[I Called In Sick Today]

I'm pretty sure christwire is satire.

Is there anybody who thinks, or could ever think, it's not? It's about as classically satirical as it gets. I mean, the article titles? And the voice the writers use is just so hilarious and perfect.

[I Called In Sick Today]

Serious Article:http://christwire.org/2010/08/is-my-husband-gay/

I was trolling around a few other articles on that site, and they are absolute gold. I found this quote (from Leviticus!) in an article about Dirty Girls:"You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord.” I have decided, just now, that I am going to follow as many sentences as possible today with identity-confirming proclamations. "You shall not bring chips forward into the pot and then not wager them, unless you first make a verbal declaration of your intentions: I am the Floor.""You shall not dress like that and expect not to get ogled or eventually raped in an alley: I am the guy saying what everyone else is thinking.""You shall hang out near the entrance of this well, because it's creepy down here and I might need you to bring me back up on short notice: I am the lowered."

[I Called In Sick Today]

I'm now depressed. Oh well.

May I suggest clicking the link I posted above?

[I Called In Sick Today]

I'm not sure if I ever posted this, but this is a video taken at my old poker room. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfURGo-TjDI Old black people.

[I Called In Sick Today]

You see, Bruce Lee goes to hell, teaches Popeye martial arts, and then beats up the Godfather. Tell me you don't want to see this.

I like the phrase "casket-boner."MK: I'll take a look tonight and get something to you by Sunday afternoon at the latest

[I Called In Sick Today]

You're studying accounting, yes? The more stories of yours I read, the more I'm certain that you're going to want to murder yourself when you get an accounting job.

Yah but I feel like that pretty much always. If I get a job in an office, I'll just, you know, put in for a transfer. "I know you hired me as an accountant, but I would like to be transferred to, let's say marketing."

yeah I bang hot chicks like constantly too I mean so what right strat?

You have... no idea how much I've missed you. I am giving you a big, no homo man hug right now.

[I Called In Sick Today]

The phrasing "even more uncomfortable" seems to imply a level of discomfort with normal relations. This strikes me as odd as most of you have been having relations far longer and more successfully than me. I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess things went swimmingly with the bastion of morality from your discontinued date story?

I'm going to be honest about something: I'm no longer terrible with women. If I walk into a social situation, a pretty good percentage of the female population will be interested in me after a few hours. I'm no longer hideously ugly, which helps, but the big thing is: I've got charisma. I've been denying this for a while, and finally, a few weeks ago, I realized that I've been basically lying. The simple truth is, I'm uncomfortable with the notion of myself as attractive. Many women think I'm kind of good looking, and they think I'm charming, and they think I'm funny, and, basically, they think I'm desirable. I... don't like that. First of all, it means I can't be the underdog anymore. I don't have to "wear them down" because all I have is "tenacity and sheer force of will (and large doses of force-fed alcohol)." Secondly, it means that if I'm not getting laid, I have only my laziness to blame. So I've been with my fair share of women, and probably a few other people's share, too. Despite this, I've always been slightly awkward with sex, and that has NOT gone away. It probably never will. So, yes: I experience a relatively high level of discomfort with normal sexual relations. As far as the discontinued date story: I am not exaggerating when I say that I spent about 20 hours trying to write up parts II and III, but I could never make it work. I'm serious. The only versions that work are, well... just not true. The problem is, in Part II, I finally realized what it is that women mean when they say, "You're intimidating." I've heard that, from time to time, and I never understood until halfway through my date with Jo. She was telling me what she's interested in -- The Supreme Court, Parliamentary Procedure, Ethics, Etc. -- and with NO EXCEPTIONS I knew more about the subject in question than she did. If we were talking about The Supreme Court, I would get excited and start talking about how fascinating the due process clause and process of incorporation are. If we were talking about ethics, I would get excited and quote Groundwork for the Metaphysics of Morals ("Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law"). No matter what came up, I would just want to share the stuff I found interesting. I didn't care whether she was familiar with the information or not. If she was, cool. If not, I'd take the chance to share and explain. By the end of the dinner, she was demoralized. At one point, she mentioned that her best skill was communication, and in her experience, men struggle to communicate, whereas women do not. Well, I'm probably the most gifted communicator this girl has ever met. I was just about to tell her, good news!, I can communicate quite well. Then I realized, I'd been accidentally showing her up all night. I honestly didn't MEAN to show her up, I was just... Anyway, the full story is longer, but it basically reads like: "Hey, look how awesome Wang is!" and I didn't want to post it. Kisses,Wang

[I Called In Sick Today]

i've always wanted to have sex in a spa steamroom. trip report please.

