I Called In Sick Today

[El Guapo 8]

Im not going to comment on this any much more, but using the beer bottle and the toe of a size eleven and a half Nike shoe as a reference, you see that the bird dropping is ALMOST A FOOT AND A HALF in diameter....Now for those of you living in areas that this size bird dropping is normal, please disregard my drunken astonishment of this phenomenon....For the rest of you Ill upload the dog shitting pic shortly

It was probably from an Egret. You ever seen those things shit? They can blanket a windshield.

making an excuse to get out of giving a bj like 80% of women

I'm going with this one. She just didn't have it in here to go the distance. (For your sake, I hope she proves me wrong)Also, LG, it's Smegma

[beans-n-icewater 18]

Thought of this almost immediately. I have a few reasons to believe this is not the case:

If shes reluctant to perform the duty now, forget about it down the road for sure....I got one to completion last weekend, but only because I successfully got her back on the ground after two go-arounds in icing conditions and near zero visibility at a strange airportAfterwards, I got a pat on the ass and a command "Dont wake me up when you come back from the casino drunk"So all I can tell you is to save her life once in a while, or get really lucky in wind shear....

[speedz99 145]

So all I can tell you is to save her life once in a while, or get really lucky in wind shear....

Also, marry a woman who wouldn't stop and realize that it was your fault you were flying in shitty conditions in the first place. But nice work on the beej.

[LadyGrey 6]

Also, LG, it's Smegma

Wang's girlfriend's name is MAGgie. Too subtle?

[silkyjonson 1]

A little Lamisil should get the Beej train right back on track.

[El Guapo 8]

Wang's girlfriend's name is MAGgie. Too subtle?

Possibly, you can also factor in that I am extremely dense + sleep deprived. So I can't say for sure.

[beans-n-icewater 18]

Also, marry a woman who wouldn't stop and realize that it was your fault you were flying in shitty conditions in the first place. But nice work on the beej.

It was actually her fault for planning the mission.... I avoid "hard IFR" whenever possibleTwo missed approaches is my max, but a regional made it after I called it off the second time and I had enough fuelUninteresting story from the trip....I always tell my passengers to keep quiet during all approaches so I can hear the tower and other aircraft entering the pattern, but the wife and her sisters had other things to do...."Baron XXX decend to three thousand slow to one five zero""Roger three thousand...one five zero....BaronXXX""I think we should hit that new outlet place by the El Dorado""Hey guys.... keep it quiet for a minute please""BaronXXX.... report outer marker""I hear that shopping center west of town is pretty cool"(Beans cycles anti-ice boots and glances at solid IMC thru windscreen""SHUT THE HELL UP UNTIL WE LAND, OK?""BaronXXX contact tower 118.8.... goodnight""Roger 118.8...goodnight""I need to hit a Bulid a Bear for Molly, too...""**** me...."

[Tactical Bear 3]

if i had to handicap oddscrazy/guilt: 49.5%no previous big rig exposure: 43.4%smelly schwing schwong: 7.1%

You work with numbers and shit, so I'm not trying to disrespect you or anything, but you're no actuary, so I think I'm going to adjust these numbers a little. Speaking of which, we should get Actuary in here for this, since he would probably be of use. Also, CoranMoran could probably be helpful, too. Maybe David Nicoson? I dunno, he's married to Nikki, so that would be a whole new bag of hell. Crazy/Guilt: 71%Big Rig: 3%Smelly Penis: 8%Other: 18%

If shes reluctant to perform the duty now, forget about it down the road for sure....I got one to completion last weekend, but only because I successfully got her back on the ground after two go-arounds in icing conditions and near zero visibility at a strange airportAfterwards, I got a pat on the ass and a command "Dont wake me up when you come back from the casino drunk"So all I can tell you is to save her life once in a while, or get really lucky in wind shear....

I am having trouble explaining why, but this is probably one of my favorite things. Ever.

Wang's girlfriend's name is MAGgie. Too subtle?

Actually, yes. So here's the deal. I called her, and tried to engage her in rational and calm conversation on the subject, but I was really uncomfortable, and she even more so. She eventually just clammed up and kept repeating, "We are NOT talking about this." Finally, after some haranguing, she said she would tell me anything I wanted to know if I did the following:Write and submit to her 500 words on how I feel about the state of our relationship within 1 hour. I asked her what the fuck the deal with that was, but all she would tell me is that one of the biggest reasons she's attracted to me is the way I write. I'm not sure what deity's wife I fucked in a former life, but if He would let me off the hook that'd be nice.

