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I Called In Sick Today

turd ferguson

By turd ferguson,
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Dawson Leery

Dawson Leery 12

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Just found out my office is closing at the end of the year. So I either have to move to NY or SF, or find another job (which I've already somewhat started). So this is what it feels like to be Napa and/or Shake.
I left out this detail
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The Ocho

The Ocho 970

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god DAMN IT I hate when I'm taking a dump and some dumb fuck comes in and sits in the stall beside me. can you seriously not wait five minutes you disgusting freak?
I've got a whole list of things you can do to either prevent this from happening again or to make it more enjoyable for you. Just let me know which way you want to go with it.
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LongLiveYorke

LongLiveYorke 38

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god DAMN IT I hate when I'm taking a dump and some dumb fuck comes in and sits in the stall beside me. can you seriously not wait five minutes you disgusting freak?
I'm with you 100%.
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LongLiveYorke

LongLiveYorke 38

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I've got a whole list of things you can do to either prevent this from happening again or to make it more enjoyable for you. Just let me know which way you want to go with it.
Let's start with "prevent".
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The Ocho

The Ocho 970

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OK, so you have to monitor the situation. I'm assuming most of you aren't freak shows like me and only use the toilet once at work during the day. So we'll stick with that assumption going forward.1. Best time to use the facilities is early in the morning. But not too early, depending on what time the janitorial staff cleans the toilets. If it's too early, they could still have the dampness from the cleaner on the seat, then when you put the cowboy hat down it gets damp and if you don't notice it can stick to your ass when you stand up. So let's shoot for right around 8:30. At this time toilet should no longer be damp, and it's early enough that it hasn't been destroyed by the couple of fat guys you work with. 2. Always use the handicap stall. 3. If you want to ensure a pleasant 5 - 10 minute escape. You can do a few things, I'll list them in the order of effectiveness to do to the stall next to you.a. Throw some water on the seat, people will think it's urineb. Pee on the seatc. Spread some melted chocolate on the seat (shake I know you work with some fat bitches that surely have a Hershey bar or two in a candy dish on their desk)d. chew up some of the chocolate then spit the half chewed mess on and in the toilet (think explosion)If the above don't thwart the assailants actions, you need to have a water bottle in the stall with you. Start moaning, the pour the water in the bowl in spurts, so it sound like forceful diarrhea. Then soak some TP stand up, and drop it from a foot above. It will plop, just try to no get any on you. After that say, hey man, sorry about the stall in there. I had to come over here because I was making my self sick being in there.These tactics will ensure nobody will go in the bathroom if you are already in there. We can go further if need be...

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Dread Aidan

Dread Aidan 8

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If the above don't thwart the assailants actions, you need to have a water bottle in the stall with you. Start moaning, the pour the water in the bowl in spurts, so it sound like forceful diarrhea. Then soak some TP stand up, and drop it from a foot above. It will plop, just try to no get any on you. After that say, hey man, sorry about the stall in there. I had to come over here because I was making my self sick being in there.
I'm going to assume that shy-shitters aren't going to be comfortable doing the above.
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Roll the Bones