I pretty much read everything from late July to present, and this is all I felt like quoting. In my experience, steamroom sex is even more uncomfortable than regular, air-conditioned bedroom sex. I met a girl, Bryn, a few weekends ago at work. I got her number. The next day, my mother sent me a text message asking if I know Bryn. I have been taking circuitous routes, doubling back, running red lights, and changing outfits 5 times a day for the last fortnight. I figure if Shake brought the original back, I might as well, too. Also: I have been learning a little bit about DOS

[To My Mother On Her 56th Birthday]

Mother:Happy Birthday. I am everything I am because of you.*****A generic comment I have heard a million times:“You are so much like your father.”My reaction:{Outward} Haha, yeah. You don’t know how many partial telephone conversations I’ve had that end with ‘Oh, shit, I thought this was your dad.’{Inward} I am smiling because I know that I am my mother’s son’s best impression of his father.*****When we talked last week, you said, “You love me, but you don’t like me, not really.”Well, first of all, of course I love you, mother. No matter how often I say it, I say it too rarely, and I sometimes worry that it comes off as flippant, perhaps as my half of the ritualistic exchange between parent and child, the words just words that fill the space they have filled since we were taught where they go, unexamined, before we are capable of understanding what they truly mean. But I do love you, mother, and sometimes when I am feeling alone and untethered, I close my eyes and I am filled with an unbearable lightness – I will float away I will float away I will float away I will float and float and float until and I am not here and I am scared and I will never be able to get back. It is, and has always been, my family – a great shining impossible beacon – that allows me to reorient myself and find my way back home. *****“…but you don’t like me, not really.”There was a time when that was true. Our relationship was painfully tense for a time, something I expect is true of many such relationships, though I believe, in our case, the friction in our relationship was borne of common circumstances –the parent must be hard, and the child does not like being told no – but exacerbated by unique ones. The easy answer is the first one, and the one to which we always pay lip-service: “We’re so much alike.” We are very much alike, mother, and when we say that, I think we mean something superficial and simple: we are critical and opinionated, both aggressively pessimistic and cynical because optimism is heavy when it crashes, and if we can keep our expectations managed, surely we will never be never be never be disappointed again. When I was younger, I did not like you very much. I resented you. I thought you were harsh and unfair. I thought you just did not understand. Every y ear, though, I realize more and more exactly how much you did understand. (I have asked myself, “how much of herself did she see in me?” And I have asked myself, “did that scare her?”)*****When I was younger, I did not like myself very much. I resented myself. I thought that was unfair. And I did not understand. Every year, though, I realize more and more how much that influenced our relationship. For me, the terrifying and hateful and paralyzing thing was: you, more than anyone, understand me. You see me. When I was younger and uglier, I hated you for that, mom, but, no: I really just hated that I was unable to hide from you. We are too similar to hide from each other, mother, and until I became a person who can look in the mirror without cringing, I was always going to hate you for seeing what I could not suffer to see. *****I love you for not allowing me to hide from myself forever, but as a result: I like you now, too. There are just so many things you and I can discuss that dad will never understand. I could attempt to list them, but it would be a waste of time and space, and you might argue with me. Just know this, mother: when I talk about myself – me, what is happening in my head – I come to you because you understand. I like that. *****I am the most extreme parts of my parents’ personalities. I am my father’s gregariousness and his jokes, his charisma, his love of stories and people. I am my mother’s tempered reason, her ability to see and understand. I am my mother’s love of words (without which, I should point out, this letter would not exist). But more than anything, I am my mother’s struggle. I am my mother’s self consciousness. It is for these last that I am most grateful, because the best of me is in my head, quiet and raging, fighting and struggling and searching for meaning. Without that I would be lost.*****Without you I would be lost.I love you,Your Son

[Sports Gambling 201]

Garnett's out, not that retarded.Wow nice score.What about Denver -6 tonight.

