I Called In Sick Today

[ShakeZuma 585]

Please stop yelling...and tell the bird outside my window to shut the fuck up. Gremlin is tonight, and no I'm not going to fuck her. 0.0001% chance.

I'm sorry, I'll quiet down next time. I thought you were eating sushi with the gremlin? was that somebody else? I'm so confused. and why are you up now anyways?

[speedz99 145]

I'm sorry, I'll quiet down next time. I thought you were eating sushi with the gremlin? was that somebody else? I'm so confused. and why are you up now anyways?

Oh, and I officially made plans to get sushi with the Gremlin for sushi tomorrow night.

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

Please stop yelling...and tell the bird outside my window to shut the fuck up. Gremlin is tonight, and no I'm not going to fuck her. 0.0001% chance.

I *read this as .0001% chance that you are not going to fuck her. Awesome.Phonetically, this should be "reed" not "red".

[speedz99 145]

I *read this as .0001% chance that you are not going to fuck her.

[JSHamm 9]

I have no advice for speedz except to ask yourself, what would herman Clint do, and then take her, SHE'S YOURS!!!.

fyp

[speedz99 145]

fyp

Does the dude in your avatar get the armbar in? I can't tell if you have it up there because it's a sweet move or because it's a funny failure.

[JSHamm 9]

Does the dude in your avatar get the armbar in? I can't tell if you have it up there because it's a sweet move or because it's a funny failure.

oh yes and brilliantly. charges the guy and pulls off one spectactulary flying armbar. the guy in blue taps immediately

[MisterB 2]

"Just because we're playin tonsil hockey doesn't mean you can score a goal in my jockey"Awesome.And before I give it, Matty1time, would you like some serious advice in how to handle the situation when meeting the new girl. (emphasis on serious)

[speedz99 145]

And before I give it, Matty1time, would you like some serious advice in how to handle the situation when meeting the new girl. (emphasis on serious)

Hmm. That's an interesting question.Oh my god...I just turned on the tv and it's on a saved by the bell reunion. They're showing clips of when they were in high school. I remember when they looked so old, now they look like kids. I think I'm going to be sick. Emotionally.Anyways, I guess advice couldn't hurt. Don't waste too much of your time putting together a long thesis on how to play it though. In the end I'll just be myself. She lives over an hour away from me, so I'm not about to play too many games with a girl that would be such a hassle to date. Anyways, there's no guarantee I'd be into her either.edit: Sometimes I hate the way I write. I use too many commas, say "also" and "anyways" way too often, and in general I've been having trouble spitting out sentences that make sense. Kind of like this one. I mean the last one. Well, now it's the third to last one.

[SBriand 4]

Call him.

[MisterB 2]

Hmm. That's an interesting question.Oh my god...I just turned on the tv and it's on a saved by the bell reunion. They're showing clips of when they were in high school. I remember when they looked so old, now they look like kids. I think I'm going to be sick. Emotionally.Anyways, I guess advice couldn't hurt. Don't waste too much of your time putting together a long thesis on how to play it though. In the end I'll just be myself. She lives over an hour away from me, so I'm not about to play too many games with a girl that would be such a hassle to date. Anyways, there's no guarantee I'd be into her either.edit: Sometimes I hate the way I write. I use too many commas, say "also" and "anyways" way too often, and in general I've been having trouble spitting out sentences that make sense. Kind of like this one. I mean the last one. Well, now it's the third to last one.

Oh, she lives an hour away? Damn, yeah not so much. I would just say that you need to let the conversation handle itself. You're a sociable guy, and the people who know you love you, so let's just hope she's not an Anti-Semite. Furthermore, it is very disconcerting to me for you to think that she's too hot for you. No one is too hot for you, remember that. Attractive women are attracted to men with confidence and who don't treat them like a bar of platinum. I think you need to get it in your head that it's probably not going to work, if so, it probably will.

