I Called In Sick Today

[Tactical Bear 3]

Hey! Unnecessary.

I am sure some of you are less ugly than others, but gang-bangs and wife-swaps are disgusting unless the people involved are desirable enough to get paid to appear on film. Nobody here wants to hear about my sexual exploits, except maybe when the story is about me injuring myself or my partner (and even that gets old quickly). Let me be clear. I am not saying the people in the Army thread are any uglier than normal people, or the people here, but rather that it doesn't make a whit of difference, since all but about 2% of people are too ugly to tell stories about being all naked and bendy and shit.

[Nikki_N 17]

I am sure some of you are less ugly than others, but gang-bangs and wife-swaps are disgusting unless the people involved are desirable enough to get paid to appear on film. Nobody here wants to hear about my sexual exploits, except maybe when the story is about me injuring myself or my partner (and even that gets old quickly). Let me be clear. I am not saying the people in the Army thread are any uglier than normal people, or the people here, but rather that it doesn't make a whit of difference, since all but about 2% of people are too ugly to tell stories about being all naked and bendy and shit.

I don't know, I think I'd like to hear about your sexual exploits.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

[loogie 115]

I'm pretty incredible-looking, and if I ever have a sexual exploit again, I'll be sure to post about it.

[Tactical Bear 3]

I don't know, I think I'd like to hear about your sexual exploits.

Man, I sure hope I didn't misinterpret that signal. I'm pretty sure the Eye Contact + Shoulder Touch + "Derek" = sex, but it has been a while since I've really had to do any guesswork on these.So after my first date with Maggie I decided I liked her, and when I came home I couldn't really sleep, so I decided I'd throw some weights around. I don't have much equipment here, so I've been doing curls, some shoulder stuff, and some weird, on-my-bed butterfly things. This afternoon, for some reason, I thought, "I am going to have sex tomorrow," and figured, for some reason, that some hardcore ab work was necessary. I grabbed a 25 pound weight and did 50 second sets of crunches, making sure to keep the muscles tensed the entire time.This was not a good idea. I am going to be in lots of pain tomorrow, as I haven't done a sit-up, no joke, since I was about 19. Things that make sex even worse: when one of the parties is wincing BEFORE the sex-act begins. She's going to be wincing in anticipation already. Disaster looms, my friends. Disaster looms.

The sex was a Wangtastic experience. I hurt two toes on my left foot and my right elbow. She hit her head really hard at one point. We lost at least 20 minutes to due injury.

You can also google "Matthew Lillard's Penis" and you might come up with some more stuff. I dunno, it used to work, but I haven't checked in a while.

[renaedawn 1]

I am sure some of you are less ugly than others, but gang-bangs and wife-swaps are disgusting unless the people involved are desirable enough to get paid to appear on film. Nobody here wants to hear about my sexual exploits, except maybe when the story is about me injuring myself or my partner (and even that gets old quickly). Let me be clear. I am not saying the people in the Army thread are any uglier than normal people, or the people here, but rather that it doesn't make a whit of difference, since all but about 2% of people are too ugly to tell stories about being all naked and bendy and shit.

If that were true then explain Ron Jeremy. On second thought, don't since I'm not likely to read it anyway.

[Sickinfo2 291]

I guess she just picked up on the sexiness

Did she curl her nose up and mumble?Thats how I can tell

Friend: it's fucking 11:00, who's still sleeping at 11:00 on a Friday?Speedz: Do you not know me?

hahaha

No kidding. Like these guys are Abercrombie models or something. I think Abercrombie models look like fags.

What kind of man models for a cookie company?Ah....fagsIve been invited to a neighborhood fireworks display/cookout this evening. Before you question why the new family that moved in dont know me yetI have two coolers parked and idling in the truck and two buckets of double strength margarita mix in the freezer....Ill snap a few pics unless there is doubt about self incrimination

[Tactical Bear 3]

If that were true then explain Ron Jeremy. On second thought, don't since I'm not likely to read it anyway.

The patriarchal nature of pornography. Furthermore: the misguided notion that pornography would be more appealing to men if hot chicks were getting blasted by ugly dudes.

[vbnautilus 48]

Today I was walking on the boardwalk and remembered that beans recently posted this pic: To show how bizarre this was for me, I took this pic from the opposite angle, revealing the former living quarters of this particular grover. Was a great place to live aside from the loud bar next door and the cokehead child-molester-defense-lawyer landlord.

