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The Big Dump

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#1 donk4life


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 03:00 PM

All in all, it hadn’t been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioningcomputer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seethingcauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been overforty-eight hours since I’d last taken a dump. I’d tried to jumpstartthe process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fibercereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding abean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, myinsides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of theoccasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, Ihad to stop at the mall to pick up an order for my wife. I completedthis task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way backto thecar, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, “Everything Must Go!” Thiswas prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp anda wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried tothe mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 0through 4 (I write a lot of software) for your convenience:0.Occupied.1.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it’s next to theoccupied one.2.Poo on seat.3.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered onseat.4.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near baseof toilet.Clearly, it had to be Stall ..1. I trudged back, entered, dropped trouand sat down. I’m normally a fairly Shameful Sh1tter. I wasn’t happyabout being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot.I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweetsounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, andthen the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for acell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than itneeded to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. Theinane conversation went on and on. Mr. Sh1tter was blathering to Mrs.Sh1tter about the sh1tty day he had. I sat there, cramping andmiserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation draggedon, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappyday, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me knowin no uncertain terms that if I didn’t get crapping soon, my day wouldbe getting even crappier.Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longercared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my otherhand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I wasrewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude — a cross between the soundof someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood beingtorn off a wall. The sound gradually transitioned into a heavilymodulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managedto hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things becameapparent:(1) The next-door conversation had ceased;(2) my colon’s continued seizing indicated that there was more to come;and(3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench.It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quicklymade its way underthe stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial“herald” fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.“Oh my God,” I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds ofchoking, and then, “No, baby, that wasn’t me (cough, gag), you couldhear that (gag)??”Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I couldswear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots,and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount ofstuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendousforce. Later, in surveying the damage, I’d see that liquid poop hadactually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on tothe floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as hedesperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversationmade themselves heard over my anal symphony: “Gotta go… horrible…throw up… in my mouth… not… make it… tell the kids… lovethem… oh God…” followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging andretching.Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one’s phone and wipe one’s bumat the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet waswinding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed bystring of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone intothe toilet.There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathlyquiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. Afinal anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunksplopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. Iheard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door wasthrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the doorbehind him.After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed thedamage. I felt bad for the janitor who’d be forced to deal with this,but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world couldhandle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor floodedwith filth.As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in thebowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left thebathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know.I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking aroundfor a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow mysupernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to myanonymous poop-mate. I think it’ll be a long time before he can bringhimself to poop in public — and I doubt he’ll ever again answer hiscell phone in the loo. And this, my friends, is why you should nevertalk on your phone in the bathroom.

View Postakashenk, on 02 August 2012 - 06:44 AM, said:

I don't mind folding out hands we beat.

#2 Jerry_Lundegaard


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 03:24 PM

well played
What the heck d'ya mean?

#3 BeaverStyle


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 03:35 PM

Still funny the 12th time reading this.
I may not be a meteorologist, but it sure looks like it's rainin' bitches!

#4 king_tanner


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 03:37 PM

1) You should have done a courtesy flush half way through the shit. If I was a janitor and found out you did that, I would consider murdering you.2) I don't feel bad for the guy on the phone at all, having someone next to you with explosive diarrea (sp) is the risk you take while using a public restroom.
QUOTE (rcgs59 @ Wednesday, January 5th, 2011, 8:14 PM)
$5,000 lol wish it was 5000

#5 Cappy37


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 03:59 PM

View Postdonk4life, on Friday, December 28th, 2007, 3:00 PM, said:

After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed thedamage.
best part. Well put. [x] thread deliverage.
QUOTE (El Guapo @ Thursday, April 30th, 2009, 10:58 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
Whatever angle it is, i am pretty sure it will be obtuse.

QUOTE (David_Sklansky @ Thursday, February 12th, 2009, 7:38 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
I give you the gift of arousal and this is how you talk to me?

#6 ricker


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 04:14 PM

nice...I read best of craigslist too...

#7 mase_gotsem


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 04:54 PM

ah man that was a funny read hahai was in the hospital a few years back and my first room out of icu was with some old guy with constant diharrea<sp> his toilet was next to my bed with just a curtain between us .. yes i know disgusting i was moved the next morning after the worst night i can possibly remember.. i musta hit the morphine button 12 times just to try and kill myself lol .. good times good times.
jeff(support): unfortunetly, confedrate,it looks like thats right. You were waiting to post your blind, and didnt get in. Im very sorry"

#8 pckt10s



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Posted 28 December 2007 - 04:57 PM

yup... read this before...
The "Bomb Hat" Guy

Just Twitter

#9 SuitedAces21


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 05:15 PM

Are we not using the "WE LANDED ON THE MOON!" joke anymore?

#10 FileError404


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 05:45 PM

View PostSuitedAces21, on Friday, December 28th, 2007, 9:15 PM, said:

Are we not using the "WE LANDED ON THE MOON!" joke anymore?
Nah, it's this one now.Posted Image

#11 Vinnie_Terranova



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Posted 28 December 2007 - 06:02 PM

Poop is always funny.

#12 DrawingDeadInDM


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Posted 28 December 2007 - 06:04 PM

I liked this better when Ron Mexico(I think?) posted it as a joke and then a bunch of people accused him of plagiarism.
I'm also fed up with the common cold but I just hate to say goodbye.

#13 Vinnie_Terranova



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Posted 28 December 2007 - 06:09 PM

View PostDrawingDeadInDM, on Friday, December 28th, 2007, 6:04 PM, said:

I liked this better when Ron Mexico(I think?) posted it as a joke and then a bunch of people accused him of plagiarism.
I vaguely remember (maybe) something somewhat similar sort of kind of. But I dont think it was Ronny.

#14 chrozzo



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Posted 28 December 2007 - 10:40 PM

meh...ive had better
FCP CBO: Chief Beer Officer

I'm kind of a big deal.

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