Cracked Appreciation

[Tactical Bear 3]

A while back, JoeyJoJo linked to a Cracked.com article somewhere. I read it, laughed, and felt guilty, because, you see, I had actually purchased an issue of Cracked Magazine in my youth. It was awful. The Cracked.com article, however, was awesome. It was a list! I love lists! How fun!! How silly!!Eventually I realized that Cracked.com bears almost no relation to the defunct magazine, and have been consistently losing hours-long chunks of time since. I recently created a thread in which I hope to call attention to the EpicFail that is Grantland, so I figured I'd balance the negativity by starting a celebratory thread. Here, I hope we can celebrate and discuss awesome Cracked articles. Groundrules:1) If you're calling attention to an article published at Cracked, post the link, the article title, and the name of the author.2) Also, discuss WHY you like the article. Do not just spam links. 3) (to be continued when one of you disappoints me)

[Tactical Bear 3]

5 Important Childhood Archetypes the Movies Overlooked (Robert Brockway, 31) August 2011I identify personally with each one of these. The Alien, the Enemy, and the Psychopath, specifically, flashed me back to childhood intensely. I actually WAS The Enemy in most social groups. I remember the first time I met The Psychopath, saw his collection of knives, and thought: "Oh dear God he uses those to CUT LIVING THINGS." And the Alien, that friend with no television, a weirdly religious mother, and no supervision.Anyway, I could write this list with my friends substituted for Brockway's, and the article would barely skip a beat (except it would be less funny and full of self-indulgent prose).

[CindyLou 11]

I think I can pinpoint the article that made me say, "Yeah, I'm going to check this site everyday."It was this one.The 6 Least Sportsmanlike Moments in MMA History. By Seanbaby.Pretty much pick any article written by Seanbaby and I guarantee that it will make you laugh out loud at some point. He is the master of the simile.Tank Abbott is the kind of guy you'd expect police to find alone in the center of a wrecked biker bar before they called for immediate backup. He looks like the shitty character from every fighting video game who'd somehow reverse-Tron'ed into our world. His face makes it clear that he hates everything that isn't ZZ Top or alcohol poisoning. He bench presses 600 pounds and wore gloves into the Octagon back when you didn't have to. This implied that he knew things about punching skulls that the rest of us didn't. People put on a diaper before they make eye contact with him.In his first UFC fight, Tank's opponent was 400 pound John Matua. John Matua practiced something called Kapu Kuialau, the "Hawaiian art of bone breaking." If you're familiar with the skeletal structure of the Polynesian people, then you know that's fucking crazy. Hawaiian's have such reinforced bones that even their women solve every problem with a headbutt. The automotive industry uses Hawaiian bones to test high-speed impacts because they're cheaper than titanium, and that's why every Ford Escape is haunted. All I'm saying is that on paper, John Matua was looking alright.When the fight started, Tank and John went at each other like six grizzly bears versus a river full of salmon. I figured you'd have to do some weird shit to break Hawaiian bones, but I had no idea it would involve so much slipping and slapping. Fifteen seconds into the two great beasts' graceful dance, Tank grabbed Matua by his T-shirt and hit him with a right hand so hard that train accidents thought their father had finally come back home. It was such a terrible injustice against faces that Bono's orbital bone wrote a song about it.When a person gets knocked out, strange things happen. Sometimes you wake up quickly and have no idea what happened. Sometimes you stay unconscious until the A-Team is done saving everyone in your illegal sweatshop. In John Matua's case, his brain got confused and told every part of his body to go jogging in a different direction. So he hit the ground stiff and twitching. Tank Abbott, with the class one would expect from central casting's idea of a prison movie extra, looked back at the body and mocked his seizure. Mocked his seizure. That's the kind of thing that makes Satan shuffle the papers on his desk and say, "Shit, I don't even think I have a form for that."

[Dubey 1,035]

I think I only read cracked when somebody links me to one of their articles, and I always enjoy them immensely. I should probably add it to my regular rotation

[LongLiveYorke 38]

I think I can pinpoint the article that made me say, "Yeah, I'm going to check this site everyday."It was this one.

Fifteen seconds into the two great beasts' graceful dance, Tank grabbed Matua by his T-shirt and hit him with a right hand so hard that train accidents thought their father had finally come back home. It was such a terrible injustice against faces that Bono's orbital bone wrote a song about it.Ah-mazing

[solderz 0]

[brvheart 1,754]

I think I can pinpoint the article that made me say, "Yeah, I'm going to check this site everyday."It was this one.The 6 Least Sportsmanlike Moments in MMA History. By Seanbaby.Pretty much pick any article written by Seanbaby and I guarantee that it will make you laugh out loud at some point. He is the master of the simile.Tank Abbott is the kind of guy you'd expect police to find alone in the center of a wrecked biker bar before they called for immediate backup. He looks like the shitty character from every fighting video game who'd somehow reverse-Tron'ed into our world. His face makes it clear that he hates everything that isn't ZZ Top or alcohol poisoning. He bench presses 600 pounds and wore gloves into the Octagon back when you didn't have to. This implied that he knew things about punching skulls that the rest of us didn't. People put on a diaper before they make eye contact with him.In his first UFC fight, Tank's opponent was 400 pound John Matua. John Matua practiced something called Kapu Kuialau, the "Hawaiian art of bone breaking." If you're familiar with the skeletal structure of the Polynesian people, then you know that's fucking crazy. Hawaiian's have such reinforced bones that even their women solve every problem with a headbutt. The automotive industry uses Hawaiian bones to test high-speed impacts because they're cheaper than titanium, and that's why every Ford Escape is haunted. All I'm saying is that on paper, John Matua was looking alright.When the fight started, Tank and John went at each other like six grizzly bears versus a river full of salmon. I figured you'd have to do some weird shit to break Hawaiian bones, but I had no idea it would involve so much slipping and slapping. Fifteen seconds into the two great beasts' graceful dance, Tank grabbed Matua by his T-shirt and hit him with a right hand so hard that train accidents thought their father had finally come back home. It was such a terrible injustice against faces that Bono's orbital bone wrote a song about it.When a person gets knocked out, strange things happen. Sometimes you wake up quickly and have no idea what happened. Sometimes you stay unconscious until the A-Team is done saving everyone in your illegal sweatshop. In John Matua's case, his brain got confused and told every part of his body to go jogging in a different direction. So he hit the ground stiff and twitching. Tank Abbott, with the class one would expect from central casting's idea of a prison movie extra, looked back at the body and mocked his seizure. Mocked his seizure. That's the kind of thing that makes Satan shuffle the papers on his desk and say, "Shit, I don't even think I have a form for that."

