Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Okay, so... Valentine's Day sucks. I hate it, because I'm always either (a) alone or (b) in a weird spot with a girl that makes it, you know, weird. So Jess, the girl I'm casually seeing is definitely in the (b) category. I worked from 7-8 tonight (???), and then saw her. I didn't know what she expected, since we've never really talked about our relationship status. I don't think I want to be seriously dating this girl or anything, so I'm happy avoiding it. Because we're sleeping together, I figured flowers was the least I could do. I thought about it briefly, and decided to get her some flowers, a bottle of wine, and- as a joke- a 25$ gift certificate to the tanning salon at which she works, purchased from her yesterday. She liked the flowers, and told me I'm a fucking moron for the Gift Certificate. Mission Accomplished.Anyway, so I stopped by her place after work....I walked into her apartment, poured her a glass of wine (I got to drink cranberry juice!), raised a toast, whatever. Wang: "...anyway, Happy Valentine's Day, you know. Or whatever."Jess: "I didn't know if I should get you anyth-"Wang: "Really? Cause me either. I figured, you know, since we're like just, you know" (Wang makes weird hand gesture, meant to speak to the undefined nature of our relationship) (pause) "You know? So I figured flowers and booze. If you didn't like the flowers, I'd just get you drunk."And this is when it got kinda weird.Jess: "Well, I DO like the flowers, but maybe the wine'll come in handy..." (trails off suggestively, does something with her eyebrows)Wang: "Yeah? How's that?"Jess: "Since I didn't get you anything, I decided for Valentine's Day, you can do whatever you want."Wang: "Yeah? Wanna watch The Departed? I got a copy on DVD."Jess: (laughs) "Noooo, Mister. WHATEVER you want..."Wang: (gets it) "Really? Like what?" Jess: "Anything."At this point I'm kinda freaking out. You know what I like? Sex and blowjobs. I like fun, exciting, nonathletic/nonchallenging sex and the occassional blowjob.Wang: (laughs nervously) "How about ATM?" (it should be noted here that this is completely the SickThread's influence...)Jess: "Oooooh, what's that?" Wang: (laughs even more nervously) "Ha. Ha. Nothing."So the fooling around commences. I'm sure she's expecting me to have some grand fantasy request. Tie her up. Have her tie me up. Anal. (shrug) I just kinda wanted to do it. But I was feeling a little pressure, racking my brain trying to think of something that'd satisfy her need to satisfy me, and not, like, be weird. So we're fooling around, having fun, and I can tell she wants it to be extra exciting or something. Like a Seinfeld moment, she starts talking dirty, and it freaks me out...Jess: "Ooooh, it's so biiiig." (It's not. I know it's not. You know it's not. We both know it's completely average, and telling me it's big is just a stupid lie neither of us believes.)Wang: (weirded out)Jess: "Do you like that, Mister?" (second Mister of the night....)Wang: (weirded out, clears throat) "Yes." (I said yes. I didn't say "yeah" or "oh yeah." I said "yes" as in "yes ma'am" which made me think "yes ma'am" which is kinda dirty sounding, and served to weird me out more.)Jess: "Ooooh, I bet you like that, huh?"Wang: (realizes last mistake) "Oh yeah."So this goes on for like 2 or 3 minutes, and she's trying really hard. Finally, it simply becomes too weird. Jess: (something dirty, and more explicit)Wang: "Look, you don't need to do that."Jess: "Do what?"Wang: "Say that stuff. The stuff you're saying. I mean, I don't mind, but..."Jess: (stops) "You don't like it?"Wang: "No, no. I mean, I'm pretty ambivalent. That means I could go either way."And she pushes me off and starts crying. She goes on about how hard she was trying to have me enjoy myself, and cries harder, and says something about not being pretty, and then just cries. I don't know what to say, so I tell her she's pretty and I don't need all that stuff, and she cries harder, and I tell her I was enjoying myself, and make a few jokes. Then she starts laughing.Jess: "I'm sorry. I'm PMSing REALLY hard, right now. I feel all icky and emotional."Wang: "Oh, don't worry about it!"Jess: "You haven't gotten off yet, have you?"Wang: "What? No. No."Jess: (snurfy nose, tears wet on face) "Want me to doooo something about that?"Wang: "Well what about you?"Jess: "Oh, don't worry. It'll be more trouble than it's worth."Wang: (ego in cellar, libido killed by sobbing, talk of period, etc.) "Oh... O-uh, okay then."Jess: "Want me to give you a handjob?"Wang: (I HATE HANDJOBS I HATE HANDJOBS I HATE HANDJOBS) "Sure."Jess: (kisses me on cheek, still snurfy) "Happy Valentine's Day, Mister."Wang: "Happy Valentine's Day, honey."(handjob)Happy Valentine's DayWang Link to post Share on other sites
Theraflu 1,035 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Okay, so... Valentine's Day sucks. I hate it, because I'm always either (a) alone or (B) in a weird spot with a girl that makes it, you know, weird. WangI've seen this somewhere before... Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 I've seen this somewhere before...I now run all of my stories past the SickThread first, to make sure they're somewhat amusing. If I receive neutral to neutral-positive reviews from a few selected posters, I toss them up here, for the disgust of all. Link to post Share on other sites
