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I Called In Sick Today

turd ferguson

By turd ferguson,
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David_Sklansky

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

BigDMcGee

and after 3 days, he is risen!

AmScray

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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Ouch-8s

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We had everything we needed for the perfect camp out. Guitars, drugs, booze, horny chicks, aki sacs, food, blankets and a huge outdoor pool about 100 feet away.
I've seen them live too, and they were fantastic.I like the listed necessities, but is an 'aki sac' a hacky sack with a french accent?
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Hobbes

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Losing a sandal story.One night on vacation at Donner Lake my friends and I went to a bar called the Naughty Dog. They serve you margaritas in a dog bowl. I’m not sure what the attraction to that is, but whatever. One of my friends ordered me sweaty buffalo balls, which is 151, Wild Turkey, and Tabasco. It was brutal and I stupidly ordered a margarita after that. I was completely hammered.Driving home by the Truckee River I need to get out and puke, so we pull over. I get out of the car and do my business. We get home and I sort of stumble back to the cabin. The next morning we are all going river rafting and I’m looking all over for one of my sandals, but I can’t find it. Finally I just go barefoot since we’re only going to a river and who needs shoes?We’ve got about four cars driving and I’m in the lead car when I suddenly pull over and stop the car. Everybody else pulls over and wonders what’s going on. I get out of my car, run across the highway, pick something up, and triumphantly return with my missing sandal.

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Hobbes

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That's insane! You have one hell of an eagle eye.
It was one of my prouder moments.________________________
Frankly, I was expecting snowstorms & cannibalism.
We were at Donner Lake for vacation
Do they call it Donner Lake because the water from said lake was used to wash down the wagonmates?
_________________________
It is a beautiful, hot, sunny day, and as much as I would love to stay here and be mentally (and possibley sexually) stimulated, I'm heading out to lay in the sun.
Lolli says hi to everyone. And she's wearing a bikini. She won't send me pictures.______________________
This thread is dead compared to yesterday
you didn't get very flattering responses, did you there sweetcakes?
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renaedawn

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If it wasn't for the fact that you're already getting some, I'd offer my services as a funny fat white guy.
Every once in a while this thread gives up a true gem. This was one of those moments.
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Timdog1010

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You tell 'em, Shake.
Now you know I'm a sucker for some classic Shake...So Shake, got a minute to chat while it's quiet?
hey I'm ready and willing anytime sweetcakes
I love it when you use petnames...Can you believe Friday afternoons in this thread?
yeah it slows down quite a bit.
I notice that Renae just stopped by, you like Renae, don't you?
I mean, I'd do her, but I'd probably have to punch her afterwards
you & me both, buddy, you & me both.Turns out she's a big Floyd fan.
dude... DUDE... nice.
I know! You know someone's ok if they're into Floyd.Hurry back dude, it just hasn't been gay enough around here lately.
Whaaaaa????
Alright, you got me. It's always plenty gay in here.Still, hurry back.I think I need a more challenging job...so I got carried away with the quoting.You wanna fight about it?
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ajs510

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Every once in a while this thread gives up a true gem. This was one of those moments.
Every once in a while, I get some e-validation. Thanks!
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Bizzle

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Still, hurry back.
Even with the crappy quoting job, easily POTD.
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Ouch-8s

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Finding a sandal story.
A funny addendum to my lost socks and broken toe story.Wandering around the next day, I thought self-medicating might make me feel better. So I looked for my proto-pipe to have a little hoot, but it was nowhere to be found.I wracked my brain to try and remember where I had left it. The last time I remembered having it was the night before, shortly before I decided I needed to go for a walk. I had a hoot and put it into my breast pocket.That's when I remembered; early on in my walk (about 10 steps in, if I recall correctly), I was hit by the need to orally fertilize some bushes. I realized then that last night, while hunched over myself speaking to the leaves and roots that littered the ground, my pipe had fallen out of my pocket and was presumably still lying amongst the bushes.So I got up and limped my way down the street to the general area where my stomach had inverted itself. Once I got close, I started to search intently. I was begining to get discouraged when I found my Zippo; I hadn't even realized it was missing yet. Things were looking up. I kept searching but there was no proto-pipe to be found. But a few feet from my lighter I found a different pipe!I was, to put it mildly, dumbfounded. In the last twelve hours, some pothead had been puttering around in the bushes, found my pipe, taken it, and left another in it's place. Some sort of Karmic Hedge, if you'll pardon the pun. I, of course, was both disapointed and pleased at the same time. I took the pipe home, gave it a cleaning, and proceeded to feel better. My friends were all shocked at this turn of events as well, but all in all I think it could have gone a lot worse.Six months later, I agreed to play tennis with a friend. First I had some burritos and mexican rice, then won three $100 SnGs, then I gathered my gear and met him at the court. After playing him (he was much better than me, but I played well so I feel good about the game despite losing) I was putting my gear away when, lo and behold, there was my missing proto-pipe. Since I think it highly unlikely that our anonymous pothead had returned it to my tennis bag, I have to assume that I never had it that night at all. Very very strange coincidences.I still have both pipes, although I don't smoke anymore. I probably should go back and leave the glass one in the bushes, but at this point, I don't think anyone is looking for it anymore.
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turd ferguson

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You tell 'em, Shake.
I was mildly annoyed when Kurt was credited for my catch phrase in GPF a few days back. Thanks for setting them straight.
I like dicks
Clearly, but where do you draw the line? Good lord woman.
Even with the crappy quoting job, easily POTD./quote]Crappily QFT
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Ron_Mexico

Ron_Mexico 4,219

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Who the fuck comes in a sock during a one-nighter? You need to sit the lad down and explain stomach pancakes to him, stat.*Edit* Unless he thought she was one of those pregnancy trap chicks, then I could see it.
nah, he's hard to explain, and again, he gave me Stomach Pancakes. There, I said it, I'm a ripoff artist. This guy in his youth, entered a best ass_ contest in Daytona during spring break, finished second. Went up to the winner and asked "you think your ass_ is better than mine?" and dropped him with a right. He's a cop now.
Wait, so you work both at a bank, and at a club? Your multiple personalities must have multiple personalities.Nice new sig. Back when I was a clueless teenager, I loved that movie. Good to see you not go with the career path quote for a sig; way overused.
I do it on Saturday nights, its $20 and hour for 6 hours, and most nights I just look at pssy and have drinks with the owner. Its a cake gig and good cash for my December Vegas trip.Say Anything, I related to that movie, underdog gets hot chick. That how I live my life. And I'm a kickboxer, sport of the future
as for the bold, i'm sure its gold. you'll think its weird taking cunnilingus advice from an e-friend, but be assured it will work. and if not, just go for the old alphabet method. tried and true.
nope, not oral advice. I'm better than that.all for now, I hate playing catch up, I like when I create the action, not react to it.
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renaedawn

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Now you know I'm a sucker for some classic Shake...So Shake, got a minute to chat while it's quiet?I love it when you use petnames...Can you believe Friday afternoons in this thread?I notice that Renae just stopped by, you like Renae, don't you?you & me both, buddy, you & me both.Turns out she's a big Floyd fan.I know! You know someone's ok if they're into Floyd.Hurry back dude, it just hasn't been gay enough around here lately.Alright, you got me. It's always plenty gay in here.Still, hurry back.I think I need a more challenging job...so I got carried away with the quoting.You wanna fight about it?
Yes but I'm afraid you punch harder than I do.Well, done. I laughed. Well actually I smirked but I did get a warm fuzzy inside.
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