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I Called In Sick Today


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and after 3 days, he is risen!

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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You act as if I have extremely high standards. I don't. I really don't. Most of the girls I talk about are probably 7's at best. I tried talking to a chubby chick this weekend at the bar. She wasn't having it.

 

Edit: Over my dead, fat body you will.

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the swap to the ford explorer was ****ing genius and I was deeply disappointed with everyone over its reception

 

Not the best crop.

 

 

Phrawg

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hadn't heard of that. is it really lemony? sounds ok but I'd be afraid it'd taste like freaking lemonade.

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it's extremely goddamn lemony. I didn't even read it, I just saw a new (to me) kind of sam adams and pounced. I probably don't finish the six.

 

Now I will try them

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Had prohibition ale to ight while floating in the pool

 

 

 

A few years back I designed and built a motorized floating lawn chair using a trolling motor and two motorcycle batteries. Spent hours upon hours of quality time in that thing. On low it the batteries would last most of the day... cranked up it crossed the pool in five seconds flat. After a terrifying incident occurred during an all night drunken party I fabricated and installed a cover around the prop made from a house fan. Stole a "caution propeller" sticker from military plane and fixed it on the back of the chair for good measure. Much like a scene from Jaws, the blood from the neighbors foot caused a massive blood slick that instantly had folks running from the pool in sheer terror. Twelve stitches and re-engineering his sprinkler system later all was forgiven

 

 

 

Unfortunately, it now rests on the bottom of the colorado river about halfway between the two islands north of the davis dam. Several theories have been thrown around over the years concerning the actual circumstances surrounding the mishap, all of which nod in the direction of alcohol and Shane. Eye witnesses to the crash all agreed on one thing... shorting out twin twelve volt batteries can and will incinerate plastic and styrofoam in mere seconds, even dampened by and floating on water...

 

 

 

The debate still blowing around town is the first rule of boating right-of-way.... least maneuverable craft has it over the other. Technically my floating chair had the right-of-way over the jet ski. But factor in that the operator sitting on the Kawasaki was so impaired he later testified at the time of impact his arms and legs were unresponsive and bowel control had been lost for several minutes beforehand

 

 

 

So really it could go either way...

 

 

 

If I were an NSTB investigator assigned to the case there would be no doubt who would get the blame. Don Laughlin. It was his waitress who toted all those bloody marys to the table that morning. Plus it was his deck of cards that kept us sitting there from nine am until the wives pried us from the pit and onto the boat around three.

 

 

 

 

Anyway, Ive been hankering to construct another this summer. This time with a fuse. And airbag

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if you like leinenkugel, yeah. sure.

 

gross. glad I asked.

 

Had prohibition ale to ight while floating in the pool

 

and?

 

 

 

got my annual camping trip to the mountains coming up next week. gotta get the beer list together, hence the questions. kinda tough though because this year I gotta do it much more on the cheap since I've got this land purchase looming and have to save up for closing costs (had totally forgot about closing costs. that may push me out a month or two.) but anyways, yeah, camping coming up next week. let's hope the god damn month long monsoon we've been having ends by then. kinda doubt it will.

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if you like leinenkugel, yeah. sure.

 

 

 

 

Sounds like an exercise a german prostitute would do to "stay in shape"

 

 

 

hope the god damn month long monsoon we've been having ends by then. kinda doubt it will.

 

 

 

 

I dont remember the last time it rained here. Plus its been hotter than a fresh ****ed nanny goat for the last three weeks. When it does rain the roads will be slicker than a minnows dick. As you can probably tell, I ate breakfast with some of the elders of the community yesterday morning. Pick up a few one-line "gooderns" from them every time. Thing is, for them to appreciate a goodern from anyone else it has to involve something dirty. They didnt even grin when I described my kid being so lazy it would take him a half day to drive a fencepost in quicksand....

