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I Called In Sick Today

turd ferguson

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El Guapo

El Guapo 8

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I had a very interesting night last night. Unfortunately this probably will not translate well as it is probably a "you had to be there scenario" but I think it is amusing enough to share regardless.At one of our local nicer restaurants we hosted a dinner/seminar for retirees. Everything went off well, most of the attendees booked appointments (actually 22/24 there made appointments which is pretty amazing). But it is a long night and we don't get to eat during it and we just have to watch all of the attendees eat their steak and chicken while we get hungrier and hungrier. So afterwards we usually get some dinner and have a few drinks to blow off some steam.It is after 9 so the main dining area is closing so we sit in the bar. Now I am pretty new to this firm, and there are only 4 of us in the office, so they are telling inside jokes and explaining them to me and all that crap. We are having a pretty good time. One of the girls in the office has a garbage mouth and you get her away from clients and every other word is fuck. The other one is sweet and wholesome and never swears or drinks, so totally opposite. Apparently there was a joke made about a massage parlor and happy endings that the dirty one didn't get and the innocent one did, so at this point they are laughing hysterically about it and being pretty loud. It is moderately funny, but not as funny as they think it is.During this time about 6 people came to the bar. A husband and wife, 3 dudes who were obviously gay and an old lady. They were all together and being pretty loud and obnoxious. The old lady is getting ripped and starts snort laughing, so my associate starts mimicking her, and not being subtle at all. She comes over and is hammered and says something to the affect of "I'm sorry are we bothering you? I'm old I like to have fun", and starts wooooing really loud. So my associate (J from here on out) starts snort laughing to her face, making fun. We find out the others are her kids and significant others, and some are from Germany, so they are Euro Gays, which makes them super gay. The conversation starts degrading from there into all kinds of sexual innuendos with this old lady. She then asks us who's with who, assuming we are couples, J says that he and I are, and that the girls are. Well that is when we get the gay confirmation about her sons, and makes motions that we could hook up with them. Then she takes off to use the restroom, and I go about 30 seconds after her. When I get back she is back and everyone ask where we went. Joking around, I kind of look around semi embarrassed and do the fake zip up your pants thing, well they were actually only zipped up half way, so I got the sound affect and everything, and her kids almost fell off there bar stools they were laughing so hard. So they are ripping on their mom more and more as she gets drunker, then she starts saying that she is going to cut them out of the will. Blah Blah Blah, well then she asks us what we do for a living, and I chime in that we have a massage parlor which makes my whole table lose it.The mom is now sitting at our table and groping J, who is just relentlessly making fun of her, and her kids love it. It was the most inappropriate thing I have ever seen. She starts talking about how all the old guys in the retirement community want to hump her, but she won't change their diapers. After about an hour of this back and forth banter, she finally says that she wants to fuck J. I lost it at that point. She starts groping him more and he is just cringing trying to get away, but it is so funny he almost doesn't want to stop what is going on. Then her daughter in law comes over and talks to me while I am sitting and is sticking her tits in my face (literally 6 inches from my face, and I am trying to look up at her but all I get is a face full of tit). Before I know it, it is almost 11 and I have to get going. I have left so much out, but literally this did not stop for 90 minutes, and apparently kept going after I left. Needless to say I had weird old lady sex dreams last night, so I got that going for me. RIGHT SAL?

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Painter567

Painter567 0

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I had a very interesting night last night. Unfortunately this probably will not translate well as it is probably a "you had to be there scenario" but I think it is amusing enough to share regardless.At one of our local nicer restaurants we hosted a dinner/seminar for retirees. Everything went off well, most of the attendees booked appointments (actually 22/24 there made appointments which is pretty amazing). But it is a long night and we don't get to eat during it and we just have to watch all of the attendees eat their steak and chicken while we get hungrier and hungrier. So afterwards we usually get some dinner and have a few drinks to blow off some steam.It is after 9 so the main dining area is closing so we sit in the bar. Now I am pretty new to this firm, and there are only 4 of us in the office, so they are telling inside jokes and explaining them to me and all that crap. We are having a pretty good time. One of the girls in the office has a garbage mouth and you get her away from clients and every other word is fuck. The other one is sweet and wholesome and never swears or drinks, so totally opposite. Apparently there was a joke made about a massage parlor and happy endings that the dirty one didn't get and the innocent one did, so at this point they are laughing hysterically about it and being pretty loud. It is moderately funny, but not as funny as they think it is.During this time about 6 people came to the bar. A husband and wife, 3 dudes who were obviously gay and an old lady. They were all together and being pretty loud and obnoxious. The old lady is getting ripped and starts snort laughing, so my associate starts mimicking her, and not being subtle at all. She comes over and is hammered and says something to the affect of "I'm sorry are we bothering you? I'm old I like to have fun", and starts wooooing really loud. So my associate (J from here on out) starts snort laughing to her face, making fun. We find out the others are her kids and significant others, and some are from Germany, so they are Euro Gays, which makes them super gay. The conversation starts degrading from there into all kinds of sexual innuendos with this old lady. She then asks us who's with who, assuming we are couples, J says that he and I are, and that the girls are. Well that is when we get the gay confirmation about her sons, and makes motions that we could hook up with them. Then she takes off to use the restroom, and I go about 30 seconds after her. When I get back she is back and everyone ask where we went. Joking around, I kind of look around semi embarrassed and do the fake zip up your pants thing, well they were actually only zipped up half way, so I got the sound affect and everything, and her kids almost fell off there bar stools they were laughing so hard. So they are ripping on their mom more and more as she gets drunker, then she starts saying that she is going to cut them out of the will. Blah Blah Blah, well then she asks us what we do for a living, and I chime in that we have a massage parlor which makes my whole table lose it.The mom is now sitting at our table and groping J, who is just relentlessly making fun of her, and her kids love it. It was the most inappropriate thing I have ever seen. She starts talking about how all the old guys in the retirement community want to hump her, but she won't change their diapers. After about an hour of this back and forth banter, she finally says that she wants to fuck J. I lost it at that point. She starts groping him more and he is just cringing trying to get away, but it is so funny he almost doesn't want to stop what is going on. Then her daughter in law comes over and talks to me while I am sitting and is sticking her tits in my face (literally 6 inches from my face, and I am trying to look up at her but all I get is a face full of tit). Before I know it, it is almost 11 and I have to get going. I have left so much out, but literally this did not stop for 90 minutes, and apparently kept going after I left. Needless to say I had weird old lady sex dreams last night, so I got that going for me. RIGHT SAL?
NO NO EG......This is funny shit w/o being there......sounds like a blast.
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Sal Paradise

