George Carlin Prays To Joe Pesci

[keith crime 8]

Not a hater but this is Carlin's viewGEORGE CARLIN ON RELIGIONIn the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy ****!But I want you to know something, this is sincere, I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is ****ed up.Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of **** you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago. And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man.No woman could or would ever **** things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a ****. Doesn't give a ****, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a ****, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on.And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend. But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to **** that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the clubfoot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan?Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down shmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and **** up Your Plan?And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will." "Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the **** bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't **** around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that ********** out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.And for those of you who look to The Bible for moral lessons and literary qualities, I might suggest a couple of other stories for you. You might want to look at the Three Little Pigs, that's a good one. Has a nice happy ending, I'm sure you'll like that. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood, although it does have that X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way.And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I like the best? "All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened, oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind, oh, now I'm okay again, must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe Bless You!

[DanielNegreanu 141]

Carlin can be a funny guy, but this was a little nuts. There are so many places to start with this one... I think I'll just pass, lol.

[keith crime 8]

I'm cool with that - thanks for not banning meAs Bill Hicks said about two men who confronted him after a show"We don't like What you said about Jesus."Hicks: Then forgive me. ... later when I was hanging from a tree

[crowTrobot 2]

Carlin can be a funny guy, but this was a little nuts. There are so many places to start with this one... I think I'll just pass, lol.

there is nothing nuts about the first part of what he says. if the christian god exists he obviously isn't interested in us believing in him (of course with the exception of those who brainwash themselves with false rationalization into thinking he is) or more people would believe.

[Mattnxtc 0]

there is nothing nuts about the first part of what he says. if the christian god exists he obviously isn't interested in us believing in him (of course with the exception of those who brainwash themselves with false rationalization into thinking he is) or more people would believe.

haha why b/c ur "perfect" god would be different...

[theresa113 0]

In the early 60s, my mom and dad were hanging out in a coffee shop (that is where the beatniks use to go) and there was this funny guy hanging out with the group of people my parents were with. This is down in South Florida. My mom laughed so much. Six months later, she was watching the Mike Douglas show (kind of like Ellen, but a guy) and George Carlin was on. This was when he was first breaking into show business. Anyway, my parents have always been fans of George Carlin. I know some people reading this may feel that George Carlin crossed the line. My personal belief is that God has a great sense of humor. First of all, we have the ability to laugh. Do you know of any other organism that has that ability? So, if God made us in his likeness, I feel that he can laugh and does so often. How else can you explain creatures like the platypus? As a higher power, I can't see God ever getting offended or not getting a joke. Anyway... just my 2 cents. Cool Carlin post if you ask me.

[crowTrobot 2]

So, if God made us in his likeness, I feel that he can laugh and does so often. How else can you explain creatures like the platypus?

"The Platypus (Ornithorhynchus anatinus) is a unique Australian species. Along with echidnas, Platypus are grouped in a separate order of mammals known as monotremes, which are distinguished from all other mammals because they lay eggs. The fossil record for monotremes is poor in comparison to that of other groups of mammals, and until recently little was known about their evolutionary history. Several fossil discoveries since the early 1970s have shed some light on the origins of monotremes. We now know that monotremes were present in Australia during the Mesozoic Era, when Australia was still part of the supercontinent, Gondwana. The fossil evidence suggests that monotremes originated and diversified in the Australian/Antarctic section of Gondwana, and that there was only a single dispersal to South America before the break up of Gondwana. Four species related to Platypus have been found in fossil deposits from Australia, including a complete skull of Obdurodon dicksoni and an opalised jaw fragment of Steropodon galmani. The latter is 110 million years old and represents one of Australia's oldest mammals. The only evidence that Platypus ancestors were once present outside Australia came in 1991, when a 61 - 63 million year old fossil tooth was found in Patagonia, in southern Argentina. Studies of these fossils indicate that the one remaining living species of Platypus is more specialised than its predecessors. It is smaller, its functional teeth have been replaced by horny pads and other aspects of its anatomy appear simpler. It also appears to have a more restricted distribution, being confined to the river systems of eastern Australia. "

As a higher power, I can't see God ever getting offended or not getting a joke.

if you're talking about a generic "higher power" that's one thing, but the vengeful christian god of the bible (if he actually existed) probably wouldn't find much humor in blasphemy.

[keith crime 8]

cool reply nice douglas explation except both Mike and Merv were gayer than ellennot that there is anything wrong with that

[Greentvdinner 0]

I used to enjoy George Carlin, even went to see him once when he came to my home town. But from what I have seen of him lately, he has turned into a cranky old man who whines and complains about everything. Although the above diatribe is remotely amusing, most of what he does now is not funny at all. It is really sad to see such a great talent turning so crusty and arrogant.

[keith crime 8]

commen complaint about george here is my rebuttalCarlin isn’t like Bruce because he’s profane. He’s like Bruce because he is fascinated with words and enraged at the way they are used to keep people down. There’s a group of people that wish that George was satisfied with just being clever. His examination of the slang in baseball and football is funny and very clever. Why can’t George just stick with the clever jokes? Why has he become so bitter? Frankly, the more bitter he gets the more he inspires me. It takes guts to go on television and tell people that Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or whatever your cult of preference is makes as much sense as worshiping trees. Excising the religious from your demographic isn’t how Jerry Seinfeld got his 704th Porsche. **** the bemused comics and bring on the guys who are angry. So Baseball versus Football, fun and amusing, but his analysis of how the people in power manipulate our words to keep us stupid, brilliant and inspiring!“I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protest themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse. I'll give you an example of that. There's a condition in combat. Most people know about it. It's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to its absolute peak and maximum. Can't take anymore input. The nervous system has either snapped or is about to snap. In the First World War, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables, shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was seventy years ago. Then a whole generation went by and the Second World War came along and that very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn't seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock! Battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea, 1950. Madison Avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called operational exhaustion. Hey, were up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It's totally sterile now. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course, came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it shell shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha.”Actually, though the funniest thing I ever heard Carlin say was on the Tonight Show, and it’s a wonder that he got away with it at the time. In much the same way that All in the Family could probably never exist in today’s politically correct world he’d probably be lynched had he said it in front of Jay Leno rather than Johnny Carson. I’m paraphrasing but basically George talked about how he and Richard Pryor were contemporaries, and how Richard had a heart attack, and then George had a heart attack. Then Richard had another heart attack, which George again followed with one of his own. “Then Richard lit himself on fire and I said the hell with that and had another heart attack!”