I Called In Sick Today

[frautotenkinder 1,025]

9. iphonenkinder (+1) - Saw a midget; went to an awkward party

I should expand on the midget theme.

 

I see a midget most days. I've had midget co-workers at my last two jobs. Once you start to look for them, midgets are pretty easy to find. It's anyone who's shorter than 4'10". The midget I mentioned was an unexpected midget, a bonus halfling.

I feel Frau is a tough matchup. If she dedicated a solid week of posting ablut parties and lesbos, she's knock me right out of the tourney

 

Challenge accepted!! I'm going out on Saturday night, and will be with the ladies who like ladies.

 

I did get an invite to that wedding. And a "plus one". I've literally met this kid only a handful of times. One of them being at our mutual friends wedding where we were both groomsmen. He's in my phone as "mike-Dave's friend". It's end of September. Do I ask bartender chick?

 

Yes. No more thought or teetertottering or feelings. Feelings are for ugly people. Ask her.

 

Here's how I script it: It's early in the evening, you are not in a crowd of friends and hangers on, but maybe other people will show up and join you. You have had one beer. You look her in the eye, smile and say, "I've been invited to wedding. Would you like to come?"

 

Things to avoid: apologizing for not knowing the happy couple. Feelings.

Things to embrace: a straightforward invitation

[Napa Lite 3,278]

Howd you know i needed cheering up?

 

 

Haha, just kidding. I'm always sad.

 

 

Can't wait to listen to it when I get back to the hotel.

[InternetExplorer 2,609]

Howd you know i needed cheering up?

 

 

Haha, just kidding. I'm always sad.

 

 

Can't wait to listen to it when I get back to the hotel.

napa:

 

You came down to this place

To fill out the dark corners

With your everlasting light

And that's why... I love you

[InternetExplorer 2,609]

fraut, what's your theoretical minimum dating age?

 

please note, I am fully aware that it is spelt 'fraught'

[hank213 1,823]

Yeah, if she was that church, it would provide more answers than questions, for me

 

When people tell me about church and god, I no longer beat around the bush. If they are so happy and proud to be all christy, why cant I be just as ok with being atheist? So I just plainly say, Oh, I'm an atheist.

Thank you Ricky Gervais

 

I kept my membership card from flirtation with the C.o.S. for just this reason. The day somebody invites me to their church will be hi-lar-i-ous! Seems weird that in about 15 years I've never once been invited to church....

 

Anyone have a fleshlight? I'm seriously considering it.

 

the now ex fb bought me one...they're pretty awesome. use promo code Rogan if it still works.

 

 

had a whole bunch of other stuff quoted but went to drop a deuce and forgot what i wanted to say. yes, apparently i have shit for brains.

 

 

the potential promo at work is looking more and more likely. they seriously overhired/paid on the 2 guys currently doing the job. they can give me a 20% raise and still pay me less than either of them by like 25k. one of them has turned in his notice, the other is applying for another position internally, and my manager(s) are now freaking out because there won't be anyone to service this disastrous product. thinking i might hold out for a 25-30% raise, this seems like a "seize the moment" kind of...moment.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

That's beautiful.

 

 

Boss keeps drinking his beer fast and then looking at me and I have to pound mine. I made the mistake of letting him know I can down an entire beer in like 4 seconds last night and he keeps making me do it.

 

Edit: that was for Strat, but works for Hank, too, gl buddy.

[hank213 1,823]

That's beautiful.

 

 

Boss keeps drinking his beer fast and then looking at me and I have to pound mine. I made the mistake of letting him know I can down an entire beer in like 4 seconds last night and he keeps making me do it.

 

power drinking with the boss. excellent way to build job security.

 

but remember this:

 

nothing bonds a manager and employee together more closely than the truth about the dead hooker in the bathroom.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

Yeah, and his dad started the firm so he's got extra say in stuff. He's been telling me to get a hooker off of backpage.

[Napa Lite 3,278]

That's also beautiful, Frau. Thanks for giving me some credit that I was capable of pulling that off. I don't see it going down like that. If it all. She'll probably tire of me in the next week as I fear she already is.

[The Ocho 970]

Is your boss one of those old 32 year olds?

[Napa Lite 3,278]

He's 52 or 53. He's letting us call it an early night. Which is nice. I'm pretty tired.

[brvheart 1,752]

Lunch was awesome. She mentioned her church like 50 times and told me I should go there. I deftly maneuvered around that by telling her I haven't been to church in years and have no plans to go back.

 

She sounds wonderful.

 

When people tell me about church and god, I no longer beat around the bush. If they are so happy and proud to be all christy, why cant I be just as ok with being atheist? So I just plainly say, Oh, I'm an atheist.

