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this is a bit long-winded, but i had to get some shit off my chest, so read/respond if you want, or ignore it, i really don't care...so lately i have been in this "mood" of sorts. basically, i just do not care about anything. i am failing to see the point in anything anymore, and i'm not exactly sure why. in the past 3 years or so i have been seriously considering whether or not i can continue to believe in the existence of God, which has been one of my core beliefs for a very long time. i think it all began a while back when the girl i was seeing (that i fell in love with and felt fated to be with--you might remember the story, it was posted in the old batcave) left me for some random asshole, ripping not only my heart, but also my soul into millions of pieces. i was severely depressed for a good 6 months, so bad in fact that i lost 60 pounds in less than 6 weeks, prompting my mother to think i had cancer. there was nothing i could do to lift myself up out of the misery i was in, and all i could do is turn to God for help. i remember praying pretty much every single free moment i had that He would do something to ease the pain i felt, but it seemed to just get worse every day. these days whenever i find myself feeling ok, something sucker punches me in the balls to remind me of how miserable i was. something always seems to find its way to me to let me know just how much the whole thing changed me for the worse. granted, it is in no way close to what i went through, but there's always that reminder. it's hard to explain really, so at this point i'm just hoping you know what i'm trying to say. i'm not wallowing in depression or hoping to get her back, because i have absolutely no desire to ever speak to her again. it's more like a reminder that i can't ever seem to get what i want, that i can't ever seem to find true happiness without losing it as quickly as i found it.i have always been one to believe in fate, destiny, God's will, or whatever you want to call it. i have always thought that there is a path that we are all on, and try as we might to do otherwise, we will always end up where we are supposed to be. this in and of itself pisses me off. if there is nothing anyone can do to change their destiny, why the fuck should we do anything at all? i'm in school trying to finish my degree, but for what? in pursuit of what? a life i'll end up with anyways? and if the life i am striving for is not my destiny, then i'm just wasting my time trying. and what if my destiny sucks? what if i am really just destined to be miserable? there really isn't a reason to try otherwise if i'm always just going to end up right back at the bottom. if there is no way to avoid our destiny, why the hell should we do anything? if you try to veer away from your charted path, you'll just end up right where you were supposed to be, and so nothing we do matters when it comes down to it. this potentially being the case has me seriously doubting that if there even is a God, there is absolutely no way i can believe in the slightest that He gives a fuck about anyone. and i really don't like feeling this way. i really don't want to turn into one of those people that thinks life is against them, and that just wallows in self-pity with a "woe is me" attitude. lately i just do not see the point in anything. please don't give me the "well, i think we make our own destiny!" rebuttals, because if that were the case, i wouldn't find myself always ending up in the same place no matter which road i take, no matter how hard i try to get away from it. secondly, no some girl didn't recently break my heart, and no i didn't recently run into the girl from the first part of this rant. nothing has happened recently to make me feel like this, it is more of a culmination of the last 3 years of my life. i'm just starting to feel like there is no real meaning to life, and that there is no real reason to do anything...and it sucks.

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I think we've all been "there" to some degree and I doubt you are going to find an answer here...if anywhere.If I could offer a suggestion... stop looking. Maybe there is no point.... maybe there is no reason for anything. From a philosophy class... I learned a little phrase called Dayenu (very Jewish...I know) but it literally means... "If nothing else happens today, THIS made me happy". There has to be something everyday that is good to you.... cup of coffee, watching the sun rise, eating a sandwich.... something. I think the exercise is to teach us to find small bits of happiness and stop looking for big happiness.Not that big happiness wont happen...just if you expect it to come...or wait for it to come... the waiting and/or disappointment may outweigh the overall happiness when it comes.I wont go all religious on you about asking God for guidance and feeling you didn't get it.... but I can say that I don't believe giving up nor continuing to believe in a God is the answer. It sounds like you just need personal happiness right now. If you can't make yourself happy...there's no way you can make someone else happy.Earth has been around for billions of years... mankind has been on Earth for thousands of years... you are 1 of about 7 trillion people on Earth and you are expected to live for only about 80 years. Find SOMETHING everyday that makes you happy. And don't be afraid to seek medical help...chemical imbalance could be the root cause of this and it's nothing to be ashamed of and can be treated with a simple pill a day.Good luck, my friend!

