I Called In Sick Today

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

1. Kayla2. Kissyface3. Dad4. Maggie5. Kayla6. Jenny

1) Kayla. (This one would have been a gimme if you knew her)2) Jenny. (A guy she knows wanted to make a bet, and she mentioned that her boyfriend is a bookie. I think she's kind of proud.)3) Dad. (Yes. It was me who lost a week's salary betting on the grandfather from Problem Child. I was just so sure)4) Maggie. (She and Boom Herron are apparently dealing with the distance this way.)5) Kissy Face. (I get one of these a day.)6) Jenny. (She loves me.)

I guess brv wins.

[CaneBrain 95]

I guess brv wins.

His slightly odd obsession with Wang and Maggie finally paid off.

[MisterB 2]

His slightly odd obsession with Wang and Maggie finally paid off.

It's a tie with MDG. You know he had it figured out inside of 30 seconds. Then he put on lipstick and crossed Brv's name off his "list"

[Ron_Mexico 4,219]

Very awesome.

I think he was going to be on LeBatard's show. I gotta download it

I am her best friend, but she's not mine. My best friend is KissyFace, with whom I've shared a house/apartment and shiiiitty life since we were 22. And Hank Mardukas.

Liked the Mardukas joke

Holy hell...Mr. Sparco actually won a WSOP bracelet? I feel in some way due something like being able to rub it against my liberally mayonnaised body.

twas an interesting turn of eventsand yes, I do enjoy a Beansian story from time to time

[ShakeZuma 585]

I will never complain about having a bad week again in my life.

yeah, it can be pretty much guaranteed that if I were this chick's husband, I would track this guy down before the cops got to him, take him to some place secluded, and do a full out dexter on him. fingernails, torches, the works.

[speedz99 145]

The formal mustache: always a hit with friends, but possibly an obstacle with the ladies.I think this is the first time that, when presented with this difficult decision, I'm going with the full shave. It's like I can feel myself getting less cool as I type this.

[runthemover 39]

The formal mustache: always a hit with friends, but possibly an obstacle with the ladies.I think this is the first time that, when presented with this difficult decision, I'm going with the full shave. It's like I can feel myself getting less cool as I type this.

pretty sure you should shave your CHEST into the shape of a mustache

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

have you ever been lying in bed, trying to sleep and your mind is racing so you can't sleep and then your thoughts turn to how your body knows to keep breathing when you're asleep and then you become fully conscious of every breath you take and it gets to a point where you feel like if you don't purposefully breathe you won't ever breathe again and then you start to worry that this might happen when your asleep and you start to breathe harder, and faster, and you start to panic and suddenly you're in a full blown anxiety attack and you're grasping for breathe and the room starts to spin and you pass out? and then when you wake up you laugh becuase clearly your body knew to breathe while you were out and there was nothing to worry about.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Wang: "Oh, I know exactly why you come up here and hang out in the bar when I work."Jenny: "And why's that, mister."Wang: "Please... don't call me that. And the reason is: you're worried, left to my own devices, I'll have all sorts of hot bitches all over me."Jenny: (laughter)So, in response to a challenge eventually levied by Jenny, we're going out tomorrow night so I can pick up random chicks at a bar. She thinks I have zero game -- "you're only dating me because I made it pretty clear I was a sure thing" -- when I believe it is quite clear that I have at least a tiny bit of game. Whatever no matter what this will not end well.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

maybe you should see if you can get maggie to be there. then you can pick her up in front of jenny and really show her how much game you've got.

[ShakeZuma 585]

have you ever been lying in bed, trying to sleep and your mind is racing so you can't sleep and then your thoughts turn to how your body knows to keep breathing when you're asleep and then you become fully conscious of every breath you take and it gets to a point where you feel like if you don't purposefully breathe you won't ever breathe again and then you start to worry that this might happen when your asleep and you start to breathe harder, and faster, and you start to panic and suddenly you're in a full blown anxiety attack and you're grasping for breathe and the room starts to spin and you pass out? and then when you wake up you laugh becuase clearly your body knew to breathe while you were out and there was nothing to worry about.

nearly every night. well, not to the panic attack level, but to the "thinking about breathing to the point that I have to keep thinking about it to keep breathing and no matter how heavy I breath it doesn't feel like I'm getting enough oxygen" level.

maybe you should see if you can get maggie to be there. then you can pick her up in front of jenny and really show her how much game you've got.

haha

[LadyGrey 6]

So, in response to a challenge eventually levied by Jenny, we're going out tomorrow night so I can pick up random chicks at a bar. She thinks I have zero game -- "you're only dating me because I made it pretty clear I was a sure thing" -- when I believe it is quite clear that I have at least a tiny bit of game. Whatever no matter what this will not end well.

Don't do this.

