I Called In Sick Today

[Roll the Bones 74]

That's the gayest shit I ever heard.I've done it in a Sauna, and that is awful. There is pretty much no way to not get burnt, unless you are just standing up.I have always wanted to try the steam room to, just no eucalyptus oil while I'm doing it please.

Wat? Koala sex is the best!

[Naked_Cowboy 0]

Sounds slippery.

that's kinda what i'm going for.or just sex in general. I'm not picky at this point

[El Guapo 8]

[JoeyJoJo 18]

it seems plausible that snopes is actually just forwarding this shit around for the opportunity to masterfully debunk it.

Do you think you could work on getting that rumor spread around to see if Snopes will debunk it?I mean, what else do you have to do?

[hank213 1,823]

Do you think you could work on getting that rumor spread around to see if Snopes will debunk it?I mean, what else do you have to do?

Would you please stop distracting him. He has COVER LETTERS to write.

[speedz99 145]

Would you please stop distracting him. He has COVER LETTERS to write.

Heh.

[Voldemort 0]

Canyon Ranch is amazing. Enjoy that man.

[El Guapo 8]

Actual conversation I had with my 2 year old daughter an hour agoHer: Daddy I want to hold youMe: Why Bean?Her: I'm scaredMe: Of What?Her: MonstersMe: There are no monsters honey, we made sureHer: No they are scary, when I close my eyesMe: Mommy sprayed the outside of the house with Monster spray, so they can't get inHer: They can't get in?Me: Nope you're safeHer: What about Robots?Me: It's OK we bought Robot insuranceHer: We did? They're scary.Me: Ya, from Old Colony, so we're protected against Robot attacksHer: We are?Me: Ya, Sam Watterson is helping to protect usHer: Oh, ok

[speedz99 145]

Robot insurance doesn't protect you from attacks, it just pays out in case of attack. Your daughter is quite the idiot.

[brvheart 1,752]

There are a ton of brain-dead Republicans out there that only read books about Jesus and totally slanted political commentary.

...

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

Robot insurance doesn't protect you from attacks, it just pays out in case of attack. Your daughter is quite the idiot.

well done, sir.

...

hitting a little to close to home?

[Sickinfo2 291]

Surprisingly, Im not much of a spa personI remember back some time ago....(scene fades from Beans thinking back at the desk to a younger Beans sitting at a twenty one table at the Mirage)"Hey Moe.... what you got stashed back there that you can use to entice me to keep playing this rigged-ass game?""Whatsha want?""Certainly not tickets to that fag show with tigers and shit!.... WAITRESS!"(fellow gamblers smile and bask in the awkwardness)"Well.... how about a trip to the spa for you and the little lady?"(Beans looks at fellow gamblers)"How about that?..... callin my peter the "little lady".... Damned if I ever show it to him again!"(more polite smiles and one guffaw from a fellow drunk at first base)"Beans.... Ill be right back with a pass""Alright...but just remember, buddy.... shes a grower....not a shower!"(waitress arrives and further recollection is impossible)So around noon the next day, I woke up with three signed markers and a "spa comp pass" in the pocket of my shorts, which somehow made their way from my legs to my right arm. After a quick tattoo and teeth check, I summonsed the ole lady to the car for assistance into the house and to the shower, where I spent the next two hours asleep under running water. After a quick cold compress to the neck and a pot or two of coffee, I emerged from the bathroom good as new and ready to treat the wifey to a free sixty five hundred dollar spa visit.Once the Chevy was released from its captors of trash cans and the diving board pedestal, I pointed the two seater back to the scene of the previous nights crime scene. Its always awkward going back to the casino in which you made an absolute ass of yourself the night before. For some folks that is. I got over it back in my early twenties when the town was much smaller and word spread down the strip of my antics before I was even able to be carried home. Back then, Id just lay low for a few days, check LVPD for warrants every few hours and send Shane down to the general area that I remembered to gather intell on my supposed actions. If both came up without much chance of legal or civil problems, Id grace the doors once again and do it all over again. I did stay away for an extended period once, though.... lets just say that the Fremonts buffet was fully responsible for my induction into the Vegas "Shat Pack" at table forty threeAnyway, once at the place the wife and I walked in, signed the register, and forked over the card that allowed full privileges to a place that smelled like a busted perfume bottle inside my pool house. I was already having second thoughts about the whole thing and was secretly making plans to escape back to the casino to try and sell back the markers to the pit when a little gal with too much makeup on ran from behind the counter..."The Icewaters?""What did you hear?""Uh.... Im your host, Shelly""Hi Shelly....weren't you serving drinks last night?""Why, yes I was!""Heres a fifty.... I dont wanna know nothing""I understand....now, what can we do for you two this evening?""Two double Crown-n-Cokes.....you want anything hon?" (mean look)"Alright....just one""Sir, Id suggest that you try our detoxification treatment....It releases all of those nasty poisons from your body using aromatherapy, facial treatments and enhancements, body massage, and steam therapy""Jesus Christ.... there wont be anything left of me without poisons!" (two hours of mud on my face, stinky incense, rub downs without the happy ending, and walking around in a robe with a hard on later)I found myself sitting in the steam room with one other guy that looked just like a Chicago mob boss. I was distracted by the occasional black out from the overbearing heat to pay much attention, but after a few minutes the guy got up to do something and sat back down right beside me..."You come here much?""Uh.... Im not buyin you a drink""Im just asking cause you dont seem to be enjoying this much""I scream too loud at the mud bath thing?""A little....thought I was at the dentist for a minute""Me too""What...the wife talk you into this or sumptin?""Nah....lost a bunch last night and this is the shit they comped me""Figured""Lemme ask you something.... you like this shit?""Nah....the wife does though....lemme tell ya something.....""Icewater""Lemme tell ya somethin, Icewater....these places are for two kinda people"(Beans scoots aside a little) "Yeah?""One kind can afford it, convinces themselves that it does them good, and as a bonus gets to tell the ones that cant afford it how fortunate they are to get to do it""And the other?""Cant afford it, but does it for the same damn reasons"(Boss gets up to leave)"Hey....what about me?....which one am I?""You?....youre just a pussy"True story

