I'm In A Good Mood.

[Tehtoe 3]

I'm in a good mood tonight, so I'll stake 3 people into either the 2.20 MTT at 20:15 or the 2.20 4 max quintuple shootout at the same time. No post requirements, just post a joke and tell me which you'd rather play. GL!

[onlyme386 0]

I'm in a good mood tonight, so I'll stake 3 people into either the 2.20 MTT at 20:15 or the 2.20 4 max quintuple shootout at the same time. No post requirements, just post a joke and tell me which you'd rather play. GL!

if you get the cheating wife/stationary bike/refrigerator joke ignore it!

[James D 0]

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?'' The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

[Nvrquit 0]

not a joke but wtf?? Man arrested for 'having sex with lamp-post'Telegraph (UK) ^ | 3/6/2008 | Bonnie MalkinPosted on 03/08/2008 8:47:46 AM PST by fweingartA 32-year-old man has been arrested in Wiltshire for allegedly simulating a sex act with a lamp-post.The incident is the latest in a spate of bizarre sex crimes involving inanimate objects.(See articles that follow)The incident was witnessed by children.A police spokesman said officers were called to a road in the town of Westbury on February 16 after they received a report of a man acting indecently outside a block of flats "occupied by several young women".When they arrived they arrested him on suspicion of outraging public decency.The man was released on bail, but following an investigation into the incident and several interviews with witnesses - including children - he was recalled for questioning. He has since been re-released pending further inquiries.The Wiltshire police spokesman said: "We are awaiting a decision as to whether there should be a prosecution".The incident echoes a similar case last week when a Polish contractor was caught on his knees with a vacuum cleaner in a hospital staff canteen.A security guard walked in on the man in the middle of a compromising act with the Henry Hoover appliance. He later claimed he was cleaning his underpants. He has now been fired.Last year, Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down when two cleaners walked in on him at the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland.He paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".------------------------------------------------Worker caught having sex with Henry HooverBy Megan Levy Last Updated: 2:38am GMT 04/03/2008A Polish worker has come up with an unusual excuse after being caught in the act with a vacuum cleaner.How About That: More weird news from around the world The building contractor claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry Hoover when he was found naked and on his knees in a hospital's staff canteen.The man claimed he was cleaning his underpants with Henry HooverA stunned security guard stumbled onto the man in the middle of a compromising act with the cleaner, which has a large smiley face painted on its front and a hose protruding from its "nose".According to the Sun, the contractor was supposed to be locking up the building site near the Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital where his firm is refurbishing administration offices.The security guard, suitably horrified, told the man to "clean himself and the hoover" before asking him to leave and informing his bosses.When later questioned by his employers, the man said he was vacuuming his underpants, which was "a common practice in Poland". He has since been fired.The man's employers, HG Construction, told The Sun: "That behaviour is not acceptable, though it gave a few people a laugh".Henry Hoover is described on a cleaning website as "famous for its looks, but under its fascia lies a powerful, reliable vacuum cleaner ready to go time and time again."The man is not the first person to be caught in the act with an inanimate object.Last year, Robert Stewart was placed on probation for three years after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down when two cleaners walked in on him at the the Aberley House Hostel in south west Scotland.He paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex". The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems.

[Tehtoe 3]

I'll need your Stars names and cities too.

[StupidKid 0]

Lawls.During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar/poker room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender."Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man.With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!".Stupidkid888 (Sheffield), Gamboool @ 4max?

[drcossack 0]

drcossack (Scranton)2.20 MTTand:A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a ......?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out, "I'm...a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what do you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I am working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). "I am also involved in videography (camcorder at the birthday parties and soccer matches), and certain aspects of chemistry (Two ways to look at this: Fixing a decent meal, and making sure that my kids and their siblings, friends, and dates all get along, without getting along TOO well.) But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab Assistants---ages 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......" Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door. I only wish I had my camcorder there to tape all that.

[James D 0]

I'll need your Stars names and cities too.

It's ok, no stake required... just fancied telling a joke though.But, I'll barrage the 2.20 with you guys anyway.

[Nvrquit 0]

nvrquit29 victoriamtt

[RuntCake 0]

Just went busto from $300 plus on PS and Stars playing for WSOP seats...could use a restart. (Does that count as a joke?)RuntCake on both.CHEERS!Two guys walk into a bar, the third guy ducks.

[Tehtoe 3]

Lawls.During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar/poker room one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender."Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man.With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!".Stupidkid888 (Sheffield), Gamboool @ 4max?

lolz that's great. Shipped.

[Poker Addict 0]

I'm in a good mood tonight, so I'll stake 3 people into either the 2.20 MTT at 20:15 or the 2.20 4 max quintuple shootout at the same time. No post requirements, just post a joke and tell me which you'd rather play. GL!

