A Guy Walks Into A Bar....

[LongLiveYorke 38]

and kills everyone.

FYP

[gkunit20 1]

FYP

Thank you grammar police.

[Jam-Fly 8]

I've got a great one, but it's a bit racist. Probably shouldn't post it here, I really don't want to get banned.

lol, you won't get banned.If that was the joke coz I chuckled a little at the post

[freak2304 0]

A guy walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and orders 5 shots of tequila. The bartender brings the shots back and the man proceeds to down all 5 one after the other. The bartender looks at the man and asks, "That was some drinking you just did. What's going on?" The man replies, "Oh, it's a long story but I just had my first blowjob." The bartender smiles at the man and says, "Well, that's great! Here, let me get you another shot on the house." The man replies, "Thanks, but no thanks. If those first 5 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will!"

[SBriand 4]

Horse walks into a bar, the bartender says, "hey, why the long face?"

[freak2304 0]

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer. With that, a man at the bar said "I don't want to drink at the same bar as this dog." The dog and the man got into a fight and the man shot the dog in the foot. With that, the dog yelped out of the bar and down the street. A week later the same dog walked into the same bar, this time he was wearing a black hat, a black vest, black chaps, black boots, a black gun belt with a pair of black colt .45's one on either side, and a black bandage around his sore foot. He goes up to the bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."

[yahaw 0]

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted

[yahaw 0]

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

[yahaw 0]

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

[Buddah612 0]

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?""I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?""I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

[HollywoodAFD 0]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

[nhlfan 0]

OK, mind you, this IS JUST A JOKE, I AM NOT ENDORSING RACISM OR RACIST THOUGHTS.....A huge black dude walks into a bar a says "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So this guy raises his hand, Leroy walks over and they share a drink and chat for a few minutes. Then Leroy stands up and says again, "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So another dude offers him a drink and they talk for a bit, and then again Leroy stands up and goes "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So a guy way in the back calls for Leroy to come over. After just a minute, Leroy hauls back and knocks this dude out with one big punch and storms out of the bar. All the people gather around this guys and try to revive him. After a few moments he comes to and everyone is asking "What did you do? What did you say to him to make him so mad?".The guy looks around, still in a daze and says "All I said was that if I made 10 million dollars a year, I wouldn't f&%k black women either!".This was told to me by my best friend in the Marines, a black guy who knew more racist jokes than I did. We would always talk about why there were not really any good white jokes.edit: Mods, feel free to delete if deemed inappropriate.

[HollywoodAFD 0]

OK, mind you, this IS JUST A JOKE, I AM NOT ENDORSING RACISM OR RACIST THOUGHTS.....A huge black dude walks into a bar a says "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So this guy raises his hand, Leroy walks over and they share a drink and chat for a few minutes. Then Leroy stands up and says again, "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So another dude offers him a drink and they talk for a bit, and then again Leroy stands up and goes "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So a guy way in the back calls for Leroy to come over. After just a minute, Leroy hauls back and knocks this dude out with one big punch and storms out of the bar. All the people gather around this guys and try to revive him. After a few moments he comes to and everyone is asking "What did you do? What did you say to him to make him so mad?".The guy looks around, still in a daze and says "All I said was that if I made 10 million dollars a year, I wouldn't f&%k ni#^ers either!".This was told to me by my best friend in the Marines, a black guy who knew more racist jokes than I did. We would always talk about why there were not really any good white jokes.

You are sooooo banned

[ShakeZuma 585]

OK, mind you, this IS JUST A JOKE, I AM NOT ENDORSING RACISM OR RACIST THOUGHTS.....A huge black dude walks into a bar a says "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So this guy raises his hand, Leroy walks over and they share a drink and chat for a few minutes. Then Leroy stands up and says again, "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So another dude offers him a drink and they talk for a bit, and then again Leroy stands up and goes "I'm Leroy Jones, I'm the biggest, baddest football player in the NFL. I make 10 million dollars a year, I drive a Bentley, and I only f*%k white women, now who want's to buy me a drink?"So a guy way in the back calls for Leroy to come over. After just a minute, Leroy hauls back and knocks this dude out with one big punch and storms out of the bar. All the people gather around this guys and try to revive him. After a few moments he comes to and everyone is asking "What did you do? What did you say to him to make him so mad?".The guy looks around, still in a daze and says "All I said was that if I made 10 million dollars a year, I wouldn't f&%k black women either!".This was told to me by my best friend in the Marines, a black guy who knew more racist jokes than I did. We would always talk about why there were not really any good white jokes.edit: Mods, feel free to delete if deemed inappropriate.

