I Called In Sick Today

[JoeyJoJo 18]

This is why our culture is going to hell. Don't use google, just read the DAMN POEM.

I actually used google to read it. But thanks. Unless that wasn't specifically meant for me, then screw you! (Maybe reverse that.)

Wang - if you want to be an accountant, you're going to have to take Engligh 102. Excellent communication skills are a must.

This was funny.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

"And let me tell ya.... green paint is hard to remove"

I dunno about the rest, but this is true. I don't know what it is about green paint but that shit is a pain in the ass.

[LadyGrey 6]

Jason Bateman + Dustin Hoffman = sweet hot love

[strategy 4]

hey dawson, when you move up the ladder, can I have your old job?

[mk 11]

bateman and hoffman on the jumbotron kiss cam would be quite a lot of win if you were at the game i suppose.regarding grammar and composition gen ed requirements, i waited until senior year to take my comp 2 because i knew it would be the worst ever, and i was not disappointed. it was me and 25 sophomores who, without exception, wrote at no higher than a 7th grade level. we always had to do these peer reviews, and i was just fucking ruthless to everyone and i'm sure they all hated me. or actually, they probably didn't care either way. people would literally begin essays--and i mean the first sentence here, which should make it quite clear what the essay is to be about--with a fragment that was entirely irrelevant to the rest of the paper. the t.a. was this huge bull dyke, and she fucking loved me. she would've hit it with a strap on if i'd asked, i'm sure of it.

[El Guapo 8]

I barely remember any of my non major classes. If I do remember something about them, it was because there was a hot girl in the class.That was pretty much the theme of my first couple years of college, sit next to hot girls, become "study partners", then, do nothing because I was awful with girls then. So I had a lot of really attractive female friends, or they would have boyfriends. Either way I was the complete antithesis of Dawson.

[strategy 4]

we always had to do these peer reviews, and i was just fucking ruthless to everyone and i'm sure they all hated me.

of COURSE you're that guy

[JoeyJoJo 18]

I barely remember any of my non major classes. If I do remember something about them, it was because there was a hot girl in the class.That was pretty much the theme of my first couple years of college, sit next to hot girls, become "study partners", then, do nothing because I was awful with girls then. So I had a lot of really attractive female friends, or they would have boyfriends. Either way I was the complete antithesis of Dawson.

This is precisely how I experienced college too. Except I barely remember by major classes as well.And I was almost never the study partner of a hot girl.College!

[El Guapo 8]

This is precisely how I experienced college too. Except I barely remember by major classes as well.And I was almost never the study partner of a hot girl.College!

I was amazing at becoming study partners with hot chicks. Like I was easily in the top 2% with regards to ability in area. Unfortunately I was easily in the bottom 2% of converting that to anything besides extended time in the library. Although, I do have one pretty good story.A buddy of mine decided to take all the same classes as me (that is a story for another time, needlessly to say I don't speak to him any more). We were taking Communications 15, public speaking. Now I have always been an above average public speaker, I am generally not overly nervous if I know what I am talking about and compared to the neanderthals in my class, I was a career politician.At one point we had to do a group speech on something, I don't remember the topic, but it was me, my friend, some random guy and the hottest girl in the class. We went over to the random guys apartment to study and ended up drinking 2 1.75 liter bottles of vodka between the four of us. After about an hour we decided to play strip poker, the unspoken goal was to get this girl naked (now me being me had no plan after that, I was just excited to possibly see boobies). We accomplished that goal, but the only way she would comply was to get naked as well. But I wouldn't just sit there with my junk out, so I kept covering up with a shirt or my boxers or something.By this time, I could barely see 2 feet in front of me, we were all sitting on the floor in a circle playing cards and I kept falling over backwards when I would lean my head back. When I fell over, I was giving everyone a clear shot of my third eye. To to top it off, I kept farting as I would fall back. After the third time of me dusting the audience, the game broke. I got dressed and my friend chased the naked girl into the bathroom. I was actually concerned as to what he might do (illegally) since he was so drunk so I sorta intervened because you could tell she was not OK with what was going on. While all this was happening, the random guys roommate came home with his GF to an apartment full of naked people. He was seemingly OK with it, and not overly surprised.The hot chick never showed back to class after that night, and I think I saw her on campus later in the year and she bee lined it in a different direction.College!