I actually didn't know Garnett wasn't playing when I wrote that. Still seems slightly retarded, but I can understand the line intellectually, now. Celtics are getting just hammered, so even though I'd rather be betting ON the team with the injured star, I'll still probably play the Sixers. With all the money-line action the Spurs are getting, the book probably have a really big position on the Nuggets tonight, so I'm going to be on that game for sure. Again, I'd rather be playing the team on short-rest, but I'm not sure how much the average fan considers the West Coast OT game, followed by a trip to the Thin Denver Air the next night, aspect. The line actually looks just about how I expected, and I really like Denver here, so I'm a little scared, but that won't stop me from playing it.

[Sports Gambling 201]

Yeah, I saw that about 4 months ago. They offer consensus data that I use pretty regularly.

[Sports Gambling 201]

I wish I could just put these in on Wednesday and then forget about them until Sunday. Schwartzel is going to give me a MegaTease in Dubai. My 3 big matchups -- Trahan and Watson against Holmes, and Ogilvie against Weir -- have small leads, and I already know Trahan is going to stay near the top of the leaderboard until the 3rd or 4th round, at which point he is going to fall off a cliff and ruin my outright, top 5, and matchup play, along with my entire weekend.I hate this crap.

Trahan v. Holmes winnerWatson v. Holmes (almost assuredly a) winnerOgilvy v. Weir (almost assuredly a) winnerAll my outrights are dead (Schwartzel, Stewie, Trahan), and I don't think I'm going to have any top-5 sweats unless something crazy happens, so this was a pleasant start to golf-season. My fades blew up early and missed the cut, so my matchups all cash early, and my outrights can't tease me. Huzzah!WangPS- FYI, Holmes -- who I said has been downright dreadful this year -- went off for a 70 and a 76, the latter of which was among the very worst rounds of the tournament

[Sports Gambling 201]

Wait until you guys start playing golf... it's deadly.I'm starting to up my golf action a little bit (mostly because of the opening price on Stewie Cink this week at the FBR Open, which was absurd) for the first time since this Martin Kaymer disaster on the last two holes of the tournament was followed a few hours later by a Sage Rosenfels sighting that led to the following:- A rage/shock induced blackout at work, which forced one of my more empathetic dealers to lead me to the breakroom so he could watch the floor for about an hour while I cried/vomitted.- A 5x tilt session at a NLHE table in Detroit- A 10x tilt session at the roulette table later (mitigated in part by some free slot play -- on which I won 2x somehow -- and loooots of free food comps)- An eventual 1 week "vacation" during which I blew off class and desperately tried not to drinkSo, if you guys want some golf action, I'll start you light. I already hammered Stewie hard enough to drop the price from the opener of 58.5-1 all the way down to about 35-1 at the greek, but I would recommend the following:Bet against JB Holmes. He was a Ryder Cup superstar, and he's really long off the tee. Plus, he's won at this course twice. Unfortunately for him, he's been fucking awful all year. I'm fading him at +juice with Bubba Watson and DJ Trahan.Bet against Mike Weir. You can do it with Ogilvie some places, which is nice, because he's significantly better than Mike Weir. Weir's been hot lately, inflating his value. I think Ogilvie's carded some good rounds, too, but most unbiased metrics have him as a significant favorite here.Anyway, sorry I haven't been around much. I'm moving and I've been in a 3-month gambling rut, so I probably don't have much to add right now. Anybody who followed me on sides and futures since the start of NCAA foots season would be break-even at best. Eliminate my futures (Baltimore, Baltimore, Baltimore, Lions, Dolphins, Oklahoma) and I'm stuck more than a third of my bankroll. If you really want some pain, take a look at Charl Schwartzel in the Dubai Desert Classic. You can still get him at +5250 to win and +1015 to top 5 at The Greek, despite my best attempt to bring that number down.Wang

[what music are you guys listening to?]

i admit i find myself singing my girls on occasion which makes it the most memorable animal collective song by a factor of 9 billion

I TOLD YOU! Yeow!

[I Called In Sick Today]

http://www.insidethebook.com/ee/index.php/...obama/#comments(See comment no. 3) Why is Shake posting in a political thread at the blog for cutting edge SABRmetric (baseball) research?

