I Called In Sick Today

[Napa Lite 3,278]

And I just hit the "full version" button so now I have to clear cookies and reenter passwords. You're not the only one with problems, Shake.

[ShakeZuma 585]

praying for you napa

 

 

 

on my fifth poop of the day. not really sure what's going on here. haven't eaten all that much lately so it's extra confusing.

 

 

also, think I've got my costume completely nailed down now. sewed up my fake gut this morning (cut out pillow with elastic straps sewn on) and ordered a pair of green havainias flip flops. they were expensive but apparently the only green flip flops available on the entire internet in october. justified the $18 for flip flops by noting that they'll replace another brown pair that I have that are on their last legs. gotta tell you I'll be tickled pink to finally get rid of this god damn mustache. I don't remember it being this annoying last time I grew one.

 

 

seriously, no idea when I ate all this food.

[brvheart 1,752]

Hey Brvy...can you tell me if your buddy Jason is being serious or not with his fb post? Does he know that 2 Chainz is a rapper and that its very much a joke? Except the part about new "trapped in the closet" episodes being announced. This is super important.

 

He's not being serious.

[The Ocho 970]

I pulled a brvheart today and didn't shit in public. Well, I guess I half pulled one, because I finally stopped at a convenience store/restaurant on the way home and used their facilities, but still I held it for like a good 8 hours. Not really sure how I did that. Every shitter I went into was just disgusting.

 

So I was thinking about something, if mr. mrs. brvheart went out for a Sunday breakfast and he got up to wash his hands and she followed him into the bathroom and tried to give him head. That would be like the worst thing ever for him, right? Head, in the morning, in a bathroom, on a Sunday. He'd probably have to drink like 18 long island ice teas just to get through the rest of the day with a slight buzz.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

So I was thinking about something, if mr. mrs. brvheart went out for a Sunday breakfast and he got up to wash his hands and she followed him into the bathroom and tried to give him head. That would be like the worst thing ever for him, right? Head, in the morning, in a bathroom, on a Sunday. He'd probably have to drink like 18 long island ice teas just to get through the rest of the day with a slight buzz.

It would be better if it was their waitress.

[Tiltinagain 973]

Thismis actually a pretty good point. And think of my bandwidth potential.

 

To Thera's comment, a better response would've been "No. Strat isn't black."

 

Tilty: you may not want to say "speaks Mexican" anymore. Just a friendly tip. That traffic seems awful. That's 3 out of 24 hours in a car. That's a quality of life issue. That's wasted time. Sucks. I've done an hour and a half commute before, both ways combine and then moved jobs to 30 min round trip and it was a noticeable difference. Huge. I hope those 3 hours are factored into compensation. If you're working 10 hours a day with a 3 hour commute, man, that would speed up a burnout for my lazy ass.

 

Spanish? Should I have said they speak spanish? When I typed that I hoped no one would be offended because that wasn't my intent. So if you were I appologize.

 

The drive right now is worse that it will be when I find a place to rent. I'm staying with family right now so I just have to deal with it for the time being. The area I'm looking at to rent would be about 45 minutes each way so that's not quite as bad. Plus Monday is an office day which means I can work from home since it's just conference calls, reporting and other admin. nonsense so I'll only be commuting into L.A 4 days a week after this next week.

[Iphonenkinder 558]

I'm back, after a trip to the Midwest, visiting friends and family. The items of interest:

 

I stayed with friends, who have dogs. One of the dogs was recovering from minor surgery. They were worried the dog wasn't pooping enough. They said dog should poop three times a day. That seems like a lot to me?

 

After friends time, I stayed with mom and stepdad. Yes, I drank with them, and enjoyed myself, but was careful not to drink too much. It was still great though, and everyone should be able to drink with their parents.

 

I'm at a Peaches show, waiting for the first act to finish, hoping for more with the second. Am i still the person who can go to a show by herself?There are tons of butch lesbians, some broken down trannies, and fag hags. I'm assuming the trucker hat hipsters will arrive right before Peaches goes on.

 

 

Work is not pleasant, I'm applying for jobs, and trying to network. If anyone remembers, that lunch I was supposed to have got cancelled the morning of. Since then, it's been emails back and forth, and a lot of nothing. Maybe that's what a job search is? A stream of humiliation until the goal, which will sour and disappoint.

[ShakeZuma 585]

so basically the same thing as life in general huh.

 

 

so met a girl tonight. real cute, short curly haired girl. currently going through a divorce, abusive husband, restraining order (already violated once), two kids, no job. this chick is promising.

 

 

work bitch texted me tonight too at like 12:30 in the morning asking me if I was coming to the party her friend invited me to next friday. like really? what the fuck? won't have a drink with me but drunk texts me asking me to come to a party in a week. god damn I hate her.