This really is so great. I, of course, have read the article prior to this, but if you really look through these few short paragraphs, there is a great line like every 3 sentences on average. That's pretty incredible.

[CindyLou 11]

This really is so great. I, of course, have read the article prior to this, but if you really look through these few short paragraphs, there is a great line like every 3 sentences on average. That's pretty incredible.

I know, right? From the same article:Anyway, as you can imagine, if your opponent's Plan A was poking your eyes out and they outlaw that, his backup plan is your balls. And oh my God was Gary Goodridge's backup plan your balls.I laugh at that last line every. single. time.

[ShakeZuma 585]

best thing about cracked is that my fiance writes for them every now and again.

[CindyLou 11]

best thing about cracked is that my fiance writes for them every now and again.

fiancefianceeThe more you know.I found that out in here somewhere.

[ShakeZuma 585]

oh shut the hell up.alternatively:HOW DO YOU KNOW I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT ONE OF THE DUDES HUH

[Tactical Bear 3]

best thing about cracked is that my fiance writes for them every now and again.

I have no reason to believe this, but I can only assume you are talking about Miss Writes Things With Her Hands, Face. If so: back off faggot I will end you.She. Is. Mine.

[CindyLou 11]

Nah, he was talking about one of the dudes.

[ShakeZuma 585]

does shelby write things with her hands and face? I don't know. I was talking about shelby. if you were too there tb, remember, I've got more glocks and tecs than you.

[CindyLou 11]

does shelby write things with her hands and face? I don't know. I was talking about shelby. if you were too there tb, remember, I've got more glocks and tecs than you.

http://thisisnthelpful.tumblr.com/But Wang has access to black people. Plus, he's a hardened criminal now having spent time in prison.Edit: Shake, this one in particular might be of interest to you for two reasons.

[El Guapo 8]

Dude, fuck movies for making it seem ok to stop someone mid-rant with a kiss. If I was yelling at a boy for being a douchebag and he grabbed my face and KISSED me? Oh no. No fucking way. I would be livid. Right? Who does that? That’s not an answer, young adult fiction authors. That is face rape. And if they showed a girl doing that? People would be all “crazy bitch.” People is a real asshole.

[iZuma 764]

so apparently wang and I now have to fight to the death over the rights to shelby's love. BRING IT BITCH

[brvheart 1,754]

so apparently wang and I now have to fight to the death over the rights to shelby's love. BRING IT BITCH

She does have a Google+ account now. And I believe she is a student at USC.

[El Guapo 8]

She does have a Google+ account now. And I believe she is a student at USC.

I’m sitting at something called “New Student Convocation,” which I assume means “boring dumb lame meeting thing.”I also assume dictionary writers are very stupid and bad at descriptions.I’ve been here for an hour already and still have one more to sit through. Im supposed to be getting oriented or enlightened or convocated or something, but all I can think about are the ninja turtles. Or more specifically, the one turtle I can’t think about. I wonder if anyone’s done a study about this, with brain machines and journal entries and everything. Swear to god ask anyone to name the four ninja turtles and they’ll breeze through it until the fateful “Uhh…there’s one more. Vespucci? Medici? Shit I don’t know tell me.” And, no, knowing “Splinter” doesn’t make up for it. There’s just something about four names that really throws me off. Like some sort of weird ingenious marketing strategy that forces you to talk an think about the TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES for much longer than anyone has a right to.Also DONATELLO. It was Donatello. It was always Donatello.

I think we found our in. VB, get on that shit, stat!

[Dread Aidan 8]

Raphael is the one I usually forget. All the others end in "o."

[qyayqi 11]

Raphael is the one I usually forget. All the others end in "o."

liberacci ends in an i.an i? are you SURE??no. i'm not. in fact, i think i meant liberace ends in an e.you're goddamn right it does. and definitely not an o like dead raidan thought. sure, that turtle was considered pretty great on the piano, but he could also do some amazing stuff with an organ. maybe raidan was thinking piano. that ends in an o. too bad it'd be a STOOPID name for a turtle.

[Dread Aidan 8]

dead raidan

Speaking of stupid names...Aidan? It's like someone couldn't decide between Brayden, Caden, Hayden, Jaden, or, um, Raiden, and just thought "fuck those extra letters."

[iZuma 764]

actually aiden is a fairly old celtic name. those other variations are just dumbass white people's way of trying to be more like dumbass black people when it comes to dumbass names

[brvheart 1,754]

Speaking of stupid names...Aidan? It's like someone couldn't decide between Brayden, Caden, Hayden, Jaden, or, um, Raiden, and just thought "fuck those extra letters."

Wait a second. Who is this joke account? Someone pm me.

[El Guapo 8]

Friends of mine named their kid Aiden. I really hate that name, it sounds evil.There kid also looks like stitch.