I Called In Sick Today

[Bizzle 0]

ok hang on i have this saved on our army secure page, its long as hell though. Probably take like 5 or 10 minutes to read it all.

I'm instantly convinced that all of the regular posters in this thread can find the time.

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

ok hang on i have this saved on our army secure page, its long as hell though. Probably take like 5 or 10 minutes to read it all.

Excellent...

[ajs510 122]

ok hang on i have this saved on our army secure page, its long as hell though. Probably take like 5 or 10 minutes to read it all.

Army secure page?

[Ouch-8s 4]

I once felt bad when my mother walked in on me beating it. But no more! From this point forth I will masturbate with impunity! Come forth and jerk off without discourse in front of whomever you please! Step out of the closet filled with soiled paper towels and into the light! Display your porn proudly, and hide not your Sears Catalogues! For today, my friends, I shall be shameless.

Discourse: A formal, lengthy discussion of a subject, either written or spoken.Recourse: An act of turning to for assistance; "have recourse to the courts";I'm not sure which you actually meant. I like to think you turned to your mother for recourse when she walked in on you though. Cause that's how you roll.

[turd ferguson 1]

If "0 New Messages " is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

0 New Messages is the coolest! Everybody my age has 0 New Messages!

I've had like 5 people stop by my office to talk about "Lost" today, last nights episode was wild.

Neat! Primetime dramas are the best!!!

[Bizzle 0]

I've had like 5 people stop by my office to talk about "Lost" today, last nights episode was wild.

HOLY SHIT THAT EPISODE WAS INNNNSANE!!!I mean, you know me, normally I wouldn't post in nubish caps, but seriously, my mouth was stuck open for the last 3 minutes of the show and it didn't close until 20 minutes later. I am pissed I have to wait a week to see the next episode.

[Guest andibear]

I've had like 5 people stop by my office to talk about "Lost" today, last nights episode was wild.

do you watch that? I have never seen an episode but hear so much about it. Mostly, what the crap is the thing in the woods?

0 New Messages is the coolest! Everybody my age has 0 New Messages!Neat! Primetime dramas are the best!!!

HOLY SHIT THAT EPISODE WAS INNNNSANE!!!

What are you two on?? I have never seen either of you so excited before

[Hobbes 1]

If "0 New Messages " is cool, consider me Miles Davis.

0 New Messages is the coolest! Everybody my age has 0 New Messages!

My Controls · View New Posts · My Assistant · 0 New MessagesI'm such a follower; I want to be cool too.

[turd ferguson 1]

Discourse: A formal, lengthy discussion of a subject, either written or spoken.Recourse: An act of turning to for assistance; "have recourse to the courts";I'm not sure which you actually meant. I like to think you turned to your mother for recourse when she walked in on you though. Cause that's how you roll.

It was clearly a typo. Good catch.

[dna4ever 2]

