Wang Works On Writing

[Shimmering Wang 1]

Hey. Even though I promised myself I wouldn't, I decided to use November to put together a collection of crappy essays/jokes/etc. No recycling. I wrote two things tonight. Neither are good, but both are rough drafts, and I plan on reworking at least HALF of the first one. I'm slightly more proud of the second. Each would rate no higher than a 3.5/10 on a personal satisfaction scale. I am only putting these up because I need to force myself to write more, and sharing bad writing is the easiest way to motivate one's self to improve.Subject: RE: YOUR CRITICISMS OF MY COMMENCEMENT SPEECHDean Silverstein:I received your letter concerning my speech at last week’s commencement ceremony, and would like to respond to your criticisms in order.- I certainly didn’t mean for my opening to be construed at “anti-semitic vitriol” as you so colorfully termed it. Let me assure you that the gag with the yarmulke and the tampon (it was just strawberry jam) was completely tongue-in-cheek. Also, the crack about the “Jewish Nose” was meant to be self-effacing, though I can see how you may have misconstrued it, and until you pointed it out, I did not know that the punch line to the Ike Turner joke was a slur.- Any similarities between my act and Gallagher’s are simply an unfortunate coincidence. After doing some research, I will admit the resemblance is quite striking. Please extend my apologies to any students in the first few rows. In my experience, most fruit usually comes right out.- I don’t remember actually claiming to have written an episode of Law and Order, but I will take your word for it. I simply misspoke, as the episode I referred to was ostensibly based on an experience I had a few years ago. I am sure you have heard the phrase “ripped from the headlines.”- I am sorry to hear that you did not appreciate my Latka impression, but that is beside the point. I merely thought Andy Kaufman could serve as a great example to today’s youth. Have you ever actually watched Taxi? If not, maybe that is why you didn’t like the impression?- After reading your letter, I googled “Dwight Eisenhower” and “Margaret Thatcher,” and you were indeed correct; I was sure I had heard somewhere that they had not graduated college. I was right about Kurt Cobain, and fail to see how that example is “irrelevant.”- Your description of the portion of my speech concerning the dangers of college sex as “an irresponsible, vulgar, misogynistic rant” was a tad harsh, don’t you agree? My use of the phrase “the ole’ poke-a-hole-in-the-condom trick” was meant to shock youngsters into appreciating the pitfalls of disingenuous women looking for a free ride.Finally, I must point out that I posted “YOU MUST BE 21 TO DRINK” signs in plain sight- including directly over each keg- at the party I threw for students and faculty afterwards. I was disappointed to see that you could not make it. Maybe next year?Go Cougars!Sincerely,Derek Birch----------Literary Self-ReflectionFor this portion of the exam, please examine a piece of writing from your highschool portfolio, identify at least 3, but no more than 5, weaknesses, and illustrate how you have (or have not) corrected them.In my essay for English 12 that I submitted earlier this year entitled “Aeschylus Re-imagined: Agamemnon Goes to South Beach,” I have identified 4 significant weaknesses.Firstly, I wrote this paper entirely by hand, as my computer was not working at the time. When my black pen ran out of ink halfway through the third paragraph, I had to continue with a blue felt marker. I now realize this is unacceptable and unprofessional, especially when the blue from the marker bled through to page two. After reading Mrs. Anderson’s comments, I rectified the problem by typing future essays in the computer lab. Except that time last month when my paper was due 4th hour, and there were no open computers during 2nd hour, and I had a test in Mr. Markinson’s 3rd hour math class which he would not excuse me from, so I had to hurriedly scribble 300 words on computer paper (my spiral ring notebook was full) in red ink (Sally would not let me borrow her black Rollerball).Secondly, my use of slang and cuss words was, I now realize, inappropriate. For example, “Devils made me do it, damn bitchass devil skanks” should have been rephrased without the swears and the colloquial and misogynistic term “skank.” In the future, I have avoided using derogatory or tasteless language, except when I am quoting from the original (as above).Thirdly, my mild dyslexia leads me to, on occasion, misform the lowercase “e.” It usually appears like a schwa, an upside-down and backwards “e,” commonly used to represent phonetically the sound of an unstressed neutral vowel. This problem was easily solved by using the school’s computer lab, except for when some jerk uses the last computer to play Minesweeper. Finally, there is a chocolate thumb-print in the lower-right corner of the first page, as well as a large, indeterminate smudge on the back of the second page (also chocolate? perhaps glaze?). As a cross-country runner, I find it necessary to snack throughout the day to keep my energy up, and occasionally will accidentally transfer the sticky contents of my snack onto the final draft of an essay before turning it in. At Mrs. Anderson’s suggestion, I have taken to carrying wet-naps in my pocket. Unfortunately, they do not always completely remove the offending stain from the page. You will notice, in the case of this reflection, using a moist-towelette has actually exacerbated the problem, though the combination of tropical Skittles and lemon juice (from the towelette) has resulted in a pleasant, refreshing aroma. Bash away, guys. When I rework them, I'll post the new-and-hopefully-improved versions in the thread. Thanks in advance. Wang

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

what are these supposed to be?