[strategy 4]

Oh, she lives an hour away? Damn, yeah not so much. I would just say that you need to let the conversation handle itself. You're a sociable guy, and the people who know you love you, so let's just hope she's not an Anti-Semite. Furthermore, it is very discerning to me for you to think that she's too hot for you. No one is too hot for you, remember that. Attractive women are attracted to men with confidence and who don't treat them like a bar of platinum. I think you need to get it in your head that it's probably not going to work, if so, it probably will.

dis·cern·ing Function: adjective Date: 1589: showing insight and understanding : discriminating <a discerning critic> dis·con·certPronunciation: \ˌdis-kən-ˈsərt\ Function: transitive verb Etymology: obsolete French disconcerter, alteration of Middle French desconcerter, from des- dis- + concerter to concertDate: 16871 : to throw into confusion 2 : to disturb the composure ofI like the advice though.

[MisterB 2]

Thanks cupcake. Edit complete. I think I messed it up because my processor was jabbing in my ear about her life tilt she has going on right now and used that word. Why can't I post in peace at work?

[speedz99 145]

Furthermore, it is very disconcerting to me for you to think that she's too hot for you. No one is too hot for you, remember that. Attractive women are attracted to men with confidence and who don't treat them like a bar of platinum. I think you need to get it in your head that it's probably not going to work, if so, it probably will.

I'm just being honest here...she's too hot for me. That doesn't mean I'll treat her any differently though. Two of my four (at least semi-serious) relationships have been with girls that were a few notches above me on the looks scale, so I'm used to it.I wouldn't have even brought this up if I wasn't wasted last night. It's really not that big a deal, she's just some girl who some other girl thinks would be a good match for me. She also got out of a long term relationship 6-7 months ago and hasn't dated since. And at one point she wanted to be a vet. Keep in mind the fact that I wouldn't even give it a shot with her unless she was near perfect, so it's not too likely.I think we should just focus on dinner with Gremlin tonight. I'm excited to find out if she's still hearing voices.

[SBriand 4]

So the guy who thought I was scamming him with the electric bill issue called apologizing profusely and asked if he could move in now since he realized what a tool he was being earlier this week. I should make him wash my car.

[Jeepster80125 0]

So the guy who thought I was scamming him with the electric bill issue called apologizing profusely and asked if he could move in now since he realized what a tool he was being earlier this week. I should make him wash my car.

