I Called In Sick Today

[Roll the Bones 74]

I am working on it. The last time I saw her, I sneaked out of her apartment before 6 in the morning like a thief in the night. She didn't come to work Thursday, but she should be there tonight. I'll see what I can do, but I doubt I'll have much luck. I've only got a crappy kamera-phone, so if I want to get a picture, I'll need her to pose for it. Given how annoyed she is with me, that's unlikely.I have a bad feeling she'll end up as a "6" on the attractiveness scale no matter what I do. (sigh) I'll try to find another one on the internet somewhere.

Um, I still want to see better pictures of her rack.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Oh man, I just tracked down a current picture of HQ, and... oh, the humanity. It looks like somebody injected her with a cocktail that's 25% Christina Ricci DNA, 25% Criss Angel DNA, and 50% pure testosterone. I don't know how science works, but you get the picture. (Actually, you do not, under any circumstances, get the picture.)

[vbnautilus 48]

This really makes me wonder if there is some forum somewhere where my picture has been slapped on a trading card with statistics that compare me to the other guys in some girl's life. I mean, there isn't, but it's pretty fun to imagine what it would be like to discover such a thing.

[speedz99 145]

More of the complete bullshit narrative that "things were just so much better in the old days".

I do believe that kids were less awful when their parents and teachers were allowed to beat them.

"An Australian publisher has had to pulp and reprint a cook-book after one recipe listed "salt and freshly ground black people" instead of black pepper."

Awesome.

Senior Prom. I kind of wanted to edit 17 year old Wang out of the picture, but I'm too lazy and stupid. Get your chuckles now, faggots.

I hate to be the one to say it (as always), but that's pretty much what you look like now, so I hope you're not too upset about how you look in that picture.

That is pretty cool, even though its a cat.

I knew there had to be some glaring flaw in your personality...I forgot that this is it.

HQ is way hot in the first picture (curly hair, on bed), but less-so in the second. It really doesn't even look like the same girl, but the first picture is like a 1/3 angle so that probably explains why (as well as the different hairstyles, obviously).

2 in taste for this guy.

Look, it's a russian woman who's a 6 on the Attractiveness scale.

Look, it's an ex-stripper who's a 6 on the Attractiveness scale.

I have a bad feeling she'll end up as a "6" on the attractiveness scale no matter what I do.

I'm no expert, but that may be because SHE'S A SIX.

[Roll the Bones 74]

This really makes me wonder if there is some forum somewhere where my picture has been slapped on a trading card with statistics that compare me to the other guys in some girl's life. I mean, there isn't, but it's pretty fun to imagine what it would be like to discover such a thing.

All I know is i've been giddy and laughing inside all day the whole thought of it.

[Tactical Bear 3]

This really makes me wonder if there is some forum somewhere where my picture has been slapped on a trading card with statistics that compare me to the other guys in some girl's life. I mean, there isn't, but it's pretty fun to imagine what it would be like to discover such a thing.

I read this post, spaced out for 30 seconds, and then took a xanax.

I hate to be the one to say it (as always), but that's pretty much what you look like now, so I hope you're not too upset about how you look in that picture.2 in taste for this guy.Look, it's a russian woman who's a 6 on the Attractiveness scale.Look, it's an ex-stripper who's a 6 on the Attractiveness scale.I'm no expert, but that may be because SHE'S A SIX.

My thoughts, in the order in which they occurred:1) I hate you.2) I hate myself.3) #%*(@$!4) Wakefield is objectively correct about this. Whenever HQ encountered emotional turbulence, she would switch from curly to straight, or straight to curly. Every single time we got in a fight or had some kind of issue, the next time I saw her, like fucking clockwork, her hair would be different. She was going to meet some of my friends on a Saturday night, once, so I picked a fight with her on the preceding Tuesday because I wanted her to curl her hair. It actually worked. Anyway, she looked really good the night that picture was taken my roommate's bed. Later that night, I hooked up with her on said bed in front of (a) the bed's owner [i had the top bunk in a triple in West Quad] (B) my current best friend and roommate, KissyFace [a nickname given to him by, wait for it, Homecoming Queen herself; she gave me the nickname "derkel"] © a girl I would later date for a few weeks. 5) I seriously hate you so much. Kayla is hot as fuck, and everybody thinks so, and the only people I can tell that I was/am sleeping with her is you guys, and you all (understandably, I should say) think she's kinda scraggly. You have no idea how frustrating this is. 6) Say what you will about me, but I've shared more inappropriate, embarrassing personal stuff than anybody on here, and it's not even close. 7) I think I just hate that I'm so young/chubby in that picture at prom. I also hate that I'm trying -- and failing -- to smile.8) Xaaaaanax is nice.