[Nikki_N 17]

I thought the standards was, "The Road Not Taken."

Okay, so I've read two things by Frost. I'm a little embarrassed that I forgot about that one. It is the standard, really.

Jason Bateman + Dustin Hoffman = sweet hot love

Love it!

The hot chick never showed back to class after that night, and I think I saw her on campus later in the year and she bee lined it in a different direction.College!

Do you think it was out of sheer embarrassment, or was she really freaked out by the guy?

[El Guapo 8]

Do you think it was out of sheer embarrassment, or was she really freaked out by the guy?

100% Embarrassment. But I am sure she was freaked out by that guy. He was, um, weird. Very stalkerish.

[Nikki_N 17]

100% Embarrassment. But I am sure she was freaked out by that guy. He was, um, weird. Very stalkerish.

Those are the guys that think all the strippers want to go home with them. "She really likes me! She asked for my number!"

[El Guapo 8]

Those are the guys that think all the strippers want to go home with them. "She really likes me! She asked for my number!"

Yup, he was one of them.One of the girls, who I of course became wonderful friends with, was a stripper. He fell in love with her. They got drunk one night and made out, he then would not leave her alone. It was awkward when I stayed friend with her after she told him to eff off. There are many reasons why I no longer talk to this person.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Somehow, on the bus ride home, I managed to lose my favorite sweatshirt. I don't know what it is, but, throughout the years, I've become very attached to a few sweatshirts (all at different times, I'm a sweatshirt monogamist). This is quickly leading me down the path of dark, somber depression. It was a large, blue Yankee sweatshirt that my dad bought me at the Stadium when it became cold and rainy one night. Living in Europe, I was always reminded of home and family when I wore it.Actually, it's pretty funny. There are a lot of people out here who wear Yankee hats. I see them all the time. I'm pretty sure that they have no idea what they're wearing. I think they just wear them because they say Jay-Z wearing one.Anyway, in conclusion, really depressed about losing sweatshirt on bus. etc

[LongLiveYorke 38]

There are many reasons why I no longer talk to this person.

Is it because he's a werewolf?That was an odd post...

[mk 11]

We accomplished that goal

the image of you falling over and dropping unfiltered sharts in people's grills is quite comical, but this ^ is the part of the story i was most interested in, and you gave us nothing.i want details here

[Nikki_N 17]

Somehow, on the bus ride home, I managed to lose my favorite sweatshirt. I don't know what it is, but, throughout the years, I've become very attached to a few sweatshirts (all at different times, I'm a sweatshirt monogamist). This is quickly leading me down the path of dark, somber depression. It was a large, blue Yankee sweatshirt that my dad bought me at the Stadium when it became cold and rainy one night. Living in Europe, I was always reminded of home and family when I wore it.Actually, it's pretty funny. There are a lot of people out here who wear Yankee hats. I see them all the time. I'm pretty sure that they have no idea what they're wearing. I think they just wear them because they say Jay-Z wearing one.Anyway, in conclusion, really depressed about losing sweatshirt on bus. etc

Can you call the bus company tonight and see if it made it into the lost and found?

[JoeyJoJo 18]

It was a large, blue Yankee sweatshirt that my dad bought me at the Stadium when it became cold and rainy one night. Living in Europe, I was always reminded of home and family when I wore it.

