digitalmonkey 929 Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 I very much prefer Taylor Swift over Bieber. Link to post Share on other sites
Mercury69 3 Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 I very much prefer Taylor Swift over Bieber.She has a purtier mouth. Barely. Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted December 30, 2011 Author Share Posted December 30, 2011 Man, so I'm watching the Pinstripes Bowl on tv and sipping on mango mandarin chai tea from me Keurig. I then fell asleep. I wake up. And I had the most amazing dream ever. Brian Burke decided to run for Prime Minister of Canada and won. Rogers/Bell then decide to hold a competition to see who would be the next GM, they choose to pick a fan, because they don't want someone normal. They want to do something contrarian. They decide to put blue coffee in one k cup, and if you get that k cup, you become the Toronto Maple Leafs GM. I drink Keurig, and I have blue coffee, it bled blue. So I become GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. I immediately call the Montreal Canadians and Ottawa Senators. I tell the Montreal Canadians, I will give them Phil Kessel. I tell the Ottawa Senators I will give them Nazem Kadri. In return, all that I ask is that I get to appoint their new GM's. I immediately appoint Serge as GM of the Montreal Canadians and MrDannyG as the GM of the Ottawa Senators. Serge gives me back Phil Kessel and 2 1st round picks, plus $40 million in salary cap for Mike Komisarek. I get MrDannyG to drive from Ottawa to Toronto to talk trade. When he gets here, I get JoeyBats to throw a booster juice on his face, and tell him I'm tired of trade talks with him, and tell him to go back to Ottawa. Both the Canadians and Senators franchises are then ruined because Serge and MrDannyG ruin them. I immediately hire Ollie as my new head scout. I tell him my plan is to make the Toronto Maple Leafs all Russian. Ollie is from Britain, and that's close to Russia, so I'm sure he has some connections. Ollie & I eat some fish and chips, drink some tea, play some craps, then we immediately grab Ovechkin, Malkin, Yakupov, Kovalchuk, etc. We trade every asset we have to get every Russian. To make sure they don't bitch, we make it a communist team and pay everyone the exact same salary. None of the players are allowed to wear original shit either. I fire reebok, nike, or whoever does our jerseys and I get all our team to start wearing lululemon jerseys. Ovie f*cking loves it. To make sure they all stay in line, I make them all live in the CN Tower. Except it's no longer called the CN Tower, it's called the Biatch's Barbershop. I need a superintendent to look after all the Russians. I call Steve aka Sbriand. Ovie and Semin complain that they want to live at the top of the Barbershop, I tell them f*ck that, Sbriand gets to live at the top of the castle. I then get a hold of Steve Simmons, Damian Cox, & Howard Berger, I catch em all like f*cing pokemon, put them in a bag, send em into space like NASA, then when it comes crashing back to earth, I make it land in Pittsburgh so they write mean things about Sidney Crosby, and make him cry more. But now since all the writers are no longer living in my communist city, I need a writer. Steve's wife is a writer, I hire her and pay her a fajillion dollars a year so Steve, his wife, and baby Jin can all be ballers like me, because I'll be worth millions of fajillions of dollars. I hold weekly shinny games every Sunday morning for all the FCP/FCHL guys at the ACC. One team in the morning is Pezenveng, Arp, Wayne, SBriand, Ollie, & troyomac in net. My team is me, Ovie, Kovalchuk, Gonchar, Karlsson (I make him get Russian Citizenship), and Brysgalov in net. Ovie bitches about having to play a stupid shinny game every Sunday, but I tell em to shut up or I'll make sure SBriand doesn't give him his clubbin money this week. Ovie obeys and never complains again. I get Chris to organize a poker game once a week too. I tell him to rig it so my 2-7 offsuit cracks Wayne's aces everytime. Chris says he doesn't know how to rig a poker a deck. I tell him to do it or else I will make him live with Serge. Chris figures how to rig a poker game. I win everytime. Arp gets pissed that he has to go to a poker game every week that is rigged and eventually figures out a way to rig my rig, and cheat me out of a fajillion dollars. It doesn't matter tho because I've filthy rich. Arp & I laugh about it, and put a fajillion dollars on 8 at craps. We hit the 8. Then we press press press, and come out with a fajillion gazillion dollars. I make every hockey game K-Cup game too, so that the first 60 000 fans get free k-cups. Regardless of whether we lose or win the game, fans pelt the other team and the ice with k-cups. It is an amazing sight to see all the k-cups flooding the ice. The Toronto Maple Leafs then win the stanley cup for the next fajillion years. I then wake up and realize none of this is true. Fack. FML Link to post Share on other sites
Dubey 1,035 Posted December 30, 2011 Share Posted December 30, 2011 I get MrDannyG to drive from Ottawa to Toronto to talk trade. When he gets here, I get JoeyBats to throw a booster juice on his face, and tell him I'm tired of trade talks with him, and tell him to go back to Ottawa. I get all our team to start wearing lululemon jerseys. Ovie f*cking loves it.these 2 parts made me lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Babying 613 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I tell him to rig it so my 2-7 offsuit cracks Wayne's aces everytime.Uh this is true and not a dream Link to post Share on other sites
mrdannyg 274 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Uh that is fantastic Biatch. You are fantastic. Don't let anyone ever tell you different. Including me. And I will. Link to post Share on other sites
troyomac 0 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 LOL biatch that's awesome. And I'm pretty sure you're 7-2 or some other shitty hand won a big pot from me on the HHOF weekend. FU Link to post Share on other sites