I AM OFFENDED

[hblask 1]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it to him, and the neutron says "How much?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."See, because neutrons have no charge.And the bartender said "no charge" when he was talking about the price.But it makes it sound like he's talking about the charge of the particle.

[hblask 1]

An atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Wow, you don't look good, what's wrong." The atom says "I lost an electron." The bartender says "Are you sure?" The atom says "Yes, I'm positive."See, because electrons are negatively charged particles.And if an atom loses an electron, it has a positive charge.So when the atom answers that he is positive, he could either be speaking about his charge, or he could be speaking about the certainty of his conclusion.

[DrawingDeadInDM 0]

A termite walks into the bar and says, "Hey guys! Is the bar tender here?ZIIIIIIIING!

[speedz99 145]

An atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Wow, you don't look good, what's wrong." The atom says "I lost an electron." The bartender says "Are you sure?" The atom says "Yes, I'm positive."

I can't believe I laughed at this. And yet...I did.

[LJB723 0]

Not mine: The great Bill Bailey's "3 men go into a pub" in the style of Chaucer. Enjoy.Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,In expectatione of revelrie,For 'twas the houre known as happye.Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,And hadde a reallye good laffe.'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,For 'twas two for the price of one.Yet after wine and meade and sac,Man must have a massive snack,Great pasties from Cornwalle!Scottishe eggs round like a balle!Great hammes, quaile, ducke and geese!They suck'd the bones and drank the grease!(One fellowe stood all pale and wan,For he was vegetarianne)Yet man knoweth that gluttonie,Stoketh the fyre of lecherie,Upon three young wenches round and slye,The fellowes cast a wanton eye.One did approach, with drunkene winke:"'Ello darlin', you fancy a drink?",Soon they caught them on their knee,'Twas like some grotesque puppettrie!Such was the lewdness and debaucherie -'Twas like a sketch by Dick Emery!(Except that Dick Emery is not yet borne -So such comparisonne may not be drawn).But then the fellowes began to pale,For quail are not the friende of ale!And in their bellyes much confusione!From their throats vile extrusione!Stinking foule corruptionne!Came spewinge forth from droolinge lippes,The fetide stenche did fille the pubbe,'Twas the very arse of Beelzebubbe!Thrown they were, from the Horne And Trumpette,In the street, no coyne, no strumpet.Homeward bounde, must quicklie go,To that ende - a donkey stole!Their handes all with vomit greased,(The donkey was not pleased,And threw them into a ditche of shite!)They all agreed: "What a brillant night!"

[simo_8ball 0]

Not mine: The great Bill Bailey's "3 men go into a pub" in the style of Chaucer. Enjoy.Three fellowes wenten into a pubbe,And gleefullye their handes did rubbe,In expectatione of revelrie,For 'twas the houre known as happye.Greate botelles of wine did they quaffe,And hadde a reallye good laffe.'Til drunkennesse held full dominione,For 'twas two for the price of one.Yet after wine and meade and sac,Man must have a massive snack,Great pasties from Cornwalle!Scottishe eggs round like a balle!Great hammes, quaile, ducke and geese!They suck'd the bones and drank the grease!(One fellowe stood all pale and wan,For he was vegetarianne)Yet man knoweth that gluttonie,Stoketh the fyre of lecherie,Upon three young wenches round and slye,The fellowes cast a wanton eye.One did approach, with drunkene winke:"'Ello darlin', you fancy a drink?",Soon they caught them on their knee,'Twas like some grotesque puppettrie!Such was the lewdness and debaucherie -'Twas like a sketch by Dick Emery!(Except that Dick Emery is not yet borne -So such comparisonne may not be drawn).But then the fellowes began to pale,For quail are not the friende of ale!And in their bellyes much confusione!From their throats vile extrusione!Stinking foule corruptionne!Came spewinge forth from droolinge lippes,The fetide stenche did fille the pubbe,'Twas the very arse of Beelzebubbe!Thrown they were, from the Horne And Trumpette,In the street, no coyne, no strumpet.Homeward bounde, must quicklie go,To that ende - a donkey stole!Their handes all with vomit greased,(The donkey was not pleased,And threw them into a ditche of shite!)They all agreed: "What a brillant night!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PWi7p9xj83IIt's fantastic.