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  • 2 weeks later...
please don't give me the "well, i think we make our own destiny!" rebuttals, because if that were the case, i wouldn't find myself always ending up in the same place no matter which road i take,
I think you're in the doldrums. I went through it when I went back to school and was about 3/4 through with my degree. school at a non-traditional age consists of absolute routine. work-study-class-sleep-work-study-class-sleep. so from that perspective you are trapped. you don't have the choices you would like so you don't necessarily get the results you want, you get more of the same. the choices we make leads us to where we are. maybe, just maybe, when you say "no matter which road I take, I end up in the same spot" it's because you think you're making the choice you normally wouldn't, but you really are.Remember, if your instincts are always wrong the opposite would have to be right.george.jpg
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Oh hi guys.New HangukMiguk news:I'm getting married on July 23rd. To a Korean woman. Thus making my username self-fulfilling prophecy.We are also moving to China on August 18th.
so happy for you Corey! hope with all thats going on and your new family you wont forget about your old "family' here in the hideout! lol
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so happy for you Corey! hope with all thats going on and your new family you wont forget about your old "family' here in the hideout! lol
I worry about the Great Firewall of China blocking out certain sites I frequent.I know unless I get a VPN, I won't be on Facebook for a while. Apparently the person who hired me knows how to get on Facebook within China, so that should help.Like, the only Social Network site I can get on is Myspace. *facepalm*Google+ got blocked instantly from what I hear.But you know I'm still around from time to time. Wish I could say that about everybody.
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I'm getting married on July 23rd. To a Korean woman. Thus making my username self-fulfilling prophecy.
congrats homie
We are also moving to China on August 18th.
i hear there are a lot of chinese people there
But you know I'm still around from time to time. Wish I could say that about everybody.
its not that i don't care anymore, its just that i'm lazy, and ridiculously busy with school and work. i drop in occasionally, but usually nothing new is ever here.
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I thought that was Singapore.
Same thing..... All Asians hate gum spitting. It's a religious thing I think.In Singapore you get caned... in China I think they insert a large object in a small place that you would prefer to not have things go that way.
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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
Seriously.
motherfucker...but enough about the prodigal son returning for one comment then fading back into the shadows (we know, you're busy picking all the red m&m's out of the bowl in k.c.'s dressing room, and that for every one she finds it means cattle prod in the anus and brass knuckles to the scrotum...so you aren't trying all that hard but hey, you gotta make it look like it's "punishment")...in other news, not sure how many of you read my earlier rant about how i hate life and such, but as an update, i noticed quite a few times (almost always) throughout my life i had experienced these sorts of soul crushing depressive phases followed by some periods of super-awesome-i-can-conquer-the-world elation and hyperactivity (for lack of a better term), so i decided maybe i should go get checked out and see if i have some issues i'm unaware of...long story short, last week i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which for some reason surprises about 85% of the people i know, even though to me it makes perfect sense and explains the rollercoaster that is my emotional status...just thought i'd share that bit of info with the countless "guests" that peruse this amazingly dead thread...oh and the few of you borderline strangers, people i don't really know, handful of people i remember that may or may not remember me, and chrozzo, who actually drop by on occassion.hi five to me!
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I stop by now and then as well :-)In poker news, I cashed in one of the prelim events at the last Foxwoods Deep Stack.

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motherfucker...but enough about the prodigal son returning for one comment then fading back into the shadows (we know, you're busy picking all the red m&m's out of the bowl in k.c.'s dressing room, and that for every one she finds it means cattle prod in the anus and brass knuckles to the scrotum...so you aren't trying all that hard but hey, you gotta make it look like it's "punishment")...
Livin' the dream baby.Anyway, I honestly totally forgot about this place for a long time, or else I would've been back to say hi a while ago.I've been relatively busy with the band I'm in, as well as work (meh) and my recent fitness mission. I hit around 230 lbs last year and decided it was time for me to get un-fat, so I started working out hard (if anyone's looking for a good program to get on hit me up. I'll send u the link to the routine/meal plan I use) and eating right and am around 185 at the moment. No sleep til' six pack. I haven't played poker in forever. i don't think I remember how. What's up here?
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Livin' the dream baby.Anyway, I honestly totally forgot about this place for a long time, or else I would've been back to say hi a while ago.I've been relatively busy with the band I'm in, as well as work (meh) and my recent fitness mission. I hit around 230 lbs last year and decided it was time for me to get un-fat, so I started working out hard (if anyone's looking for a good program to get on hit me up. I'll send u the link to the routine/meal plan I use) and eating right and am around 185 at the moment. No sleep til' six pack. I haven't played poker in forever. i don't think I remember how. What's up here?
yeah i myself was gone for a good 3 years or so before i wandered back around only to find it mostly abandoned...nowadays i check in about every other day or whenever i have a spare minute before work or whatever, but like always, i rarely post anything, and when i do it has little to no actual contentanyways, congrats on the defattening process...about a year ago i did Insanity and got in pretty decent shape, but it was too intense to keep up with after the initial 9 weeks, and alas i have since gotten back out of shape again...i'm looking to find a program that i can fit into my busy life style (full time job and full time school leaves me little free time), will give me results, and is something i can make a habit out of doing so that i can stick with it and not relapse (i keep starting but find it quite easy to give up after a few days when my back is up against a deadline wall for school)
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