Roll the Bones 74

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Craziest thanksgiving ever:Other gems:1) Before we arrived, apparently one of the family friends asked her what she is thankful for and she replied: "that we leave Friday morning".2) One of my wife's family friends wrote on Facebook last Monday that "oh no, might be tornadoes in Jersey this Thanksgiving" to which bro in law's wife replied "one can only hope."3) Bro in law's wife started the fight by saying how awful we were for not putting her in our wedding pictures.....which was almost 5 years ago....and she was just a girlfriend at the time. But then, she followed that by telling us that we were "lucky" that she put my wife in HER wedding (even though she is the sister of the groom lol). 4) they changed their daughter's poopy diaper in the middle of the TV room and then left the dirty diaper on the tv room table for an hour before my father in law finally threw it out.
My mom hurt her leg TDay morning requiring an ambulance. Sister had symptoms of heart attack a few minutes later requiring second ambulance. Given that my sister in law had a mastectomy a week prior and wasn't coming, we (after briefly considering the pluses of none of them being there) canceled TDay to everyone's relief.
and you should know that it turned out fantastic too. just the best. same guy that gave me the original meat is going out again today and said he'd give me more if he killed anything. gotta stock up; december 21st 2012 is right around the corner.and cane, what speedz said is right, the brother, you're wife's brother I believe?, is the real asshole here. the family really needs to have a talk with that guy.but really though, I mean why the fuck do people even have families? what a bunch of idiots.
I found it amusing that he just sat back and watched her go ballistic. He must be into bald chicks or something and don't want to mess it up.
Oh hey. Another woman i find endlesly attractive is Rachel McAdams.mcadams.jpg
Yep, she's squeezable.
Great, being handed off to a physicians assistant. Ya, like the guy in the $3,000 Northface jacket wants to be seen by a PA. COME ON!Cane, you get first dibs at the lawful death lawsuit when she (A WOMAN NO LESS) misdiagnoses me and my gall bladder explodes. Guap gets to handle my financial biz-nass.Cane, first order of business is sending my recommendation letter for Strat for my old job once I am post-mortem, or whatever. Chip chop chip.Edit: Also, Cane, make sure Shake gets my bed to not have sex on either. He has to get his own bedset though, that babies going in the coffin with me.
Social networking is amazing! Or life ****ing wasting. Both awesome!
Yes?"Sorbet"
I have been snooty and calling it Gelato. Get some class people.
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Roll the Bones

Roll the Bones 74

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Interesting stuff. I'm surpised I haven't seen this in the news. That seems more important than child rape.
Got to visit the burial ground of Christ and touch the wailing wall (and wear a yarmulke) today. Not very exciting for me, but I'm sure Brv would have enjoyed it (minus the yarmulke).
Go on....
Who's Rebecca Black?Start going to Kevin Rahner in Johnston. He's at the Mercy Family Clinic, and he's like the greatest doctor in the history of the world. I can not possibly emphasize how great he is.I would only be interested in visiting Israel because it's in the Middle East, and I love the Middle East. I have no special desire to see anything in particular.The order of the places I desire to travel:1. Jordan (Petra)2. Australia (anywhere)3. Antarctica (anywhere)4. China5. Egypt (mainly around Cairo or Alexandria)6. Anywhere else in the Middle East7. Afghanistan (It's only this low because I've already been there. But I loved it and want to go back badly.)8. Pitcairn Island/Easter Island/Galapagos Islands (There are all in the same general area)9. London (Museums only)10. Amsterdam (Museums only)
This is just all wrong. I think we need BRACKETS!
I just survived 9 days without internet access in my home.
omfg!
god damn it, my new bed's all sweaty and napa's still alive. NOTHING EVER WORKS OUT FOR ME
Well, look on the bright side, you did manage to avoid a Taj Mahal.
This was a pretty awesome punctuation to the story.Your life doesn't really make a lot of sense to me. It's just a little too insane and great.
yep. His wife reminds me of my mom years back when she was married to my dad. She'd do whatever to get him out of the house. win/win!
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Roll the Bones

Roll the Bones 74

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So that's a no then?
No right now I could use some of bean's concoction.I have a pretty good ability to adapt to various customers in order to communicate on their level. Like people like each other so I tend to adopt some of their mannerisms and speech when I talk to them. Nothing drastic per se, but definately a little variation. For instance some various customers I have been working with include, a 50 year old black guy with a strong African accent and is loud and laughs a lot looking at a 80K mile Chrysler 300, a 40ish Japanese executive that is looking at an 08 BMW X5 for $35K, and a young couple from Appalachia that are near illiterate and need special finance buying a 289K mile Honda Pilot with outrageous rates and terms. So, with the African I get loud and laugh a lot with him. With the Jap I get serious, talk even and calmly and look him directly in the eyes, and I have to speak a whole different language you guys wouldn't understand to the hillbillies which includes guffaws and snorts. It got really awkward when they all showed up at the same time and were in my small office due to the cold rain outside. Christ, they must think I am schitzo about now. . Either they think I am an awesome communicator or full of bullshit. On the other hand, they all purchased so I guess that's all that matters
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