I Called In Sick Today

[beans-n-icewater 18]

"THIS BASTARD AINT GONNA MAKE IT!"Ignoring Gary as usual, I kept easing the Mercury down I-fifteen at the blinding speed of six miles per hour. With the temperature gauge reading somewhere between two fifty and Chernobyl, I was more concerned with the eighty mile per hour traffic closing in directly behind us than a warped cylinder or two inside the supercharged Corvette LS-7 engine. Our destination was the downtown exit, but after five minutes of watching the Spring Mountain off ramp disappear in the passenger side window, I figured it was about time to recalculate our route..."Im gonna get off at Sahara" "We'll never make it...this thing is toast""Ill jump the curb if I have to once I get pointed east...we gotta get some air flowing thru this radiator""Twenty five grand down the shitter is all this is... fuckin shit" "It'll be ok""Ive heard that shit before"Sure enough, I coaxed the hot rod off fifteen, down Sahara to the strip, and right past ole Stupies joint to the Plazas valet without further damage to the expensive aluminum powerplant. My buddy exited the key shack and greeted me as usual..."Damn, Beans....runnin a little hot this evenin?"(Beans and Gary exuit the suicide doors and step into a puddle of antifreeze)"You aint a shittin.... we're hotter than a nuns ****"(all giggle as keys are exchanged for a ticket while Gary dry heaves in trash can)"Your buddy alright there?""Yah.... just cant wait to get to the tables, thats all""I hope he can hold his liquor running around with the likes of you, thats all I can say"After a quick stop at the mens room, we sashayed around the machines and by the pit to the main entrance onto Fremont, where I once again felt right at home. Gary needed another pack of Marlboros since the thirty minute trek somehow eliminated most of his reserves, so the first stop was at the ABC store for carcinogenics and a quick beer or three for myself. While my compadre argued with the cashier over some oversight on her behalf, I slugged down the liquids outside in front of the newly constructed bar in front of the Golden Gate casino. The two scantly clad young women laying on the bar top kept me company while drawing me a glass of each of the frozen drinks conveniently within their reach. About fifty dollars later, Gary surfaced with yet another story about his miserable life and its numerous shortcomings..."I cant catch a break""What happened?"(Beans keeps eye contact with strippertender)"They didnt have the hundreds...just these short bastards""Just smoke two at a time like Shane""No matter... my chest has been hurting like hell lately....figure its cancer this time for sure""I get the car, right?""Lets gamble before I change my mind""k"After winding through the Vegas Club and across Ogden, we staggered into the California and up the escalator to the pedestrian bridge to Main Street Station. For those of you who recollect my famous ghost photo at the slot machine, this is the point where that historical document was taken. Once down the moving staircase, I landed solidly at the first twenty one table that presented an open seat while Gary parked in front of a video keno machine within eyesight. You see, ole Gary has a mild case of superstition along with the fifty three some odd other phobias in his mental inventory. He refuses to play at table games unless three prerequisites are met...One.... I have to be playing directly to his leftTwo.... I have to be winningThree... I have to signal his entrance to the table by yelling, "GARY GET THE FUCK OVER HERE.... WE'RE GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE!"For the record, I never said any of my friends were normal. I always figured that was a given, anyway. Im going to bypass the details about the giant stack of Triple Seven cups that I saved in my drink holder, the insistence of the pit that I relinquish then for "health reasons", the bargaining in which the brewpub brought out twenty five clean ones for my collection in exchange for said soiled ones, the various medications that Gary inhaled, the two dealers that more than likely tendered their resignations during said gambling binge, and the security guards that now wear something similar to the militarys purple heart medal after our tirade that evening. Only your most vivid drug enhanced imagination could conjour what actually went down that afternoon from around four to eleven oclock. If anyone out there tries and wakes up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night, please pm me me with the details, as I have no earthly idea myself. On second though, just keep it to yourself. I dont really want to know, anywayThe next installment deals with the voyage from Fremont back to Henderson, which readily falls from memory since I clearly remember several moments raising up from the fetal position in the floorboard between stoplights. Since Gary was in the backseat, I also have to assume that I was the driver that evening as well...Since Ive had a few shots of Crown Black and Im three rooms from the nearest television, Id better leave for now to watch my nightly viewing of Magnum pi. I only have seventeen minutes to get therewish me luck

[Shimmering Wang 1]

I agree and did not care in the least. The average on that final was in the high 60s though. I really did not belong in that class. It happens....my super high math SAT score hid the fact that I am turrrrible at higher level math. I have the C+ from Calc I to prove it too.