[eYank 0]

I can't believe I laughed at this. And yet...I did.

haha so did i

[Fphillips 0]

Fphillips walks into a bar and says , Bartender.Bartender: yes.Fphillips: I've had one rotten asssed day please don't let me leave here coherent.Bartender: Sure thing man, what can I start you out with?Fphillips: I think I'll start slow and work my way into it, how bout a beer and a shot.4 hours later....Fphillips: xxxxxxx xxx xxxx xxxxxxBartender: Leave the fat girls alone and get out.Fphillips: k

[gkunit20 1]

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it to him, and the neutron says "How much?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."See, because neutrons have no charge.And the bartender said "no charge" when he was talking about the price.But it makes it sound like he's talking about the charge of the particle.

An atom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Wow, you don't look good, what's wrong." The atom says "I lost an electron." The bartender says "Are you sure?" The atom says "Yes, I'm positive."See, because electrons are negatively charged particles.And if an atom loses an electron, it has a positive charge.So when the atom answers that he is positive, he could either be speaking about his charge, or he could be speaking about the certainty of his conclusion.

The fact that you explained these things is what made them hilarious.Man walks into a bar and orders a triple sctoch. He gulps it down, and orders another. He gulps that one down as well, and orders a third. The bartender says to him, "Son, you know I can't give you a third triple." The guy says "Come on, man. I've had a tough day. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with my best friend."The bartender says "Oooh, that sucks man. What'd you do to your wife?"The guy says "Naturally, I told her to get the hell out of my life."Bartender asks "And what did you do to your friend?"Guy responds "Well, I looked him in the eye and shouted 'BAD DOG!'"

[HollywoodAFD 0]

The fact that you explained these things is what made them hilarious.Man walks into a bar and orders a triple sctoch. He gulps it down, and orders another. He gulps that one down as well, and orders a third. The bartender says to him, "Son, you know I can't give you a third triple." The guy says "Come on, man. I've had a tough day. When I got home, I found my wife in bed with my best friend."The bartender says "Oooh, that sucks man. What'd you do to your wife?"The guy says "Naturally, I told her to get the hell out of my life."Bartender asks "And what did you do to your friend?"Guy responds "Well, I looked him in the eye and shouted 'BAD DOG!'"

Unreal how bad that joke is.Stick to your day job.However...I will give you a chance to attack me back....(like I really have to try hard to give a reason)But here goes:A man walks into a bar, with a small dog under his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed."The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!""Yeah, right," says the bartender. "Now get out of here before I throw you out.""No, wait," says the man. "I'll prove it." He turns to the dog and asks, "What do you normally find on top of a house?""Roof!" says the dog, wagging his tail."Listen, pal..." says the bartender."Wait," says the man, "I'll ask another question." He turns to the dog again and asks, "What's the opposite of soft?""Ruff!" exclaims the dog."Quit wasting my time and get out of here," says the bartender."One more chance," pleads the man. Turning to the dog again, he asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player that ever lived?""Ruth!" barked the dog."Okay, that's it!" says the bartender, and physically throws both man and dog out the door and onto the street.Turning to the man, the dogs shrugs and says, "Maybe I should have said Joe Dimaggio?"

[eYank 0]

^^ Pretty goodI laughed