My Story Of An Addiction To Poker (very Long)

[Willing 2 Die 0]

I am 29 years old, live in St. Louis, MO and i have a gambling problem with poker.This is the first time that i have ever admitted this to myself. Its been a long road for me since i started playing poker. I have been playing hold em since i was a junior in college at the University of Missouri- Columbia in the year 2000, before poker became what it is today. Back then, my roommates at my fraternity house (it wasn't really a fraternity, it was a scholarship house, so i don't consider myself a frat guy) played limit hold 'em, and i decided to join the fun. Back then, none of us knew how to play the game. But it was fun for me to beat the guys (that i hated really) at a game of their choice and it felt good. I never won more then $30 bucks or so, but the thrill of winning felt good.After i turned 21, i went to Ameristar Casino (back then it was called Station Casino) to play poker in their smoke-filled poker room. I remember the first time i played, i was so nervous. The game was 3-6 limit. Their were people that had just got off work to play, and a truck driver sitting next to me on my right. I bought in for $80 or so. I played for about a couple hours, and the biggest hand i picked up was pocket Aces and made trip Aces on the flop against a player's KK who made trip Kings on the flop. Big pot. I told myself i would come back and play again.The next time i played, i bought in for $100. Shortly after i buy in, i limp $3 with A9ss. It got raised PF and practically the whole table called. Flop was all spades. checks around, pf raiser bets, couple people call, someone raises, i flat, everyone calls. Turn, brick. Ep bets, i raise, LP raises, and practically the whole table is calling my 4 bet. River, meaningless. Everyone calls my bet. I can't remember all the details but long story short, i rake a monster 3-6 limit pot, which was 4 racks of chips, plus some greens and reds. I was hooked.I played off and on for awhile, and i always seemed to break even. Either i would win alot or i would lose alot, probably around $100-$150. That summer i told myself i would stop playing because i wasn't making any money at it.The next summer rolls around and i am now married, however my wife is taking college classes and living in another state, while i attempt to find a job and relocate where she is, because i am the only one working to support us. I feel lonely, as i don't have any friends in my hometown, and work at my 2nd job at the local restaurant sucks. So i decide to play poker one night after my 8-5 job. I start playing at 6pm and leave the casino at 3am, breaking even while playing 7 card stud. I told my wife what i had done, and she disapproved immediately. Where she comes from, gambling is frowned upon and she hated gambling. I told her i would stop. But after a couple of months, i had the urge to play again. So i asked my wife to relinquish me from the promise i made to her that i would not play again. After awhile, she conceded and allowed me to play. I played for a couple of more times at the casino, but again, i wasn't making any money so i stopped playing. This is the middle of 2002.Forward to next year, and Chris MoneyMaker and his plays are being broadcast on Espn. I watched like every episode that ESPN had at least 4-5 times. I wanted to play online now. I deposited $50 bucks on pokerstars and played .50- 1.00 limit, and their freerolls. I went busto several times before deciding again to stop, because at that time i figured that either i wasn't good enough to play poker, or there was too much luck involved to actually make money at it. I have always been good with money and saving it/ financial planning, etc, so whenever i felt like i was losing money i would stop. However, this time i decided i would play at the new poker room that opened up at Harrah's, now that i had watched the ESPN episodes and "knew" all the tells that players would give away and i would make some money now. The problem was how my wife felt about poker. She hated it because it was "gambling" and anytime that i would tell her i was going to the casino (maybe 1x a month) it would cause problems between us. After the first couple of times i played 3-6 limit again, i made a little money. So my new problem was finding out how to get out of the house to play poker more often, which led me to deceiving my wife and going to the casino without her knowledge. The first time was in November of 2004, and i would guess that i have gone to the casino without her knowledge to play poker at least 20 times from that point until now. After the first couple of times, i told myself that i wouldn't do it again, but guess what, i went back and did it again.From that November in 2004 to January 2006, i played strictly live 3-6 limit, and it was maddening. I would sit back and play tight as hell, and i would have a winning session once out of every three trips. I would have a couple in a row, and lose a couple in a row. Some of the losses were due to the fact that i loosened up towards the end of my session because i knew that i had to be back home at a certain time that i negotiated with my wife, and if i wasn't winning before, i wanted to win now, but my bad play would make me lose my chips quickly.At that time, I always told myself that