digitalmonkey 929 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 I went around the corner and I got it. I tried to get it but I couldn't. So I left it there and brought it home.Do you know what it is?This one is giving me a headache.Please transfer $1,000,000 in play money to my account and you wil....no seriously...If you forward this to 100 of your friends the answer will appea...stop it already...It is a sliver!Thank you, thank you...I'm here all week! Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Ok, here we go...I find that a ducks opinion of me is based solely on whether or not I have bread. You see, Ducks like bread, yet they don't have the capacity to purchase it themselves.If I worked in a convenience store and a Duck walked in and grabbed a loaf of bread, I'd let him go. Then he could go outside and share it with his friends.When I talk about a Ducks friends, you automatically think of other Ducks..... But he could have a beaver in tow.It would be pretty nice to have a Beaver as a friend.... Because they have the best houses.Forget about Lake-Side.... This is Lake-ON!Oh my god! Someone quoted Mitch Hedberg! You are my new hero!My contribution to this thread:"You haven't met yourself yet. The advantage to knowing others is that one day one of them may introuduce you to yourself" - Unknown"There is nothing as narcisistic as quoting yourself" - ZerospaceObviously you'd stick your name at the end of that last one.Haha! Yes I did... And all from memory! I should go see if he's got a website... He's the man!And if you are planning a statue to honor me, I'll get you a nice picture or something to model it after. Link to post Share on other sites
megacake 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.The best one by far. Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Here's some more from Mitch Hedberg... Man, this is bad, cause I'm not at home, I'm at the library and I am laughing like a dork trying not to be loud.Anyway... Here goes...I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Link to post Share on other sites
digitalmonkey 929 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 The first man is the master of priceless gems;The second man is the master of love;The third man is the master of shovels;The fourth man is the master of big sticks;Who are they? Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 The first man is the master of priceless gems;The second man is the master of love;The third man is the master of shovels;The fourth man is the master of big sticks;Who are they?Duh... Kings of Diamonds, Hearts, Spades and Clubs! Link to post Share on other sites
justblaze 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 the ninja turtles?edit: Kurts answer is good too, if you wanna be a dick about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 the ninja turtles?That was my 2nd choice. One of them has nunchucks I think too. Link to post Share on other sites
jayistheman 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Here's some more from Mitch Hedberg... Man, this is bad, cause I'm not at home, I'm at the library and I am laughing like a dork trying not to be loud.Anyway... Here goes...I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D". Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.i think pringles was supposed to make tennis ballsand on the day the rubber was supposed to come, a truckload of potatos arrivednow pringles is a pretty laid back company... so they were like f*ck it, cut em up.i dont have a girlfriend, but i know a girl who would be really mad to hear me say that...mitch hedberg is the man Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Heck yeah! lolHere's more...This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Heck yeah! lolHere's more...This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.Mitch does have a website. I forget the address. You can, however, get cinnamon roll incense right there on his website.I loaned his cd's out to like 9 people; they all hated it. Blech. Nuts to them! Link to post Share on other sites
faketree 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Heck yeah! lolIf you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible....i seriously just had to get up off the floor because i was laughing to hard.all this mitch hedburg stuff is outrageous. Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 You can't even get the full effect by reading it... you need to know how he talks to really think it's funny.Wait, I got more....."Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stickulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks? I'm for them.""I get the Reece's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reece's and some guy named Reece comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.""I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling there ain't no way that's gonna hit him." Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Heck yeah! lolIf you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible....i seriously just had to get up off the floor because i was laughing to hard.all this mitch hedburg stuff is outrageous.I feel your pain... i'm at the freakin library trying to be quiet, so it's making my eyes tear up! Link to post Share on other sites
faketree 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 You can't even get the full effect by reading it... you need to know how he talks to really think it's funny."I actually saw him once a couple years ago on the Tonight Show. Me and my friends were dying. But haven't heard anything since. Can you buy or download some of his stand up stuff?And isn't he the guy that works behind the counter at the Hub on That 70s Show? Link to post Share on other sites
Suited_Up 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 You can't even get the full effect by reading it... you need to know how he talks to really think it's funny."I actually saw him once a couple years ago on the Tonight Show. Me and my friends were dying. But haven't heard anything since. Can you buy or download some of his stand up stuff?And isn't he the guy that works behind the counter at the Hub on That 70s Show?I think he might be. And his website is www.MitchHedberg.netHe's got CD's there at least. And he is on Shorties watching Shorties sometimes... twice that I know of.A few more..."It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cockey.""I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question."I like refried beans. I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. I like Kit-Kats, unless I am with four or more people.On a Kit-Kat, they have the words Kit-Kat written on the candy bar. That robs you of chocolate! I bought this parrot, and he talked, but he could not say I'm hungry, so he died.I tried this soda called Mister Pibb, it's like a copy of Dr. Pepper, but it's real bogus, cause dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out of school early and make soda? Link to post Share on other sites
BlinkersOn 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Judge Crater, please call your office. Link to post Share on other sites
Randy Reed 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 And my favorite saying....A friend in need, is a pain in the ass. Link to post Share on other sites
JistTheFist 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 More mitch:"You know it's funny, how colors of stop lights and banannas are like exact opposites... you see on a bananna green means wait for a while longeryellow means go aheadand red means where the F*ck did you get that bananna?""A friend went to his freezer and asked me if I wanted afrozen bananna... I told him 'no, but I might want a normal bananna later so grab one anyway""I had a dream where I was running through this field and then all of a sudden had an ahzma attack... I know I know, I should have heard them before they got to me with all the wheezing""When I was a kid, I remember walking home from school when this mexican roofer started telling me I was paranoid in morse code." Link to post Share on other sites
GoStags92 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 "Common sense is not so common." Link to post Share on other sites
mortegren 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Hearltess czars and pin-striped bosses throw the dice....either way they fall guess who gets to pay the price?Bobby Weir Link to post Share on other sites
faketree 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Another good Steven Wright:"I want to get a full-body tatoo of myself, but taller."Caddyshack:"Oh this is the worst lookin' hat I've ever seen. You should get a free bowl of soup if you buy this hat.....Oh, it looks good on you though."Lebowski:"You said it man, nobody f ucks with the Jesus." Link to post Share on other sites
Nacho 0 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 Demetri Martin...He's on Conan occasionally..He usually has a guitar also, and he's a pretty good performer. His delivery is really good Link to post Share on other sites
KDawgCometh 2 Posted January 28, 2005 Share Posted January 28, 2005 FLAVOR FLAV!!!NOOOOOOOOO, damn I was thinkg that too. lol. Cows are stupid...like fish-Chyna Doll(gotta love lushes) Link to post Share on other sites
KDawgCometh 2 Posted January 29, 2005 Share Posted January 29, 2005 its a liger, which is probably THE COOLESt aniaml ever. Tina eat your goddamn food. Rico, this has to be the worst movie ever. You know I'm training to be a cage fighter. Link to post Share on other sites
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