 

and all women really.

 

 

 

not you though fraut. you seem nice.

[YonYonson 156]

you didn't respond right? tell me you beat her to the ignore.

[ShakeZuma 585]

jesus christ suited you know damn good and well I responded. I'm a terrible faggot. I said "yes of course I love you sweetums!"

 

 

well no, but I did respond. said something like "I don't know, do you want me to?" and she responded "yeah dude!" fuck my god damn ear.

[ShakeZuma 585]

I ought to go, walk in, punch her in the face, and yell out "I'm going as Ike Turner!"

[YonYonson 156]

yeah that's pretty much what i would have done. the response not the punch.

[ShakeZuma 585]

we should probably turn gay and bang each other then cause otherwise we're both definitely dying alone

[YonYonson 156]

if only it were that easy. i'd go gay in a heartbeat. but i live for the vag, and i know you do to.

 

tonight was my friends birthday. went to his apartment that he lives at with his girlfriend. we played apples to apples and drank a few beers. just three dudes and one lady. it was uber gay, but kind of fun. i destroyed them all at apples to apples. it was a slaughtering.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

jesus christ suited you know damn good and well I responded. I'm a terrible faggot. I said "yes of course I love you sweetums!"

 

 

well no, but I did respond. said something like "I don't know, do you want me to?" and she responded "yeah dude! fuck my god damn ear."

FYP.

 

you're so money, and you don't even know it.

 

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

I pulled a brvheart today and didn't shit in public. Well, I guess I half pulled one, because I finally stopped at a convenience store/restaurant on the way home and used their facilities, but still I held it for like a good 8 hours. Not really sure how I did that. Every shitter I went into was just disgusting.

 

So I was thinking about something, if mr. mrs. brvheart went out for a Sunday breakfast and he got up to wash his hands and she followed him into the bathroom and tried to give him head. That would be like the worst thing ever for him, right? Head, in the morning, in a bathroom, on a Sunday. He'd probably have to drink like 18 long island ice teas just to get through the rest of the day with a slight buzz.

 

It could only get worse if the wife admitted she was atheist, and pregnant again.

 

 

 

Spanish? Should I have said they speak spanish? When I typed that I hoped no one would be offended because that wasn't my intent. So if you were I appologize.

 

 

Do you have brain damage? C'mon man, nobody but shake gets offended around here, and what would I care, I'm not Mexican. I'm just tossing it out there so you don't say it in public. Just an FYI for the others, Asian people are called Asian, not oriental. Items are oriental, people are not.

 

I'm back, after a trip to the Midwest, visiting friends and family. The items of interest:

 

I stayed with friends, who have dogs. One of the dogs was recovering from minor surgery. They were worried the dog wasn't pooping enough. They said dog should poop three times a day. That seems like a lot to me?

 

I'm at a Peaches show, waiting for the first act to finish, hoping for more with the second. Am i still the person who can go to a show by herself?There are tons of butch lesbians, some broken down trannies, and fag hags. I'm assuming the trucker hat hipsters will arrive right before Peaches goes on.

.

 

Dog pooping. It seems to be right in the zone. They go a lot.

 

Peaches show? Dd she break up with Herb?

 

so basically the same thing as life in general huh.

 

 

so met a girl tonight. real cute, short curly haired girl. currently going through a divorce, abusive husband, restraining order (already violated once), two kids, no job. this chick is promising.

 

 

work bitch texted me tonight too at like 12:30 in the morning asking me if I was coming to the party her friend invited me to next friday. like really? what the fuck? won't have a drink with me but drunk texts me asking me to come to a party in a week. god damn I hate her.

 

 

Wow, this girl is even confusing me. I'm dumbfounded here. She's odd. And I know you're excited when she texts you because it means she was thinking about you mi get it, I've been there. But on the other hand, you ain't banging any girl that call you "dude" because its a total friend zone move. (I used to tell this pretty cute girl that called me dude this all the time. She said she called everyone dude. I said "you"ll never bang me if you call me dude." We eventually banged.

 

Back to you: no clue about this girl.

 

i live for the vag, and i know you do to.

 

Huh? I don't think this is even remotely accurate.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

Shake, you need to have this chick introduce you to some girl (or guy?) friend of hers at the party.

 

 

And at least you didn't say something like "definitely! I even already got my costume an everything and you're going to love it and I love you!"

[ShakeZuma 585]

But on the other hand, you ain't banging any girl that call you "dude" because its a total friend zone move.

 

exaaactly. I wanted to text back "'dude'? god damnit."