[DinkDonk 1]

God, I'm glad we got off the topic of wet dreams in the beds of girls. I thought for sure you guys were going to ruin my nearly complete story. WangBear's smelly dick saves the day!On another note, Wang, I almost assuredly share your distinction of biggest disappointment in our respective high school graduating classes. It's really kind of ridiculous that it's seen this way, but the mere fact that I'm 2 and a half years out of school and have yet to complete a semester of college makes me an utter failure in the eyes of my former teachers. They simply don't see poker as a viable profession; and the fact that I probably made more money than any single one of them in this past year has no effect on that notion.For the record, this is more of a bitterness post than a brag post. It's just that I come from a podunk hick town where one is considered wealthy if they drive a Chevy Monte Carlo made after the year 2003.

[IQCrash 1]

Finally, after some haranguing, she said she would tell me anything I wanted to know if I did the following:Write and submit to her 500 words on how I feel about the state of our relationship within 1 hour. I asked her what the fuck the deal with that was, but all she would tell me is that one of the biggest reasons she's attracted to me is the way I write. I'm not sure what deity's wife I fucked in a former life, but if He would let me off the hook that'd be nice.

Would it be terribly rude of me to say that I want to punch this girl in the mouth right now?

[LadyGrey 6]

Actually, yes. So here's the deal. I called her, and tried to engage her in rational and calm conversation on the subject, but I was really uncomfortable, and she even more so. She eventually just clammed up and kept repeating, "We are NOT talking about this." Finally, after some haranguing, she said she would tell me anything I wanted to know if I did the following:Write and submit to her 500 words on how I feel about the state of our relationship within 1 hour. I asked her what the fuck the deal with that was, but all she would tell me is that one of the biggest reasons she's attracted to me is the way I write. I'm not sure what deity's wife I fucked in a former life, but if He would let me off the hook that'd be nice.

Originall I typed it sMAGma, but I felt that put too little emphasis on the smegma aspect. Then I considered writing an explanation after but feared it would ruin the joke. Then I realised I didn't care enough to make a decision, so I left it as it was.She sounds so high maintenance based on this. Clearly she is fishing for compliments with this letter thing. She says she wants to know about the state of the relationship, but what she means is "tell me what I want to hear" i.e. things are going great, whenever we are seeing each other I feel excited all day and when I hear your voice it always makes me smile, etc junkjunkjunk

[speedz99 145]

So here's the deal. I called her, and tried to engage her in rational and calm conversation on the subject/

The subject of her possibly lying about you having a big dick? I find it hard to believe she clammed up.

Write and submit to her 500 words on how I feel about the state of our relationship within 1 hour. I asked her what the fuck the deal with that was, but all she would tell me is that one of the biggest reasons she's attracted to me is the way I write. I'm not sure what deity's wife I fucked in a former life, but if He would let me off the hook that'd be nice.

Just when I think TB's life can't get any stranger...

[speedz99 145]

Would it be terribly rude of me to say that I want to punch this girl in the mouth right now?

She sounds so high maintenance based on this. Clearly she is fishing for compliments with this letter thing. She says she wants to know about the state of the relationship, but what she means is "tell me what I want to hear" i.e. things are going great, whenever we are seeing each other I feel excited all day and when I hear your voice it always makes me smile, etc junkjunkjunk

You guys are missing the likelihood that she's just fucking with him, which is terribly funny.

[Tactical Bear 3]

God, I'm glad we got off the topic of wet dreams in the beds of girls. I thought for sure you guys were going to ruin my nearly complete story. WangBear's smelly dick saves the day!On another note, Wang, I almost assuredly share your distinction of biggest disappointment in our respective high school graduating classes. It's really kind of ridiculous that it's seen this way, but the mere fact that I'm 2 and a half years out of school and have yet to complete a semester of college makes me an utter failure in the eyes of my former teachers. They simply don't see poker as a viable profession; and the fact that I probably made more money than any single one of them in this past year has no effect on that notion.For the record, this is more of a bitterness post than a brag post. It's just that I come from a podunk hick town where one is considered wealthy if they drive a Chevy Monte Carlo made after the year 2003.