[hank213 1,823]

There were some decent chuckles in there, I look forward to your revisions.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

There were some decent chuckles in there, I look forward to your revisions.

What did you chuckle at? This is hard, because I'm attempting to write without using any dialogue, which for me is nearly impossible. Also, trying to be "mock formal" is also a style to which I'm unaccustomed.

[Dirtydutch 8]

Wang, I'm going to be an asshole here, as I don't often have a problem being: the second one feels pretty phoned-in. I know I've read a funnier version of this idea form you. I know we've both written similar essays in high school, and I recall laughing my *** off at your first telling of the chocolate smug thing. I love the idea, but I think you need to just rewrite it.

[hank213 1,823]

Subject: RE: YOUR CRITICISMS OF MY COMMENCEMENT SPEECHDean Silverstein:- I certainly didn’t mean for my opening to be construed at “anti-semitic vitriol” as you so colorfully termed it. Let me assure you that the gag with the yarmulke and the tampon (it was just strawberry jam) was completely tongue-in-cheek. - Any similarities between my act and Gallagher’s are simply an unfortunate coincidence. After doing some research, I will admit the resemblance is quite striking. - After reading your letter, I googled “Dwight Eisenhower” and “Margaret Thatcher,” and you were indeed correct; I was sure I had heard somewhere that they had not graduated college. - Your description of the portion of my speech concerning the dangers of college sex as “an irresponsible, vulgar, misogynistic rant” was a tad harsh, don’t you agree? My use of the phrase “the ole’ poke-a-hole-in-the-condom trick” was meant to shock youngsters into appreciating the pitfalls of disingenuous women looking for a free ride.Go Cougars!Sincerely,Derek Birch----------Secondly, my use of slang and cuss words was, I now realize, inappropriate. For example, “Devils made me do it, damn bitchass devil skanks” should have been rephrased without the swears and the colloquial and misogynistic term “skank.” In the future, I have avoided using derogatory or tasteless language, except when I am quoting from the original (as above). You will notice, in the case of this reflection, using a moist-towelette has actually exacerbated the problem, though the combination of tropical Skittles and lemon juice (from the towelette) has resulted in a pleasant, refreshing aroma.

those got lines got at least a grin out of me. furthermore, i feel the premises of both to be sound. while reading them i could picture the absolute shock and horror as well as the sense of utter failure in my job i would feel as the educator addressed in the letters.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

Wang, I'm going to be an asshole here, as I don't often have a problem being: the second one feels pretty phoned-in. I know I've read a funnier version of this idea form you. I know we've both written similar essays in high school, and I recall laughing my *** off at your first telling of the chocolate smug thing. I love the idea, but I think you need to just rewrite it.

Yeah, I kinda felt the same way. I REALLY think I can make this one work. But I don't want the format to be "wang tells a story about a thing he did." I need it to be "thing wang did, unabridged, but short and still kinda funny." I just have to find a way to make all the jokes work, while keeping the writing tight, and I know I need to totally fix up the prose. It seemed stilted to me, too, and reads like it was written in disinterested haze. Like I said, I'll work at it. Maybe when I'm drunk?

[Dirtydutch 8]

Yeah, I kinda felt the same way. I REALLY think I can make this one work. But I don't want the format to be "wang tells a story about a thing he did." I need it to be "thing wang did, unabridged, but short and still kinda funny." I just have to find a way to make all the jokes work, while keeping the writing tight, and I know I need to totally fix up the prose. It seemed stilted to me, too, and reads like it was written in disinterested haze. Like I said, I'll work at it. Maybe when I'm drunk?

Try writing some of it as a comedy sketch. Even if it doesn't work as one, it may get you thinking outside your own head a little about to make thing function. Just a thought.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

those got lines got at least a grin out of me. furthermore, i feel the premises of both to be sound. while reading them i could picture the absolute shock and horror as well as the sense of utter failure in my job i would feel as the educator addressed in the letters.