 

but you ain't kiddin' about this girl being weird. because yeah, she was definitely out drinking with her friends, and why does she think about me when she's out drinking with her friends if I'm just a buddy, but then the whole "dude" thing, the not wanting to hang out any other time, the never flirting, the... jesus man I can't handle this much crazy. I need to stick to trailer trash divorcees that's for sure.

 

but then there's the party. big decision there. I wasn't going to go because I knew it would be too weird, plus she hadn't even really mentioned it to me herself but the one time, and since I only wanted to go because of her and she was putting up blocks like LT. but now there's the drunk text about it so I might just give it a shot, especially since my costume would be much better appreciated there than the other party I'm going to the next night (shut up ron mexico). of course I just realized this morning when I woke up that the damn thing is like 40 minutes away, there's no way I'll be able to stay there or the girl's house, and it's halloween weekend meaning there'll be fuzz all over the roads. no WAY I'll survive that party sober so what the hell you know?

[Theraflu 1,035]

You could think of it as a mini-vacation. Stay in the car, a nice roof over your head.

[iTommyGavin81 288]

Call me start for the non-sequitur. So my ex wife is apparently a lesbian now and is gonna be moving in with her girlfriend this winter. Messing me up even more. I hate women. I no longer communicate with the 2 women I dated because one was not my type at all the other was awesome but the ex has me so jacked up emotionally I know I'm just gonna mess it up so its easier just to stop hanging out with her.

 

Going to the bar with a friend and his wife today and a couple girls they know. One is a chubby blond who the wife has already done the leg work for me telling me its a done deal for some post bar dilly dallying. I need the slump buster so ill probably comply.

 

This girl is bad news shake. I don't trust her but if you can bang it's all worth it. I don't see that happening though unless all her other options at the party fall through so there's always that.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

You could think of it as a mini-vacation. Stay in the car, a nice roof over your head.

So good.

[ShakeZuma 585]

well I didn't find it funny at all

 

 

 

 

yeah t-dizzle, I know it's a bad idea all around. zero chance I'll be banging her that night so my only real move is to do like napa said and bang some other broad there. of course that may prove difficult as I'll be dressed up as carl, and he's, you know, not attractive. WHATEVER.

 

sorry about your penis that turns women into lesbians.

[YonYonson 156]

Huh? I don't think this is even remotely accurate.

 

[YonYonson 156]

Going to the bar with a friend and his wife today and a couple girls they know. One is a chubby blond who the wife has already done the leg work for me telling me its a done deal for some post bar dilly dallying. I need the slump buster so ill probably comply.

 

[frautotenkinder 1,025]

Wow, this girl is even confusing me. I'm dumbfounded here. She's odd. And I know you're excited when she texts you because it means she was thinking about you mi get it, I've been there. But on the other hand, you ain't banging any girl that call you "dude" because its a total friend zone move. (I used to tell this pretty cute girl that called me dude this all the time. She said she called everyone dude. I said "you"ll never bang me if you call me dude." We eventually banged.

 

My general theory: she got a little drinky, and has nawty thoughts about Mr. Zuma. Maybe his reputation as a bumpkin cuckold is making the rounds? At any rate, a tipsy text from a lady with a boyfriend to her work crush says she likes to think about banging around. I don't know if she'll do it though.

 

but then there's the party. big decision there. I wasn't going to go because I knew it would be too weird, plus she hadn't even really mentioned it to me herself but the one time, and since I only wanted to go because of her and she was putting up blocks like LT. but now there's the drunk text about it so I might just give it a shot, especially since my costume would be much better appreciated there than the other party I'm going to the next night (shut up ron mexico). of course I just realized this morning when I woke up that the damn thing is like 40 minutes away, there's no way I'll be able to stay there or the girl's house, and it's halloween weekend meaning there'll be fuzz all over the roads. no WAY I'll survive that party sober so what the hell you know?

 

Go to the party, and go late. Maybe around midnight. Do not drink. Your best case scenario is her seeing you, and her wanting to see more of you, which she'll have to follow up on. If you're drinky, you lose the upper hand because of all of your feelings. Stay at least an hour, but no longer than 90 minutes. If you've got a crush on this girl, and want to get with her, it's not going to happen at this party, in front of boyfriend and all of their mutual friends. You'll go, look awesome (?) and then split.

 

Call me start for the non-sequitur. So my ex wife is apparently a lesbian now and is gonna be moving in with her girlfriend this winter. Messing me up even more. I hate women. I no longer communicate with the 2 women I dated because one was not my type at all the other was awesome but the ex has me so jacked up emotionally I know I'm just gonna mess it up so its easier just to stop hanging out with her.

 

Was this news to you? Did she have ladyfeelings while you were married?