I Called In Sick Today

[Timdog1010 0]

At the very least, change your posts per page to 40, so we don't get this randomly in the middle of a page.

#1 - I think I'm already set to 40 per page.#2 - I'll stop soon. I just want to get the word out this morning, as people are arriving...

[Bizzle 0]

Wow. I just browsed general and the top threads were-- Mushu's myspace page- An actual useful posted about pokerxfactor, with quite possibly the worst post ever to punctuate it- Some donkey staying awake for 48 hours- Some donkey talking about playing high- Some DWI donkey talking about being drunk- Some Matusow post that quickly degenerated into a penis swining contest between DWI donkey and someone else

[Habs Fan 0]

At the very least, change your posts per page to 40, so we don't get this randomly in the middle of a page.

Hey Bizzle, it's Shake's day, so put on your party hat and your happy face big guy, ok?

[Timdog1010 0]

Hey Bizzle, it's Shake's day, so put on your party hat and your happy face big guy, ok?

Yeah, who pissed in your Cheerios?j/k

[Bizzle 0]

Yeah, who pissed in your Cheerios?

I missed, ok?!?:sad because I can't aim face:

Hey Bizzle, it's Shake's day, so put on your party hat and your happy face big guy, ok?

Yeah, I have no freaking clue why I am grumpy this morning. The bosses are gone for a good 2-3 hours, and I have no work to do, so I should be loving life/napping right now.I apologize Shakey, I look forward to moving to whatever country you establish.

[Habs Fan 0]

I missed, ok?!?:sad because I can't aim face:Yeah, I have no freaking clue why I am grumpy this morning. The bosses are gone for a good 2-3 hours, and I have no work to do, so I should be loving life/napping right now.I apologize Shakey, I look forward to moving to whatever country you establish.

That's my boy!Now turn that frown upside down!It's a celebration bitchings!!!

[ShakeZuma 585]

ok ok, everybody just coooooll outcool outCOOL OUT!!I'LL SMACK YOU IN THE MOUTH, I'M NEIL DIAMOND!!

[dms26 3]

Wow. I just browsed general and the top threads were-- Mushu's myspace page- An actual useful posted about pokerxfactor, with quite possibly the worst post ever to punctuate it- Some donkey staying awake for 48 hours- Some donkey talking about playing high- Some DWI donkey talking about being drunk- Some Matusow post that quickly degenerated into a penis swining contest between DWI donkey and someone else

just do yourself a favor and forget that forum exists

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

i just really super laughed the hardest today after that

That was gold. I can't quit you either.So you guys like stories about getting or not getting poon during H.S. or College. Here’s one for you.In HS, I was one of the “cool” kids. My name and picture was in the paper a lot for All County football team and getting a scholarship and going undefeated and all that crap, but I was a lineman, so I wasn’t pulling the quality of chicks that the QB and running backs were. I was friends with all the hotties, but couldn’t pull em. For some reason back then, I had standards. Basically, I was a virgin coming out of HS. So I go to college at an all black I-AA school in Missiissippi. I get there, win a starting spot at left tackle, kind of stick out on campus a little. One day after the afternoon practice, (we practiced twice a day, after classes and at night) my dorm phone is ringing. It’s some girl calling me telling me she’s seen me around and that she’d like to meet me. Great right? We talk a couple of time, I ask her to describe me, just to be sure she’s got the right guy. She did. The white guy. How stupid am I? Anyway, I ask around some of my teammates and one dated her last year. He’s cool, tells me to get some head. They tell me about 5 miles off of campus, there is an old Plantation landmark with slave quarters and all for tourists to drive by and see, but it was usually empty. Great again. Anyway, after practice on day, I pick her up in my 1979 shit_ brown Pinto. Yes a Pinto, with no shocks, that spilled boiling radiator water on your ankles when you made a turn. Also, my roommate and I were both three bills. (not the girl, my roommate. he wasn't on the date) What a visual huh? So I pick her up and take here there. Forget the fact that a white guy was about to take a black girt to a place where slaves used to be owned by whites, screw it, I want some head.So we get there start making out, I cut right to the chase b/c I have practice, I’m finger bangin’ etc, and I decide to take it out. She tugs on it and I suggest some head. She tells me she doesn’t do that. I figured this was a good time to tell her that I talked to her ex and he say she does. Smooth huh? She relents and gives me some toothy head for 5 minutes. Mind you I made her come already. After 5 minutes, she stops for some reason. I explain I need to get mine (no bag) so I proceed to jerk it in front of her until I finish. Get back in the car, drive her back, show up to practice 45 minutes late with Vag juice on my hands (I was a a center and long snapper as well) and a big smile. My teammates and position coach were laughing, but the head coach decided I needed to run a bit. She got mad when the whole football team knew and I never got any from her again.Live and learn. And that is the story of my first real sexual experience. Sorry for the length.