 

 

 

 

If it aint dirty it better substitute racism at the very least. Back when I was just a sprout there was a couple guys that came by the house to visit once in a while. Both were named Kenny. One was nicknamed "Dirty Mind" Kenny and the other "Dirty" Kenny. The first for obvious reasons and the other for being a real life pigpen from Peanuts, cloud of dust and all. DM Kenny hung around laundromats paying women to lift their dresses he conned into playing guess the panty color and D Kenny spent his free time taking his family to drive in movies in a chicken litter truck. I was there for one of his visits. Pulled in and parked right next to the snack bar. The black stuff from the days haul still oozing out the back. Within seconds the outdoor screen would turn white from all the headlights from cars moving upwind. Hot dog and popcorn sales screeched to a complete halt as you might imagine. They kept letting him in though. Had to. He owned the land. DM Kenny let off a joke one night at the house that was so funny that one of my uncles passed out and the other fell over in his chair and into the side of a wood stove. Sure, there was a pile of schlitz cans that a show dog couldnt jump over beside both of them, but my dad who didnt drink at all cried like a baby for at least an hour. To this day I still try to remember it... I know it involved the heat and black kids turning on a fire hydrant and playing in the water on the street. Problem is I only heard it once. Nobody could ever repeat it without going into convulsions before the punchline again.

 

 

 

 

Speaking of stifling aromas, the millions of followers I have on twitter got a glimpse of what could possibly be the most obnoxious odor known to mankind a couple days ago. I say that from experience since I was present in the examining room the day doc asked Tony to remove his boots and socks. Up until now I assumed that was the pinnacle of odors. Not even close. Since I figure anytime the department of homeland security will surface to arrest the entire family for a terrorist plot involving poison gas manufacturing, out of courtesy Ill tell the backstory to you guys so you dont have to watch hours of CNN later. Suited excluded of course

 

 

 

Anyway, eight years ago to the best of my knowledge I harvested a giant whitetail buck. Huge. Bastard was in the running for winning a brand new four wheeler at the local big buck contest had I only thought to marry into the pawnbrokers family before entering. Those people had all the luck. So after losing to yet another deer smuggled in from Iowa, I took the prize home and butchered it. Tony got all the meat and I put the head in the freezer for safe keeping until I had a chance to make it to the taxidermist. Fast forward seven years. One day I staggered out to the shop and noted a peculiar odor coming from the beer storage closet. Thinking that Tony had once again spent the night in there, I dismissed the aroma as a dead mouse or something and forgot about it

 

 

 

A couple weeks later I was prowling around for something and opened the freezer. Boy howdy. The stench was so thick you could cut it with a chainsaw. Didnt take long to figure out the freezer had failed. After a few days of sending the wife, kid, and other guests to grab something out of it for me word got around and I was forced to dispose of the unit. Since I wasnt about to open it myself again, I hauled it down to the back of the property and made a mental note to myself to drive the hoe down there and bury it soon. Fast forward another year. The other day the kid and his buddies were down at the river shooting. Spotted the fridge. Opened it. To their amazement inside was the giant buck head.

 

 

 

 

The next thing I know, my turkey fryer was being assembled in front of the shop. Someone told them they could boil the head to remove the skin/meat and make a fine mount to hang on the wall. They failed to tell me what was going on until I figured it out by insta-puking inside the closed building with the A/C on seconds after they lit the fire...

 

 

 

My paint respirators are the best made. Cant smell a whiff of auto paint in a closed room. Within two breaths the cartridges failed around that pot. After declaring a state of emergency I drifted to the house and hunted down my scuba gear. Luckily enough oxygen was still in the bottle to remove the threat a half mile away, unluckily the odor was so intense it soaked into everything not made of hardened steel within a hundred foot radius

 

 

 

The bad news is its still hanging around. Good news is I already have one christmas gift checked off the list. Shane loves outdoorsey stuff

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yeah that was by far the funniest and weirdest beans vid yet. glad an explanation finally came because that one was a might bit confusing.

 

 

and hey beans, do you have a cdl? I'm looking at the regs for them and I'm not sure if towing a 580 by a 1 - 1.5 ton truck falls into the requirements or not. might just have to haul it with my honda to keep the weight down.

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I meant a new account here.

 

C'mon guys, let's brainstorm. Frog names. Go.

 

You should go with Rainforest Explorer. Then in six months you can change to the amazon logo and get all pissy when no-one congratulates you on it.

 

No offense.

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