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I Called In Sick Today


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I would love it so much. Look, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'm fucking funny. When people don't laugh, it's because they're stupid. Even if I knew they were laughing because they had to, that would be fine, because they should be laughing anyway.
I can also kill a room pretty well*, and you can always tell that the laughs are genuine. If they aren't for any reason (like not hearing the joke, but still laughing)... http://www.youtube.com/watch#!v=5bhNOa...feature=related* I understand that I offer no proof of this online, but you'll have to trust me. My writing skills have improved ten fold since I joined FCP, but I'm still probably just average, to a little above average. Live delivery is a whole different ballgame.
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If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

and after 3 days, he is risen!

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

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I have no clue where I found this link, but I've been in every thread in this whole f-ing forum like 20 times and I can't find it... so it's going here.
seen this before?http://images.google.com/hosted/life
had to poop the entire time i was at the bar. at least 95% of the reason I didn't hook up with anything. pooping now. fucking glorious.
this excuse is particularly weak, even for youmy personal favorite? "girls don't like me because I'm nice."
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hey wang, I got told tonight that girls are put off by me because i'm too intellectual when I talk to them. so take your neechee and stick it up your ass, cause i'm smart in virginia (and north carolina too apparently).
We can both agree we're significantly smarter than Napa, right? What are the chances he's ever put a woman off with anything besides general creepiness?
also, was at the club outside smoking a cigarette and kind of made fun of this girl that was right beside me. went back inside and she followed me and basically tried to rape me with her butt on the dance floor. I'm too cool for that shit so I left her and she got really pissed. too cool for sex brah
That's nothing. I was having sex with a super-hot girl tonight when a reminder for a new episode of Covert Affairs popped up on my TV, so I said fuck that, we're watching this shit.
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Live delivery is a whole different ballgame.
Very true, I'm sure at least 80% of you guys would like me live Actually live is much more difficult because you got nowhere to surf for jokes or pictures, nor is there THE ABILITY TO IGNORE SOMEONE WHEN THEY ARE SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :club:
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I guess I didn't quote your post but I'm going to try and respond to your questions in order but I'm not sure my feeble mind remembers them all, so bear (rawr!) with me. 1). Your face is the gayest shit I've ever heard. 2). I think it happened in the post where you declare you're no longer bad interacting with women. When I read that I was like "oh shit, Wang is becoming aware. We are all ****ed if he decides to channel this appropriately, which I think you will. 3). Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words cut my soul a little everytime.

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My life just got better. Thanks Strat.
awesome. I don't know where or how I know of this guy, but here's his wikipedia page: michael ian black.shit, I think I'm remembering him from VH1. swear to god, I never watched that. FUCK.
This is how I know him: "In the latter part of 2004, he acted as guest-host of CBS's The Late Late Show while auditioning for the permanent hosting role. He was a finalist for the position, although the job eventually went to Craig Ferguson."
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1). Your face is the gayest shit I've ever heard
works every time.
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All of my classes this semester have downloadable video of the lectures available about two hours after class. I'm not sure why anyone would go to class.

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anyway, the best I could do was http://watchmovie247.com/half-baked-megavideo-full-movie/ and go to 50 minutes
Not good enough.
hey wang, I got told tonight that girls are put off by me because i'm too intellectual when I talk to them. so take your neechee and stick it up your ass, cause i'm smart in virginia (and north carolina too apparently).
I love it.
That's nothing. I was having sex with a super-hot girl tonight when a reminder for a new episode of Covert Affairs popped up on my TV, so I said fuck that, we're watching this shit.
I'm not sure I understand what happened here.
All of my classes this semester have downloadable video of the lectures available about two hours after class. I'm not sure why anyone would go to class.
Because nobody ever ends up actually watching the videos? Well, except you, probably, but you're a huge: NEEEEERD!
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this excuse is particularly weak, even for you
I was even reserved to going to the nasty bar bathroom and letting one fly, but the god damn door stalls wouldn't lock. I just can't get comfortable like that. it was pretty unfortunate actually. probably could have banged every girl at the bar if not for the poop. ooooh well.
We can both agree we're significantly smarter than Napa, right? What are the chances he's ever put a woman off with anything besides general creepiness?
well I mean obviously. goes without saying. although, I'd imagine in Iowa that if you talk about anything other than corn or wrestling you're probably considered one of those "college fags" so maybe we're underestimating him.naaah.IOWA!
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Group question: Where is the funniest and/or strangest place you have pooped a poop?During my senior year of college, I was at a house party when I realized that the shit I'd been trying to keep at bay was ready to come out on it's own accord. I pushed through a group of people, made it outside, and realized that I wasn't going to make it home...even though home was about two hundred yards away. I was on my way to the bushes when I noticed that there was a car parked in the dark alley behind the house. I knew that car. It belonged to my nemesis...we'll call him Ira Schwartz. Ira Schwartz personified every negative stereotype you've ever head about jews, from the hole in his heart to the horn on his head, and I'll leave it at that. I suppose that what I did could be considered a hate crime, but since most of my anger had to do with the fact that his existance gave me a bad name, maybe it's excusable. Really, there were people who had never met a jew before going to college, met him, and immediately disliked anyone associated with the religion until proven otherwise, and I can hardly blame them, though it was still infuriating. But I digress.I pooped a poop on the hood of his car. Then, using a stick, I nestled one of the poops under one of his windsheild wiper blades.