The question is, "People who annoy you."12 College Classes We Wish Our Schools Had Offered http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/84661. The Horror Film in Context (Bowdoin)With Halloween approaching, you will probably soon discover my love of scary movies – especially bad ones (Chopping Mall, anyone?) That’s why I wish Bowdoin’s course “The Horror Film in Context” was offered as a graduate class at Iowa State. It’s not about the psyche of Freddy and Jason, however – students taking the class can expect to discuss why society is infatuated with horror movies and death in general.2. Simpsons and Philosophy (Cal-Berkeley)I’m sure my husband is considering enrolling at the University of California at Berkeley as we speak, just to take “Simpsons and Philosophy.” You’ll need to know more than Simpsons trivia – the class takes an in-depth look at how the long-running cartoon depicts social issues such as racism and politics. Passing the class, which includes writing a 22-minute show for the final exam, earns students two credits.3. Maple Syrup – The Real Thing (Alfred)Chances are you probably don’t spend too much brain power pondering maple syrup, besides wondering whether it’s most delicious on French toast or pancakes. Alfred University in New York is changing that for all students who take the course “Maple Syrup – The Real Thing.” It covers every aspect of the sweet breakfast topping, from production to products to, yes, recipes.4. The Science of Harry Potter (Frostburg State)Another course near and dear to my heart is “The Science of Harry Potter,” offered at Frostburg State University in Maryland. This class combines the fantastical with the physical by asking if some of the seemingly impossible things in the popular series could actually be plausible. Think about it: if there is a possibility that an invisibility cloak or a flying broomstick could actually exist, wouldn’t you want to know?5. Oprah Winfrey – The Tycoon (U. of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign)Oprah is conquering the world. The talk show, the book club, the magazine… and now, history class? The University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign offered “History 298: Oprah Winfrey – the Tycoon” in its class schedule several years ago. Like many of the other courses on this list, the class was more than meets the eye. Although it appears to be about the famous talk show queen, the class uses Oprah’s cultural rise to study race, class and gender issues.6. Far Side Entomology (Oregon State)I took an entomology class during my undergrad and found it much more interesting than I thought I would. Imagine how enthralled I would have been with Oregon State’s “Far Side Entomology,” which used Gary Larson’s Far Side cartoons to study insects. Larson’s tactic of giving his insects human qualities make them more relatable, which in turn gave students research ideas and questions they may have not otherwise thought of. Before you commence transfer proceedings, know that this class is no longer offered.7. History of Electronic Dance Music (UCLA)Do you still love C+C Music Factory? Get pumped to Deee-Lite’s “Groove is in the Heart” while driving? Then the UCLA’s “History of Electronic Dance Music” would probably be a cakewalk for you. According to the syllabus, “Class lectures will deal with the historical narratives told about the music, musical form and technique in dance music, the political and cultural implications of the relentless hedonism of the dance floor, the influence of chemicals and technology on music production and consumption, and the aesthetic possibilities and pitfalls when popular music is no longer synonymous with popular song.”8. The Future is Lost: TV Series as Cultural Phenomenon (Tufts)Next February is a very important month. Why, you ask? Because it’s when Lost returns. If, like me, you’re desperately jonesing for a Lost fix NOW, go ahead and enroll at Tufts University, the home of a 13-week Lost seminar. Be prepared to talk about more than Jack’s propensity for crying and Sawyer’s offensive nicknames for the other Lostaways, though. Topics include thematic complexity, mechanical complexity, literary references and philosophies. The course culminates with students pitching an idea for a television series to the rest of their classmates.9. Goldberg’s Canon: Makin’ Whoopi (Bates)If you’re excited about Whoopi Goldberg’s The View debut, it’s too bad you missed out on Bates College’s “Goldberg’s Canon: Makin’ Whoopi,” the only course anywhere (that I could find) dedicated to the former Caryn Johnson. As far as I can tell, the last time the class was offered was the 2003-04 school year, so anyone wanting to discuss her “controversial persona as an antagonistic public figure” (so says the syllabus) is out of luck for now.10. Muppet Magic: Jim Henson’s Art (UC-Santa Cruz)For some reason, I feel like the ratio of mental_floss readers who grew up watching and learning from Sesame Street is probably high. Thus, by my theory, most of us would be thrilled to count Theater Arts 80L, “Muppet Magic: Jim Henson’s Art” at the University of California Santa Cruz as part of our course load. The class studies how Muppets have changed television, film and art since Jim Henson created them.11. Getting Dressed (Princeton)Seriously, some days getting dressed takes a lot more effort than it should. Enter Princeton’s “Getting Dressed” class, a freshmen-only course that lets students discuss controversial topics such as jeans, baseball caps, tattoos, flip-flops and Chuck Taylors. It’s more complicated than just figuring out what to wear in the morning, though. The class discussed how people use fashion to do everything from study history to assess character. Although it doesn’t appear that the class is offered any longer, Princeton does offer other interesting-sounding freshmen seminars, including “Google and Ye Shall Find?” and “Good to be Shifty: American Swindlers.”12. Biblical Model for Home and Family (Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary)A real controversy exists around the “Biblical Model for Home and Family” course at the Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. The class, for females only, teaches cooking, sewing, and says that wives should submit graciously to their husbands. OK, what I said at the beginning of this article was wrong: I’d much rather sit through “Research Methods and Theory” than learn how to “submit graciously.”

[CardWarfare 4]

6) Take your small piece of paper towel that you procured in step 2, and wipe the jelly off of the knife.

I'm being 100% honest when I tell you that I read through steps 3-5 in suspense, thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED THE SMALL PIECES OF PAPER TOWEL FOR SHAKEZUMA?!?"

Unless we're preparing this sandwich in somebody else's house, there's no reason we should have the look in expected or likely storage locations. If so, there should be a step 3a) which reads: "locate foodstuffs."Wang

I thought the same thing.-Cardstopper24

Since I've been watching Troy like 5 times in the past 2 or 3 days because that's how I watch movies.