Well, at least the premises are semi-sound. I really like 2 or 3 of the "Commemcement Speech" jokes/ideas, and hated the rest. I thought the the Gallagher part could be funny, and same with the AntiSemitic Vitriol, as well as the "poke a hole in the condom" piece. I hated the other two, and am already thinking about better ways to get in a "kike turner" reference, and how to inappropriately address the "condom trick" portion."Like I said before, I plan on making the self-reflection essay work, but I need to work on the voice more than anything. It seems like the writer is too... I dunno, back? away from? the writing. I need to tinker with the voice, but I'm an awful writer, so I dunno how.Wang

Try writing some of it as a comedy sketch. Even if it doesn't work as one, it may get you thinking outside your own head a little about to make thing function. Just a thought.

Yeah, maybe. It's just that EVERYTHING I write is usually imagined primarily as a sketch. I'm trying to change form a little. Almost everything funny that happens to me ends up being explained as a sketch, with character reactions and stage actions and everything. This is a tough one to make a sketch, too. I appreciate the suggestions, though. I'll probably end up sketching it out, just to figure out a better way to write it later.Thanks,Wang

[Dirtydutch 8]

Well, at least the premises are semi-sound. I really like 2 or 3 of the "Commemcement Speech" jokes/ideas, and hated the rest. I thought the the Gallagher part could be funny, and same with the AntiSemitic Vitriol, as well as the "poke a hole in the condom" piece. I hated the other two, and am already thinking about better ways to get in a "kike turner" reference, and how to inappropriately address the "condom trick" portion."Like I said before, I plan on making the self-reflection essay work, but I need to work on the voice more than anything. It seems like the writer is too... I dunno, back? away from? the writing. I need to tinker with the voice, but I'm an awful writer, so I dunno how.WangYeah, maybe. It's just that EVERYTHING I write is usually imagined primarily as a sketch. I'm trying to change form a little. Almost everything funny that happens to me ends up being explained as a sketch, with character reactions and stage actions and everything. This is a tough one to make a sketch, too. I appreciate the suggestions, though. I'll probably end up sketching it out, just to figure out a better way to write it later.Thanks,Wang

Makes a lot of sense.

[hank213 1,823]

Well for me what seemed to be working was the juxtaposition inherent in the works (the ones referenced vs. the current letters). The letters are written in manner that suggests some intelligence and literacy while the works they reference (commencement speech, english papers) intimate at works created by a drunken carnival barker, or at the least someone who absolutely does not give a shit. So I would suggest playing up that theme a little more, make the works referenced even more crass and outlandish and the letters even more intellectual and polite. Or perhaps make the acts referenced a bit more vivid.IMHO.

[Dirtydutch 8]

Well for me what seemed to be working was the juxtaposition inherent in the works (the ones referenced vs. the current letters). The letters are written in manner that suggests some intelligence and literacy while the works they reference (commencement speech, english papers) intimate at works created by a drunken carnival barker, or at the least someone who absolutely does not give a shit. So I would suggest playing up that theme a little more, make the works referenced even more crass and outlandish and the letters even more intellectual and polite. Or perhaps make the acts referenced a bit more vivid.IMHO.

You don't want it too vivid. One of the best parts is that we have to imagine the kind of sick/stupid shit he did or said.

[CobaltBlue 662]

I really like 2 or 3 of the "Commemcement Speech" jokes/ideas, and hated the rest. I thought the the Gallagher part could be funny, and same with the AntiSemitic Vitriol, as well as the "poke a hole in the condom" piece. I hated the other two, and am already thinking about better ways to get in a "kike turner" reference, and how to inappropriately address the "condom trick" portion."

I thought the Kurt Cobain joke was funny too. Then again, I'm a sucker for messed up (mocking) "Did you know?/Factoid" jokes. I think it's cause they require an extra level of thinking. You have to "know" the true factoid that they're referencing.As for the second piece, I'm not sure why...but it really sounded like it was written by a girl.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

I thought the Kurt Cobain joke was funny too. Then again, I'm a sucker for messed up (mocking) "Did you know?/Factoid" jokes. I think it's cause they require an extra level of thinking. You have to "know" the true factoid that they're referencing.As for the second piece, I'm not sure why...but it really sounded like it was written by a girl.

That can't be good...I've done some reworking. I'll put the revised version up later tonight or tomorrow, hopefully. Wang

[CobaltBlue 662]

That can't be good...

Didn't say it was bad. I think it's just the "flighty" nature of the whole piece (and especially the second paragraph), the reference to skanks, and the reference to Sally.

[gkunit20 1]

That was fun. I liked that.