Jump to content

I Called In Sick Today

turd ferguson

By turd ferguson,
in General

 Share Followers 7

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 268.1k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Ron_Mexico

    19414

  • speedz99

    16304

  • Napa Lite

    7767

  • ShakeZuma

    7517

Popular Days

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Days

Popular Posts

BigDMcGee

and after 3 days, he is risen!

David_Sklansky

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

AmScray

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

Posted Images

El Guapo

El Guapo 8

Posted
Posted

It's one of my wife's best friends 30th birthday today. She is married to one of my best friends. Let's call them Jason and Erin, since that's their real names and I suck at the fake name game.Jason is a flake. He never answers his phone and is pretty much unreliable unless you pin him down. He works for a major technology firm, think Office Space, and is working like 70+ hrs a week trying to get a promotion.We call Erin Talks A Lot, because, well, she talks a lot. She called my wife and spewed for about 2 hours today. My wife was supposed to help plan a surprise party for her tonight, but since we have so much going on in our life right now she had to back out. As of 2 hours ago, nothing was planned for tonight, hence the 2 hour spewing. From this spewing my wife learned that Jason almost cheated on Erin. How or why I am not sure of, but apparently it was with someone he works with and it was emotional, not physical. Apparently they never did anything physical, at all.As of right now, that is all I know. My wife did however help coordinate a dinner for her, and we are watching their son tonight. I will find out more details tonight, right now I am in shock (not literally) because this is not the type of person he is at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CaneBrain

CaneBrain 95

Posted
Posted
It is also known as: not actually cheating on your wife.
Like what "actually" happened means anything to a woman. And you call yourself a "professor".
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sickinfo2

Sickinfo2 291

Posted
Posted

Well, ole Beans is back home, safe and physically sound...Its been a tough grind these last few weeksOther than a quick page scan of my last few posts, I have no idea whats been going on... no, nothing out of the ordinary for me when Im around, eitherI plan on re-stocking the desk fridge....the "caretaker" neighbor kid wiped it clean.... and performing a thorough katchup in the next few rotations of the earth...Quick story from the gulf outing...I was called to duty at the last moment and had no tools whatsoever, so I obtained a credit card from my employer to cover the expenses and drove to the local Home Depot in a truck plastered with oil company signs all over it. Now, normally this isnt such a big deal, but this particular oil company has a less than ideal public image at this point in time. Once I became accustomed to the fingers and other foul mouthed remarks at every intersection, it was really not much different than driving through my own neighborhood here at home. More Hispanics yelling things I couldnt understand, thoughAnyway, once at my destination, I parked in the no parking zone right next to the door and sauntered in holding a Michelob and started shopping. Yeah, I sometimes forget Im not in Vegas anymore. I piled three shopping carts full of the most expensive tools that I could find and made my way to the register. Before you ask, yes, they are currently in my shop as we speak. Full thieving rights were called for in this instance. The cashier this particular day was a middle aged fellow that enjoyed talking about himself and took great pride in his obligation to the company that hired him, as you will soon see in the following conversation...."You find everything alright today?""I couldnt located the limes"(blank look)"Would you like me to check on their availability?"(blank look)"No"(fifteen minutes of scanning items)(Beans walks around looking at masonry trowels and gloves)(more scanning)(Beans leaves card on counter and walks out to cooler)(another fifteen minutes of scanning, making sure to check the screen each and every time that the item has registered)"Uh... dont the little "beep" confirm that the item has successfully scanned?"(glances back at the increasingly upset patrons in line)"I gotta account for each item, sir.... dont wanna miss a sale""Well....ok, then"It was at this time that some guy walked out the large garage door holding something in his hand. I didnt see what it was, but it obviously didnt go through the same security checkpoint that I was being subjected to and set off an alarm, creating total panic in my personal checker and triggering the following events..."SIR! STOP! STOP! COME BACK!"(checker disappears out the door)(Beans turns to find everyone behind gone to faster registers)(five minutes later checker re-appears and grabs phone)"SECURITY! WE HAVE A CODE 456 AT COMMERCIAL SALES!"(ten minutes or so of jabbering)"Uh um.....uh, if you wouldnt mind here, Felipe (not his real name...but good odds it was) Id like to leave here before the cleaning crew arrives tonight""Oh, so sorry, sir.... uh..... your total is eight fifty seven thirty nine"(Beans glances at last cart that he didnt get to)"Ok...."(hands over card and signs "Deputy Dog" on sign thingy)So all in all, I didnt really gain anything by rolling out the most expensive cart for free, but in my drunken mind it was another instance of something I like to call "Beans Redemption"The best part was rolling it out and triggering the alarm one again with several store managers and a jake-legged security guy standing right there..."Go ahead mister... dont pay any attention to the alarm"I smiled all the way back to the cooler...GOOD NIGHT AND DRIVE SAFELY!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Southern Buddhist