i didn't have a gambling problem because i stuck to my limit of a $100-$150 buy-in, and i played at the most 2x a month. However, poker was in my head so much. It was like a habit that i had to get my fix, like smoking, i needed to feel the power that i could win a hand against someone, or read someone's betting pattern perfectly so that i could say that i DID call them down with pocket 4's and i owned them, because in reality, i had never accomplished anything in my life that i felt satisfied with, or maybe it was because i was so depressed and empty inside that poker was there to fill my needs and be there for me when no one else was.It was like a heavyweight fight that started inside my head that was out of control. On one side there is Poker, and the other side is my moral sense and obligation to be honest with my spouse, who after all had no idea that i was going to the boat without her knowledge, and that i was bringing with me over $100, when in fact i had agreed to only bring $50. If i would bring anything over $50, then it was the end of the discussion, and no chance of going to the boat. I told myself "There's no ****ing way i'll be able to do anything with just $50, so i'll just keep it a secret that i'm bringing a little more with me, and it won't hurt her to not know that." I also started to convince myself that my deception with going to the boat at times would not hurt my wife because i was only doing that once in a while, and not alot. LOL, when your brain starts to rationalize behavior like that, it is a warning sign of worser things to come.One night, i decided to sit down and figure how much exactly i was down in limit poker over a year and a half, or about 20-25 sessions. I was down about $1500. I felt sick. How could i just gamble that money away, i wondered? I told myself that i was going to own up to everything and tell my wife what i had done. But i decided not too, because i assumed my wife would leave me or never trust me again with anything if i did. So i kept quiet, and worked out an agreement in my head with myself (that sounds pretty weird doesnt it?) that if i played again, it would only be online, and it would be for freerolls, etc, something cheaper.In late 2005, i had my first child. I stopped going out to the casino and started playing freerolls, etc online. I played at Pit Bull Poker. There were times that i went downstairs in my unfinished basement with dust and debris everywhere to play poker freerolls with my 2 month old daughter in my arms while i was playing. Thats just something a normal thinking person would'nt do. On car rides home, my young daughter would always fall asleep, as i got home around 2:30p (an unusual work schedule) and i remember taking her inside, laying her down and going to the computer. I just looked for every opportunity to play poker online even if it wasn't for money. Its ironic that i wasn't even playing for money now and my gambling problem was becoming worse.Towards the middle of 2006, I decided to start playing a site called CD Poker, which offered me $20 just to join. I would use better BR management and play 5 NL. I eventually worked it up to $200. After awhile, i would work that $200 up to $500. I cashed out. I started to play 50 NL and with $200 and cashed out several more times. Eventually i would cash out $1,600 from CD poker, recovering from my losses before. CD Poker shut down in September of 2006 because of the government ban on online Poker. I started to brag about my winnings and used them as an excuse to keep playing with my wife and mother still in disapproval "Look, i'm making money with poker, its not the big deal you make it out to be." Every time a new check would roll in, i would show it them as if to say, "I told you so."I have to mention that during this time, i noticed my relationship with my wife becoming more distant. I would play in some afternoons and evenings when my wife would go to bed, and my brain would excuse it by saying "Well, you are not playing when you are around your wife or when she is awake, so why is it a big deal?" I would convince my wife that she cannot stop me from playing if i was making money (i had the proof now) and if i was only playing during the time that she was sleeping. This was unacceptable to her though, because she felt we were losing time together as a "couple." I couldn't comprehend this. I told her, "What difference does it make if i play at 10pm because you are sleeping anyways! I'm not playing when we have time together during the evening, i'm only going downstairs during the evening...God, you are so unreasonable!" Eventually i would convince my wife that a couple of times during the week in the evening would be ok as a compromise. But this never worked. There were always nights when i would tell my wife that i was going downstairs, and she would groan and complain, even if i had not played for 3-4 days in a row. And this would lead to arguments about me playing. And then there were times that i played 3-4 days in a row because i was either doing well, or i wanted to play more to recoup my losses from prior sessions. It was starting to get very bad. Keep in mind, that at the time, i'm hardly winning or losing any money. But i was spending at least 12-15 hours a week on my obsession.I put money online at Pokerstars, and i