Hey Mom/dad ... Want To Watch This Dvd About My 5th Grade Class?

[Suited_Up 2]

Is this the couch in question?

If only.

[mase_gotsem 0]

Also: congrats on being tremendously unfunny. Just... I mean, it's not even mildly humorous, and there's all sorts of mistakes and shit... For fuck's sake, you misspelled embarrassing. It's not as if it was one of the common, understandable misspellings, like maybe only having one "b" or one "s" (though, now that I take a second look, you did leave out an "s"); no, you went ahead and spelled it with an extra "i." Nice.There's random capital letters just chilling in the middle of sentences. What is that? Is that the joke? That the person writing the email is an idiot? If so: nice job. You really sold it. And you're seriously an idiot.

guess the sarcasm in the spelling was missed, also half your shit is unfunny also post under your real acount or gtfo.

[CaneBrain 95]

These parts made me laugh. The poor guy having to talk with his kid....the horror. I mean this is grade 5 right? Kids down there have to know about sex at that age, don't they? If this guy is put off by having his kids ask him questions why in the hell does he want someone from the school asking him the same kind of questions?

I would recommend you watch the South Park episode about sex ed in schools. It is a classic.

[chrozzo 19]

awesome

[LongLiveYorke 38]

also half your shit is unfunny also post under your real acount or gtfo.

looooool

[fryer98 30]

half your shit is unfunny

Wrong.

[chrozzo 19]

Wrong.

62%?

[theresa113 0]

This is why you should always own 2 computers. One for work and one for everything else.

[SAM_Hard8 50]

This is why you should always own 2 computers. One for work and one for everything else.

then lets see whats on your home computer?

[jeff_536 3]

This is why you should always own 2 computers. One for work and one for everything else.

So you're saying you have the noodz?ship pls.

[Tactical Bear 3]

guess the sarcasm in the spelling was missed, also half your shit is unfunny also post under your real acount or gtfo.

Before I get into the response proper: my favorite part of this post, and something I'm worried some people will miss, is the really interesting decision you make regarding sentence construction. It's not all that uncommon, really, to see run-on sentences on web boards; why use a period and interrupt the flow when you can just keep using nouns and verbs and transition words? For example, instead of stopping after "missed" and just starting a new sentence, you use a comma+also to keep things moving. Then, since it worked so well the first time, you go right back to that "also"-well. This time, however, you skip the comma completely. What changed? Was it just, like, "man I'm really grooving now and a comma will just slow me down?" Were you so fired up by that point that you couldn't see the keyboard? Or maybe the first comma was just an errant keystroke? Fascinating stuff. Since this post is getting out of hand already, I'll reign things in, and respond in list form:1) Maybe I did miss the humor, so here's what we'll do: you explain exactly why the misspellings and random grammatical errors were funny. Break it down for me. I mean, I obviously noticed the errors, but maybe I missed why, exactly, spelling embarrassing the way you did should have resulted in amusement or laughter. Or anything except annoyance and a slight bit of pity.2) Just to be safe, when you finish up your explanation, we'll have everybody vote on whether it is (a) funny or (b) really fucking stupid. If you can persuade enough people that it is legitimately funny, I'll admit my mistake and send you a free copy of Strunk and White's The Elements of Style by way of apology. If not, if everybody votes (b), don't worry, you won't owe me anything. I'll just randomly link to this thread once every few weeks until I completely forget about it. 3) Half my shit is unfunny? Seriously? Only half? First off, I think you're wrong -- I'd be happy if I was batting .200. Secondly, I love the sentiment. "What can I say to get this guy, to really get him? He said I wasn't funny, so I'll send that right back at him. Except instead of saying 'what you just said isn't funny,' instead of pointing to a specific example of him being lame, I will take shit to the next level. I will belittle his entire body of work. Actually, maybe I'll just belittle half of it..."4) This is my real account. I have, what, a few thousands posts using Tactical Bear? I used to be Shimmering Wang until an exgirlfriend tracked me down, and read a story I related about her maybe/maybe-not getting face fucked by Derek Jeter. Now that I think about it, I'm taking a pretty big risk just putting "Derek" and "Shimmering Wang" in the same post...

