I Called In Sick Today

[vbnautilus 48]

Honestly this situation is starting to throw up some warning lights for me. Typically girls who are so overt with their sexuality are using it as some form of manipulation. Please report back on her relationship with her father.

[JoeyJoJo 18]

Please report back on her relationship with her father.

lol, she's black.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

lol, she's black.

boom

[Tactical Bear 3]

lol, she's black.

. . .

[speedz99 145]

I should be in love, right? Except, she has the following imperfections:

So, you know how for you every girl is either a 0 or a 1 in the looks department? I'm that way in the compatibility department...in regards to relationships, I either really like a girl or can't stand the sight of her for more than three minutes (I'll let you guess why). Unfortunately, only about .01% of the population is a 1. A girl could be perfect on paper and I might still be...well, in the situation you just described.I don't know...you either have it or you don't.

Honestly this situation is starting to throw up some warning lights for me.

Starting?

lol, she's black.

[Randy Reed 0]

Wow, lots of good stuff to get to and I didn't even read the confession thread.

ok so it's looking like the girl I slept with last night stole twenty bucks and my underwear. that's new.

Tighty witeys or boxers with Garfield on them? And uh, i'm pretty sure the $20 didn't cover the cab to civilation fromyour house.

So a couple of nights ago I forgot to close the study door before I went to bed. Around 5:30 a.m., I hear a a big noise and when I go into the hallway, I see our dog coughing up a hairball. He's gotten into our kitchen before so I figured that's what happened but he then moved into the living room to pick up a stuffed animal. It took me a second, but I realized it was our pet chinchilla. I got the chinchilla away from him but it was too late as his neck had been snapped.Our dog had knocked the dust bin off of the cage (the noise) where the chinchilla liked to stay so it only took a few seconds to kill him unfortunately before I got there.Sigh.....our chinchilla was such a nice mellow cute fellow - anyone know a good chinchilla tattoo I could get?

Hell with the tatoo (I did lol at the joke though), just make her Barbie doll a nice coat.

did anyone else think the poor chinchilla was screwed the moment andre decided to keep the dog?

I must admit, I thought it was a matter of time...

Well, I'm sold. Good luck with the new one... take more pictures this time.I'm not sure what we're trying to do to MDG here.

Me either but it is fun watching him try to figure out who's who.

Their only chance is to put small animals in a very, very strong cage.

I have a story I'll post in a bit.

Dogs are the worssstDogs are the worssstSeriously, fit the dog with some lead boots and throw him in the river. Chinchillas are way better.

Whoah there missy, what happened to that good natured midwestern attitude we tryied to learn ya.

Okay, so this girl I'm seeing is perfect for the following reasons:1) She loves sex.2) She does not appear to hate sex with me.3) She understands everything I say without me having to explain it to her.4) She has read pretty much every book I have ever read, which includes the following: weird/bad fantasy, graphic novels, everything by Steve Martin, et. al.5) She thinks I'm funny, and usually understands exactly where to laugh.6) She thinks I am physically attractive.7) She is physically attractive. (This is a binary consideration for me. Women are basically either "0" or "1" when it comes to looks, though that doesn't stop me from coldly and objectively rating them on a scale of 1-100.)8) She likes videogames. (I kicked her ass at the original Halo a few nights ago.) 9) She likes bars.10) She likes strip clubs.11) She has access to drugs, and feels more comfortable taking them when I take them as well.I could probably go on. I should be in love, right? Except, she has the following imperfections:1) Every time she speaks I want to punch her in the face. What is wrong with me? I'm pretty sure if I keep seeing her, she'll be in love with me -- I have no idea why, but God Help Me, I'm certain of it -- in a matter of weeks. And I feel almost nothing for her, outside of a vague kind of affection that is quickly drowned in annoyance. I shall attempt to expound upon the one-item list above:1) She really, really likes herself. A lot. She tells everybody that she went to Cornell, and lived in New York City, and used to be an event planner, and... just shut up. You went to a second-rate Ivy League, school, and nobody cares, and shut up. Just stop. Stop. Oh, you're not done? You're going to keep going? Okay, well, I'll be over here in this corner trying to figure out whether or not I can strangle myself with my XBox cables. I don't want to die; I just want to pass out for a little bit, maybe snag a little retrograde amnesia. 2) She is obnoxiously sexual. I'm not sure if it's contrived, but it feels that way, especially when she points it out. I noticed, okay? I already saw. You don't have to make reference to it every 20 minutes. Could you maybe just let it sit there? It works better if you don't talk about it all the time. If I have to hear another story about how somebody told you that you "ooze sexuality" I'm going to scream. The scream will not be even mildly sexual, not even for you, since it will be punctuated by: my sweet release from this waking life as I blow my brains out the back of my skull.3) She makes me uncomfortable in public. I picked her up after her shift the other day, and she introduced me to a few of her friends/coworkers. I met 5 women. Each of them had heard about me. Two of them referred to me as "The Hottie from the Beer Tent." Twice, as we were walking away from people I had just met, she turned around and said, "I tooooold you he was hot." Don't say that. You don't ever say that. First, I'm not attractive enough to fuel your broggadocian streak. Secondly, that's such a stupid, juvenile way of putting that. Third, why would you do that? Why would you make a fool of yourself and me like that? Why would you just turn around, in front of me, and say that? It makes everyone look stupid, and it makes me feel stupid, and it's all because: you are stupid. Stupid stupid dumb stupid dumb ignoramus dumb. 4) She is self-absorbed. You know how much I said on our first date? Maybe 50 words over 5 hours. I would ask a question, then she would talk about herself for an hour. I might nod here and there, but that's about it. At the end of our first date, I knew everything about: her educational and work background; her friends; her cats; her ex-boyfriends; her aspirations; her political leanings; her tastes in fashion; her family; and much, much more. About me, she knew: my name, that I was single, and that I was better than her at air hockey. She didn't know a thing, and apparently didn't even care. How can she like me? SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME. God, I've been seeing this girl for, like, a week and now I'll have to break up with her if we stop seeing each other. I miss Maggie.