Actuary 3 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 you never disapoint. good read.I'd date youfwiw, I like handjobs... a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
speedz99 145 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 It would make me really happy if this girl was somehow pointed towards this thread...she'd probably have to have someone read it out loud for her, but that's neither here nor there. Link to post Share on other sites
strategy 4 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I now run all of my stories past the SickThread first, to make sure there somewhat amusing. If I receive neutral to neutral-positive reviews from a few selected posters, I toss them up here, for the disgust of all.Quoting for rarity. Link to post Share on other sites
Jeepster80125 0 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I'm glad to say that I have yet to be even remotely disappointed by a story posted by the wangster.Thanks for the laugh, good sir. I thought handjobs were out of style in high school, but meh.wamp wamp. Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Quoting for rarity.You must have changed that, because it is correct in the original... Link to post Share on other sites
CardWarfare 4 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I missed this the first time around, so I'm glad you made the thread. I'm allergic to catch up reading longer than about a page and a half, on a good day.The only way for this story to get more awkward is if she were actually sobbing while giving you the handjob, and talking dirty at the same time. Then the emotion would take over and she'd wind up getting hysterical while screaming, "WHY DID MY DADDY LEAVE ME?!?!" at your dick. Link to post Share on other sites
socalpoker_j 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 you never disapoint. good read.I'd date youfwiw, I like handjobs... a lot.Nice av, not that I know where thats from or anything, and great post by the way Wang. Link to post Share on other sites
Swift_Psycho 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 you never disapoint. good read. Link to post Share on other sites
brvheart 1,752 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 (I got to drink cranberry juice!)What, are you having your period? Link to post Share on other sites
Shimmering Wang 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Author Share Posted February 16, 2007 Are you having your period?No, FunnyMan, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Bitch! Link to post Share on other sites
socalpoker_j 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 What, are you having your period?nice reference. Link to post Share on other sites
CardWarfare 4 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 No, FunnyMan, I'm a recovering alcoholic. Bitch!This thread just got even more uncomfortable. Well done. Link to post Share on other sites
tskillz187 0 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 What, are you having your period?I love The Departed Link to post Share on other sites
flyingdonkey 0 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Should have got your red wings... Link to post Share on other sites
LongLiveYorke 38 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 What, are you having your period?My friend has a Playstation III, which is also a Blue Ray player, so today we watched the Departed on Blue Ray. God, that movie rocks. Best line:Alec Baldwin's Character: You wanna smoke? What, you don't smoke? Whaddaya, a health freak? Go fuck ya self. Link to post Share on other sites
CardWarfare 4 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 My friend has a Playstation III, which is also a Blue Ray player, so today we watched the Departed on Blue Ray. God, that movie rocks. Best line:Alec Baldwin's Character: You wanna smoke? What, you don't smoke? Whaddaya, a health freak? Go fuck ya self.QFT. Hence sig. Link to post Share on other sites
TheCinciKid 0 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I Wang. I wish he'd update his blog more though. Link to post Share on other sites
SBriand 4 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I don't get it... Link to post Share on other sites
IQCrash 1 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I was just trying to spice up our relationship, Wang - and then even after I poured my heart out to you and gave you a loving handjob, you come and post our story here.We're through. Link to post Share on other sites
Canuckickstan 2 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 I guess a hand job is better than no job. Link to post Share on other sites
BWToth 0 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 Wang: "No, no. I mean, I'm pretty ambivalent. That means I could go either way."I found this to be the funniest line. If you really did define the word you just used after saying it, I think this tells us a lot about this girl. Link to post Share on other sites
magnus72 0 Posted February 16, 2007 Share Posted February 16, 2007 After she said "No Mister whatever you want."You should have been like "oh ok", and then went and put The Departed in and said this is what I want. Link to post Share on other sites
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