I Called In Sick Today

[loogie 115]

I'm going to cut back on my gesticulation.

[ShakeZuma 585]

whew. didn't say anything about participating in anal sex with other men. still straight!

[Roll the Bones 74]

whew. didn't say anything about participating in anal sex with other men. still straight!

Yeah buddy, but the way you show your CHEST makes me a little suspicious.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Obviously the true test is how attractive you find this: NSFW, SafeForSpeedz

[ShakeZuma 585]

uh, crap, guess I'm gay after all

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

uh, crap, guess I'm gay after all

sorry she wasn't at THE BEACH.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

Serious Article:http://christwire.org/2010/08/is-my-husband-gay/

I was trolling around a few other articles on that site, and they are absolute gold. I found this quote (from Leviticus!) in an article about Dirty Girls:"You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord.” I have decided, just now, that I am going to follow as many sentences as possible today with identity-confirming proclamations. "You shall not bring chips forward into the pot and then not wager them, unless you first make a verbal declaration of your intentions: I am the Floor.""You shall not dress like that and expect not to get ogled or eventually raped in an alley: I am the guy saying what everyone else is thinking.""You shall hang out near the entrance of this well, because it's creepy down here and I might need you to bring me back up on short notice: I am the lowered."

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

"You shall hang out near the entrance of this well, because it's creepy down here and I might need you to bring me back up on short notice: I am the lowered."

Haha

[ShakeZuma 585]

sorry she wasn't at THE BEACH.

a little old too

[vbnautilus 48]

I'm pretty sure christwire is satire.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

I'm pretty sure christwire is satire.

Is there anybody who thinks, or could ever think, it's not? It's about as classically satirical as it gets. I mean, the article titles? And the voice the writers use is just so hilarious and perfect.

[Shimmering Wang 1]

Haha

Thank you. I had to write two other ones hastily to set up the real punch line, but I thought the effort was worth it. I'm pretty sure "I am the lowered" is legitimately funny. I should start a twitter site called "I AM THE LOWERED."

[brvheart 1,752]

I was trolling around a few other articles on that site, and they are absolute gold. I found this quote (from Leviticus!) in an article about Dirty Girls:"You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord.” I have decided, just now, that I am going to follow as many sentences as possible today with identity-confirming proclamations. "You shall not bring chips forward into the pot and then not wager them, unless you first make a verbal declaration of your intentions: I am the Floor.""You shall not dress like that and expect not to get ogled or eventually raped in an alley: I am the guy saying what everyone else is thinking.""You shall hang out near the entrance of this well, because it's creepy down here and I might need you to bring me back up on short notice: I am the lowered."

I would pay money to be there today and here some of those.Also, I want to point out to everyone that that tattooing clause in Leviticus is the OT and doesn't apply to Christians... in case anyone was wondering. [/Christianity defense]BUT IT STILL APPLIES TO SPEEDZ AND CANE!

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Thank you. I had to write two other ones hastily to set up the real punch line, but I thought the effort was worth it. I'm pretty sure "I am the lowered" is legitimately funny. I should start a twitter site called "I AM THE LOWERED."

It is, and I thought the exact same thing when I first read the post. I haven't reg'd the name yet though, so go for it (if you haven't already)

[brvheart 1,752]

Thank you. I had to write two other ones hastily to set up the real punch line, but I thought the effort was worth it. I'm pretty sure "I am the lowered" is legitimately funny. I should start a twitter site called "I AM THE LOWERED."

This is actually a pretty excellent idea. You came up with 3 right away. It wouldn't be hard for you to come up with 1 a day.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Dammit, again I sit here in front of a taco salad, and again I am unsure on how to start.

[loogie 115]

"You shall hang out near the entrance of this well, because it's creepy down here and I might need you to bring me back up on short notice: I am the lowered."

I am the lowered! Wow. I can see the t-shirts already.

[ShakeZuma 585]

Dammit, again I sit here in front of a taco salad, and again I am unsure on how to start.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

wow. i'm telling you, that man was a prophet.

[vbnautilus 48]

Is there anybody who thinks, or could ever think, it's not? It's about as classically satirical as it gets. I mean, the article titles? And the voice the writers use is just so hilarious and perfect.

Oh yeah people think its real. Someone posted that link on facebook last week and the outrage! was pretty enjoyable.

[beans-n-icewater 18]

