to him...."STOP!"(Beans panics)"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, MISTER!" (Beans heart rate redlines) "NOW YOURE IN BIG TROUBLE!"(Beans has slight bowel movement as lady cop trots up to Jeep)"Now you wouldnt be plannin on driving out of here without a seatbelt on, would you?"(Beans reaches down for safety restraint after placing beer between seats)"Of course not.... I was just testing your observational skills"(fifteen minutes of conversation about Jeeps, off roading, and Glock handguns)"You stay outta trouble mister""Always""I know where ya live...yad better""You bet"I drove back home with the overpowering feeling that something terrible had just happened. It was almost like realizing in the middle of saying something awful about someone that they were standing right behind you. It was so bad that I only reloaded twice on the way homeSo yeah, I may have a female cop stalker on my heels. I can see a couple positives but many negatives that could materialize from it....Lets put it this wayIm screwed any way you look at it...NOTHING FOR SHAKE!

[ShakeZuma 585]

and this guy made millions and millions of dollars from acting. WHERE'S YOUR GOD NOW BRV???

So yeah, I may have a female cop stalker on my heels. I can see a couple positives but many negatives that could materialize from it....

see this is why I never talk to women at all. nothing but bad things ever come from it. netflix and facebook stalking. no need for anything else!

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

Day in the life of Beans...

This whole story was amazing.

[brvheart 1,752]

Stupid time & temp number.

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

For LG.

[vbnautilus 48]

For LG

Both of these look awesome. Really excited about the 2nd one.

...

[Roll the Bones 74]

For LG

Chimps- Awwwwwwwwwwww!!Muppets- Arrivano sul grande schermo I Muppets, i simpatici pupazzetti che al seguito di Kermit la rana cercano di salvare il loro vecchio teatro mettendo su uno spettacolo.Footloose-- Dumbest remake evah.

[Roll the Bones 74]

****in' Satch.

haha, I had never heard it until before. I read it in Bill Bryson's Travel Book on Australia, "In a Sunburned Country"which was an amazing book written in 2000. The story was told to him by an elderly grandmother that he corresponded with over the years. I tried to adapt it into something current and having told it 3 times live now it has never failed to make people "LOL". I guess it isn't surprising that it has made the rounds since then, but it had never occured to me that the grandmother was the original person to make a story up about it.

This whole story was amazing.

some of beans better work imho. Geez, we need to make a movie by following him around for a year. Hey, it worked with a chimp, amirite?