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I Called In Sick Today

turd ferguson

By turd ferguson,
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ShakeZuma

ShakeZuma 585

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money?
oh come on this shit was funny
brother's in town. made me run errands with him and listen to laura ingraham. you know, doctor, fucking genius, tells me how I'm 100% wrong on everything. had the arrogance to blame my joblessness on my vote for obama.
love him already
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speedz99

speedz99 145

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oh come on this shit was funny
It was fine, but once you've posted a story about trying to buttfuck your buddy's girlfriend (who happens to be another buddy's sister), it's really all downhill from there.
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ShakeZuma

ShakeZuma 585

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It was fine, but once you've posted a story about trying to buttfuck your buddy's girlfriend (who happens to be another buddy's sister), it's really all downhill from there.
boy you didn't pay attention at ALL to my story did you.
Yet you got a job that doesn't make you sad during the Obama administration. I think a thank you letter needs to be sent, huh?
still not getting laid. blaming that one on obama.
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speedz99

speedz99 145

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boy you didn't pay attention at ALL to my story did you.
Sure I did. Your close friend has a sister, another one of your close friends is dating her and wants to propose as soon as he can scrape together enough cash to buy the ring she deserves, she started to wonder if he'd ever pop the question, and you took advantage of the situation by getting her drunk, commiserating with her, and then boning her in the ass. What'd I miss?
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Skeleton Jelly

Skeleton Jelly 2

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Sure I did. Your close friend has a sister, another one of your close friends is dating her and wants to propose as soon as he can scrape together enough cash to buy the ring she deserves, she started to wonder if he'd ever pop the question, and you took advantage of the situation by getting her drunk, commiserating with her, and then boning her in the ass. What'd I miss?
dizzy_girl.jpg
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SBriand

SBriand 4

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Sure I did. Your close friend has a sister, another one of your close friends is dating her and wants to propose as soon as he can scrape together enough cash to buy the ring she deserves, she started to wonder if he'd ever pop the question, and you took advantage of the situation by getting her drunk, commiserating with her, and then boning her in the ass. What'd I miss?
Wait, what? I missed this story somewhere.
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SBriand

SBriand 4

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steve where are the rosters on yahoo? you said you did them or something? I don't get it.
Can't see rosters till I hit Begin Season. Can't hit begin season till the "draft" is over. So Dan, Rich, and Arp need to sign up before I can do that.
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strategy

strategy 4

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Can't see rosters till I hit Begin Season. Can't hit begin season till the "draft" is over. So Dan, Rich, and Arp need to sign up before I can do that.
I am actually passing my team on to andre when the time comes, fyi. I don't know if I can make that decision but that is what I will put in my will.
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speedz99

speedz99 145

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Theraflu, you better be watching the new "30 for 30". If now, catch it on ESPN2 at 11pm, or at least tape it. It is...while most likely obnoxious for most people...awesome.

dizzy_girl.jpg
I'd still fuck her. God I love asians.
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Theraflu

Theraflu 1,035

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Theraflu, you better be watching the new "30 for 30". If now, catch it on ESPN2 at 11pm, or at least tape it. It is...while most likely obnoxious for most people...awesome.
I'm enjoying it. I'm pretty ambivalent about "fandom" in general now, especially in baseball...but I can never get enough of these games.
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Sickinfo2

Sickinfo2 291

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Earlier this evening I was being chauffeured around town by the kid and his buddies. I sat in the backseat drinking beer, popping in the conversation once in a while to add an amusing comment or story when the following conversation took place...."Hey Mr. Icewater, were you always a troublemaker....even as a small kid?""Well, yes I was""What was your first stunt and how old were you?"(drinks last swing of Nevada)"Hmmm...."(closeup of Beans pinching chin turns cloudy then refocuses on a six year old Beans in first grade on the first day of school)(Teacher sitting outside with students in a circle formation)"Ok kids....lets start off by introducing ourselves and telling a little about ourselves!"(Introductions begin)Once that was out of the way, she went on with numerous games that ended with the one that launched my carrier in the fine art of public humiliation of others..."Alright...now we are going to do a little experiment. We will learn first hand how facts can change dramatically as they are retold from person to person. I am going to whisper something in Jennys ear, then she will whisper it to the next person, and on down the line. Once everyone has heard and repeated it, we will then ask Jenny what she was told and compare it to what Jon heard....Ready?"(teacher whispers something to Jenny)Now at this point I probably need to tell you that sitting in the third seat was my mortal enemy, David Memo. David and I had a colorful history in kindergarten of fighting, feuding, hating, and insulting each other with every ounce of our soles. The fighting escalated immensely one sunny day during kickball when I accidentally kicked him multiple times in the groin for absolutely nothing at all. At the principals inquisition, the facts revealed that not only did poor David suffer a few cantaloupe sized bruises, but also a similarly sized pile of shit in his Spiderman Underoos during the unfortunate incident. I was let off with a verbal warning, David with the shame that more than likely lasts to this day. I know for sure that it lasted until he dropped out in the tenth grade....I personally made sure of thatAnyway, when the "fact" came around to yours truly, I couldnt help but twist it slightly before passing it on to the kid on my left. My fellow students downwind of my alteration seemed to really enjoy the game more that the first half of the group, smiling and even giggling a short spell before passing it on to the last person in line, Jon."Alright....Jenny, what were you told?""Uh....Fluffy the cat had a long tail"(Teacher looks around at kids before turning to Jon)"And what did you hear Jon?""David Memo pooped his pants last year at recess"(Loud laughter)"Uh...."At this point I realized that my little ass could get busted very easy by a simple backtrack of information starting with Jon. Just about the time she suggested that we do just that I had already conjured up an escape plan, though...(Aggravated teacher commences backtracking sequence that leads to me)"And what did you hear Billy?""David Memo pooped his pants.....didnt hear the recess part""I DIDNT TELL HIM THAT...HES LYING MRS. BANTASH""NO IM NOT!"The trial pretty much ended there although it was obvious to all involved that I was the source of the misinformation. Its probably a bad thing that I wasnt convicted though...it probably would have saved the folks a lot of misery down the road with unscheduled parent/teacher conferences and such...(scene fades back in to present day Beans polishing off another Nevada)"Wow....you were born a natural hoodlum, Mr. Icewater""Call me Beans...everyone does"

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speedz99

speedz99 145

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I'm a little drunk. I was going to post something, but beans posted a story, so now what I post will probably be pathetic in comparison, and I'm too drunk/lazy to actually read the beans story, so I'll have to just forego my own little diddy. Ditty? Diddy, I think.

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Tiltinagain

Tiltinagain 973

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And yet, the mere mention of the story already has more responses than your "money" joke.
Ouch!
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