This is also what I do-Gookfucker24

I *read this as .0001% chance that you are not going to fuck her. Awesome.Phonetically, this should be "reed" not "red".

I like this.Niggerstomper24.

[JSHamm 9]

dumb college course

How did I know before reading this that my alma mater would make it on the list.

[ShakeZuma 585]

I'm being 100% honest when I tell you that I read through steps 3-5 in suspense, thinking, "WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED THE SMALL PIECES OF PAPER TOWEL FOR SHAKEZUMA?!?"

then it was all worth it.you know, I just realized. I would much rather be somewhere drinking beer than being at work. just came to me.

[zimmer4141 0]

Let's all kill ourselves. ME first.

If it's any consolation my life's goin great.

[ShakeZuma 585]

If it's any consolation my life's goin great.

ok now this is just getting ridiculous. who the hell has zimmer's password?

[JoeyJoJo 18]

I would much rather be somewhere drinking beer than being at work.

youtubeThis might've been the wrong time to use this link.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

I'll be able to figure it out for myself, but at the moment I'm mostly drunk so I figured I'd throw it out there anyway just for shits and or giggles. Oh, and I officially made plans to get sushi with the Gremlin for sushi tomorrow night. I'll be very disappointed if she doesn't give me something good to pass along to you guys.

In a further expansion of this thread's growing influence on my real life, I've decided I'm going on with Jess tonight, too. It'll be like Speedz and I are on a kind of fucked up double date with some fucked up cartoon bitches.

And just how many abortions has this wisdom cost you?

1.5

Are you sure you don't mean 1.6? One white baby and one black baby?

edit: Sometimes I hate the way I write. I use too many commas, say "also" and "anyways" way too often, and in general I've been having trouble spitting out sentences that make sense. Kind of like this one. I mean the last one. Well, now it's the third to last one.

I have also been having this problem lately, but only here. My goal for the weekend: trim it down a bit.Wang

[zimmer4141 0]

I guess I'll throw together a little mini-trip report from last night. I'll introduce the characters.Zimmer- Me (or as you guys all think somebody now posing as me)Alex- My roommate, very cool guyAdam- Our friend, another cool guy from the house, kinda geeky and pretty shy as well.Dana- Alex's girlfriendKim- Dana's friend, my date for the evening, much hotter than I expected, legitimate 7 (so like a 9.5 at Michigan)Hannah- Adam's date, also Dana's friend, huge tits, very loud and kind of annoyingSo they come over to our house, we pregame a little bit, watch Jeopardy (which obviously shows off my awesome knowledge of useless trivia +1 wisdom). We get on the bus, everybody's starting to get drunk. Get to the barndance, kinda stand around awkwardly for a little while making small talk as people start to arrive. Kim is fairly shy, so I was kinda controlling the conversation which is good. They finally get music playing, we awkwardly dance for a while, go on a hilarious hayride which involved 2 of my friends dropping their pants for reasons unbeknownst to me, and a senior and a freshman (both girls) making out. I'm kinda drunk, my date is fairly drunk. Long story short, we get closer, make out on the dance floor and whole bus ride home. We get off the bus, I invite her inside when Hannah approaches and basically says "Come on Kim, let's go home." You could see that Kim was a little pissed, then reluctantly goes home with her. I offer to walk them home (about a 10 minute walk or so) and they decline, I get Kim's number and the night ends. Alex and Dana go back to my room and I'm left to go get more drunk and hang out with the 10 other people that weren't passed out yet or getting action until I can return to my room and pass out.Overall I'd say the night was a positive for me, I was confident around a girl that I would consider hotter than a girl I could reasonably expect to get with, and managed at least to get somewhere with it. I'll probably call her up Saturday night and see if she wants to go out somewhere, hopefully this could lead to good things.

[zimmer4141 0]

Are you sure you don't mean 1.6? One white baby and one black baby?

Apparently Wang still refuses to recognize the 14th amendment 150+ years after it was ratified.