serge 904 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I love the story..How long did I have to stay the GM of Montreal before I can quit?I would of had a field day..They would be excited because my name is Serge and I am francophone..Then I go al boomshakka lakka on them say, NOPE Ne parles Francais.. Link to post Share on other sites
pezeveng 207 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Wow...you seem to have an IQ that is lower than Britney Spears' IQ. And a sense of humour that could be equated to, say, watching someone hit their hand with a hammer, laughing about it and, only later, realising it was your own hand.This made me laugh, it reminds me of the Simpsons episode where a new co-worker hates homer and doesn't understand why everyone loves him and finds him funny. I think the guy goes crazy by the end of the episode. Link to post Share on other sites
Zach6668 513 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 That episode is in season 8 and is called Homer's Enemy and it is spectacular. Link to post Share on other sites
digitalmonkey 929 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 That episode is in season 8 and is called Homer's Enemy and it is spectacular.The number of people surprised that Zach knows this:0BTW https://twitter.com/#!/WT****Facts is a great follow on Twitter Link to post Share on other sites
pezeveng 207 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Found this clip. The more I think about it the more it reminds me of this situation.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVcFjbI5DlA...feature=related Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 Found this clip. The more I think about it the more it reminds me of this situation.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVcFjbI5DlA...feature=related BAHAHAHAHAH YESSSSS. Mercury is sooooooooooooooo Frank Grimes!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAAH. He probably looks like Frank Grimes too, and dresses like him!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Zach6668 513 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Also in that episode:He eats like a pig!Na, I'd say he eats more like a duck. Pigs tend to chew. Also, Bart buys a factory. Link to post Share on other sites
MapleLeafpoker 1,462 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 Also in that episode:He eats like a pig!Na, I'd say he eats more like a duck. Pigs tend to chew. Also, Bart buys a factory.great episode. The factory part was a classic. Link to post Share on other sites
mrdannyg 274 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 great episode. The factory part was a classic.The "pigs tend to chew" line reminds me of my all-time favourite one, from the movie (blasphemy, I know)."We're trapped, trapped like rats!""Actually, rats are very difficult to trap. You were trapped more like...carrots." Link to post Share on other sites
Zach6668 513 Posted December 31, 2011 Share Posted December 31, 2011 I only saw the movie once. Simpsons fell way off somewhere after season 9. There were a few gems from like 10-15, but not many.Season 8 is BY FAR the best season. Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted January 1, 2012 Author Share Posted January 1, 2012 On my fourth cup of joe today. Delicious. Coffee is good, it helps reduce my cravings. Usually during football, I would have ate like a whole pizza and a pound of chicken wings, plus some cheese balls and maybe 2L of coke. But now that I have my wonderful Keurig, during football, I just had 4 coffees and nothing to eat. I just ate a couple gold fish this morning on the way to church. It's the Keurig diet yo. Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Tweed & Hickory is closed tomorrow :(I wanted to pick up some k cups tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 I had a real good day contrarian betting and I can't fall asleep because of my Keurig so I am making a lot of dumb future bets. Yes, I realize these likely have no chance but it gives me a reason to watch these teams. Cincinnati Bengals to win the SuperbowlRisk $5 to win $335 (67-1)Minnesota Timberwolves to win the NBA ChampionshipRisk $5 to win $755 (151-1)Anaheim Ducks to win the Stanley CupRisk $5 to win $1255 (251-1)Carolina Hurricanes to win the Stanley CupRisk $5 to win $1755 (351-1)PARLAY SPECIALObama (Democrats) win the US Presidential Election 2012 (1.72-1)+Rolling in the Deep by Adele to Win Grammy Record of the Year 2012 (1.36-1)+Michelle Williams to win Best Actress at the 84th Annual Academy Awards (4-1)+BAKU to win the bid to be the Host City for the Summer Olympics in 2020 (11-1)+Asafa Powell to win the 100M race at the Olympics in 2012 (12-1)+Rickie Fowler to win the Masters 2012 (60-1)=Risk $5 to win $370 529.28 (74105-1)Yes, I realize none of these have a chance. But WTF. It's only $25, that doesn't even get me a headband at lululemon. Miracle one time baby.P.S. I might be getting a part time job at lululemon, just because I want the discount. I'm only going to work like 4 hours a week. If any of you want clothes, I might be able to hook you up. Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted January 2, 2012 Author Share Posted January 2, 2012 Also too, all those bets in my parlay are real. If you have bet365, you can find most of them under specials. Link to post Share on other sites
troyomac 0 Posted January 2, 2012 Share Posted January 2, 2012 Wow, $370 529.28 would buy a lot of lululemon. One time Biatch! Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Wow, $370 529.28 would buy a lot of lululemon. One time Biatch!Ray come visit Ottawa. They have starbucks here and lululemon. I'll make you coffee from my Keurig. Link to post Share on other sites
troyomac 0 Posted January 3, 2012 Share Posted January 3, 2012 Ray come visit Ottawa. They have starbucks here and lululemon. I'll make you coffee from my Keurig.Wish I could, but I'm poor! Maybe fly me out when your parlay comes through, k? Link to post Share on other sites
Ottawa_Biatch 288 Posted January 3, 2012 Author Share Posted January 3, 2012 Wish I could, but I'm poor! Maybe fly me out when your parlay comes through, k?K. I'm stoked. I'll hook you up too with a good Christian girl. Link to post Share on other sites
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