I’m Cooler than You
Charity Event, Busses, Trucks & Automobiles, Agnon Prince of Warriors, and Staged television that looks real:
Saturday’s charity tournament was a blast! Todd Brunson won the VIP event (and $39,000), and gave some back. Pretty sweet Todd, come out and support charity, get a double tax write off, and still make a pile of money! Todd is rich and so he’s expected to do these kinds of things because, frankly, being rich means that you are more important and special than the average person. Hey, I didn’t make the rules, but they suit me just fine! I, of course, am very rich and take private jets and limos regularly because that’s what us rich people do!!
We raised about $120,000 for the “Fallen Officers Foundation,” and I view that as a failure. I mean, seriously, when “I” show up to a charity event I always expect them to raise at least eleventy billion dollars otherwise I consider it a failure. I mean, do these people know who I am?? I can freakin’ dogde bullets and would also win every single poker tournament in the world if… well (fine print- luck weren’t involved).
On Sunday some rich people let me use their jet to LA, and I invited other rich and famous people to fly with me. Then, right before we took off from my own private airport with sponsored by “Pro Player in accordance with PH industries.”I called LA Laker’s owner Jerry Buss (I have him on speed dial and was actually personally responsible for the Shaquille O’Neal trade) and told him I was going to sit in his box for the Laker’s game vs. Orlando. Jerry offered me four front row seats in his box and when I didn’t ask for any more seats he made my day when he told me how proud he was of me for not imposing. Both Jerry and his partner Frank Mariani made a point of telling me that they were proud of me. Thanks guys, you made my day! The box is the second best place to watch after the floor seats. But it may be better, as the box has a full bar, a chef, celebs (NFL Legend Eric Dickerson was there). I’m currently working on a project that will blow that all away, though, it’s called the “PH” arena and we’ll be hosting the next 10 SuperBowls, and the World Series of Basesball will also take place after I win by 12th bracelet in the main event of the World Series of Poker. Not only that, we’ll have special nights for the fans:
PH Bobble Head Night
PH Dunk the Donkey Night
PH Dance off Competition- Beat PH (impossible) and you win an entry into the WSOP)
PH Kiss the Bracelet Night ($42 extra cover charge)
PH DVD giveaway
PH Poster Nght (for an extra $347 you get an 8 by 10 of me shirtless with my famous teenie, weenie nipples on display) Afterwards we went to the exclusive (you can only get in with a pass, which is exclusive to either really, really cool celebrities like me or rich people we should all bow down to) “Chairman’s Club” which is located right next to the locker room. I have seen the biggest stars in the world down there in past trips (stars in their own right, but nothing comparible to how HUGE I am of course). Scott, his girlfriend Pearl Aday, and a friend joined me for the Laker’s game. Speaking of which, the new band “Pearl” has an EP at iTunes that rocks!!!! Pearl is the lead singer and Scott plays the guitar-I will meet the rest of the band tonight, they have told me that their goal in life was to someday be in the presence of greatness and I felt like I’d be the guy to help, I mean, who else, right? I stayed at my favorite hotel, the Loew’s in Santa Monica. For those that don’t know, that hotel is super duper expensive and normal people can’t stay there, only REALLY rich people or famous people like me can stay there.
I was so far behind on sleep that I slept 13 hours Sunday night (rich people have the luxury of sleeping as long as they want because we are all so fabulous), grabbed a workout (to help show off my perky nipples by the pool), and then went over to Agnon’s LA house for some Dom Perignon. For those that don’t understand the significance of this Dom Perignon is what people of “status” or “celebrity” drink. It’s also what exotic dancers drink when they marry up and switch from “white zin” to that, “fancy, schmancy wine with bubbles and —-.”
Hanging out with him and his wife Amanda is just too much fun. They’re amazing people (they are rich of course). On one hand they’re world famous, and on the other hand they’re down to earth in the important ways.
They let the gardeners ACTUALLY come INSIDE the house on hot days for lemonade. Can you imagine the kind of sould these people must have to take it upon themselves to mingle with the “common folk” on such an intamite level. I was so impressed! I made sure to call my maid and say thank you, this year you’ll be getting a special gift for Christmas, a FREE case of ProPlayer energy drink along with a picture of ME, your favorite person in the world. I think they are going to love me even more than they already do. Yeah right, as if that was possible, LOL. They pray to me every night as is in our special PH prayer room!. Thank you PH for being born… thank you PH for dodging bullets… thank you PH for having such beatiful nipples! I look up to Agnon, like I look up to Duvie Westcott of the Columbus BlueJackets.: I mean, here are two guys that have conquered the world, but seem to know who they are and where they’re from. Mad respect to them both for their accomplishments, but even more for the people that they are. Westcott invented the one handed back handed slapshot from the point, patended the play, and then sold the rights to Alexei Kovalev and Jaromir Jagr for $500 million. What a genius! Agnon owned a show called “Malcolm in the Middle.” Personally I always felt like it would have had more appeal if he changed the name to something like, “PH in the middle of his 11 gold bracelets.” Nonetheless, he made well with it profitting billions. Again, had he went with the appropriate title he likely could have done much better, but that’s another story.
As for Duvie Westcott, on Monday night I took a limo (that shouldn’t surprise you by now but I’ll be sure to remind you every single time I choose a limo as my form of transportation) from Agon’s to Pechanga in Temecula to shoot the “Best damn poker Show.” When they orginally decided to air the show without me I sued them and won. I mean, how can you have a best damned poker show without THE poker ICON. Yes, ICON, that’s actually what people call me now. I originated the nickname to replace brat and I think it’s really starting to stick. Monday night through Thursday we shot non-stop, and it will be a hit! Annie and I screaming at each other, arguing with each other, etc. I was right 112% of the time, but I of course, am a poker ICON so it would be foolish to argue with me! The one thing that I’m most proud of from the three days was when I approached some of the disgruntled players that didn’t make the cut on the show. I simply wanted them to know that it wasn’t my decision to do some of the stuff that we did. And I wanted to shake their hands and apologize for my part in it. What I ran into was a few of them screaming at me, and a lot of anger. Instead of being a coward, I faced it straight on. I listened patiently to the screaming, because they were right! 100% right, and their anger was justified. I talked it through with them all, and even though they were still a little steamed up, everyone shook my hand, and everyone even told me how much they respected me. We originally planned on giving them all a lot of airtime, but in the end it just made no sense to have them on television instead of me at any point. So rather than air the pieces that they shot, we’ll instead be airing some mood music and a collage of pictures. All of those pictures, of course, are of me, but I think the producers all agreed that pictures of my nipples would get much better rating than… well, frankly, the SuperBowl. You might think that’s a stretch, but trust me, I’m a pretty big deal. In being the good will ambassador that I am, I gave them all of my shirts, hats, books, and DVD’s that I wanted to bring home with me to put in my personal shrine to me. I faced them head on, with respect, and acknowledged that they were right. I had one of my multi-brazillion dollar companies put $500 a piece into their accounts, I gave them all the swag I had with me, I bought four bottles of Dom out of my own pocket, and I turned a negative into a positive. I earned all of their respect, and that’s good enough for me. That’s just the PH way, what can I say, it’s good to be me! Lastly, I want to apologize to all those people who lead sucky lives and could never be me. It’s tough, I know, but trust me, it ain’t easy being this cool!!! (if you didn’t understand this joke, please visit www.philhellmuth.com and read his latest blog entry and it should all make sense to you 🙂 ]]>