[Quacktastic 106]

Wang: "Oh, I know exactly why you come up here and hang out in the bar when I work."Jenny: "And why's that, mister."Wang: "Please... don't call me that. And the reason is: you're worried, left to my own devices, I'll have all sorts of hot bitches all over me."Jenny: (laughter)So, in response to a challenge eventually levied by Jenny, we're going out tomorrow night so I can pick up random chicks at a bar. She thinks I have zero game -- "you're only dating me because I made it pretty clear I was a sure thing" -- when I believe it is quite clear that I have at least a tiny bit of game. Whatever no matter what this will not end well.

Don't do this.

[mk 11]

Don't do this.

[brvheart 1,752]

have you ever been lying in bed, trying to sleep and your mind is racing so you can't sleep and then your thoughts turn to how your body knows to keep breathing when you're asleep and then you become fully conscious of every breath you take and it gets to a point where you feel like if you don't purposefully breathe you won't ever breathe again and then you start to worry that this might happen when your asleep and you start to breathe harder, and faster, and you start to panic and suddenly you're in a full blown anxiety attack and you're grasping for breathe and the room starts to spin and you pass out? and then when you wake up you laugh becuase clearly your body knew to breathe while you were out and there was nothing to worry about.

When do you graduate? I really need a good lawyer.

[Tactical Bear 3]

God this is just the worst. Believe it or not, I like staying at Jenny's place. I've got my own little drawer with clean clothes and towels, a dop kit with razors and a tooth brush, etc. And unlike most girls, Jenny and I enjoy stuff at the same temperature. I even sleep reasonably well, there. When Jenny stays here, I also sleep well. She doesn't require 30 minutes of nonsense before we go to sleep, and doesn't mind that I just scrunch myself into the corner. Anyway, the quality of sleep is great. But the quantity is low as fuuuuuuck. Jenny is some kind of freak, a tremendous machine that requires but 4 hours of rest a night. Last night:225- Done with work245- Leave work after having a shift drink with Jenny and the girls305- Arrive home345- Out of the shower, into bed415-430- Fall asleep830- UP AND AT 'EM. Time to drive Jenny home so she can get to work and shiiiiit.One of these days, I'm just going to be tired and off my game and accidentally call her a **** or something when she makes me up.

Don't do this.

The last month or so, I've just been on fire. Without doing or saying anything, I'm getting the "I am a dirty little slut" vibe from like 4 women every weekend. Until this hot wave, I've probably gotten that vibe a total of 5 times in my entire life. There's really nobody I'd rather be with than Jenn, but no way I'm going to let her throw the gauntlet like that without responding. I'll prove to her that I'm smoother than she thinks, then say or do something sweet and hope she rewards me with: the fully-illuminated boink

I've been able to wriggle out of every trap so far. I'm unworried.

Random Girl: "PC bone lever? What the fruck does that mean?"

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

have you ever been lying in bed, trying to sleep and your mind is racing so you can't sleep and then your thoughts turn to how your body knows to keep breathing when you're asleep and then you become fully conscious of every breath you take and it gets to a point where you feel like if you don't purposefully breathe you won't ever breathe again and then you start to worry that this might happen when your asleep and you start to breathe harder, and faster, and you start to panic and suddenly you're in a full blown anxiety attack and you're grasping for breathe and the room starts to spin and you pass out? and then when you wake up you laugh becuase clearly your body knew to breathe while you were out and there was nothing to worry about.

No, but sometimes I become aware of my tongue and then what am I supposed to do with it?

Jenny: "And why's that, mister."Wang: "Please... don't call me that.

Ha

maybe you should see if you can get maggie to be there. then you can pick her up in front of jenny and really show her how much game you've got.

Oh yeah, this is good.

[mk 11]

Random Girl: "PC bone lever? What the fruck does that mean?"

The horror...oh dear god the hor ror

[El Guapo 8]