[mase_gotsem 0]

lolz i aint even gonna read that all. and just for even taking the time to write that novel im gonne concede and say you sir win the internets.

[theresa113 0]

then lets see whats on your home computer?

So you're saying you have the noodz?ship pls.

Trust me, no one would want to see home videos of me with my fat ass.Anyway, in the late 80s/early 90s my ex and I owned a TV/VCR repair shop. It is amazing the amount of home made porn we would find stuck in camcorders and VCRs. His buddies would stop by the shop to see the latest finds. I think it was the hot dog lady that had the most interest.

[HangukMiguk 8]

I think it was the hot dog lady that had the most interest.

Go on...

[LongLiveYorke 38]

3) Half my shit is unfunny? Seriously? Only half? First off, I think you're wrong -- I'd be happy if I was batting .200. Secondly, I love the sentiment. "What can I say to get this guy, to really get him? He said I wasn't funny, so I'll send that right back at him. Except instead of saying 'what you just said isn't funny,' instead of pointing to a specific example of him being lame, I will take shit to the next level. I will belittle his entire body of work. Actually, maybe I'll just belittle half of it..."

See, I agree. I think humor for sure can be judged in the same way baseball hitters can be judged. If you're batting .300 with jokes, you're considered a pretty darn funny guy, and if you're up to .350 you're flat out hilarious. Laughing .280 in the major leagues is good. But different people are different types of hitters. I think Wang is a power hitter. He swings as hard as he can at balls that go anywhere near the center of the plate. He especially likes to pull the inside balls and send them out of the park. But a lot of people I know are Derek Jeter. They thrive on those hits right over the second baseman's head and grind out single after single, working up their average to .320. Very rarely are you rolling on the floor, but they're clutch and get a chuckle out of you with men in scoring position.

lolz i aint even gonna read that all.

Welcome to the Mendoza line.

[Tactical Bear 3]

lolz i aint even gonna read that all. and just for even taking the time to write that novel im gonne concede and say you sir win the internets.

Still working that sarcasm angle, eh?

See, I agree. I think humor for sure can be judged in the same way baseball hitters can be judged. If you're batting .300 with jokes, you're considered a pretty darn funny guy, and if you're up to .350 you're flat out hilarious. Laughing .280 in the major leagues is good. But different people are different types of hitters. I think Wang is a power hitter. He swings as hard as he can at balls that go anywhere near the center of the plate. He especially likes to pull the inside balls and send them out of the park. But a lot of people I know are Derek Jeter. They thrive on those hits right over the second baseman's head and grind out single after single, working up their average to .320. Very rarely are you rolling on the floor, but they're clutch and get a chuckle out of you with men in scoring position. Welcome to the Mendoza line.

Coincidentally, the metaphor you use to compare my approach to humor to the approach of a three-true-outcomes mega-hacker is even more accurate when taken literally. My senior year I went something like:.350 batting average/.600 on base percentage. 30 walks/30 strikeouts. 9 homeruns. More than half of my plate appearances ended in a walk, strikeout, or homerun. I had a stretch during conference play that was just stupid. 1-3, HR, 2BB, 2K1-4, HR, K0-1, 4BB, K2-5, 2HR, BB, KI am not sure if that's exactly right, but I definitely went 4/13 with 4HR at one point. I am trying to think of which baseball player my humor-style most closely resembles. You got any ideas? My first instinct was Nick Adenhart.

[CaneBrain 95]

Still working that sarcasm angle, eh?Coincidentally, the metaphor you use to compare my approach to humor to the approach of a three-true-outcomes mega-hacker is even more accurate when taken literally. My senior year I went something like:.350 batting average/.600 on base percentage. 30 walks/30 strikeouts. 9 homeruns. More than half of my plate appearances ended in a walk, strikeout, or homerun. I had a stretch during conference play that was just stupid. 1-3, HR, 2BB, 2K1-4, HR, K0-1, 4BB, K2-5, 2HR, BB, KI am not sure if that's exactly right, but I definitely went 4/13 with 4HR at one point. I am trying to think of which baseball player my humor-style most closely resembles. You got any ideas? My first instinct was Nick Adenhart.

The exuberance of Dontrelle Willis, the razor sharp wit (stuff) of Johan Santana combined with regular doses of the unintentional comedy of Chuck Knoblauch playing 2b. You're welcome.