swear to god, i racked up 8000 fpps playing 50 NL and i was breakeven for like 40k hands i guess. I was 4 tabling and playing very weak tight poker. I wasn't making any money. Finally i had a breakout night, ran my account to $800. I started to play even more, and within one week i busted my account playing 50 NL. I finally decided that if i was going to keep playing poker, i would study the game and come back strong. I read HOH 1 and 2 and started playing sngs. I started crushing the micro limits, and i made about another $1200 from them. Then i dabbled back into cash and learned or thought i learned to play LAG, and played 10 NL and made about 40 buy ins in about 30k hands. Poker was going good but life was not. I was wasting too much time with poker, playing micro stakes for nothing, and here i could be spending this time with my wife and child. I was losing sleep during the week, and i was dead tired during work days and couldn't concentrate because i had been up playing poker until 2am the night before.I started to get tired of playing online and wanted to play live 1-2 NL. I played a couple of times without my wife's knowledge this past september, and i started off white hot, making about $800 in 4 sessions. I was convincing myself more and more that i could become invisible at this game, and that i could make so much money. I took a sick day on a friday and played no limit at the boat and lost $150. I came home and acted like everything was ok, and asked my wife that i'd like to play at the Casino that night, since i had not played in several weeks. She ok'd it, and i went. So that night, this hand happened, which eventually led to this.Because i made like $3,000 in my first 7-8 sessions playing live, this was big trouble for me. I was hooked playing live. I would only play about 2x a month, but my craving for poker made me continue to deceive my wife (and my job) and go to the boat to play when i was supposed to be working. I didn this about 3-4x in a matter of 2 months. A cold streak hit, and i was about breakeven for 8 sessions. Then i started losing. I had 3 crappy sessions and i went to the casino during work hours and played this hand. So after about 18 sessions, i was up about $1700. I still felt sick though at all the money i had lost, how quickly i had lost it, and that my wife knew nothing about it. I would console myself and say that because that was still up, that it was a non-issue. Finally, after a session in late Feburary for another -300, i told myself that i was done with poker and that i would quit altogether. I told my wife that i had lost $300 instead of the agreed $200 limit that i had set for myself (long story short, once i started bringing home more money i told her my limit had to be $200, i know its ****ed up) and she told me that if i ever played poker again, that she would leave me, that i had to make a choice between poker and my family.I banned myself from Pokerstars for two months. I should have banned myself for a year. I had no desires to play at the casino, but i did have cravings to play online, to give it another shot since after all i made a decent amount of money before. After the two months was up, i played one night, and i banned myself again for a month. A month came up this past weekend. I started to play again, and i played out of my bankroll. I ran up a small amount (over a grand) and lost it 4 tabling 100 NL. I don't even have PAHUD so i cant honestly keep track of the players. How ****ing dumb is that.I emailed Pokerstars and had them close my account. I still have not had any desires to play live at the casino since i last went in Feburary. I am selling my poker books and getting rid of anything that has to do with poker in my house. I am currently seeing a therapist, i saw him this past monday for my second session. I wasn't ready at the time to admit to having a gambling problem, but i am ready to admit it now. He gave me gambler's anonymous' #, and i am going to contact them today. Whatever actions i can do to prevent any further slide into this obsession with this game of poker that has caused me so much mental anguish and family pain, i'm going to do them. That includes precluding myself from visiting this site. Every day at work, i sit at my desk bored from not having anything to do, i visit this site. I followed the Challenge thread every day since i banned myself and wonder how everyone is doing in their poker ventures. I had small dreams again of turning it all around, possibly sacrificing my family, my 2 and half year old, and the baby that i have on the way, for this stupid game. Just a game. And throughout the last three months, it did not help me and made my poker cravings come back. So, i will make this post as my last post, unless any questions come up that would be best answered. If anyone has any questions or would like to have someone to talk with in confidence by email at Fenn2kb@hotmail.com please don't hesitate to talk to me or someone else if you feel you may be developing a problem. And try not to look at it from the perspective that you are making money, if you are losing time elsewhere in your life, whether it be with friends, your family, or your job, then it is a gambling problem. Don't make the same mistakes as i have made. Family is more important. Thanks for reading.