Sincere, Not Rhetorical Question: Why didn't you end the post after the third sentence? It might seem like I'm picking on you, but I'm not. (I almost certainly will be picking on you once I get your answer, but I'm hoping for a little reasonable discourse before I start whipping my 12-inch internet dick around.) Anybody who I have offered help/assistance/nonsense regarding Fantasy Football: the project has expanded in scope, and I have not yet given up halfway through and decided to just half-ass it. There's probably a 5% chance my efforts result in something exceedingly useful, so fingers crossed!This weekend, I had a series of personal interactions, that, now that I think about the relative frequency of these and other similar interactions, confuses me:- I received a phone call from a girl with whom I'm friendly at 3:30AM. She was starting to panic because her friend disappeared from a club in Detroit. She had just heard about the situation, and was driving down there to help get it figured out. Unsure how to proceed, she called me because she thought I might have some ideas. "Okay. Give me his name and the name of the club. Hang up and and I'll call you in 20 minutes." I eventually helped her track him down.- One day my closest waitress friend from work showed up late, and when I asked her how she was doing, she asked me if I had a few minutes to talk. We went out back and she cried about some stuff for about 15 minutes. She is generally emotionally distant and cynical. We don't spend time together outside of work. - The same day, I happened to accidentally notice another waitress, one whom I barely know at all, crying. I asked her if she was okay, and she told me about what was going on.- The head bartender -- our relationship is much like the one I describe in the second bullet point -- spent about 10 minutes complaining about some work stuff that was stressing her out. She was very, very upset, and by the end I was giving her advice and stuff. - Two waitresses and a random girl I know from the bar asked me for relationship advice. - One million people came to me with gossip, some of which was quite sensitive, such that if I repeated it and attached it to a source, the gossiper would look bad.Why, I wonder, do people who don't really know me that well consider me trustworthy and/or wise? Is it because I'm the only guy in the place wearing a tie, or...?

[beans-n-icewater 18]

Damn...it was another rerunOh well.... heres another paragraph or twoIt was about the time that we landed back at the Plaza that we realized that our chariot for the evening had some sort of overheating problem. I tend to forget small details such as those during times of severe intoxication, so when the valet returned the rod in a plume of Prestone smoke it became clear that some sort of emergency plan be enacted for the safe return home..."Dammit to hell, Beans.... whats wrong with this thing anyway?""Dunno...lets pop the hood"(ten minutes of swaying back and forth)"Looks like its low on water""Alright....uh....they got a hose round here or something?""Yeah, but we probably oughtta get out of here....look at the cops over there"A few minutes later we were at the first convenience south of the Strat buying a gallon of drinking water and a twelve pack of Coronas. With all three of our tanks topped off, I made the command decision to point the nose of the beast straight down the strip, avoiding the interstate and hopefully any interference from the local constables. You see, I have a theory that has served me quite well over the years. I simply take the route offering the most traffic, which not only allows me to blend in with the sober drivers, but also lowers the risk of any unexpected road blocks in the city that I happen to be in at the time. Think about it...when was the last time you saw a DWI checkpoint on a major highway at rush hour? Those things are reserved for the side streets and routes that the drunks take trying to get home the "back way". Keep in mind that since the overwhelming majority of cops fall right into the description of drunks, they know better than anyone where to place such drunk traps. It takes one to know oneSomewhere south of Mandalay Bay, we turned around a few times before realizing that for some reason or another, the city had removed the intersection of LVBD and Windmill LN. For whatever reasons they had to do so, they sure as hell did it quick since it was there earlier in the day. I circled the area a few more times before giving up and taking an alternate route, one that Gary swore the next day that involved a stop at Terribles casino in Searchlight. I cannot say one way or another, but the next morning brought a new mystery to the saga that still cannot be explained to this day..."Hey Beans....wanna get a cup of coffee?""Yeah...lemme jump in the shower first""You win anything last night?""I broke dead even if you can believe that""Really? I thought you went on quite a run at one point""Musta give it all back....I always count my money as soon as I get outta bed and I still had thirty two some odd in my pocket""Hmmm....well, I came out three fifty ahead""Good deal...at least we didnt lose"Thirty minutes later we were back at Terribles gas station pecking at the buttons and quizzing each other for information concerning the night before. After cashing out and getting in the car, Gary reached in the backseat and pulled forward something that amazed both of us...His eyes bulged from their sockets as he handed me a stack of Main Street Station Brew Pub cups containing a large roll of bills that amounted to twenty six hundred and twenty five dollars"What the hell Beans?""I dunno....""But you couldnt have.....""I guess I did""YOU LUCKY SONOFABITCH!" I took a pic for the album once we got home....Ill upload and post in a whileMore to come

[strategy 4]

yeah I get confided in like constantly too I mean so what right shake?