This is probably my favorite Wang post of all time, well definately top ten. I'll probably comment on this as well.

INCORRECT. she took the money from my pants. the underwear, I believe, were on the floor. I don't have an underwear drawer, I have an underwear bag.

hahaha, at least we have a new name for this chick.

[Sal Paradise 57]

So, you know how for you every girl is either a 0 or a 1 in the looks department? I'm that way in the compatibility department...in regards to relationships, I either really like a girl or can't stand the sight of her for more than three minutes (I'll let you guess why). Unfortunately, only about .01% of the population is a 1. A girl could be perfect on paper and I might still be...well, in the situation you just described.

so you're saying you're only attracted to about .01% of the female population? speedz, I think it's time to come to terms with some stuff here bud.

Tighty witeys or boxers with Garfield on them? And uh, i'm pretty sure the $20 didn't cover the cab to civilation from your house.

calvin klein boxer briefs (that's right). I'm fucking pimp.and I live in TOWN dammit.

[Randy Reed 0]

I used to have a black Lhasa Apsa named BlackJack. My daughter, the pet lover, came home with a long haired white bunny with cage and accessories one day. I told her it wasn't a good idea, the bunny would be stuck in the cage and well, if you let it out it would tend to leave a trail of bunny poop all over the house. Oh well, what's a dad to do??I started bringing the bunny cage out and eventually the dog quit barking like a madman and settled down a bit. I slowly kept petting and handling the bunny till it got comfortable with me. At first it would just take off flying. I was leary about holding it because I knew if it bolted the dog would chase it as well so I would put the dog out until the bunny got okay with that.Eventually one night my daughter came home and I had the bunny cage in the living room and the dog and bunny were in there sleeping together. Also, eventually the daughter left her door open when no one was home and the bunny is probably in charge of heaven's welcome wagon for murdered chinchillas. I don't think Blackjack and the bunny had the same idea of how to play hide-and-seek.Cute pet pic alert---- I am working on getting a pic of my step-daughters friends Bengal cat and dog snuggled together on the couch sleeping.

[speedz99 145]

so you're saying you're only attracted to about .01% of the female population? speedz, I think it's time to come to terms with some stuff here bud.

No no, I'm attracted to many of them. Really any that fall below the 12% body fat line. I just can't stand most of them personally.It's nothing against women...my 'friend' standards run about the same in terms of final percentages. I just don't like having a large volume of contact with most people, and in a relationship you have to spend a ton of time together, something I'm unwilling to do unless I really, really enjoy that person's company. Is that so unusual?

[gobears 0]

Also, eventually the daughter left her door open when no one was home and the bunny is probably in charge of heaven's welcome wagon for murdered chinchillas. I don't think Blackjack and the bunny had the same idea of how to play hide-and-seek.

Two bunny stories that I know - can't remember if I've shared them before.One of my friends and his eight year old daughter had their bunny out and the bunny was playing/jumping around on the front lawn. Neighborhood dog comes running over, grabs bunny, a few shakes and goodbye bunny. The neighbor was very sorry about the incident.Another friend's daughter liked to sleep with her pet bunny. One night, she rolls over and good bye bunny.

[Sal Paradise 57]

it's not just a river speedz, it's not just a river.

[speedz99 145]

Jesus, the guy gets robbed laid once and now he thinks he's an expert on heterosexuality.