Thank you Ricky Gervais

 

Man, we would have fun conversations. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

 

Any teething tips? That seems to have started this weekend.

 

http://www.incredibleinfant.com/teething-baby/baby-teething-pain/

[The Ocho 970]

My son read me some Calvin and Hobbes tonight which is awesome, but cartoons just don't translate we'll when read out loud.

[InternetExplorer 2,609]

also, your son probably has terrible delivery

[InternetExplorer 2,609]

I'm really mean when I drink. I'm sorry. I love all of you. especially Napa, who was sent down to this place, like a monkey. ah-ah-ooh-hoo.

[Dawson Leery 12]

Napa - how are you not on Tinder? Come on man that's a no-brainer.

 

if I had to make a list of what topics I'd spend time on, given that there is a finite amount of time to make an impression on a kid, I would not ever in a million years pick the cotton gin. teach kids more about greek or roman history or something. the cotton gin says nothing about human nature and imparts no knowledge on the learner that can be applied to anything they are going to encounter in the real world. if you wanna talk about innovation, expand the sections on franklin or edison or whatever. there is literally no reason that most of the US population should be able to produce the name eli whitney or explain what the cotton gin is. it's ****ing stupid.

 

Invention of the cotton gin led to a huge increase in slavery (cotton was now much more profitable), which was one of the factors that led to the Civil War. Knowing Eli Whitney invented it isn't important, but It's part of the bigger picture.

 

Will catch up more tomorrow morning.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

[/size]

I should expand on the midget theme.

 

I see a midget most days. I've had midget co-workers at my last two jobs. Once you start to look for them, midgets are pretty easy to find. It's anyone who's shorter than 4'10". The midget I mentioned was an unexpected midget, a bonus halfling.

[/size]

 

Challenge accepted!! I'm going out on Saturday night, and will be with the ladies who like ladies.

 

 

 

Yes. No more thought or teetertottering or feelings. Feelings are for ugly people. Ask her.

 

Here's how I script it: It's early in the evening, you are not in a crowd of friends and hangers on, but maybe other people will show up and join you. You have had one beer. You look her in the eye, smile and say, "I've been invited to wedding. Would you like to come?"

 

Things to avoid: apologizing for not knowing the happy couple. Feelings.

Things to embrace: a straightforward invitation

endless awesomeness

[iClint 61]

Ha, bosses (not this one, the other one)daughter told me to get on tinder. My answer is because I'm fat and ugly and look 12. Although, I have been styling my hair different lately and I think it's an improvement.

 

Boss only made us have five beers tonight. Still got a little buzzed. He's a champ.

 

Edit: I love Strat too. Even though I assume he's being sarcastic. Don't care.

[frautotenkinder 1,025]

fraut, what's your theoretical minimum dating age?

 

please note, I am fully aware that it is spelt 'fraught'

 

Late 20s, and that's an outlier. I'm not looking to have kids, and I don't necessarily want to get married again.

 

(If this question was posed for a midget, please understand there is a different answer.)

 

I kept my membership card from flirtation with the C.o.S. for just this reason. The day somebody invites me to their church will be hi-lar-i-ous! Seems weird that in about 15 years I've never once been invited to church....

 

The last couple of people who lived in my current apartment have made poor choices, and not filled out the USPS forwarding. I get IRS liens, credit card settlements, and once a letter from the Church of Scientology. Bills are boring, I opened up the letter, though. It was a poorly written, "Hi Brother, I saw you across room. Why you no acknowledge me?"

 

LA--I know midgets, do not know any Scientologists. It's paradise!

[brvheart 1,752]

(If this question was posed for a midget, please understand there is a different answer.)

 

I just want to put this out there for next week's rankings JJJ. I am claiming full credit for bringing Frau into this thread. I mean, 100%. That's got to bump me up to at least #15.

[Theraflu 1,035]

 

http://www.incredibl...-teething-pain/

 

I mean, thanks, but I can google things too. I was looking for someone with actual experience spending time with the kids.

[brvheart 1,752]

I don't have any kids. Sorry.

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

I don't have any kids. Sorry.

 

its safe

 

 

 

 

 

[brvheart 1,752]

 

 

 

[hank213 1,823]

Late 20s, and that's an outlier. I'm not looking to have kids, and I don't necessarily want to get married again.

 

(If this question was posed for a midget, please understand there is a different answer.)

 

 

 

The last couple of people who lived in my current apartment have made poor choices, and not filled out the USPS forwarding. I get IRS liens, credit card settlements, and once a letter from the Church of Scientology. Bills are boring, I opened up the letter, though. It was a poorly written, "Hi Brother, I saw you across room. Why you no acknowledge me?"

 

LA--I know midgets, do not know any Scientologists. It's paradise!

 

scientology? that's just silly. the "s" stands for (close your eyes brv) satan.