[mhoward29 0]

1st, now reading.

[r0llin_game 1]

1st, now reading.

bahhh 2ndglglgl w/ the problem, seeing that you are seeking help is a huge step! GL!

[cardcore 0]

If I only lost $1500 over a year and a half, I'd be an extremely happy man.I don't see gambling excessively as a problem, I see it as a job perk!

[Suited_Up 2]

I am not saying you don't have a problem, because lying about it not only to your family, but your job, that's clearly an issue. But I can't help but think that if your wife was more accepting and understanding about the game, that you wouldn't have had to lie about it and it might not have gotten to the point it is. While you might have some issues with the game, I think she's being a little out of line as well. I mean you're up lifetime am I right? That's usually not the sign of a huge problem. The lying is the problem. Seems like it could be solved with some understanding. That and setting realistic limits, and then sticking to them. Clearly $50, or even $200 isn't really realistic if you're playing live games.Edit: Though if this takes time away from your family, especially with a kid, then this might be the best choice for you. My viewpoint doesn't really take that into account, since I can't relate fully.

[Acid_Knight 2]

Sigh. Good luck.

[Yoda 1]

Divorce is the answer.

[Willing 2 Die 0]

I want to clarify my last statement a little if i may. I know that most professional poker players play online a ton. I know that they have to do this in order to make up losses, put in a quota for hands in a certain amount of time, have free time they need to kill,etc. The point that i wanted to make probably does not extend to the amount of time that you put into playing poker, but whether you have obsessive thoughts about playing that could be a problem. Speaking for myself, i obsessed with playing poker any free chance i could get, and i know that is very different than from how other people approach it.

[Willing 2 Die 0]

Sigh. Good luck.

I don't want to ask but i'm going to anyways. Why the sigh?

[Suited_Up 2]

I want to clarify my last statement a little if i may. I know that most professional poker players play online a ton. I know that they have to do this in order to make up losses, put in a quota for hands in a certain amount of time, have free time they need to kill,etc. The point that i wanted to make probably does not extend to the amount of time that you put into playing poker, but whether you have obsessive thoughts about playing that could be a problem. Speaking for myself, i obsessed with playing poker any free chance i could get, and i know that is very different than from how other people approach it.

I think most of us were that way early on, but after awhile it has faded quite a bit for me personally. In fact, now I sometimes like to do things other than poker in order to get into the right mindset to play.

[Acid_Knight 2]

I don't want to ask but i'm going to anyways. Why the sigh?

Just the whole situation. The lying. The unsupportive wife who should support you in what you want to do. The lying to yourself (or not realizing how good/bad you are). It's just that things like this, what you've done here, are one of the major reasons that people look down on poker as gambling. I know that it's a kind of gambling, but it's something that fits perfectly into your life if you do it in moderation and have the correct people around you.I dunno, just sigh I guess. I'm glad that you recognized that you have a problem and are gonna get something done about it. Lying and taking sick days from work to enable yourself to play is a pretty big problem. Just, best of luck getting your life back to where it should be.

[Jariso13 1]

Good luck man.

[Willing 2 Die 0]

Just the whole situation. The lying. The unsupportive wife who should support you in what you want to do. The lying to yourself (or not realizing how good/bad you are). It's just that things like this, what you've done here, are one of the major reasons that people look down on poker as gambling. I know that it's a kind of gambling, but it's something that fits perfectly into your life if you do it in moderation and have the correct people around you.I dunno, just sigh I guess. I'm glad that you recognized that you have a problem and are gonna get something done about it. Lying and taking sick days from work to enable yourself to play is a pretty big problem. Just, best of luck getting your life back to where it should be.

I understand what you mean exactly. Anybody that doesn't know much about poker is going to assume its straight gambling and not good for you. I think alot of well-rounded people that don't have emotional issues could crush the game and not form the same addictive traits to it as i have done. i have to give you credit for pointing out some of my life leaks several months back. I remembered what you said about asking for trouble (if i kept playing out of my BR) and just the comments about playing outside my BR were a wake up call of sorts....it was never explained to me like that before and i didn't realize it.This will take some time to get used to, but i think i can do it. Thanks for your support in the past and now.