[Sal Paradise 57]

Since I've had nothing funny to add for a while now I was going to selectively repost exact posts of yours and not respond to anything else. I planned on doing this for years, if not months. Turns out I don't have the patience needed to pull of a grand scheme like this. Grand scheme it was indeed.

oh ok yeah I was wondering what the hell was going on there. well I guess flattery is the sincerest form of HEY TAKE OFF MY PANTS

I love waking up to a jaw-dropping post. And right after this exchange:Speedz: Dude, what the fuck? Who calls a friend and wakes them up to talk about nothing?Friend: How do you know I have nothing to talk about? And it's fucking 11:00, who's still sleeping at 11:00 on a Friday?Speedz: Do you not know me?Friend: Well anyway, I have chlamydia.Speedz: Again?

two thumbs up

No kidding. Like these guys are Abercrombie models or something. I think Abercrombie models look like fags.

uh, hello? just because I was canoeing all day doesn't mean I'm not still here and one of the guys. and yes, I was canoeing without a shirt and YES I do have pictures.

Was a great place to live aside from the loud bar next door and the cokehead child-molester-defense-lawyer landlord.

oh so I guess I need to move to california then.

[Nikki_N 17]

oh ok yeah I was wondering what the hell was going on there. well I guess flattery is the sincerest form of HEY TAKE OFF MY PANTStwo thumbs upuh, hello? just because I was canoeing all day doesn't mean I'm not still here and one of the guys. and yes, I was canoeing without a shirt and YES I do have pictures. oh so I guess I need to move to california then.

I'd ask to see the pictures, but it would make Wang uncomfortable.

[Sal Paradise 57]

I'd ask to see the pictures, but it would make Wang uncomfortable.

oh don't worry, the pictures will be posted, and they will be glorious. it'll probably have to be after I take a shower though (and I'll probably fall asleep in the shower, so it may be tomorrow morning).

[speedz99 145]

Dawson, your idea to just repost other people's material was golden and should definitely be done by someone with some time on their hands.

No kidding. Like these guys are Abercrombie models or something.

Hey. Unnecessary.

all but about 2% of people are too ugly to tell stories about being all naked and bendy and shit.

Truer words have never been spoker.

Ive been invited to a neighborhood fireworks display/cookout this evening. Before you question why the new family that moved in dont know me yetI have two coolers parked and idling in the truck and two buckets of double strength margarita mix in the freezer....

This will be glorious, of that I have no doubt.

yes, I was canoeing without a shirt and YES I do have pictures.

This will be glorious, of that I have no doubt.

[strategy's_touch 0]

enjoying a nice rainy summer evening. I have my brother's airport express hooked up to my parents speakers and have django spinning. seems to play flawlessly and the interface with the iPod is nice and convenient. I'm hearing that the blackhawks might have royally fucked up and accidentally let a bunch of kids who were restricted FAs hit the open market. could mean a lot of talent leaving or extremely inflated contracts to keep them. maybe the biggest front office mistake in a long time if it's true.

[loogie 115]

"Roger and Dave will....A) Record & perform on ukulele all 185 original compositions by The Beatles with 185 guest artists.Bee) Write essays to coincide with each release.C) Make available for download one new recording and essay every Tuesday for 185 weeks, beginning January 20, 2009 (Inauguration Day) and climaxing July 31, 2012 (The eve of the London Olympics)."23 down. This blue writing is the link.I just dl'd what's available so far, and it's good. Very good. Enjoy.

[Sal Paradise 57]

I'm hearing that the blackhawks might have royally fucked up and accidentally let a bunch of kids who were restricted FAs hit the open market. could mean a lot of talent leaving or extremely inflated contracts to keep them. maybe the biggest front office mistake in a long time if it's true.

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

[strategy's_touch 0]

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

I also lost $35 in a 25c blind NL game. FML.

[CardWarfare 4]

I also lost $35 in a 25c blind NL game. FML.

I lost $500 in a 50c blind NL game once. Suck on that one. Only took me a few hours too. Wasn't even drunk...well, not very drunk.

[strategy's_touch 0]

I lost $500 in a 50c blind NL game once. Suck on that one. Only took me a few hours too. Wasn't even drunk...well, not very drunk.

idk what I'm supposed to suck on, but I like your honesty. my brother got it in with top two vs. my broadway and got there on the turn. great main event practice, getting the muscles ready to lay beatings on unsuspecting faggots like me.