All I know is i've been giddy and laughing inside all day the whole thought of it.

1) I hate you2) I hate myself...etc.

[Southern Buddhist 1]

I'm coming in about 8,000 pages late for this discussion, but am I the only one who thinks kinkiness should be a factor? It sucks to find someone who is deeply kinky when you're not, or deeply vanilla when you're not. [Edit: it goes way beyond what "sexual openness" was defined as.]For brv: I applied to Harvard, but nope. Taylor, though, has a gigantic reputation, so I will get the masters with him and try Harvard, UToronto, Penn, or even Oxford for the PhD.

[Tactical Bear 3]

I'm coming in about 8,000 pages late for this discussion, but am I the only one who thinks kinkiness should be a factor? It sucks to find someone who is deeply kinky when you're not, or deeply vanilla when you're not.For brv: I applied to Harvard, but nope. Taylor, though, has a gigantic reputation, so I will get the masters with him and try Harvard, UToronto, Penn, or even Oxford for the PhD.

That is covered under the Sexual Openness score. BMG was the subject of much discussion around here when I first started seeing her, which is why her "10" in sexual openness is the only such score on any card in any category. "I'm sorry, but, no: no matter how many times you ask, I will not choke you."

[speedz99 145]

4) Wakefield is objectively correct about this.

You mean, subjectively?

5) I seriously hate you so much. Kayla is hot as fuck, and everybody thinks so, and the only people I can tell that I was/am sleeping with her is you guys, and you all (understandably, I should say) think she's kinda scraggly. You have no idea how frustrating this is.

A large part of my personality seems to be intense amusement...joy, really...whenever a friend of mine is miserable. Not "death in the family" miserable, but you get the idea. That's why I can't stop smiling about the above post.

6) Say what you will about me, but

Why...would I say anything bad about you?

For brv: I applied to Harvard, but nope. Taylor, though, has a gigantic reputation, so I will get the masters with him and try Harvard, UToronto, Penn, or even Oxford for the PhD.

Are we playing, "Which one of these does not belong?"

That is covered under the Sexual Openness score. BMG was the subject of much discussion around here when I first started seeing her, which is why her "10" in sexual openness is the only such score on any card in any category. "I'm sorry, but, no: no matter how many times you ask, I will not choke you."

Pretty sure SB thinks that choking is child's play and was referring to the kind of kink that we're not even comfortable discussing.Edit: What I'm saying is that she's probably been play-raped more often than anyone we've ever encountered aside from Niki (maybe).

[Southern Buddhist 1]

Are we playing, "Which one of these does not belong?"

All have outstanding Shakespeare scholars on faculty. I applied not for the school, but for the individual scholar, which is why I'm going to FSU at all. [Taylor was one of the youngest people and one of the first Americans ever asked to edit the Oxford edition of Shakespeare's complete works, and when he was offered a teaching job, he got automatic tenure before ever setting foot on campus. That's the kind of career I want to emulate.]

Pretty sure SB thinks that choking is child's play and was referring to the kind of kink that we're not even comfortable discussing.Edit: What I'm saying is that she's probably been play-raped more often than anyone we've ever encountered aside from Niki (maybe).

I wouldn't say that, but I seem to be a kink magnet. Once in college, a guy that was in one of my classes (but who was otherwise a total and complete stranger -- I didn't even know his name) took the liberty of informing me that his longtime fantasy was to be anally raped by a redheaded woman with a strap-on. Didn't happen -- in fact, I think I went home and got drunk. But I don't mind such an awe-inspiring internet rep as you've just given me.