[chrozzo 19]

I am trying to think of which baseball player my humor-style most closely resembles. You got any ideas? My first instinct was Nick Adenhart.

Darryl Strawberry?i still have a DS baseball fielders glose...yeah, true story.

[SAM_Hard8 50]

Trust me, no one would want to see home videos of me with my fat ass.Anyway, in the late 80s/early 90s my ex and I owned a TV/VCR repair shop. It is amazing the amount of home made porn we would find stuck in camcorders and VCRs. His buddies would stop by the shop to see the latest finds. I think it was the hot dog lady that had the most interest.

I would love to see your fat ass!wow pre-interwebthingy days, you could have made a fortune.

[jeff_536 3]

I am trying to think of which baseball player my humor-style most closely resembles. You got any ideas? My first instinct was Nick Adenhart.

Stand-up double off the left-centre field wall.Manny Ramirez. High production when things are going good, but prone to bouts of 'derek being derek' where you wear your Thumps in left-field or take female hormone replacement. Still a feared slugger, though.

[tuckermitchell 1]

Adam Dunn?

[Tactical Bear 3]

Adam Dunn?

Yeah, I almost never try. I don't even like humor.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

4) This is my real account. I have, what, a few thousands posts using Tactical Bear? I used to be Shimmering Wang until an exgirlfriend tracked me down, and read a story I related about her maybe/maybe-not getting face fucked by Derek Jeter. Now that I think about it, I'm taking a pretty big risk just putting "Derek" and "Shimmering Wang" in the same post...

Wow. How did I not know this? Sidenote: Do you think he meant Iceman? He couldn't have, could he?

[JoeyJoJo 18]

See, I agree. I think humor for sure can be judged in the same way baseball hitters can be judged. If you're batting .300 with jokes, you're considered a pretty darn funny guy, and if you're up to .350 you're flat out hilarious. Laughing .280 in the major leagues is good. But different people are different types of hitters. I think Wang is a power hitter. He swings as hard as he can at balls that go anywhere near the center of the plate. He especially likes to pull the inside balls and send them out of the park. But a lot of people I know are Derek Jeter. They thrive on those hits right over the second baseman's head and grind out single after single, working up their average to .320. Very rarely are you rolling on the floor, but they're clutch and get a chuckle out of you with men in scoring position.

Hmm, forum stats.Do we stick with the baseball theme or create all new stats?I think baseball would work pretty well actually.Each post is like an at-bat. Aggressively unfunny and horribly constructed to the point of derailing a thread = grounded into double play (i.e. your typical Rose post)Unfunny and stupid = strikeoutInconsequential, no impact = regular outPosts that cause a smile = singlePosts that cause a laugh = doublePosts that get quoted for their humor = triplePosts that get quoted for their humor and therefore give life to a thread = home runPosts that are so funny they get immortalized in someone else's signature = grand slamWe can even use pitching stats. Each thread is like a game.Games started = threads started obviously.We could keep track of thread wins and losses. You know, "so-and-so wins this thread." Certainly there would be a lot of no-decisions. I would say a thread needs at least 40 posts in it to be eligible for a decision.If you take a good thread that was getting derailed and make it funny again, that's a save.I'm not sure how to calculate ERA. Maybe nine posts in a thread make you eligible and each bad post counts as a run. Or if nine is too much, we can convert that to five.Suggestions are welcome.We'll start keeping track of stats only on threads started after this post. Everything else was just extended spring training.p.s. When I say "we" I really mean "me." (Well, technically "I.") Of course I'll enlist the help of a super-secret consortium of posters, but I'm the commissioner here. But wait you say, who elected you? Nobody elects the commissioner either stupid! Or maybe they do. I guess the owners vote on it, huh? Ok, then I'm Forum Prospectus.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Ok, then I'm Forum Prospectus.

When you wrote this, what did you think a good "I get it" to "I don't get it" ratio would be? When I make a reference like that, I am always pretty sure a few people will know what I'm talking about, but I always have these daydreams where Nate Silver and Clay Davenport jokes just start flying...One day I am going to make a Voros McCracken joke in public, and, this time, people will laugh.