Sal Paradise 57

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Needless to say I had weird old lady sex dreams last night, so I got that going for me. RIGHT SAL?
you got that right el guapo!
I'd stuff
and that totally reminds me of one time recently (don't know if I mentioned it here or not) at the local moose lodge where I was drinking one night and when I went to get a beer, this older lady said "hey come sit with me, my niece, and grandniece." I checked out the grand niece and she was hot, so of course I sat (found out later she was only 17, but WHAT DO I CARE HUH?). either way, we go on and on, I think I told them I was a doctor at one point, and before long the old lady starts in with the "oh boy back in my day I would have rocked your world" and the what not, all eventually boiling down to her basically saying she wanted to bang me that night. wonderfully uncomfortable.luckily the niece and grandniece decided she needed to go home, so I went outside with the grandniece so she could bring the car around and TOTALLY HIT ON HER.
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El Guapo

El Guapo 8

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My favorite part of the evening, that went mostly unnoticed was when the lady kept telling her son that he would be cut out of the will. He kept rifling back that the only thing in the will were various Disney Characters and that he didn't want to be in it anyway (She was wearing a huge gold Disney Watch). Then as per the evening, degraded from there. She talked about "stuffed" animals, someone commented on that, then the son said something about setting them up in various 69 positions blowing each other, everyone was really loud at this point and what I said pretty much went unheard, except by the son; "Gives a whole new meaning to riding the Disney Train" At least I got him to spit out his cocktail on that one.I TOTALLY COULD HAVE BANGED THE MILF! I think Sal just put No Cal on his list of places he may move.

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loogie

loogie 115

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I just made my first ebay purchase. For my next trick, I'm thinking about figuring out how to use one of them new-fangled micro-waves.I tried to hook up my camcorder to my laptop but quickly realized that the needed DV cable did not come with the camera. I checked out the usual online price sites and found the cheapest one to be around $25. Then I went on ebay and found one for $1 + $6 shipping. Then I went on my PayPal account which I haven't opened in 5 years and found $9 in it! What a day!I restrung my guitar yesterday with some beautiful Elixir strings for which I made a special trip to Guitar Center. I was almost done stringing them when I broke the head off of one of my guitar pins while pulling it out. Then I got to make an even more special trip to Guitar Center for new pins!It's been a special week for me.I think I'll go make like a hippie now and take my guitar to the park next door and see if I can salvage my career amongst the crab grass. My roommate likes to sleep until 1:30, and I need to jam.Anybody want to see a picture of me playing Event 2 at the WSOP? I thought so.WSOP200801.jpgIPod? Check. Faux hawk? Check. Track Jacket? Check. Chip shuffling? Check. Knowing stare down? Check. Out before money? Check.

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JubilantLankyLad

JubilantLankyLad 1,957

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My favorite part of the evening, that went mostly unnoticed was when the lady kept telling her son that he would be cut out of the will. He kept rifling back that the only thing in the will were various Disney Characters and that he didn't want to be in it anyway (She was wearing a huge gold Disney Watch). Then as per the evening, degraded from there. She talked about "stuffed" animals, someone commented on that, then the son said something about setting them up in various 69 positions blowing each other, everyone was really loud at this point and what I said pretty much went unheard, except by the son; "Gives a whole new meaning to riding the Disney Train" At least I got him to spit out his cocktail on that one.I TOTALLY COULD HAVE BANGED THE MILF! I think Sal just put No Cal on his list of places he may move.
yeah, no kidding. so far he's been limiting himself to MNOWTF
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jeff_536

jeff_536 3

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you got that right el guapo!and that totally reminds me of one time recently (don't know if I mentioned it here or not) at the local moose lodge where I was drinking one night and when I went to get a beer, this older lady said "hey come sit with me, my niece, and grandniece." I checked out the grand niece and she was hot, so of course I sat (found out later she was only 17, but WHAT DO I CARE HUH?). either way, we go on and on, I think I told them I was a doctor at one point, and before long the old lady starts in with the "oh boy back in my day I would have rocked your world" and the what not, all eventually boiling down to her basically saying she wanted to bang me that night. wonderfully uncomfortable.luckily the niece and grandniece decided she needed to go home, so I went outside with the grandniece so she could bring the car around and TOTALLY UNSUCCESSFULLY HIT ON HER.
FYP
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leftygolfer

leftygolfer 7

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WSOP200801.jpgIPod? Check. Faux hawk? Check. Track Jacket? Check. Chip shuffling? Check. Knowing stare down? Check. Out before money? Check.
I'd stuff
yeah, no kidding. so far he's been limiting himself to MNOWTF
Midwest Negroes On Wednesday's, Thursday's and Friday's?
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