gkunit20 1 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Ooh, you're a huge ass hole.New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
Petoria 0 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Good post, very funny. Link to post Share on other sites
turd ferguson 1 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 This is funny. I still hate you. Link to post Share on other sites
evesixer 0 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 george carlin rocks. my favorite bit of his is "Stuff" Link to post Share on other sites
Golden 2 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 I hate to be the cynical ass, but Carlin has been saying on his website that all the stuff floating around attributed to him was not written by him. Link to post Share on other sites
turd ferguson 1 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 I hate to be the cynical ass, but Carlin has been saying on his website that all the stuff floating around attributed to him was not written by him.So what? Jesus says that too. Link to post Share on other sites
gkunit20 1 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Share Posted January 6, 2006 I hate to be the cynical ass, but Carlin has been saying on his website that all the stuff floating around attributed to him was not written by him.Link? Link to post Share on other sites
fryer98 30 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 I hate to be the cynical ass, but Carlin has been saying on his website that all the stuff floating around attributed to him was not written by him.I was gonna say that I don't believe this is his either. One reason: There's like 1 swear word in the whole thing. Link to post Share on other sites
gkunit20 1 Posted January 6, 2006 Author Share Posted January 6, 2006 I got it in an e-mail from my mom. She probably watered it down. Link to post Share on other sites
mrdannyg 274 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 funny stuff, thanks Link to post Share on other sites
fryer98 30 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 I got it in an e-mail from my mom. She probably watered it down.I got the same email the same day you posted it. It was exactly the same, word-for-word. Link to post Share on other sites
matthew r 0 Posted January 6, 2006 Share Posted January 6, 2006 new rules is bill maher's bit, NOT CARLIN Link to post Share on other sites
Golden 2 Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 http://www.georgecarlin.com Link to post Share on other sites
milestodavid 0 Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 regardless of who's it is, it's still hilarious. Link to post Share on other sites
matthew r 0 Posted January 7, 2006 Share Posted January 7, 2006 http://www.georgecarlin.comum, ok. and... i dont see anything on his page resembling what was posted.whereas on the other hand, i specifically recall bill maher using the following joke in his regular segment called "NEW RULES" on his HBO show "real time with bill maher"New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men."also, bill maher has a book called "new rules"hmmmmmmmmhttp://www.amazon.com/gp/product/159486295...=books&v=glancecheck and mate. Link to post Share on other sites
Golden 2 Posted January 10, 2006 Share Posted January 10, 2006 Carlin's site was posted to show that he has been saying that he DID NOT write any of the crap on the web. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now