[Shimmering Wang 1]

Maggie texted me all excited to let me know she's pretty sure her boyfriend is going to propose. The extremity of my reaction was

(though I doubt anyone here will be surprised) Tonight: listening to

, resisting the urge to drinkTomorrow: 10AM: Wake up3PM: Get out of bed315PM: Drag a comb acro-... oh fuck it. Who cares.315PM: Commence

415PM: Possible shower5PM: Return to bed, where everything is safe8PM: Scheme830PM: Abandon scheming and play video games instead1030PM: Call a random girl I know always liked me more than I liked her, just so I can make sure she still likes me more than I like her1040PM: Wish I could fall asleep1050PM: Close my eyes, hoping to fall asleep1120PM: Fuck it. Whatever romantic comedy I can find.1205AM: I'm not crying it's just my allergies. When did it get so sad in here?

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

1120PM: Fuck it. Whatever romantic comedy I can find.

17 Again. That movie is good.Somebody brought up prison guards...My best friend's parents were prison guards. My friend's mom tells a story about how a large black inmate cut off his own dick in the shower and handed it to her. So there's that.

[El Guapo 8]

For Wang

[brvheart 1,752]

Legitimate sadness is engulfing me. Sorry buddy.

[strategy 4]

For Wang

what IS IT with you and the blacks

[speedz99 145]

Why, I wonder, do people who don't really know me that well consider me trustworthy and/or wise? Is it because I'm the only guy in the place wearing a tie, or...?

1120PM: Fuck it. Whatever romantic comedy I can find.1205AM: I'm not crying it's just my allergies. When did it get so sad in here?

Maybe because they can just tell that you're a sensitive man.

[CaneBrain 95]

Sincere, Not Rhetorical Question: Why didn't you end the post after the third sentence? It might seem like I'm picking on you, but I'm not. (I almost certainly will be picking on you once I get your answer, but I'm hoping for a little reasonable discourse before I start whipping my 12-inch internet dick around.)

It was 50% for Napa and 50% to make myself feel better about being so bad at math and economics. Being a lawyer is my refuge from math. Hope that helps.Also, I think it is very nice that you give these girls the father figure they clearly lack.Edit: Sucks about Maggie.

[CaneBrain 95]

17 Again. That movie is good.Somebody brought up prison guards...My best friend's parents were prison guards. My friend's mom tells a story about how a large black inmate cut off his own dick in the shower and handed it to her. So there's that.

Sometimes when you leave secret Santa to the last minute bad things happen.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

Is the_mobile_flu theraflu on a phone cause I like it. If not, gfy.

[The mobile flu 0]

Is the_mobile_flu theraflu on a phone cause I like it. If not, gfy.

It certainly is my moderately successful friend

[CaneBrain 95]

It certainly is my moderately successful friend

sounds like something you get from a girl in Alabama.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

Somebody brought up prison guards...My best friend's parents were prison guards. My friend's mom tells a story about how a large black inmate cut off his own dick in the shower and handed it to her. So there's that.

Yeah but, simply going by the numbers, that can only happen so often. I mean, it's sort of a one time per person deal.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

It certainly is my moderately successful friend

If you need somebody to come spill some water or milk in your store and cause a ruckus that would require you to chase me down through said liquid so you can slip and claim workers comp, I'll go to bat for you.

[JoeyJoJo 18]

Maggie texted me all excited to let me know she's pretty sure her boyfriend is going to propose. The extremity of my reaction was

(though I doubt anyone here will be surprised)

I was starting to feel bad, but then I watched the clip and I was ok. Whew.

[ShakeZuma 585]

hey strat, I'm going out to the beach here in a few minutes. bought me a nice boogie board yesterday, so that should be fun. hope you have a good rest of the day yourself.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Maggie texted me all excited to let me know she's pretty sure her boyfriend is going to propose. The extremity of my reaction was

(though I doubt anyone here will be surprised) Tonight: listening to

, resisting the urge to drinkTomorrow: 10AM: Wake up3PM: Get out of bed315PM: Drag a comb acro-... oh fuck it. Who cares.315PM: Commence

415PM: Possible shower5PM: Return to bed, where everything is safe8PM: Scheme830PM: Abandon scheming and play video games instead1030PM: Call a random girl I know always liked me more than I liked her, just so I can make sure she still likes me more than I like her1040PM: Wish I could fall asleep1050PM: Close my eyes, hoping to fall asleep1120PM: Fuck it. Whatever romantic comedy I can find.1205AM: I'm not crying it's just my allergies. When did it get so sad in here?