[Randy Reed 0]

Okay, so this girl I'm seeing is perfect for the following reasons:1) She loves sex.2) She does not appear to hate sex with me.3) She understands everything I say without me having to explain it to her.4) She has read pretty much every book I have ever read, which includes the following: weird/bad fantasy, graphic novels, everything by Steve Martin, et. al.5) She thinks I'm funny, and usually understands exactly where to laugh.6) She thinks I am physically attractive.7) She is physically attractive. (This is a binary consideration for me. Women are basically either "0" or "1" when it comes to looks, though that doesn't stop me from coldly and objectively rating them on a scale of 1-100.)8) She likes videogames. (I kicked her ass at the original Halo a few nights ago.) 9) She likes bars.10) She likes strip clubs.11) She has access to drugs, and feels more comfortable taking them when I take them as well.I could probably go on. I should be in love, right? Except, she has the following imperfections:1) Every time she speaks I want to punch her in the face. What is wrong with me? I'm pretty sure if I keep seeing her, she'll be in love with me -- I have no idea why, but God Help Me, I'm certain of it -- in a matter of weeks. And I feel almost nothing for her, outside of a vague kind of affection that is quickly drowned in annoyance. I shall attempt to expound upon the one-item list above:1) She really, really likes herself. A lot. She tells everybody that she went to Cornell, and lived in New York City, and used to be an event planner, and... just shut up. You went to a second-rate Ivy League, school, and nobody cares, and shut up. Just stop. Stop. Oh, you're not done? You're going to keep going? Okay, well, I'll be over here in this corner trying to figure out whether or not I can strangle myself with my XBox cables. I don't want to die; I just want to pass out for a little bit, maybe snag a little retrograde amnesia. 2) She is obnoxiously sexual. I'm not sure if it's contrived, but it feels that way, especially when she points it out. I noticed, okay? I already saw. You don't have to make reference to it every 20 minutes. Could you maybe just let it sit there? It works better if you don't talk about it all the time. If I have to hear another story about how somebody told you that you "ooze sexuality" I'm going to scream. The scream will not be even mildly sexual, not even for you, since it will be punctuated by: my sweet release from this waking life as I blow my brains out the back of my skull.3) She makes me uncomfortable in public. I picked her up after her shift the other day, and she introduced me to a few of her friends/coworkers. I met 5 women. Each of them had heard about me. Two of them referred to me as "The Hottie from the Beer Tent." Twice, as we were walking away from people I had just met, she turned around and said, "I tooooold you he was hot." Don't say that. You don't ever say that. First, I'm not attractive enough to fuel your broggadocian streak. Secondly, that's such a stupid, juvenile way of putting that. Third, why would you do that? Why would you make a fool of yourself and me like that? Why would you just turn around, in front of me, and say that? It makes everyone look stupid, and it makes me feel stupid, and it's all because: you are stupid. Stupid stupid dumb stupid dumb ignoramus dumb. 4) She is self-absorbed. You know how much I said on our first date? Maybe 50 words over 5 hours. I would ask a question, then she would talk about herself for an hour. I might nod here and there, but that's about it. At the end of our first date, I knew everything about: her educational and work background; her friends; her cats; her ex-boyfriends; her aspirations; her political leanings; her tastes in fashion; her family; and much, much more. About me, she knew: my name, that I was single, and that I was better than her at air hockey. She didn't know a thing, and apparently didn't even care. How can she like me? SHE DOESN'T KNOW ME. God, I've been seeing this girl for, like, a week and now I'll have to break up with her if we stop seeing each other. I miss Maggie.

On the surface I would say marry her. It would never last but she would probably be open to bringing other woman home for some taj action, tons of wild sex on demand and well, you'll eventually find out that she's been banging everything including the doorknob behind your back but really, it all might be worth it.As far as her being self-absorbed, insecure, and a motormouth just know that that comes with the package. If she wasn't so overtly sexual she'd lose the appeal she does have and be boring. It's kind of like my son's organ giving girlfriend who is sexy but dumb as rock, "what's the problem?" And really, at least she didn't steal your boxers and cash.

[El Guapo 8]

I am going to start running her over in conversation ASAP.

97% of the arguments my wife and I have are because I supposedly don't listen to her.I stick to a theory I heard a few years ago from a radio DJ (so it has to be right). There was a study done that said that men don't properly process the tone of womens voices. This surprisingly does not help when brought up during an argument.

[Sal Paradise 57]

Jesus, the guy gets robbed laid once and now he thinks he's an expert on heterosexuality.

god could you imagine if I ever got a new job?

[JoeyJoJo 18]

On the surface I would say marry her. It would never last but she would probably be open to bringing other woman home for some taj action, tons of wild sex on demand and well, you'll eventually find out that she's been banging everything including the doorknob behind your back but really, it all might be worth it.

That's, um, an interesting take on who is marriage material.