The difference between us is that, basically, I actually am a gigantic, washed up, burned out piece of shit. The gap between what I SHOULD be doing and what I AM doing, given a reasonable set of assumptions based on age-average intelligence, work ethic and luck, is vast.

Would it be terribly rude of me to say that I want to punch this girl in the mouth right now?

Nah. I really like her though. She's awesome. She's giving me a hard time about this, which, you know, she has the right to do. She's making me do something ridiculous to get what I want. It's soooo fucking retarded, but I kind of like the fact that she's unwilling to just do what I tell her to do because I tell her to do it. I'm kicking some ideas around, and have tentatively begun writing a parable (allegory? extended metaphor? epic poem?) about a fish and a salamander. It's going to be the worst thing ever, but it should suffice.

[IQCrash 1]

You guys are missing the likelihood that she's just fucking with him, which is terribly funny.

If it was the essay request on its own, sure, perhaps - but after she abandoned the man's cock mid-slurp? Doubtful, sir. Doubtful.

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

You guys are missing the likelihood that she's just fucking with him, which is terribly funny.Women aren't funny. This would have to be in the .001% exception.

[DinkDonk 1]

The difference between us is that, basically, I actually am a gigantic, washed up, burned out piece of shit. The gap between what I SHOULD be doing and what I AM doing, given a reasonable set of assumptions based on age-average intelligence, work ethic and luck, is vast.

Don't get me wrong, I am as well. I just found a job that will pay me well to stay lazy and unambitious. BTW I realllllly hope she's just fucking with you on the essay thing. In all seriousness, it would say great things about the future of your relationship. Plus she'd be way more popular amongst sickies and that's a goal of hers, I'm sure.

[Tactical Bear 3]

She sounds so high maintenance based on this. Clearly she is fishing for compliments with this letter thing. She says she wants to know about the state of the relationship, but what she means is "tell me what I want to hear" i.e. things are going great, whenever we are seeing each other I feel excited all day and when I hear your voice it always makes me smile, etc junkjunkjunk

Yeah, she totally knows that's not happening. She didn't want me to write about HER. She wanted me to write about, I dunno, the fact that my situation with her is frustrating me to no end.

Just when I think TB's life can't get any stranger...

I know. I mean, for the love of... Yeah, I know.

You guys are missing the likelihood that she's just fucking with him, which is terribly funny.

Exactly. I don't know exactly where this request is going, but I'm going to follow the thread to the end.

If it was the essay request on its own, sure, perhaps - but after she abandoned the man's cock mid-slurp? Doubtful, sir. Doubtful.

Man, there's a really, really good chance she's just totally ****ing with me. Erik and Inky is now the story's official title, and it's 450 words, give or take. I'm going to clean it up and submit it to her in a few minutes.

[LadyGrey 6]

Erik and Inky

suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper faggoted

[GetSprung 0]

Erik and Inky is now the story's official title, and it's 450 words, give or take. I'm going to clean it up and submit it to her in a few minutes.

Before or after you post it here for proofreading?

[El Guapo 8]

Erik and Inky is now the story's official title, and it's 450 words, give or take. I'm going to clean it up and submit it to her in a few minutes.

Don't you want some feedback/constructive criticism first?

[Tactical Bear 3]

suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper faggoted

This thing is, without a doubt, the most faggy thing I have ever done. I say that from time to time without REALLY believing it, but I really can't think of anything gayer. The first line is: [deleted because just looking at it makes me sick to my stomach]LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. The answer better not be: "Your penis simply smelled too awful."

[IQCrash 1]

I'm going to clean it up and submit it to her in a few minutes.

So many directions to go with this one, I can't pick.

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

oh man, some good stuff here yesterday and today. Well done by Beansey, Shake, Mk, LG, IQ and Co and of course, the butt of the jokes de jour, TacticalWangand this girl seems like hugetime trouble. Wang, take the crazy baby daddy to lunch, I bet he's normal, except the religion and republican things, and he's just running like hell from this attention whore prick tease.Also, if it's not too much trouble, could you PM a copy of your letter to TommyGavin81? He digs letters.

[brvheart 1,752]

I'm always super busy when the good stuff happens... WONDERFUL!