[nutzbuster 7]

I think most of us were that way early on, but after awhile it has faded quite a bit for me personally. In fact, now I sometimes like to do things other than poker in order to get into the right mindset to play.

word brutha.I am no where near as obsessed as I used to be 7 or 8 years ago. Back then I used to sneak out of the house on the weekends, after Sylvia fell asleep, and drive 20 minutes to the indian casino, play for 3 hours, then haul ass back home before she woke up! LOLOLOL.And then I couldn't wait to get online and lose like 30 buy ins, it was such a rush.But now years later...that rush is long gone, no where near what it used to be. There is no more obsession. gl to the OP.but you'll never quit. Ever.

[Whatever 1]

Good luck. Sounds like you're on the right path.If you think you're beating yourself up now over not spending enough time with the kids just wait till they're 20+ and out of the house.

[StrippersNBlow 0]

It's obvious that poker is the underlying problem leading to to all the pain and anguish in your life. Best of luck treating your symptom.

[rdtedm 0]

Good, but not happy read. I've done many same things on a smaller degree, and I know how it can interfere with your life. I played 1/2NL with my net worth one day in college my freshman year, had a few straight winning sessions, and felt invincible. Then I lost $550 in one session at the same game. One of the worst feelings of my life.My girlfriend used to hate poker, but after we talked about it and she saw that it's not pure "gambling", she's ok with it as long as I'm not losing tons of money and I'm not completely ignoring her for it. It's all about compromise, and as someone else said, it doesn't seem like your wife has done much of that. Although, the lying and deceit obviously aren't great either.Good luck to you and your recovery process. As a notion of curiosity however, did you ever tell her about all the times you snuck out or how addicted you were?

[doublemeup 0]

I think there's a big difference with being obsessed with playing poker and obsessed with winning at poker.

[mtdesmoines 3]

It's obvious that poker is the underlying problem leading to to all the pain and anguish in your life. Best of luck treating your symptom.

l.o.l.

[SlapStick 0]

gl to the OP.but you'll never quit. Ever.

lol................

[Willing 2 Die 0]

Good luck to you and your recovery process. As a notion of curiosity however, did you ever tell her about all the times you snuck out or how addicted you were?

hey Ted.... no i have not told her any of that. I'm afraid of what the consequences could be for letting her know. I figured though that i could make it up to her without telling her what i did w/o her knowledge by keeping my promise to her and not playing anymore poker. Its going to be hard but i think i can do it. I did a good job for a month or so and then i started coming back to FCP so i gotta stop that from now on.

[Willing 2 Die 0]

It's obvious that poker is the underlying problem leading to to all the pain and anguish in your life. Best of luck treating your symptom.

I understand what you meant, and thanks for your support. Really, my problem might be more common then some people on here want to admit. I don't have many friends, I don't really get out much because i'm married, so i think poker has become something to keep me occupied and in that time i have become obsessed with it.I'm going to start replacing poker with more creative things to do in my life, such as writing, softball, heck i have even thought about playing baseball again recently.

[CBass1724 1]

What should the OP do?

Divorce is the answer.

^ ^ ^ ^ ^

[NoSup4U 0]

gl OP.I mostly wanted to chime in because of all the wife bashing. IMO if your wife doesn't want you to do something, then you shouldn't want to do it. I'm guessing the OP's wife has moral problems with gambling and thus disapproves of him playing. He picked his wife, he should be willing to work around any issues she has.Everyone says your wife should support whatever you want to do. I say, you should love your wife enough to not do stuff that makes her unhappy.Desire to keep wife happy even if she's being silly > desire to gambleIMO.MarkAlso IMO, if you always choose to put your wife first, and she always chooses to put you first, you basically never run into these issues.

[rdtedm 0]

I understand what you meant, and thanks for your support. Really, my problem might be more common then some people on here want to admit. I don't have many friends, I don't really get out much because i'm married, so i think poker has become something to keep me occupied and in that time i have become obsessed with it.I'm going to start replacing poker with more creative things to do in my life, such as writing, softball, heck i have even thought about playing baseball again recently.

I don't want to come off as rude, but is this what you really want? It seems to me that the ONLY reason you're giving up poker is that your wife hates it, but then you turn around and say you wanted to sneak out however many times, you don't have many friends and don't get out cause you're married. You should be enjoying married life! You shouldn't just have to give up things you enjoy doing because someone else hates them. Compromise, don't just give in. I'm not saying to start playing poker again, but I have a feeling that a lot of your issues come from your wife's personality/lack of compromise.