[Sexual Partners]

I think I have had 23 +/-2, but that number could theoretically be as low as 18 or 19. There is one girl that, to this day, swears we did not have sex, and I can remember specifically doing her and thinking, "Haha, she's gonna be sooooooooooo embarrassed tomorrow." I could be insane, and that gets me down to 22.

Make it 24 +/-2. I'm going to start posting updates in here, on my road to 50+. This one was probably a 69/100, but it was an appealing 69 to me. Trim, nice eyes, good teeth, and into the guy who was pretending to be King of Soaring Eagle Resort and Casino. She was 27, on vacation with her mother and sisters, and had her own room. The sex was actually kinda fun, as she was just drunk enough not to care about my performance.EDIT- She asked if we should exchange numbers, and I told her I was just in town on business. I work for a minor league baseball team in North Carolina.

[I Called In Sick Today]

I can hook you up. Do you want the Team Cash on one line or two? What colors? Do you want it to look like the dude from 30 Rock?

Fuck, there's a guy from 30 rock with that hat? Now I can't wear it...

[I Called In Sick Today]

I was playing craps last night with some friends after a night playing pineapple at Soaring Eagle, and we were stuck like 400 apiece. We were getting ready to call it a night, when we saw this old white guy wearing a bolo tie and a blue baseball cap that simply said "Team Cash" approach the table. Nobody said anything so as not to jinx it, but there was an instant understanding among the three of us that nobody was leaving until this guy shot. About 45 minutes later, we each peeled 50 bucks from our stacks to thank him. We offered him 50 more dollars if he would give us the Team Cash hat, and he angrily refused. We would have gone up to 100, I think, but after our initial offer was rejected, we knew it wouldn't be enough.I am bad at internet searching, but I want nothing more than to find some hats that say "Team Cash" on them. If anybody could locate one (LadyGrey? I'm looking at you), I would be... greatly indebted.

[I Called In Sick Today]

for now, i would just like to say that i would like to know who Cho Chang is. is he some white guy who wants everyone to think he's chinese?

I never pretended to be Asian. Cho Chang is in Harry Potter. She speaks with a Scottish accent, and I want nothing more than for her to voice her disappointment in my sexual performance in that beautiful brogue.

[I Called In Sick Today]

I had a... very interesting day yesterday. But for now, I would just like to say that I would do unspeakable things to Cho Chang.

[I Called In Sick Today]

Damn straight. I don't forbid her from knitting, do I?But really, I don't see myself staying with a girl long term if she's the type to try and forbid me from ever entering a strip club again. The guys I know who aren't allowed to go to strip clubs, even on special occasions, are the guys whose wives totally control their lives.

For some reason, my thoughts on the issue of how I deal with people's feelings are coalescing nicely now. I think it's because this was one of the last things I thought of before I went to sleep last night, in addition to: "If I could live in a house made entirely of a single food, what food would it be?"When it comes to other people's feelings -- people I care about, not constricted solely to bitches -- I've always tried to be adaptive and empathetic, regardless of my opinion as to the rationality of those feelings. This is why, if I know a guy would be upset if I fooled around with his exgirlfriend, I would never do it, even if they've been broken up for 5 years and he dumped her and doesn't even like her anymore. Is it stupid for him to feel that way? Yeah. But he feels that way and if I can't change his mind, then I have to decide what's more important and take responsibility for my choice.Example:Say a friend of mine would suffer some minor mental anguish if I wore brown shoes around him. That's retarded, but if I can avoid wearing brown shoes, I'm going to avoid wearing brown shoes, because I love him and his happiness is more important than my shoes.With women it often becomes a power struggle. She says you can't do it, and even though you could avoid doing it with little-to-no real effect on your life, you'll do it anyway because NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO. It's about avoiding the precedent. I have never had that problem. I don't think much about power struggles, which party has the upperhand, etc. I just do what I do, and if you communicate with me, I'll do what I can to please you. If your demands are overly burdensome, I won't acquiesce, but not because I care about whether or not I'm a pushover, but rather because the costs of acquiescence are too high. If you're the kind of woman that is trying to control me simply to control me, well, we're going to have problems, whore.I guess what I'm getting at is, I've never understood that care whether people are ALLOWED to feel a certain way. People feel how they feel, and if it's stupid, I'll try to change the feeling through rational discourse. If that fails, the options left are limited, and people who shirk responsibility and refuse to admit their choices, and accept responsibility for those clearly anticipatable consequences borne of their choices, make me angry. If you see the whole board, then don't try to lie to yourself and everyone else. Don't rationalize your behavior as some chaotic, unpredictable outcome.