Sometimes when we lose something, we really find something. This time you found that you really do love your dad, even if he was always pushing you to play sports when all you really wanted to do was play with your Erector set. And although you enjoy watching sports and although your dad is proud of you for being "a scientist or something" (his words), you've always imagined there's a small rift between you because of how things turned out.It's why you like the song "Sulk" so much. When the loving comesAnd we've already goneJust like your dadYou'll never changeThe sweatshirt reminds you of the rift, reminds you that it is, in fact, those differences that make you your father's son.Or maybe it was just really comfortable, I don't know.

[strategy's_touch 0]

haha, study groups. I participated in extactly one during college. it was in the hardest finance course required for the major. depending on your midterm score, the final was 50 or 100% of your grade and comprehensive. I aced the final and wondered if this study group thing had potential.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Can you call the bus company tonight and see if it made it into the lost and found?

I'll try, but my French isn't that great, so I don't know how much success I'll have.

Sometimes when we lose something, we really find something. This time you found that you really do love your dad, even if he was always pushing you to play sports when all you really wanted to do was play with your Erector set. And although you enjoy watching sports and although your dad is proud of you for being "a scientist or something" (his words), you've always imagined there's a small rift between you because of how things turned out.It's why you like the song "Sulk" so much. When the loving comesAnd we've already goneJust like your dadYou'll never changeThe sweatshirt reminds you of the rift, reminds you that it is, in fact, those differences that make you your father's son.Or maybe it was just really comfortable, I don't know.

Epic, and a bit too spot on.

[El Guapo 8]

the image of you falling over and dropping unfiltered sharts in people's grills is quite comical, but this ^ is the part of the story i was most interested in, and you gave us nothing.i want details here

Well it was about 14 years ago, and I was really drunk, so the details are bit blurry. (literally and figuratively).Once we all arrived and started talking about the project, it was pretty clear that nobody had any desire to work on it. So we thought drinking might help things. This is back when I poured a cranberry vodka and it had the color of a cherry 7 up, so after one drink everyone was drunk.Somehow poker came up, and I suggested we play strip poker. My friend thought that was a great idea, the random guy just followed along with a shrug and the girl decided to play begrudgingly. At this point I pulled my best Worm (Rounders) impersonation, even though this happened before that movie was made, and consistently dealt her the losing hands. We got her down to bra and panties, and we were still half dressed, she would not go any further if we weren't. So the next few hands the guys lost, and then she let the rest of the clothes go. We sat around for a few more minutes, pretty much all naked, me with my junk covered not really having a plan as to what to do next. Pretty sure gang rape was not an option, and I had not met Brad yet, so since my knowledge in MMMF foursome was limited, I started to get dressed. That is when the bathroom shenanigans began.Good news for me is she was sitting directly across from me, so I got full view of everything. Bad news for her, she was sitting directly across from me.

[strategy's_touch 0]

guapo, you lived off campus while attending a commuter school, right? you can't take ALL the blame for not being good with the ladies.

[El Guapo 8]

guapo, you lived off campus while attending a commuter school, right? you can't take ALL the blame for not being good with the ladies.

Ya, first couple years were community college, lived at home until I was 21. Then finished at another commuter school, while living with a friend.Home was a 45 minute - 1 hour commute to school too.

[Bearded in Absentia 0]

Benjarvus Green-Ellis (Link) was in my freshman writing class at IU (class of maybe 20 people). Every day he would fall asleep and the teacher would call on him. I'd nudge him to wake him up, and he'd turn to me and give me this exact look: and I'd shit my pants.Wang - if you want to be an accountant, you're going to have to take Engligh 102. Excellent communication skills are a must.Also, speaking of jobs, Dawson's looking to move on. If anyone has any connections with PE/VC firms (preferable in Chicago) holler.

I know who Benjarvus Green-Ellis is, and I had the same experience with random football players, repeatedly.Also: you're hilarious

regarding grammar and composition gen ed requirements, i waited until senior year to take my comp 2 because i knew it would be the worst ever, and i was not disappointed. it was me and 25 sophomores who, without exception, wrote at no higher than a 7th grade level. we always had to do these peer reviews, and i was just fucking ruthless to everyone and i'm sure they all hated me. or actually, they probably didn't care either way. people would literally begin essays--and i mean the first sentence here, which should make it quite clear what the essay is to be about--with a fragment that was entirely irrelevant to the rest of the paper. the t.a. was this huge bull dyke, and she fucking loved me. she would've hit it with a strap on if i'd asked, i'm sure of it.

