hblask 1 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the product increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - T hese men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please leave the building. To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited. Link to post Share on other sites
fryer98 30 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Why does a bride wear white?So the dishwasher matches the stove. Link to post Share on other sites
BDPoolie 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following Conversation took place: First guy:"You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy:"That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy:"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him."You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy:"I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge andsaid, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear sun-block." Link to post Share on other sites
Jeepster80125 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Why do women fake orgasms?Because they think we care. Link to post Share on other sites
breeze81 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, Ijust HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing isexcellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wantsa chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll haveto drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected toescort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have tosatisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment abovethe garage. The salary is $200,000 a year." The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! " The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it." Link to post Share on other sites
erac22 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Why can't Helen Keller drive?b/c she's a woman. ok i'll stop now. Link to post Share on other sites
Asimo 1 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Understanding a Woman We need REALLY MEANS I want You want REALLY MEANS You need It's your decision REALLY MEANS The correct decision should be obvious by now. We need to talk REALLY MEANS I need to complain Do what you want REALLY MEANS You'll pay for this later. You're ... so manly REALLY MEANS You need a shave and you sweat a lot. Sure... go ahead REALLY MEANS I don't want you to. I'm not upset REALLY MEANS Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're certainly attentive tonight. REALLY MEANS Is sex all you ever think about? I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! REALLY MEANS I'm on my period. Be romantic, turn out the lights. REALLY MEANS I'm Embarrassed This kitchen is so inconvenient REALLY MEANS I want a new house. You have to learn to communicate. REALLY MEANS Just agree with me. Yes REALLY MEANS No No REALLY MEANS No Maybe REALLY MEANS No I heard a noise REALLY MEANS I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? REALLY MEANS I'm going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? REALLY MEANS I did something you're not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute. REALLY MEANS Be patient I'll be a while. Am I a little fat? REALLY MEANS Tell me I'm beautiful. I'm sorry. REALLY MEANS You'll be sorry. Do you like this recipe? REALLY MEANS It's easy to fix, so get used to it. Was that the baby? REALLY MEANS Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby. I'm not yelling! REALLY MEANS Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. All we're going to buy is a soap dish REALLY MEANS Major shopping trip. Did you bring your checkbook? Link to post Share on other sites
fryer98 30 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."And this is sexist how? Link to post Share on other sites
breeze81 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 And this is sexist how?Only joke I could think of, so I though I would just slide it in and hope everyone laughed and continue on. Link to post Share on other sites
fryer98 30 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Only joke I could think of, so I though I would just slide it in and hope everyone laughed and continue on.Nah, I read the first 5 words and said "I've read this 234563463 times before and why is this in here?"Nice try though.What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?Nothing, you already told her twice! Link to post Share on other sites
breeze81 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Ok, heres one:Why shouldn't woman be allowed to have a driver license?Because there is no road from the kitchen to the bedroom. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeepster80125 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Nah, I read the first 5 words and said "I've read this 234563463 times before and why is this in here?"Nice try though.What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?Nothing, you already told her twice!I'm not that mean, but if I were, I'd tell the sick thread to FYP. Link to post Share on other sites
navybuttons 15 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 A man's wife is in a car accident.The man goes down to the hospital. When he gets there the doctor says that he has some bad news."She's in a bad way," says the doctor. "Most likely she won't be able to walk again, and won't be able to take care herself. You'll have to push her around. You'll have to do all the cooking and you'll have to feed her. Of course, she'll be unresponsive during sex, but she'll still have her period so you're gonna have to help her with that. She won't be able to control her functions so she's probably gonna shit and piss everywhere and you're gonna have to clean it. She obviously won't be able to clean herself, so you're gonna have to clean her too. She'll probably stink from being so dirty all the time.""My gosh," says the man, "that's terrible.""No, I'm just fucking with you," says the doctor, "she's dead." Link to post Share on other sites
LongLiveYorke 38 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 "No, I'm just fucking with you," says the doctor, "she's dead."Family Guy called, they want their joke back.Really, Long Live Yorke, a "(blank) called, they want their (blank) back" comment. I must be slipping. Link to post Share on other sites
LongLiveYorke 38 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 I like this one, though you've probably heard it before:A man's wife was in a car accident and went into a coma. A few weeks went by and the woman was unresponsive. Then one day, when the nurse was giving the woman a sponge bath, she gently rubbed the sponge around her crotch. As the sponge touched her vagina, the woman shivered and moaned a little. The nurse told the doctor what happened, and the doctor quickly called in the husband."We think we have an idea that may get your wife to wake up," the doctor said. "Apparently, sexual stimulation evokes a genuine response in her. We called you in because we believe that oral sex could be enough to wake her up."The man responded, "Oral sex? Okay, I'm willing to do it."So, the man walked into the room with his wife and closed the door behind him. A few minutes went by when suddenly the nurse and doctor are alerted that the woman's vital signs start to fall quickly. They yelled into the room and the man came running out, obviously terrified by his wife's worsening condition."What happened in there?" the doctor asked the man.He responded, "She choked." Link to post Share on other sites
TheRake_MD23 0 Posted July 25, 2007 Share Posted July 25, 2007 Thanks for the Wed. humor Link to post Share on other sites
navybuttons 15 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 Family Guy called, they want their joke back.i got it from gilbert godfrey or however you spell it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dirtydutch 8 Posted July 26, 2007 Share Posted July 26, 2007 i got it from gilbert godfrey or however you spell it.Yeah, maybe Family Guy did it, but that's an old, old, public domain-type joke. You can't call theft for using a joke like that. Link to post Share on other sites
hblask 1 Posted August 6, 2007 Author Share Posted August 6, 2007 Thought this was funny and appropriate for this thread. NOTE: The picture in this link is Not Safe For Work (NSFW). It has no nudity, just a profane word that starts with F that is quite common on these boards. So, here is a NSFW T-shirt Link to post Share on other sites
Seymour Bluffs 0 Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 Wife School Link to post Share on other sites
CBass1724 1 Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 Stop winging? What is that? Whining perhaps? Or Redwings reference? Link to post Share on other sites
gkunit20 1 Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.8. See if they could finally do the splits.7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.1. Finally find that damned G-spot.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.9. Get a blow job.8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.1. Repeat number 9...... Link to post Share on other sites
gkunit20 1 Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 HER DIARYTonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you too."When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried.I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.HIS DIARYToday the Giants lost, but at least I got laid. Link to post Share on other sites
jeff_536 3 Posted August 6, 2007 Share Posted August 6, 2007 Stop winging? What is that? Whining perhaps? Or Redwings reference?it's british. they say 'whinge' Link to post Share on other sites
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