[strategy 4]

Once in college, a guy that was in one of my classes (but who was otherwise a total and complete stranger -- I didn't even know his name) took the liberty of informing me that his longtime fantasy was to be anally raped by a redheaded woman with a strap-on.

we say this a lot around here, but really, what is wrong with people?

[speedz99 145]

when he was offered a teaching job, he got automatic tenure before ever setting foot on campus.

That, my friends, is professor baddassery.

Once in college, a guy that was in one of my classes (but who was otherwise a total and complete stranger -- I didn't even know his name) took the liberty of informing me that his longtime fantasy was to be anally raped by a redheaded woman with a strap-on. Didn't happen -- in fact, I think I went home and got drunk.

Is this SB's "I missed an opportunity to get laid" story?

we say this a lot around here, but really, what is wrong with people?

Many, many things. But I'm not one to talk...at 8:30 on a saturday night I'm sitting alone in my apartment, learning about the differences between the penises of multiple domestic animals. Hey, you guys know which animal has a pre-scrotal sigmoid flexure? The pig! The pig, by the way, ejaculates 250mL at a time, I kid you not.

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

The last time I saw her, I sneaked out of her apartment before 6 in the morning like a thief in the night.

Separate Entirely.I went skydiving today. I was a little disappointed that our pilot wasn't drinking a Corona.

[El Guapo 8]

I pre-apologize for the shift in discussion.My brother is 30, he has owned 2 homes in his life. The first one he never lived in, he fixed it up and sold it to buy his current home, which is an 1150 sqft half of a duplex. He only moved into this home last year. Prior to that he lived at my parents, besides a brief period of time (6 months of so) he house sat for a home that was empty because the woman who owned it was widowed, moved and did not want to sell it.3 years ago for Christmas, my Mom surprised my brother with a Rhodesian Ridgeback for Christmas (he still lived at home then). He has never taken care of this dog, he moved out and it's still at my parents. It's the most untrained dog I have ever seen.Today I gave my brother my old bed, so we hauled it from my Parents to his house. I have not seen the house since he originally purchased it because until recently there were always renters in it. So he was showing me around, and I see this thing on the ground that looks like a turd. I ask "what the hell is that?" and upon closer inspection, it's dog bone. So I say, "Oh you have had Lex (his dog) over recently?"He responds, no, that's my new dog....So here he does not take his dog to his house, yet has a new dog. I am a little confused. I know my mother is attached to the other dog, and his yard is small, but still...that's when he tells me, this dog was going to be euthanized if he did not take it. It was a work acquaintance who got the dog, and a month later was going to kill it because he could not keep it. So, I guess it makes sense that he has this dog.So he has had the dog for a month, his name is Carlton, he is 5 months old, half terrier (pit bull) and half jack russell. This dog is awesome.We have been waiting 7 FUCKING months on a house we are trying to buy, so I mentioned to my brother that if we get the house maybe we will take this dog off his hands, since he seemed to have taken him reluctantly. My kids really want a dog, and this dog is exactly the kind I would want. Not too small, not too big and a friendly/playful personality.At first he says sure, then he says, "well, we'll talk about it". Basically, I need help (assuming we get the goddamn house) in stealing this dog from my brother. I wish I had had my phone, I would have some snapped a couple pictures.

[speedz99 145]

Jack Russel/Pitbull scares me because you have small children. Obviously it always depends on the dog, but the JR can be a bit impatient with kids and bitey (but it doesn't matter because they're small), and, well, pitbulls are pitbulls and have the power to turn annoying bitey into dangerous bitey. I'm sure as soon as I see the picture I'll say to commence stealing, but I thought I should throw this out there. Again, if this dog is mellow and proves to be good with the kids, it wouldn't surprise me, but I feel like I have to say these things since I've got a bit of an inside look, so to speak.

[vbnautilus 48]

my Mom surprised my brother with a Rhodesian Ridgeback for Christmas

Surprising someone with a pet gift. How can that ever be a good idea?

[speedz99 145]

Surprising someone with a pet gift. How can that ever be a good idea?