I thought your favourite song was "Single Ladies (Put a ring on it)"?I'd love to turn you on.Just how many holes does it take to fill the Albert Hall?

[JoeyJoJo 18]

The popularity of the sport for the casual fan depends on the "classic" teams doing well. In Football, there are a handful of teams that need to do well: Raiders...

You're right. I sure hope the Raiders can start winning so the NFL can become popular again.

Yeah cause that was the point I was making....

Sometimes I love the internet.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

My best friend's parents were prison guards. My friend's mom tells a story about how a large black inmate cut off his own dick in the shower and handed it to her. So there's that.

"For me?"

For Wang

I was kind of hoping for Daytona 500 again.

Legitimate sadness is engulfing me. Sorry buddy.

I almost didn't say anything because I was worried it might ruin your day. If it makes you feel better, I told my roommate, and... okay, first: some background.Kissy Face and I met when we were in 3rd grade. I had just moved back to Michigan, and my dad decided to start and coach a travel baseball team. He barely knew anyone, didn't have an assistant coach, and had zero funding from the local parks and rec league, but he held tryouts anyway. KissyFace made the team, and his dad volunteered to help coach. Our fathers became friends, and always coached basketball and baseball together, schedules permitting. We were friendly back then, but he ran in a different social circle, namely, that social circle in which kids whose parents are very permissive run. I moved back to town in 10th grade, and KissyFace was one of the first people I saw. We played sports and had classes together, and we were friendly, but I was First Team All-Dork, and he was one of the cool kids. I was always invited to all his parties, and if I ever saw him out on the town we'd have a drink together, but that was about the extent of our relationship until college. He randomly called my dorm room one day in Ann Arbor, asked if U of M was any fun, and came down for the weekend. We had a riot, and he's been my best friend ever since. Kissy is... an odd human being. We get along so well, I think, because we're both examiners. He's more cynical and pessimistic than I am, but we're both drawn towards philosophy and ethics and discussions of psychological motivations and whatnot. The big difference between us, however, is that I'm fairly adept socially, whereas he's more anxious and awkward. He quickly earns the respect of the people with whom he associates, but he's perceived as quiet, reserved, abstract, and cold. It's the last one that's relevant, here. He is perceptive and empathetic, almost supernaturally so, but he has always found expressions of emotion... contrived. Our friendship works in large part because I understand that he understands, even if he doesn't say it. If he's supposed to be sad or compassionate, I recognize and trust that, even if his face is an impassive mask, he is sad and compassionate. So. End digression.If it makes you feel better, I told my roommate, and he actually started crying a little bit. "Man, I thought you were going to... man."

Maybe because they can just tell that you're a sensitive man.

It's weird, because I keep my "sensitive side" pretty well hidden, most of the time. I'm always making jokes. In fact, if somebody gives me a piece of personal information, it's very likely that I'll use it to make jokes. HOW DO THEY KNOW?

I was starting to feel bad, but then I watched the clip and I was ok. Whew.

Unhappiness is only sufferable if it is properly juxtaposed with absurdity.

Sometimes when you leave secret Santa to the last minute bad things happen.

For a moment, I thought this was somehow related to me.

[speedz99 145]

"For me?"

I'd like to think that her reaction was a solid five seconds of dropped-jaw staring, with him politely waiting for her to say thank you. I feel like that was followed up her the mouth closing, eyes squinting at him a bit, and a deep breath. Followed by, "We should get you to the infirmary."Edit: The "we" was probably drawn out. "Weeeeee should get you to the infirmary..."

Sometimes I love the internet.

Aye, good little back and forth there. Interesting topic though, sort of. I went there just to make a joke, and couldn't help but to respond a bit.

[vbnautilus 48]

When my wife (then girlfriend) decided to move out from the east coast to california to be with me, an old boyfriend of hers (they had broken up several years ago and talked maybe once a year) decided that this was his last shot. He called her up, professed his enduring love, begged her not to go and asked her to marry him. Wang, please humiliate yourself in this way so that we all might enjoy the story. Plus, there's always like a 1% chance it will work.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

When my wife decided to move out from the east coast to california to be with me, an old boyfriend of hers (they had broken up several years ago and talked maybe once a year) decided that this was his last shot. He called her up, professed his enduring love, begged her not to go and asked her to marry him. Wang, please humiliate yourself in this way so that we all might enjoy the story. Plus, there's always like a 1% chance it will work.

No. I will go with my standard "let it all build up inside and then unleash with a flurry of one night stands, Maggie none the wiser." I actually want her to marry this guy, I think.