[speedz99 145]

...

Aw, come on, you know I don't consider you in that category. I'm sure you also read books about other stuff.You know, I really meant that, yet it still reads as me trying to be a dick.

"Heres a fifty.... I dont wanna know nothing""You?....youre just a pussy"

I enjoyed these lines very much.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Her: What about Robots?Me: It's OK we bought Robot insuranceHer: We did? They're scary.Me: Ya, from Old Colony, so we're protected against Robot attacksHer: We are?Me: Ya, Sam Watterson is helping to protect usHer: Oh, ok

You should also explain that robots usually go after the elderly, feeding on their many pills for fuel.

[El Guapo 8]

"Alright...but just remember, buddy.... shes a grower....not a shower!"

Pretty sure you stole this from me.

[strategy 4]

I like to imagine LLY now has a work van he travels around in, complete with all sorts of physics tools, for the purpose of fixing people's physics problems.

saw this in the music thread. it reminded me of this, which I did not author:-----------------------------------My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

[brvheart 1,752]

"Hey....what about me?....which one am I?""You?....youre just a pussy"

This "true story" was quite well timed, and should put CB in his place nicely.

Aw, come on, you know I don't consider you in that category. I'm sure you also read books about other stuff.You know, I really meant that, yet it still reads as me trying to be a dick.

It's true that you're a huge dick, but I was mainly going for the fact that there are just as many clueless people reading Al Franken, Al Gore, and Obama books. I think "people" are dumb, not just "republicans". QUOTATION MARKS!

[mk 11]

That's the gayest shit I ever heard.

what are you, new here?

It's true that you're a huge dick, but I was mainly going for the fact that there are just as many clueless people reading Al Franken, Al Gore, and Obama books. I think "people" are dumb, not just "republicans". QUOTATION MARKS!

SERIOUSLY? Are you SERIOUSLY comparing books written by Al Gore and Barack Obama, men who have dedicated their lives to making the world better (and have mostly succeeded), to books written by Laura Ingraham and Michelle Malkin, two people who became famous for spewing vile invective and attempting to lower the level of political discourse in this country to the level of toddlers? REALLY

[CaneBrain 95]

This "true story" was quite well timed, and should put CB in his place nicely.

Impossible.Heading over to Canyon after work today for a rock climbing class followed by a "reflexology" massage (fancy word for 45 minute foot massage) and then a good schvitz. Yay.

[Voldemort 0]

saw this in the music thread. it reminded me of this, which I did not author:-----------------------------------My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Bwahhaahahahaa!

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Oh, god, so effing good.

[JoeyJoJo 18]

"You come here much?""Uh.... Im not buyin you a drink"

My favorite part.

Pretty sure you stole this from me.

What?

[Naked_Cowboy 0]

Installing all of those vents decreased the temperature in my house by maybe 1 degree. )($@#* beans, help me make my house cooler.

[Sickinfo2 291]

Pretty sure you stole this from me.

Thats been around since I was a small child listening to my uncles say similar things like, "BOY! That road out there is slicker than a minners dick!"I also knew all of Foxworthys material before he did...

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Good, good stuff...-Johnny Carson

This "true story" was quite well timed, and should put CB in his place nicely.

Nope. All true....just brought from the archives after a memory jog from the topicIt was back there with many others like my first attempts at scuba diving, golfing, barefoot skiing, and the latest incident.... kitesurfing...and all of them have the same thing in common

Drunken loss of shorts

[speedz99 145]

Installing all of those vents decreased the temperature in my house by maybe 1 degree. )($@#* beans, help me make my house cooler.

His screen name* says it all, doesn't it?*the beans one