Keep in mind this was all pre-written along time ago. I had it broken up into 3 parts .....Part 1...My first job when I was 17 was working at a Movie Theater. I met this girl there named Shelley and man was she hot! Shelley went to a different school and even lived in a different state (she was in Ohio and I was in Kentucky), but we were still only 10 minutes a part as it was just a simple drive across the bridge to get to the other state. After hanging out and meeting up for a few weeks at the movies on the weekends we finally ended up at her house. I met her parents and we went up to her room to 'hang out'. I was a total virgin and barely even kissed a few girls up to this point. She wasted no time in getting to business. Locked her door, took off my pants and began giving me brrrraaaaaiiinnnnnnssss like you wouldnt forget, finishing every drop. WOW, what a first 'at home date' I couldnt believe this had just happened with her parents downstairs. Again, I'm all kinda new to this and didnt immediately recognize it was customary for me to return the favor. So once my eyes rolled back from out of my head I saw she was yearning for me to do something, but I was clueless. Finally she took the lead and took off her pants and panties and began pleasuring herself. Well even though I had just finished like 2 minutes earlier I was already solid and ready to go again lol. She says something to the effect of 'do you wanna fuck me' and I am like dork boy going 'yea let me find my condom which had been in my wallet for like over a year and literally cracked into little pieces as soon as i opened it lol. She said not to worry she was on the pill. Now I had been through sex education and I knew I HAD to have a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, etc etc, but for some reason her telling me not to worry was all the assurance I needed and I got laid for the first time in my life. Part 2 ...Ok so where were we? Oh yea I just got laid for the first time in my life and man I was hooked. Talk about a puppy dog on a chain. It didnt matter what the request was I was doing it for her because she controlled the sex supply, and she had ALOT of inventory. For the first 3 or 4 months of our intimacy we had to fuck at least once or twice a day minus the messy times of the month and to be honest that didnt always stop us. So I easily mistook sex for love and would have done anything for this girl. Since she was in a different school, state, etc none of my school friends could relate or even really knew her so it was a little weird at times, but I didnt care because I was getting laid big time. So we goto my Senior Prom and there is actually a pretty good picture of us doing the Macarena (come on everyone, heeyyyyy macarena) in my Senior yearbook, but that was a really akward time since she knew no one at my school and I was trying to hang out with my friends and be with my date at the same time. So after graduation came the realization that we would be going to different colleges (ie the end of sex for me). As it turned out I got accepted into the University of Kentucky and she got accepted into Berea College. Berea was only 40 miles (45 minute drive) from UK so now the idea that there was a chance we could keep this thing going. I was determined to keep this going and stay 'in the supply. The fact I was heading to the largest college in the area which would be filled with fresh young college supply never even crossed my mind, it really didnt. I mean I will admit it, I was pussy whipped BIG time. So we started college and every weekend we would get together, she was in an all girl dorm (see where this is going, ie read the topic again), and I was in a co-ed dorm that seperated gender by every other floor. Since her dorm was all girls I would usually just pick her up on Friday evening and we would stay at my dorm (secretively) and I would take her back Sunday evening. Guys were not allowed in her dorm at all, but she would always sneak me into her room for a few minutes anyways. She had a TOTALLY hottie for a roommate, her name was Cindy. She reminded me a lot of Christina Ricci with blonde hair if you can picture that. So everything was going great for about a month until I called her one Friday to tell her I would be there in about an hour and she told me she couldnt make it up that weekend. I of course asked her why not and she said she had a lot of homework to do. I told her she could do homework in my dorm, but she insisted she would just be distracted and want to spend all her time fucking instead of working. I accepted this answer and really thought nothing of it, but as it turns out this was the beginning of many excuses for why we couldnt get together. Part 3 ...Bleh I have been putting off writing Part 3 because its A) very embarrasing B) very sad C) VERY embarrasing D) brings back one of the worst feelings of my life with that prequel keep your criticism to yourself .... So after two weekends in a row of not seeing my Shelley I kinda got the feeling something was majorily wrong. The next weekend she gave a similiar excuse of having to stay in Berea because she had all this homework to do and would be swamped, blah blah. So I decided being the awesome boyfriend I was I would head down and surprise her with some roses, candy, and a card just to let her know how much I missed seeing her. I had no intentions of staying or interrupting her study time, but I thought the surprise visit would be well received and who knows maybe a little side action :-D So I make the 45 minute drive to Berea, drop a good $50 on some roses and candy and arrive on campus. The dorm she was in was an all girl dorm and you had to be buzzed in to even get in the lobby area. When I got there I saw one of their girls I had met on a previous trip there and since she recognized me she let me in. She saw the roses and candy and was impressed at the sweet gesture and walked (snuck) me down the hall to Shelley's room. I can still remember to this day sitting outside her door and hearing Jewel's "Foolish Games" playing inside her room. The girl left and I knocked on the door, a good 45 seconds goes by with no answer so I knock again, this time louder just incase she didnt hear me the first time cause the music. Finally Cindy (Shelleys roommate, the one that kinda looks like Christina Ricci) answers the door by barely opening it and peaking out the crack. The look on her face was another thing I can never forget, it was just pure fright, like she had seen a ghost. She said "Shelley, its Alan". and I hear this horrified "whhhaaat?" I push the door open and walk in to find that Cindy was completely naked holding a towel over her chest and Shelley was naked on Cindy's dorm bed. Now as much as every guy would like to say this was every man's fantasy come true I swear to you it was the WORST feeling I think I had ever felt up to that time. I simply couldnt process what the hell was going on. I mean I seriously didnt understand. I would love to be able to tell the 'guy' story that I walked in on my girlfriend doing another chick and we had a big balling 3 way, but it was nothing like that, I had 0 sexual feelings at that given time. So Cindy puts on her clothes and leaves us alone and I put her flowers, candy, and card in the trash can beside her desk. She tries to start with the whole "Alan, I dont know what to say, i didnt know how to tell you, i wanted to tell you, you wouldnt have understood, etc etc" I was trying to understand how someone that was just a total sex freak with me, like daily sex for nearly 2 years could be sleeping with another girl. She told me that once she found Cindy she knew that she was a person she could see her self spending the rest of her life with and it was 'just different'". I was like "no shit its different shes got a fucking pussy and i dont". I was pretty irate and said alot of things I probably shouldnt have, but (heres where it gets really embarrasing) she said that I wasnt someone she could see every marrying and she never really loved me, but I was JUST a great sex partner (she really said Great by the way ) and nothing more. She pretty much completley finished breaking my heart by saying we shouldnt see each other at all anymore or even talk to each other as it would just make things harder. I had to ask her when she started this sleeping with women thing. She said that Cindy was her first woman and things started out innocently by walking around half naked in their room, then a little touch here, joke kiss here, and it finally led to a full blown lovemaking relationship. So as I left her dorm and walked down the hallway it was one of the lonliest most confused moments of my life. She was everything to me at that time and I was nothing but a simple sex toy to her. To make things worst she called me about 2 months after this happened (right when I had almost gotten over everything) to 'see how I was doing'. What a cruel bitch thing to do. We talked for about 5 minutes and she left the conversation by letting me know that her and Cindy were still together and (i dont remember the exact words she used here, but ..) that after being with me for so long and being with Cindy for the past 4 months she could never see herself being with another man again as there was no way her needs could ever be fully met. So there you have it, I lay my open wounds on the table for you all the read. This has been the story of How I turned my girlfriend into a lesbian. Thank you and good night.