[El Guapo 8]

god could you imagine if I ever got a new job?

Have you ever considered becoming a head hunter?

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

did anyone else think the poor chinchilla was screwed the moment andre decided to keep the dog?

:raises hand:I said kill itNow I say kill it before it kills you

There is a chinchilla rescue group around here but I'm not sure if they'll let us adopt one after they find out how we lost the last one (our chinchilla was a purchase from a breeder made by my young brother who then left him with us when he moved down to L.A. about seven years ago)As for prospective Chins, these two look interesting.Stanley (ten months old)Snuffy (no age given)

Have you shown these pictures to the dog yet? See which one looks tasty to him then take the other one.

Okay, so this girl I'm seeing is perfect for the following reasons:1) She loves sex.God, I've been seeing this girl for, like, a week and now I'll have to break up with her if we stop seeing each other.

Why does nobody listen to me. Start pushing this girls sexual boundaries. Ask for rim jobs, ask to give her anal, ask if she has any friends that want to party. Be more sexual with your comments, try to get handjobs at the movies, make her send pics of herself fingerbanging her own ass to you on your phone, go for B-bombs, do anything and everything you can to go over the top and do it seriously, not goofily, like you would be naturally inclined to do. Now, either she does all of this stuff and you have stories for life, or she realizes with a dink she is for being a moderate version of that now and slows down all of the sex stuff and looks for a "connection"just for once, trust me.

lol, she's black.

this was brilliant. BrilliantI don't want to read that confession thread and the cliffs notes here didn't work for me, although it was fun to watch Sal, JJJ and Speedz shred MDG, the international man of the world who doesn't realize that you can be an internet forum poster AND have a life as well. Go figure.I had 4 orgasms from Saturday at 4pm until 10am Sunday, and there was a girl involved every time. I know, right?

[Randy Reed 0]

That's, um, an interesting take on who is marriage material.

Yeah, well I figure he's young and needs to learn from his mistake. Most guys given a choice in women betweenbrains and money will take the one with the big tits. If Wang's perfect girl intellectually was awful in bed he still wouldn't be happy so he might as well take the mouthy one that loves sex and tune her out like the rest of the malepopulation does. (As ELG says). Remember the words of the greatest philosopher I know, my friend Satch who said,"Chicks are headfucks"

[Sal Paradise 57]

I had 4 orgasms from Saturday at 4pm until 10am Sunday, and there was a girl involved every time. I know, right?

yeah but I bet you still have your underwear.

[JoeyJoJo 18]

Why does nobody listen to me. Start pushing this girls sexual boundaries. Ask for rim jobs, ask to give her anal, ask if she has any friends that want to party. Be more sexual with your comments, try to get handjobs at the movies, make her send pics of herself fingerbanging her own ass to you on your phone, go for B-bombs, do anything and everything you can to go over the top and do it seriously, not goofily, like you would be naturally inclined to do. Now, either she does all of this stuff and you have stories for life, or she realizes with a dink she is for being a moderate version of that now and slows down all of the sex stuff and looks for a "connection"

lol @ “not goofily, like you would be naturally inclined to do.”But did you forget that you’re talking to the guy who suggested watching The Departed when a girl said he could do anything?That being said, I like the advice and exactly the type of advice I would ignore to my own detriment if I was in that position.

[strategy 4]

:raises hand:I said kill itNow I say kill it before it kills youHave you shown these pictures to the dog yet? See which one looks tasty to him then take the other one.

all good.

[JoeyJoJo 18]

Yeah, well I figure he's young and needs to learn from his mistake.

That's, um, an interesting take on marriage.

[Quacktastic 106]

West Virginia!

[brvheart 1,752]

She has access to drugs

BIG surprise here!

I miss Maggie.

Is she not even a possibility anymore? I mean... can't you work your magic?Run from black-she-devil.

Honestly this situation is starting to throw up some warning lights for me. Typically girls who are so overt with their sexuality are using it as some form of manipulation. Please report back on her relationship with her father.

Dude, you work in a lab, not near a couch.

On the surface I would say marry her. It would never last but she would probably be open to bringing other woman home for some taj action, tons of wild sex on demand and well, you'll eventually find out that she's been banging everything including the doorknob behind your back but really, it all might be worth it.As far as her being self-absorbed, insecure, and a motormouth just know that that comes with the package. If she wasn't so overtly sexual she'd lose the appeal she does have and be boring. It's kind of like my son's organ giving girlfriend who is sexy but dumb as rock, "what's the problem?" And really, at least she didn't steal your boxers and cash.

1) I'm sad Joey already mentioned it, because the bolded is some seriously bad advice.2) It's not like your screen name is 'incognito'... aren't you concerned that your son or his soon-to-be wife will see you trashing her intelligence? specbrad ring any bells?