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

ok ok, everybody just coooooll outcool outCOOL OUT!!I'LL SMACK YOU IN THE MOUTH, I'M NEIL DIAMOND!!

Because it's as funny as an animate skeleton:Neil: Hello, everyone. They told me before I came on this show, that I was supposed to tell the stories behind my most popular songs, and then play them. I said, "Cool let's do it!" But, Gary over here was a little shy..Gary the Bass Player: Now, come on, Neil, give me a break, man.Neil: Ah, ha ha ha ha! This first song.. [ Kenny the Keyboard Player intros "Sweet Caroline", crowd applauds ] Thank you. That, of course, "Sweet Caroline". I wrote that song after a big show at the Forum. Gary and I had been drinking pretty heavily, and we were driving..Gary: [ worried ] Oh, I can't believe you're gonna tell this story..Neil: Ha ha ha ha ha! Yeah, well, we were driving down this dark road, and I hit a kid. [ the crowd is stunned ] So, we got out, and sure enough he was dead. So, we just took off. Pretty fast. And, two hours later, I wrote "Sweet Caroline". Sweet Caroline. Good times never seemed so good. Thank you.[ crowd struggles to applaud, still stunned by the story ]Neil: It gets crazy on the road, and awful lonely. That's why I love pornography. This next song is all about my love of hardcore, barely-legal pornography. Gary knows what I'm talking about.Gary: Yeaaahhh, he likes that really weird porno you can't send through the mail. I'll be honest. It ain't cool, it creeps out the whole band.Neil: Well, my bizarre, insatiable, and downright dangerous sexual habits led me to write this song. [ Kenny intros "Cracklin' Rosie" ] Oh, Cracklin' Rose, get on board. We're gonna ride 'til there ain't no more to go. We're takin' it slow. Let's all do the best we can. And I can turn invincible if I really try-y hard! [ crowd barely applauds ] Uh, I can't quite remember how that one goes. I-I gotta admit, I'm a little high. Kenny over here gave me some dynamite pills.Kenny the Keyboard Player: Hey, come on, man..Neil: Hey! Cool out! Just everyone cool out. COOL OUT!! [ pause ] This next song, you all might like. Few people know that I am fueled creatively by my massive hatred of immigrants. [ Kenny intros "America" ] Gary and I have gone on for hours about how much we hate foreignors. Right, Gary?Gary: Leave me out of this, man.Neil: NO, I WILL LEAVE YOU IN!! [ back to story ] Well, my love of this great and beautiful nation, and my hatred of all people with dark skin, led me to write this. On the boats and on the trains. They're coming to America. Never looking back again. Just do the best you can! You hate your keyboard player because he's black! Never had the courage to tell him sooo--AAUUGGHH!! AAUUGGH!! OW!!Kenny: Hey, man, you're a wreck!Neil: Ow! Come on.. I think I tore some stitches. Come on, Gary, help me out..Gary: No, that's enough, Neil, man, you gotta chill out.Neil: I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Neil Diamond!Kenny: Okay, that's it, I'm gone. That's it. [ Kenny and members of the crowd exit ]Neil: Wait! This next song, I wrote after I killed a drifter to get an erection. [ more members of the crowd exit ] Forever in blue jeans.. Where you goin'? Do the best you can. Reach for the stars like a champion. John Elway finally won--AAUUGGHH!! I put clown make-up on my penis, blue jeans. AAUUGGHH, AAUUGHH!!Gary: Neil, Neil.. Come on, it's over. Let's go, buddy.Neil: Ow! My heart! My, my ***! My heart and *** hurt. [ Gary pulls Neil off the stage, fade to title ]Announcer: [ Music Outro: "I Am..I Said" ] This has been VH-1 Storytellers, with Neil Diamond

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

Long story that explains a lot

Very nice addition. So you were a white guy at an all black college??Ron Mexico knows no boundries. When do you join the LPGA?