[I Called In Sick Today]

For me, it really depends on how a girl goes about saying that kind of thing. If it's an order, I run away from the relationship, since if a girl is comfortable trying to boss you around while dating, odds are she'll be one of those horrible domineering wife types. If it's a request as part of a conversation, there's nothing I won't at least give fair consideration.

Every once in a while I like to receive an order. Sometimes a girl will say something like "Do NOT have sex with [so and so]," and, I'm going to admit this, I get kinda excited. I've had a lot of those "Derek, do NOT have sex with [so and so]" commands given to me, now that I think about it. Don't have sex with your exgirlfriend. Don't have sex with that MILFy waitress. I mean, really? You're worried I'm just going to suddenly become attractive to women? Just because YOUR tastes are terrible doesn't mean every attractive woman's are...Anyway, in semi-seriousness, I dated a girl once who went about it just like this:"Look, I know this is silly, but will you please comply with irrational request Y? I realize I have no leg to stand on here, but that... I dunno, it just bothers me, so could you not? I know I'm asking a lot..." Wow. You're admitting it's totally a girly emotional type thing, which means you are a creature of reason, and you're ASKING me to make a choice you recognize as a SACRIFICE. I will become compliant almost instantly, even though there is a fair chance I am being manipulated.

[I Called In Sick Today]

Strip clubs are an exception. I wouldn't let a woman forbid me to go, even though I only do it once every few years. And there's no way to rationalize it.Although I would agree not to get any lap dances.

Because a man's a man and that's the rules.

[I Called In Sick Today]

I think this is a great way to look at it. It's a shame most guys don't and are unwilling to look at it in this way. It's funny how guys love to agree that all girls are crazy and irrational, but when it comes to something like this they are unwilling to be reasonable. Personally I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with a boyfriend going to a strip club. It will always make me feel upset, insecure, suspicious, etc. It doesn't seem like a big sacrifice to me, especially when they know how much pain it will save their girlfriend, but I think most guys would go anyway and then get angry at the girlfriend when she is upset about it. I see that despite understanding this rationale you put going to the strip club as an exception, but I get the impression you go pretty regularly so it's more of a sacrifice to you. How often do you go to a strip club, out of curiosity?

At least twice weekly. I usually meet up with my friends there if we're doing something, or go there later in the night to wind down.If I were with a girl and she said, "Look, can you just please not be going to the strip club?" I'd probably make an effort to cut down the amount, but I don't know if I'd be able to eliminate it entirely. It would probably depend on her reasoning and how much I liked her. I don't use the Strip Club as a way to stare at naked women. I don't get lap dances. It just happens to be the place I meet up with my friends. They feel relaxed there. I do too, I guess. (shrug) If a girl I was dating casually said "don't go to the strip club" I would conclude that she's not worth it. If a girl I'm in a serious relationship said "don't go to the strip club" I'd probably make every effort to cut it out. I'd require a certain level of patience and a longer time-frame than may be optimal from her perspective, but I'd make the effort. If she gave me some credit for at least TRYING, I'd probably be able to eventually almost totally eliminate the behavior, and strictly for her peace of mind. If it affected my friendships, I'd refuse, I think, because that's just a bad cocktail (but it's also neither here nor there).

[I Called In Sick Today]

I'm not sure what I think about the Wang Theory of Relationships. I'm pretty sure I like it, but I'll have to sleep on it.

I didn't give the most understandable version here, but I think it's the best way to handle these situations. I hate when people say stuff like, "She has NO RIGHT to be mad." Well, sure. But you knew she was going to be mad -- she TOLD you she was going to be mad -- and you did it anyway, which means you understood the consequences of your actions beforehand, and chose to do something that would make her mad for whatever reason. You have every right to do that, but turning around and pretending you don't bear some of the culpability is flat ridiculous. If you hate it that much, why are you with her? Relationships have all sorts of irrational elements. Deal with them however you want, but if you have all the information and can see the endgame, you'd better be prepared to live with the consequences.