[Habs Fan 0]

A whole bunchs of quotes and replies and stuff.

[ajs510 122]

HOLY SHIT THAT EPISODE WAS INNNNSANE!!!I mean, you know me, normally I wouldn't post in nubish caps, but seriously, my mouth was stuck open for the last 3 minutes of the show and it didn't close until 20 minutes later. I am pissed I have to wait a week to see the next episode.

I don't usually gush about TV either, but same thing, my mouth was literally hanging open at the end of that episode. Totally blew me away.

[turd ferguson 1]

What are you two on?? I have never seen either of you so excited before

They gay couple on the island finally got together, and there was a graphic sex scene. Adam and Peter were pretty st®oked about it.

[Ouch-8s 4]

Again, I'm all kinda new to this and didnt immediately recognize it was customary for me to return the favor. So once my eyes rolled back from out of my head I saw she was yearning for me to do something, but I was clueless.

Welcome

[ajs510 122]

Goddamnit Alan, I hate to bestow this honor on a thread newbie, but...POTT so far.

They gay couple on the island finally got together, and there was a graphic sex scene. Adam and Peter were pretty st®oked about it.

Dude, how many times do I have to keep telling you? You're welcome at our viewing parties, but there's a plane ticket involved. Circle jerk starts at 10:03pm. There's no need to be jealous.

[Hobbes 1]

I was clueless.

Great story.Is it just me or does everyone else's clueless stories still involve them having some sort of sexual escapade while mine are just me walking away leaving the girl with a confused look on her face?

[dms26 3]

"God bless 9/11 and God bless IEDs" wtf? Sick, sick woman.

I had a lot of hippy morons at my school. Some of them were actually saying America deserved 9/11 a day or so after it happened. Hopefully they all stepped on rusty nails since they never wear shoes anyway.

[RhinestoneCowboy 2]

Great story.Is it just me or does everyone else's clueless stories still involve them having some sort of sexual escapade while mine are just me walking away leaving the girl with a confused look on her face?

I struck out as well if it makes you feel better.On another note, I gave my girlfriend the motorboat last night just for you guys.

[Trustno1 0]

I don't usually gush about TV either, but same thing, my mouth was literally hanging open at the end of that episode. Totally blew me away.

Ok my Tivo screwed me again, what hapened at the end? Last thing I saw was Michael picking up the gun.

[Ouch-8s 4]

Is it just me or does everyone else's clueless stories still involve them having some sort of sexual escapade while mine are just me walking away leaving the girl with a confused look on her face?

You're just the only one who is self-aware enough to have realised what that confused look meant. The rest of us were all too busy walking away and thinking about football or cars or video games to analyze why the girl was getting naked back there.

[Habs Fan 0]

Ok my Tivo screwed me again, what hapened at the end? Last thing I saw was Michael picking up the gun.

He shot everybody in the face cause they didn't bring him two beers them two beers then two beers then appetizers then two beers, main course and check.

[turd ferguson 1]

I was clueless.

Wow. That's hilarious and heart-breaking all at the same time. Great story.

[Ouch-8s 4]

On another note, I gave my girlfriend the motorboat last night just for you guys.

Me too!You motorboatin' son of a bitch.: brrrrrrrrrrr in the boobs face :

[Trustno1 0]

He shot everybody in the face cause they didn't bring him two beers them two beers then two beers then appetizers then two beers, main course and check.

O h so Randy made a cameo?

[Hobbes 1]

He shot everybody in the face cause they didn't bring him two beers them two beers then two beers then appetizers then two beers, main course and check.

Hahahaha