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well I mean obviously. goes without saying. although, I'd imagine in Iowa that if you talk about anything other than corn or wrestling you're probably considered one of those "college fags" so maybe we're underestimating him.naaah.IOWA!
Ohhh wrestling. When I was a sophomore I came home drunk one night and some unfortunate freshman said "hey" to me and I ended up cussing him out and yelling at him "do you know who I am? I went to state!" and then I speared him in our brick foyer and ended up beating the crap outta him until my friend needed my help from because he was "drowning" in the formal room. For the next 3 years it became a recurring joke and my friends would try to bring it up in almost any conversation that somewhat related to high school. This led to many unwanted conversations about how well their current HS teams are doing and how good they were in HS when I could give two shits. Iowa!Also I'm at work and literally the only work I have to do for the day is to file a journal entry that's in my inbox unless my boss comes up to me with some shit that'll probably take 20 minutes. All my work is bottle necked into a 2 week period and even then I don't have enough to do. Which would be ok if I had an office but I'm on the end of a cubicle row where people are constantly walking by and can see my screen. Living the dream, man.
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can't recall the strangest place i've schlomped, but i'm pretty costanza about my public restrooms. when i find a good one, it's mentally noted in case of emergency.

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Which would be ok if I had an office but I'm on the end of a cubicle row where people are constantly walking by and can see my screen.
This sentence has been written by approximately 80% of the American workforce at some point or another.
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yeah i can't just poop anywhere I mean are you people barbarians or what? and between wang telling us how great he is with women and cane telling us how rich he is I'm gonna have to go home and blow up my house just to even this place out. gettin' too fancy for my liking I gotta say.

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between wang telling us how great he is with women and cane telling us how rich he is I'm gonna have to go home and blow up my house just to even this place out. gettin' too fancy for my liking I gotta say.
N-bomb, please. I'm enormously poor and don't even have women to turn down in favor of taking a nice shit. I counteract any positive vibes coming from those two.Pre-Post Edit: You know, some might argue that blowing up your house would increase the overall fanciness of this place.
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N-bomb, please. I'm enormously poor and don't even have women to turn down in favor of taking a nice shit. I counteract any positive vibes coming from those two.
lol at a jew calling himself "poor." you're genetically incapable of being poor, fool.
Pre-Post Edit: You know, some might argue that blowing up your house would increase the overall fanciness of this place.
yo dat shit ain't even right.
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So I read a few things on this company Strat, and they seem to be pretty shady. Like a mix between JT Marlin and Morgan Stanley.
FYP
I haven't, but I'm very open minded. And attractive.
Buttsecks?
Phone is dying and finally caught up so I can only address one important issue. Cane don't eat ribs for lunch you fatass.
My last meal on death row would include a slab of baby back ribs from Charlie Robinson's, a Cajun bone-in ribeye from Simth & Wollensky's, a loaded baked potato and a diet Coke. Oberweis chocolate peanut butter ice cream for dessert.
Group question: Where is the funniest and/or strangest place you have pooped a poop?
In my pants...2 X.First was 2nd day of football practice freshman year. Stomach was a little upset and on the way to the bathroom let one fly and was running down my leg. Luckily took a quick shower, had another pair of shorts, and went back out if nothing happend.Second was in my car on a way to a bachelor party. Never made it.
can't recall the strangest place i've schlomped, but i'm pretty costanza about my public restrooms. when i find a good one, it's mentally noted in case of emergency.
McDonald's is the best AMIRITE Geoff?
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lol at a jew calling himself "poor." you're genetically incapable of being poor, fool.
Hey, even though I know I have a plan to no longer be poor in ten years doesn't mean I'm not poor now, honky.
Second was in my car on a way to a bachelor party. Never made it.
I'm going to my fifth and final bachelor party of the summer this weekend. It's a trip up to a house we rented in northern VT. Highlights will include:-an RV was rented for the drive -there will be three kegs for 12 of us...I find this excessive, but who knows-we purchased a pig, and an accompanying bbq guy who will be arriving at 5am on saturday to commence cooking said pig and all the trimmings, to be served for dinner-apparently two strippers will be showing up on saturday night-we will be digging and filling a mud pit for said strippers-someone is bringing a baby pool for said strippers to wash off said mud-beer pong, whiffleball, softball, fishing, bocce, etc.I'm not worried about making it there, I'm worried about making it back.
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