Man, yesterday was interesting.I got up really early to get to a presentation in the bay area. I got there a little late because my directions were wrong, i met my boss/partner there and we were going to leave at 2:00 to go to the Giants game. We got a lot of good info early on, so we left around 12:30. We get into SF (he was staying there, I had to come back) and drop stuff off at his hotel then start walking to the ball park to meet up with the guy who was taking us to the game. Since we were early we stopped at a bar to have some beers, this was around 2:00 and I did not stop drinking until midnight.The game was fun, but it rained on and off and we missed a lot of it due to bathroom breaks because the lines were horrible.After the game we headed into the Public House, which is a giant brewery/bar attached to the stadium (we were in there before the game too). We got a couple beers and headed outside on the patio where Kiper/Krukow/Bip roberts were doing there post game stuff. They were just on the other side of a glass partition. There was a group of Indian/punjab's next to us being pretty rowdy. We were all going back and forth making fun of the people who were presenting and talking about all the girls who were surrounding the ex-players (who were their wives/girlfriends and much younger than all of them). One was sorta cute mid 30's blonde, she got most of the attention.So these punjabs were getting louder and louder and then they called someone a Cracker, so I piped up and made a huge ordeal about it, they were taken aback for a second but quickly realized I was joking and then it was all laughs from there...until I said (standing in the middle of about 15 of them (I am pretty drunk at this time))" Well I am here in the middle of a bunch of fucking terrorists..."You could here a pin drop.The two people I was with walked away and left me just hanging. After a sceond they all start saying "we're not terrorists, we are ****ing punjabs, which I knew because they kept yelling it out at the players. At this point I said to them, "I hope you guys realize they have no idea what a punjab is and why you keep yelling it out" which some reason they all thought was hilarious and kept yelling it. So as they are getting drunker and messing with the players, I tell one of the fatter ones to "put em on the glass" so he walks up and lifts up his shirt, but is about 2 feet away. I push him square in the back and smash him up against the glass and at this point Bip Roberts is laughing uncontrollably and they have to cut the take.At some point the blonde girl made her way onto the patio, the two guys I was with (who are also married) decided they were going to hit on here and try to pick her up. So one of them goes right up to her and says "Are you important" which leads too a very long conversation. I have a couple of the punjabs pull me aside and say "Does that line actually work, can white people get away with saying stuff like that?" At this point I just play along and start telling them all of the things we can do just because we are white. I don't remember any of it, but it was really funny and they were captivated. They were pretty good guys for a bunch of terrorists.Later we are back inside and some drunk kid is next to us talking to some older lady about soccer. I drunkenly as him if he honestly just bored that lady for 15 minutes about soccer. He tried to get all hard with us, then my boss (who is 6 foot 4, 230lbs) turns around and says what are you looking at? The guy responds with "you are big" and says it about 5 times. At this time about 5 bouncers swarm us and tell us its last call. I look at my phone and inform them it's only 10:00, they re-informed us that it was last call for us.So we take off, the guy who took us to the game heads home and we go to another bar. We get separated and all of the sudden I am at the bar next to the kid who we go kicked out over at the other bar. He is one of the belligerent drunk kids that thinks he is hard, but I a friendly drunk so I offer to buy him a drink and then he started acting just like the dude Wang tried to buy a drink for. Saying things like "you don't think I can buy my own drinks..." He had a shaved head and for some reason I thought it was funny to take his hat off and pat his bald head and tell it was "ok, he can be a big boy and let someone buy him a drink" which set him off and he started ranting and raving and backing into people doing the "hold me back thing" He almost fell over numerous times and I just walked away and it ended there before it got any worse.I headed outside to wait for my boss who informed me he was trashed and couldn't drink anymore. Since I don't have any Giants gear, I wore a Bears hat since it had orange on it. I then get in a heated conversation with some young Mexican dude about the Bears, Niners and Raiders. He kept getting in my face, but in a friendly way, if that makes any sense. After about 20 minutes of this I realize my boss left and ditched me. And the dudes friends had ditched him too. My phone was dead so I was using his phone trying to call my boss. Then me and (his name was Ray J, I think) Ray J started looking for another bar when I realize it's almost midnight and I need to get the BART station to catch the last train back to my car.The last train is horrifically slow, it took 90 minutes to essentially go 20 miles. Luckily I had mentioned to someone on the train my stop because I passed out while waiting and he woke me up, or I would have ended up about 10 miles from my car with no way to get back to it.I was getting low on gas as I got close to home, and I learned that all the gas stations near where I live actually are closed, even for credit card transactions, at 3:00 AM, so I ran out of gas 1 mile from my house and had to walk home and wake up my wife to bring me and a gas can back. She was not pleased with me yesterday.Sorry about awful writing, I wrote this with several breaks so I am sure flow and grammar is terrible.

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

Sorry about awful writing, I wrote this with several breaks so I am sure flow and grammar is terrible.

It was an enjoyable story.

[brvheart 1,752]

So it's pretty standard for most people to drive drunk? Is this really the case? Who knew. (apparently everyone but me)It was a good story, EG.

[SuitedAces21 2,722]

When do you graduate? I really need a good lawyer.

you couldnt afford me.

Well I am here in the middle of a bunch of fucking terrorists..."

haha. i thought it was a good recap. well done.

[strategy 4]

So it's pretty standard for most people to drive drunk? Is this really the case? Who knew. (apparently everyone but me)

it's generally frowned upon

[El Guapo 8]

Jesus Christ.I wasn't drunk when I drove home. It had been 4 hours since I had had a drink. But in all fairness, I would probably not have passed a BAC.

[Skeleton Jelly 2]

In Guapo's defense, it was minimum 90 minutes since his last drink when he drove. What's the ratio of drinking time to sobering up time? Greater than 6:1? Plus, maybe his huge shoulders absorb all the alcohol.Edit: too slow.