My Impression of Poker Blogs

I only read a couple blogs regularly, but I always check in to see what Doyle has to say. He can be funny, opinionated, and sometimes a bit controversial. In keeping up with his recent blogs I’m totally convinced that he’s dun’ lost his mind! Budapest? Are you serious Doyle? This man is traveling around the world like he’s 19 years old and on the hustle looking for a poker game. Now, I’m 35 and pretty used to traveling but it wears on me when I go on back-to-back trips, especially overseas.
Doyle… quit it! You are making us all look bad! Doyle says he’d be willing to pay everything he owns just to be young again, but I think he’d make a fortune bottling up those “Brunson genes” and selling them. he’s gonna live till he’s 148.
Think about it: Doyle is not young. He plays poker all night (and wins against kids), while nibbling on candy and chocolate, chills at night clubs till 5:00am, does book signings, seminars, appearances for his site… there is something inhuman about that man. Seriously. Phil Hellmuth: I can’t miss a Hellmuth blog, they are just way too funny, and now he is video blogging from his I-Phone. One of them was real special. It reminded me of that old Stuart Smalley skil on SNL “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough… and dog gone it, people like me.”
Most of his written blogs go something like this: I’m in a limo with Dom Perrignon and am texting Michael Phelps about hanging out. I’m Phelps’ favorite, he loves me more than his medals. In fact, he told me he’d give me one of his medals if I’d sleep with him, but Phelps is not my type, although a sex tape would probably make me more famous….hmmm? No, wait a minute, I get the ladies baby, they are all over me when I go out. I’ve been working out and I’m pretty buff so I can see why they just pass out when I walk in a room in my Caesar costume showing off my tiny nipples. I just landed in LA to do a show and then go to a “VIP” night spot for celebrities and important people, it’s not for just regular people. You have to be really, really, cool to get in. I hear Ivey tried to get in, but couldn’t. That’s probably because I have 11 bracelets and he doesn’t. I’m by FAR the best NLH tournament player in the world and it’s not even close. Most celebrities and important people know that, I think, and that’s why they all want me to hang out with them and give speeches about how amazing I am and stuff. I mean, I have to give the people what they want right? In fact, I ran into Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the airport and they must have been in awe of me. They walked right by me and didn’t say hi or anything. I’m sure they were just trying to respect my privacy, because I get mobbed everywhere I go. They understand what it’s like for people like us. You can’t have a normal life with paparazzi always hounding you. It’s the price you pay I guess… After the club I’m going to stay at the very best hotel in LA. It’s where all the top stars stay so I figured I should also stay there since I’m the greatest poker player in the world. Oh, and I can’t forget to mention every single celebrity I know. I kno how much you guys like hearing me drop some names so I won’t disappoint! People that hung out with me this month: Shaquille O’Neal, McCauley Caulkin, the guy from that Dove commercial that laughs at the end, Gary Coleman, the back up guitarist for the Beatles, Vanilla Ice, New York (from I Love New York), Scott Baio, Tonya (from the Real World), and oh! almost forgot, Tonya Harding and I are doing an event where we teach kids about sports ettiquette and fair play! I am a great guy and like to “give back” to the people less important than me.
Phil Hellmuth…out. A few random blogs: Roy Winston Borgata! Borgata! Borgata! I love me some Borgata! If the Borgata casino was a dude, Roy would perform fellatio on him daily. Ok, we get it. You like the Borgata. You like playing smaller tournaments. You want the buy ins to be lowered… what you fail to realize is that participation in poker tournaments globally is increasing, not diminishing. The difference is that there are more events and more options. Just recently there was an event in Asia, one in LA, one in Russia, one in Cyprus , one in Barcelona, as well as the record breaking WCOOP event on PokerStars.
Would I rather play a 1000 player field for $3500 or a 400 player field for $10,000? You are right, it IS a simple choice… I’d rather play in the $10,000 event. I kinda like a bigger prize pool. As long as there are satellites, $10,000 buy in events will be just fine.
Alec Torelli: Dang bro how deep is you??? You are too young to think so much! I always thought my blogs were too long, but dude, chop off 100 words a week, take it slow, kinda like LifeSign, and get back to under 38,000 words per blog! I can’t keep up. Shannon Shoor: How they picked Zigmund for the NBC invitational over me I’ll never understand.. I’m a better player, have that southern charm ladies love, and I have way better pecks than that little pip squeak! Adam jJnglen: Haven’t written a blog in a while… Haven’t been sleeping well because Shaun Deeb keeps me up with all his late night partying and 42 tabling… Played three tournaments this week: 1. KJ>AA busto, 2. Top set versus bottom pair busto 3. I I 3xed from CU for 14% stack, got reshoved and cold called by BB who had 38 BB’s and is an MTT regular, I insta, sb insta-reshoves. They both show KK… sigh AA busto, bubbled all three events. If they wrote a blog it might sound like this: Patrik Antonius:[ It’s so sick, like, last week I bought moisturizer to make sure my skin stays silky smooth and, like, they discontinue my brand. Now I have to fly back to Finland to see my doctor to make sure I don’t put any bad kind of cream on my face because you can’t trust, like, any brand. I won, like, 5 million last month and broke my mouse because I was so pissed off about running so bad. It’s sick. Like, if the cards ever break even I’m going to win so much money. I could have won like $10 million, so sick, I’m just frustrated. You just don’t understand how tough it can be to deal with. $5 million is not bad for some people, but my face cream is really expensive and I also pay my hairdresser a lo,t because I don’t trust too many people with my hair. It’s not easy to cut perfectly and I won’t go outside unless I look like perfect. So I’m basically screwed right now, a little bit depressed, but whatever, it could be worse… I guess 🙁 I’m going to go to the gym now for another 15 hour workout then eat some grilled chicken and a protein shake. I only worked out, like, 6 hours yesterday and I can already feel like I’m getting fat.
Phil Ivey: Ya. Um, I don’t have too much to say really. I mean, I went to this place and did this and that, but I can’t really talk about it. I can’t actually type this blog myself cause I don’t really know which buttons to press and I’m in 4 heads up games right now, so I have one of my crew doin’ the typing.
OK. That’s about it I guess.
And that wraps up my parody blog… hope you enjoy 🙂 ]]>