And you graduated from a real university, my friend. If I have to take one of these mouth-breathing classes, I will simply ask for an outline of all the coursework up front, spend a Monday-Wednesday alone in a dark room, jacked up on stimulants, and finish it all in one go.

I barely remember any of my non major classes. If I do remember something about them, it was because there was a hot girl in the class.That was pretty much the theme of my first couple years of college, sit next to hot girls, become "study partners", then, do nothing because I was awful with girls then. So I had a lot of really attractive female friends, or they would have boyfriends. Either way I was the complete antithesis of Dawson.

This was my business model as well, except I started in high school. Occasionally I would end up boinking the girl (see: Homecoming Queen), and other times I would snag a BBA (Boink by Association), which was fine all the same. How I spent my morning:I wanted to add an album to my iPod that was 73.5 MB. My iPod had 18 MB free, which was: obvious problem. Usually, I would just go through and delete an album I don't listen to that much, and deal with the subsequent onslaught of guilt by scouring the internet for a really bad review of the artist and album in question. A quick once over of my iPod library made it very obvious that there was, quite simply, no fat to trim; my library had been fine-tuned such that I couldn't find a single album to remove. But! But I found two duplicates, which I promptly exercised. But? But now what? "I know. I shall make a sadness sandwich -- peppered turkey and havarti on bagel -- and bone up on NFL defensive schemes." So I spent the next hour or so learning as much as I could about the 3-4, specifically the Ravens' version of the 3-4, and its relative merits. Shockingly, this did not clear up 50MB of space on my iPod. I took another tour through, and noticed that, while most of my music was compressed at a variable bitrate, a fair number of albums were compressed at 320kbps. So, I swear to God, I spent the next hour downloading new, VBR versions of the albums that were taking up extra space on my iPod, and then replacing the 320 space-wasters with their respective VBR counterparts. After all was said and done, I was still a few Megs short. "NO! Goddammit NOOOOOOO!"Heartbroken and suicidal, fighting back tears, I accidentally clicked on the "movies" tab on my iPod and saw that I had a 233MB video on my iPod that my brother put on there so he could show it to somebody while we were in Vegas. Well then.

[brvheart 1,752]

How I spent my morning:I wanted to add an album to my iPod that was 73.5 MB. My iPod had 18 MB free, which was: obvious problem. Usually, I would just go through and delete an album I don't listen to that much, and deal with the subsequent onslaught of guilt by scouring the internet for a really bad review of the artist and album in question. A quick once over of my iPod library made it very obvious that there was, quite simply, no fat to trim; my library had been fine-tuned such that I couldn't find a single album to remove. But! But I found two duplicates, which I promptly exercised. But? But now what? "I know. I shall make a sadness sandwich -- peppered turkey and havarti on bagel -- and bone up on NFL defensive schemes." So I spent the next hour or so learning as much as I could about the 3-4, specifically the Ravens' version of the 3-4, and its relative merits. Shockingly, this did not clear up 50MB of space on my iPod. I took another tour through, and noticed that, while most of my music was compressed at a variable bitrate, a fair number of albums were compressed at 320kbps. So, I swear to God, I spent the next hour downloading new, VBR versions of the albums that were taking up extra space on my iPod, and then replacing the 320 space-wasters with their respective VBR counterparts. After all was said and done, I was still a few Megs short. "NO! Goddammit NOOOOOOO!"Heartbroken and suicidal, fighting back tears, I accidentally clicked on the "movies" tab on my iPod and saw that I had a 233MB video on my iPod that my brother put on there so he could show it to somebody while we were in Vegas. Well then.

Well, at least you had a relaxing morning.