Southern Buddhist 1

Posted
Posted
If anyone in this thread plays poker seriously, you should move to Florida. I am winning so much money at the local casinos on weekends/weeknights that my mom and wife were discussing whether they should encourage me to quit my job and play full time. These are the same two women who were on my case non-stop to get a job in the first place. And I am not even that good at poker.
Florida is where I am now (Tallahassee). I've been here a month and already met an English Lit major who just took down a tournament in Tampa for about $10K. ENGLISH LIT -- that's got to say something about how easy poker is in Florida.
Like what "actually" happened means anything to a woman. And you call yourself a "professor".
This made me chuckle, but even some guys would agree that pure physical fucking on the side isn't so painful as having your spouse love somebody that's no longer you.
Beans story
I have a friend who has the exact same kind of thing happen to him -- some kind of good thief karma or something. And although I could never replicate it, I've seen him ply a salesgirl with such a blizzard of convoluted math, surreptitious flirting, and Jedi mind control that he had her fully convinced that the 50% off sale that started the next day actually applied to the jeans in his hand at that moment.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sickinfo2

Sickinfo2 291

Posted
Posted
some kind of good thief karma or something....
I hate to toot my own horn....well, not in a public setting anyway, but Im pretty sure that I could have been a great thiefIts another story for another time, but lets just say that my last invention that affixes to a gas pump nozzle with a twelve volt siphon pump to fill your tank without paying is already triggering the powers that be to install new check valves in every pump across the nationAlthough I didnt use the device for personal use, I did profit handsomely from it by not having to loan Shane gas money for a couple years...
beans, I think you missed the whole story of me wanting to buy my first gun. Are you ok with the Sig 522 as a first-timer range-only plinker?
The last one I saw was in the four hundred range or so...I dont have one personally, so I have no idea if they are any good or not. Sometimes the major manufacturers have been known to skimp on the quality of the rimfires....Walther and Colt come immediately to mind. Walthers P22 was a nightmare of a piece when it first came out.... I think theyre better now, though. Colt did such a bad job with the twenty two variant of the AR15 that one guy I know sold a crate of them for pennies on the dollar with the warning that they were total junk in the adPersonally, Id spring for a "real" Ar15 in two twenty three caliber for around the same money, then purchase a rimfire conversion kit from CMMG for it. Not only would you have two caliber options, but in the future you could accessorize it with almost unlimited options like free float handguards, adjustable trigger, any optics from Aimpoints to lasers, retractable stock, etc. Basically any "tactiicool" thing you can imagine. Plus the barrel would be threaded for that upcoming suppressor purchase if they allow them up there. AR's have a huge aftermarket for accessories and spare parts, so if something does break youll always be able to fix it. I think the last conversion I bought was around a hundred and twenty five with one thirty round magThen later down the road you can buy uppers in almost any caliber you wish an pop it on the lower in about twenty seconds and have a new gunResale value of a AR and the conversion will most likely allow you to recoup your full investment down the road if you ever get tired of it as well....If any of this made sense and youre interested, Ill help you find the best one for the money as well as the proper rate of twist to best stabilize the twenty two round for best accuracyedit... did a few seconds of pricingComplete rifle kit less lower: $495Lower: $109Conversion: $135Sig 522: $469So it'd be around a couple hundred more depending on local pricing and what can be found on the internet. You can buy any part of the AR through the mail except the lower which has to go thru an FFL in your state
Link to post
Share on other sites
brvheart

brvheart 1,757

Posted
Posted
Personally, Id spring for a "real" Ar15
Look who's agreeing with brvheart!
Link to post
Share on other sites
El Guapo

El Guapo 8

Posted
Posted

I know nobody really cares, because it was not that interesting, but I have more information on the Jason almost cheating situation.I don't think it was almost cheating at all. He was exchanging e mails with a girl he was working with and they were confiding in each other about their relationship problems. Apparently it was pretty detailed, I don't know any specifics of what was shared.My take is that it is definitely inappropriate, but no where close to cheating. Pretty anti climactic. Well, that doesn't really work, because I think to be anti climactic, there needs to be an anticipation for some sort climax. So what would this be? A lame ending to a fairly benign story?

Link to post
Share on other sites
loogie

loogie 115

Posted
Posted
goin to sing some karaoke tonight for a friend's bday and feeling like the well's run a bit dry with my old standards. song suggestions?
I'm gonna need range and tone deafness stats.
Link to post
Share on other sites
CaneBrain

CaneBrain 95

Posted
Posted
I know nobody really cares, because it was not that interesting, but I have more information on the Jason almost cheating situation.I don't think it was almost cheating at all. He was exchanging e mails with a girl he was working with and they were confiding in each other about their relationship problems. Apparently it was pretty detailed, I don't know any specifics of what was shared.My take is that it is definitely inappropriate, but no where close to cheating. Pretty anti climactic. Well, that doesn't really work, because I think to be anti climactic, there needs to be an anticipation for some sort climax. So what would this be? A lame ending to a fairly benign story?
not even sure it is inappropriate. she's a friend, people confide things to friends.
Link to post
Share on other sites
loogie

loogie 115

Posted
Posted
I don't think it was almost cheating at all. He was exchanging e mails with a girl he was working with and they were confiding in each other about their relationship problems. Apparently it was pretty detailed, I don't know any specifics of what was shared.My take is that it is definitely inappropriate, but no where close to cheating.
His relationship with the coworker is/was probably good for his marriage. Separation in 3..2..
Link to post
Share on other sites
Naked_Cowboy

Naked_Cowboy 0

Posted
Posted
goin to sing some karaoke tonight for a friend's bday and feeling like the well's run a bit dry with my old standards. song suggestions?
johnny b goode, back to the future style.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share
Followers 7
Go to topic listing

Announcements

×
×
  • Create New...