Hey Toe...Glad to hear you're in a good mood, go pwn soles on the tables!

[Tehtoe 3]

drcossack (Scranton)2.20 MTTand:A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school, another mother I knew well rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation. "Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer - and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for her question. It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her "occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "Do you have a job, or are you just a ......?" "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "And what is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out, "I'm...a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in mid-air, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what do you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said indoors and out). I am working for my Masters (the whole darned family) and already have four credits (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is more like it). "I am also involved in videography (camcorder at the birthday parties and soccer matches), and certain aspects of chemistry (Two ways to look at this: Fixing a decent meal, and making sure that my kids and their siblings, friends, and dates all get along, without getting along TOO well.) But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab Assistants---ages 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy. And I had gone down on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another......" Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door. I only wish I had my camcorder there to tape all that.

nvrquit29 victoriamtt

Shippled, that story made me laugh.

[Nvrquit 0]

ty sir. In!

[Sportsmack 0]

LOL, where were all these jokes for the $11 20K?

[onlyme386 0]

LOL, where were all these jokes for the $11 20K?

qfmft i wanted more horsies

[StupidKid 0]

Lol.That was fun.AJdd on button, super donk BB calls.A36r flop, get it in, he has 45. I lose 1000 thereI have AA, raise to like 180 pre because I know super donk will call.I get it in vs him again with 78 on a K96 flop. GG me.Sorry toeee

[Nvrquit 0]

sorry sir, thought i woulda won this handPokerStars Game #16323210162: Tournament #81874246, $2.00+$0.20 Hold'em No Limit - Level IV (50/100) - 2008/03/28 - 21:12:23 (ET)Table '81874246 1' 9-max Seat #2 is the buttonSeat 1: tator4me (8186 in chips) Seat 2: Ontario52 (3134 in chips) Seat 3: trollcan (3165 in chips) Seat 4: daarongraff (10382 in chips) Seat 5: zig2050 (2920 in chips) Seat 6: Binkie001 (4115 in chips) Seat 7: Nvrquit29 (2220 in chips) Seat 8: Bergyshow82 (3993 in chips) Seat 9: Eend010 (7675 in chips) trollcan: posts small blind 50daarongraff: posts big blind 100*** HOLE CARDS ***Dealt to Nvrquit29 [Jc As]zig2050: folds Binkie001: folds Nvrquit29: calls 100Bergyshow82: folds Eend010: folds tator4me: folds Ontario52: folds trollcan: calls 50daarongraff: checks *** FLOP *** [Ah Ac 4c]trollcan: bets 100daarongraff: raises 100 to 200Nvrquit29: raises 1920 to 2120 and is all-introllcan: raises 945 to 3065 and is all-indaarongraff: folds *** TURN *** [Ah Ac 4c] [Td]*** RIVER *** [Ah Ac 4c Td] [9c]*** SHOW DOWN ***trollcan: shows [Ts Ad] (a full house, Aces full of Tens)Nvrquit29: shows [Jc As] (three of a kind, Aces)trollcan collected 4740 from pot*** SUMMARY ***Total pot 4740 | Rake 0 Board [Ah Ac 4c Td 9c]Seat 1: tator4me folded before Flop (didn't bet)Seat 2: Ontario52 (button) folded before Flop (didn't bet)Seat 3: trollcan (small blind) showed [Ts Ad] and won (4740) with a full house, Aces full of TensSeat 4: daarongraff (big blind) folded on the FlopSeat 5: zig2050 folded before Flop (didn't bet)Seat 6: Binkie001 folded before Flop (didn't bet)Seat 7: Nvrquit29 showed [Jc As] and lost with three of a kind, AcesSeat 8: Bergyshow82 folded before Flop (didn't bet)Seat 9: Eend010 folded before Flop (didn't bet)

[SilvrHairDevil 0]

I have a joke or two... heard this one?Two guys adrift for weeks on a life raft in the South Pacific have run out of water, no food... they're perishing. Guy in the front of the boat looks over the side - there's a bottle and he snags it out, opens it.Out pops a genii, who heaves a huge sigh and announces: Centuries in there I have been. Giving you one wish only, I am and be quick about it 'cause I'm outta here after that.Guy in the back of the boat says: I want all the beer in the world!POOF - the whole ocean turns to beer and the genii disappears.Front guys says: Smooth, Einstein - now we gotta piss in the boat.

[tuckermitchell 1]

Shippled, that story made me laugh.

wtf R U DRUNK TOO?

[Tehtoe 3]

wtf R U DRUNK TOO?

Erm, no. I was last night.