need help from anyone who is funny or clever.

[Varm 0]

SorryCorduroy pillows make headlines

[allinbluff35 0]

Well I got a got a two hours of sleep so I am refreshed for the day and I am bored and remembered some more pick up lines so here goes.You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be!Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

[KDawgCometh 2]

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.  Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way.  Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be!  Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

girl you must be makin' apple juice 'cause your very fine

[Draino666 0]

Bad spellers of the world......UNTIE!!!!!

[mnuks 0]

On a philosphical note:"Whenever you feel frustrated, welcome it. You're about to learn something"On the lighter side:"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons.. for you are crunchy and good with ketchup"

[superchuck 0]

aw man.... the best jack handy is the one where it is the kid walking alone to school on a cold day.....  thinking about life and whatnot.then, all of the sudden, a car comes by and splashes him with a puddle.....he stands there in shock... doesnt move.  (completely seems like the kid is the narrator... lol)"so i drove by and splashed him again"

or the one about taking little tiny pumpkins into battle, and throwing them at the opposition. then when they are sitting there, getting pelted with tiny pumpkins, thinking about how silly war is, we come in and shoot them with real guns. lol

[53o 0]

Light a man a fire and keep him warm for a few hours.Light a man ON fire and keep him warm the rest of his life.My favorite Jack Handyisms...Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.If you drop your keys in magma. Just let them go. Because, man, they're gone.If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

[Randy Reed 0]

Thought of another Steven Wright..I stayed up night playing poker with Tarot cards, I got a full house and four people died.And,A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.One more, The brain is a wonderful organ, it's starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop till you get to work.

[Ebonwoulfe 0]

I only read the last page of this post so I don't know if it has been said, but:"There are 10 types of people in this world, those that understand binary and those that don't"

[faketree 0]

If you drop your keys in magma.  Just let them go.  Because, man, they're gone.

Classic!

[Crocolyle 0]

"When I was a kid, I remember walking home from school when this mexican roofer started telling me I was paranoid in morse code."

I don't think this is Mitch. I heard an Emo Phillips cassette, yes cassette, back when I was like 12 and he said that joke. Another Emo joke here:I was walking down the street the other day and something caught my eye....and dragged it about thirty feet.

[shuffles 0]

My first job was at a firehydrant factory.....you couldnt park anywhere near the place.

[cashinnow 0]

Tina, eat your food!!!Kick his ass Seabass!!Ward, wern't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?

[KDawgCometh 2]

in the imortal words of Ralph Wiggum...."my cat's breath smells like cat food"

[BigSlick 0]

If a man with no arms walks into a bank with a gun, is he considered armed????S. Wright

[Randy Reed 0]

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, man did we f r u c k up!

[theKAbag 0]

beer, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems.-Homer Simpsonoh... and my signature

[trumptight111 0]

Here lies the body of Mary Lee.Died at the age of 103.For 13 years she kept her virginity.Not a bad record for this vicinity.

[Rebecca 0]

NOTICE FROM THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT:Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been permanently turned 'off'.

[Meotch08 0]

aw man.... the best jack handy is the one where it is the kid walking alone to school on a cold day..... thinking about life and whatnot.then, all of the sudden, a car comes by and splashes him with a puddle.....he stands there in shock... doesnt move. (completely seems like the kid is the narrator... lol)"so i drove by and splashed him again"

another good one is:"If you drop your keys into a volcano, just forget about it..... cause, man.... theyre gone."also"if i ever fell off the empire state building, i would just go really limp, because people might think im a dummy, and hey..... free dummy."lol i love it.

[aggyanglr 0]

Just a few that always make me laugh:-When I die, I want people to think of me and say, "That guy owed me a lot of money". - Jack Handey-Over? It's not over. Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?- Blutowski (Animal House)-You could argue with a possum. - Woodrow Call - Lonesome Dove-The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.-Life's a bitch. Then it has puppies.- I dunno man, that sounds like a lot of work. -Stiffler - American Pie

[JBradburn6 0]

Yogi Berra has some good quotes..."Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical.""If you come to a fork in the road, take it.""Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.""The Future ain't what it used to be."

[digitalmonkey 929]

I like to booooogie.I like the nightlife.

[digitalmonkey 929]

Holy Goat!

[pokerspice 0]

I've always wanted to open a wolverine petting farm. I think throwing in a couple hungry badgers and letting the kids wear chain mail gloves would be fun. - John Derringer - local radio personality in toronto