[jeff_536 3]

Matt's football team made the championship game...tomorrow at 9 a.m.He's quite excited. When I was in Vegas he had his best game of the year, a pick, a strip and a fumble recovery.Go Redskins.

[jeff_536 3]

I hate stupid baseball announcers.A two-run HR that makes the score 6-3 does NOT cut the lead in half. Angel announcer is an idiot.

[El Guapo 8]

I took my kids to the Rodeo tonight. I have never been to a rodeo before, and honestly I was not really looking forward to it. It was more for my son and the fireworks, but I am glad I went it was actually a lot of fun.It was Sal Paradise heaven. 16-19 year olds running around in 3 inch shorts and cowboy boots. MILF's trying to be extra cougarish. I think there was an unannounced chest off, because it was cleavage night in NorCal. The best was this 5 foot chick who was built like a an hour glass but a tad on the chunky side. She had on some Be Be sweat pants, and they so intimately associated with her pooper her butt only read B e.Pretty crazy to watch guys tackle cows. That was interesting to see live. One guy almost got gutted by a bull, so I almost had a really good time. Beers were only 5 bucks for 16OZ, but they were plastic bottle Coors, so I only had half a dozen or so. I hate country music, with a passion, and I was fully anticipating listening to Toby Keith all day. That was not the case, they were playing everything, and not much country at all. Hell one guy rode while Justin Timberlake was blasting.EDIT: I have Rose grammar in this post, but it will be too hard to fix and re-type, so deal with it.

[Sal Paradise 57]

EDIT: I have Rose grammar in this post, but it will be too hard to fix and re-type, so deal with it.

yes you do; it was pretty difficult to read actually.

16-19 year olds running around in 3 inch shorts and cowboy boots.

but this was all you really needed anyways. thank you.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Apparently I have forgotten how to play poker. In the span of about an hour, I:1) Check/shoved for 70 big blinds with a flush draw against a loose-passive player. There were like 30 big blinds in the pot when I moved in. I would have received a free-card a good portion of the time, and if I made my hand on the turn, he would have played all-in by the river with anything remotely connected to the board.2) Managed to win the absolute minimum with top set vs. top two when both of us were pretty deep. With KK on a flop of KhQh2c, I led out for 5bb in a heads up pot, and the most passive player in the world, sitting with about 250 big blinds, minraised me. I 3-bet to 25ish BB. 3h on the turn, and I lead out for 25ish bb. He calls quickly, and on the Jx river, I shoot another 25bb. There is almost a zero percent chance he has a draw on that flop. There is absolutely zero chance the jack on the river promoted his hand past mine. His most likely holdings after the flop raise are, in order, KQ, 33, K3, Q3. When he calls my raise and calls the turn, he certainly has KQ or 33. My river bet might have been the absolute worst play I've ever made. I would have been better off moving in for 240 more big blinds after he raises me on the flop. Seriously. Leaving him with considerably more than half his stack left after he calls the river is just soooo bad.3) Stacked off with Kd9d on a board of 7d7sTd 3d. In a limped pot, the flop got checked around. SB bets 5bb, solid player calls, I raise to 13bb. The original bettor, who is tilted, insta-shoves for a total of 50bb. Solid player calls AGAIN. I MOVE IN (??) for an additional 50bb. I have no idea why I didn't instamuck this hand, let alone make a suicide-raise, against a solid player whose range is something like 3's Full+, and maybe AdXd or QdXd, when he calls a bet, then calls a raise/3-bet shove with a raiser still behind him. When I made the first raise, I remember thinking, "If the good player gets the money in, I have an easy fold here." Of course I did the exact opposite. My play was so bad that the solid player took about 2 minutes before calling and saying, "Man, I have no idea how I can be ahead here" and tabling 33. My line was so bad that it almost worked as a bluff... I need to either stay retired from poker, or play 20 hours a month so I don't have to deal with this crap.

[CaneBrain 95]

No kidding. Like these guys are Abercrombie models or something. I think Abercrombie models look like fags.

because most of them are? I guess it shows where my priorities are when I read the Army trip reports. I find the sex stuff amusing (and your openness refreshing) but I dont understand how you guys can go to vegas for a week and eat Subway all the time. You're in Vegas! No chain food! Aaahhhhhh!!!! I am such a jew.to quote Weeds: "how are all Jews not morbidly obese? everything revolves around food"