[keith crime 8]

Live and learn. And that is the story of my first real sexual experience. Sorry for the length.

Ah there's nothing like the first time you force yourself upon a chick using her reputation against her and make her watch as you spark a load to her disgust heartwarming

[Whiskey16 1]

WOW...miss a little miss a lot!!!Since nobody else entered...here is my last entry to the Bizzle Caption Contest.

Can I enter a caption?"Thank you, Sir. Can you use a third finger?"

[Whiskey16 1]

Very nice addition. So you were a white guy at an all black college??Ron Mexico knows no boundries. When do you join the LPGA?

He can't really swing a club around his boobs.

[Habs Fan 0]

Whoa..please tell me this is not an everyday saying for you! I'm not sure if i should laugh or cry.

You're shitting me, right?I mean I know I make fun with the gay jokes and stuff but do I really look like Richard ****ing Simmons?

[Royal_Tour 0]

Very nice addition. So you were a white guy at an all black college??Ron Mexico knows no boundries. When do you join the LPGA?

LOL.. nhalright thanks for th hernia advice, if i die i'm goin to hate you all.also, Bizz-dizzle, i'l bumb the shittings in a bit, u want the 30+3 at 1pm??can someone give me the edited version on Ron's story, looked long. and i'm lazy and slow and have a hernia

[Timdog1010 0]

I NOW DECLARE TODAY TO BE SHAKEZUMA DAY IN THIS THREAD!

Ok, last time. (don't wanna get Bizzle all riled up again.)It's Shake's day. recognize.

Basically, I was a virgin coming out of HS.

Welcome Ron. You're one of us, now.

Very nice addition. So you were a white guy at an all black college??

You have to be a Tripod to pull this off. Or Italian.

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

Very nice addition. So you were a white guy at an all black college??Ron Mexico knows no boundries. When do you join the LPGA?

Yep. First game in Shreveport, LA against Grambling in front of 35,000 poeple in the Independence Bowl, me, some of the vendors, and I think a politcal figure where the only white people there.I've been on BET over 4 times. How bout you punks?

[keith crime 8]

LOL.. nhalright thanks for th hernia advice, if i die i'm goin to hate you all.also, Bizz-dizzle, i'l bumb the shittings in a bit, u want the 30+3 at 1pm??can someone give me the edited version on Ron's story, looked long. and i'm lazy and slow and have a hernia

ron couldn't get blown by campus hoo-er yanks it in front of her out of frustration - footballl coach makes him run for smelling like fish

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

LOL.. nhalright thanks for th hernia advice, if i die i'm goin to hate you all.also, Bizz-dizzle, i'l bumb the shittings in a bit, u want the 30+3 at 1pm??can someone give me the edited version on Ron's story, looked long. and i'm lazy and slow and have a hernia

It's worth it... take your time and savor the story.Is there a vote for this barrage thing? Link me if there is a pole...err poll I should go to.

[Bizzle 0]

also, Bizz-dizzle, i'l bumb the shittings in a bit, u want the 30+3 at 1pm??

Fine by me.

Is there a vote for this barrage thing? Link me if there is a pole...err poll I should go to.

Nah, no pole. Thread is in general, we are playing a tourney Sunday on FCP.

[Habs Fan 0]

u want the 30+3 at 1pm??

I took the afternoon off in honor of SHAKEDAY. I'll be your huckleberry.

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

Ah there's nothing like the first time you force yourself upon a chick using her reputation against her and make her watch as you spark a load to her disgust heartwarming

Very nice:laughing at the funny comment face:

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

Yep. First game in Shreveport, LA against Grambling in front of 35,000 poeple in the Independence Bowl, me, some of the vendors, and I think a politcal figure where the only white people there.I've been on BET over 4 times. How bout you punks?

Are you bragging? I haven't even watched BET 4 times. I don't even know if my cable company offers it anymore.

[Habs Fan 0]

Hey..slow down there Potsy! I still love you!

Awww....I love you too boobiekins!