In very, very specific situations. I'm guessing Guapo's mother was trying to get his brother to act responsibly for once in his life by putting a dog's life in his hands. Of course, that kind of thing rarely works for a guy who's still living at home in his 30's because he knows mom will always pick up his slack.You know when it is a good idea? When you get a kitten or two for your wife. You know why? Because kittens are the cutest thing ever, and if you just trust me you'll be extremely happy that you did, because cats are awesome...you just don't realize it yet. Not that I expect you to trust me on this one.

[vbnautilus 48]

In very, very specific situations. I'm guessing Guapo's mother was trying to get his brother to act responsibly for once in his life by putting a dog's life in his hands. Of course, that kind of thing rarely works for a guy who's still living at home in his 30's because he knows mom will always pick up his slack.You know when it is a good idea? When you get a kitten or two for your wife. You know why? Because kittens are the cutest thing ever, and if you just trust me you'll be extremely happy that you did, because cats are awesome...you just don't realize it yet. Not that I expect you to trust me on this one.

My wife came with two cats. It was basically her only flaw. We gave them away this year. Two dogs and two cats in an apartment our size was just untenable, and with a baby on the way she finally came around. One of them was actually a nice dude, but the other one -- she was just really intent on ruining our lives, like a typical cat. It was only a matter of time before one of us was forced to leave, and my neocortical surface area was three times greater than hers so I out-schemed her.When my wife and I were first dating and id hang out at her apartment in boston, i remember hearing that thing scurrying around in the night. It really brought out a primal instinct in me: catch that thing and eat it, my body told me.

[Quacktastic 106]

Surprising someone with a pet gift. How can that ever be a good idea?

we say this a lot around here, but really, what is wrong with people?

[speedz99 145]

My wife came with two cats. It was basically her only flaw. We gave them away this year. Two dogs and two cats in an apartment our size was just untenable, and with a baby on the way she finally came around. One of them was actually a nice dude, but the other one -- she was just really intent on ruining our lives, like a typical cat. It was only a matter of time before one of us was forced to leave, and my neocortical surface area was three times greater than hers so I out-schemed her.

Why does the bad one have to be a typical cat? The typical cat is a nice companion. Also, the atypical, jerky cat, it also a lot of fun to have around in my opinion...you don't find the false sense of superiority and vindictiveness to be amusing? I'm surprised.

When my wife and I were first dating and id hang out at her apartment in boston, i remember hearing that thing scurrying around in the night. It really brought out a primal instinct in me: catch that thing and eat it, my body told me.

Typical jew*, has no problem eating pussy.*I know, you're not really jewish. I'm not either by any reasonable measure. Just go with it.

[vbnautilus 48]

Why does the bad one have to be a typical cat? The typical cat is a nice companion. Also, the atypical, jerky cat, it also a lot of fun to have around in my opinion...you don't find the false sense of superiority and vindictiveness to be amusing? I'm surprised.

I think one smug know-it-all per household is enough, and I've got it covered.

Typical jew*, has no problem eating pussy.*I know, you're not really jewish. I'm not either by any reasonable measure. Just go with it.

Is that even a real Jewish stereotype? I never heard that one.

[speedz99 145]

I think one smug know-it-all per household is enough, and I've got it covered.

I never knew you were so...shit, what's the word. I've really started pushing everyday conversational English out of my head to make room for the thousands of new terms I've had to learn this year. Uh...self conscious! Wait, no. Uh...nope, it's not coming. You know, worries about losing your position in the household.

Is that even a real Jewish stereotype? I never heard that one.

I think I've seen it on a few mafia-based movies and/or tv shows, so it's at least a steriotype that italians have about jews.

[El Guapo 8]

Surprising someone with a pet gift. How can that ever be a good idea?

In very, very specific situations. I'm guessing Guapo's mother was trying to get his brother to act responsibly for once in his life by putting a dog's life in his hands. Of course, that kind of thing rarely works for a guy who's still living at home in his 30's because he knows mom will always pick up his slack.

Well speedz has it part right. We used to have Ridgeback.German Sheppard mix that was my "brothers" dog and he always wanted a pure bred Ridgeback, but of course did zero research on them, and they are about the most annoying dogs in the world. So it wasn't a total shock my mom did that, but pretty much we all wish she hadn't.He was still in his 20's then. Not that that is really any better.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Insecure

[speedz99 145]

Well, now I am.