Im back home for all of you that worry about my whereabouts...Heres a re-cap of the festivitiesLast Sunday I boarded a plane around four thirty with a friend Ill call Gary, who has got to be the most nervous human being on the plant. His tendency to freak out at the least little thing has been constant entertainment for the Icewater family for many, many years. In fact, I really didnt want to go back to the desert until at least December or so, but I just couldnt turn down the opportunity for a few days of comedy gold. Yeah, drinking and gambling had a small input as wellI had never flown Alligent Airlines in the past, so it came as a small surprise that the "discount" carriers operate a little differently than the big guys. Dont get me wrong, I was pleased that they had a few seats available several hours before the others, but in hindsight a few more hours at the airport bar would have probably been a better option.."How can I help you guys?"(Beans glances at customer service representative)"Uh....youre a first officer?""Yessir!.... wanna go to Vegas?""Uh.....yeah, I guess....got any seats left?""Lemme just see here!"(starts pecking on laptop)"Uh....all the computers down or something?""Nope....we just use there here...(laughs).....dropped this one at LAX a couple hours ago....prised it still works!"(Beans tugs at collar and glances at Gary pulling a Xanax from bottle)"Gimme one of them just in case they do have a seat....(looks at first officer).....You probably need one of these too""Not for me....yet......Uh.....got two left....(pecks more).....not really good....(pecks more).....but theyre together"(swallows pill)"What the hell....give em to us..... Im feelin lucky today anyway"(hands over credit cards and licenses)"You guys have a good trip....ya hear?"(First officer of flight hands over two hand written boarding passes printed blurry enough that Randy couldnt even read them)"We'll probably see you onboard....hey, just to make it easier for ya.... I want two beers and Gary here will have the same""Huh?""I figured you and the captain would take turns pushin the drink cart down the isle or something"Once we made our way through the pitiful security and down a couple staircases, our crayola scribbled tickets were torn in half....literally.... the long walk across the tarmac found a blue and yellow bird sitting next to a gas pump with a set of vintage stairs more than likely purchased from the Titanic collection. As I made my way up the creaky ruins, my feet grew heavier and heavier. I now know exactly how the condemned prisoners feel as they make the walk down to the electric chair. My only hope was that it would be a water landing so I could finally get to use my seat cushion as a flotation device, that is as long as the urine and feces didnt ruin its buoyancy or anything. We made our way back to the windowless seats in the very back of the plane that faced a partition and bordered the lavatory. Gary popped another pill and practiced some sort of breathing exercise that supposedly counteracts severe claustrophobia while I chewed one of his Valiums and stared at the photo of my kid in my wallet. It couldnt get any worse, right?During the taxi to the runway, I couldnt help but add a touch of worry to my friend and our neighbors..."Geez....I cant believe the pilot is using differential thrust to steer this bird""Whats that???""Its where they add more power to one engine to point the nose in the other direction""IS THAT BAD?""Well.... not really, but it does say something about how cheap they are...trying to save brake linings and all""OH MY GOD.... I KNEW IT WAS A BAD SIGN THAT THEY HAVE A FUCKIN SEAT STILL OPEN AN HOUR BEFORE THEY TOOK THIS TRASH CAN UP IN THE AIR!"(neighbors glance nervously at us)"Dont worry about it too much....maybe they just dont have any in inventory or something right now....as long as they dont pull one of those running starts we'll probably be ok""WHAT IN THE FUCK IS A RUNNIN START?" (fellow travelers all turn to hear my explanation)"Well.... its where the pilot gives her the gas while hes still turning into the runway....it means the plane is too heavy and he needs all the speed he can get to attempt takeoff""ATTEMPT?""Yeah...ya see, sometimes these discount airlines haul cargo in addition to passengers to make a few extra bucks. You remember Valuejet, right? They were hauling pallets of oxygen generators for another airline when it went down in the swamp"(murmuring amongst passengers and eyeballs poking above headrests five rows forward)"JEBUS GODDAMN FUCKIN CHRIST!....I SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN FLY WITH A KNOW IT ALL PILOT RIGHT BESIDE MY ASS!"As you might guess, I knew beforehand that this particular airline employed the "running takeoff" procedure from the many times I observed their departures from the cockpit of my own bird, so it was no surprise to me at all when the throttles were pushed forward during the right turn into the runway..."HOLY FUCK ME! THE SONOFABITCH IS A GIVIN HER THE GAS WHILE HES A TURNIN! ILL BET THE BASTARDS HAVE THE BELLY OF THIS SONOFABITCH FULL OF LEAD OR SOMETHIN!"(passengers take note of the application of power during the turn and all look back at us for confirmation while Gary looks around wild eyed)"Just be calm.... were gonna be on the runway for a long time before this lead sled maybe gets in the air"(several seconds pass as the tension grows exponentially)Yeah, it made it up of course, much to the relief of my crazy friend and the hillbilly gamblers on board. My work was done for the air portion of the story, which not only provided myself with great amusement, but also padded the bottom line of the carrier by triggering a windfall of beers sales from isle twenty six aft. Gary was shut off after number six, so he petitioned myself and a few others to purchase three more for him before the Michelins touched concrete at McCarran. We were picked up by his father-in-law and spent the first night at their house just a block or two from our last residence in HendersonNext installment brings a drunken night downtown, where Garys prescription medication mixes somewhat poorly with my favorite beer at the Main Streets brewpub and creates the largest public disturbance that Ive ever been involved with...

[beans-n-icewater 18]

The next morning around seven, Gary knocked on the bedroom door and asked if I wanted to go to Terribles for coffee with him. I dont drink coffee, but I tagged along anyway just in case he pulled some crazy stunt or something. One of his many vices is video poker, so I knew that we would be there for a while and since he always has at least one run in with a stranger that involves an argument, I didnt want to miss one single incident for my memoirs sakeWithin a few minutes of sitting down at the nine/six machine, the following happened...(female attendant walks over to Gary)"Sir, you cant smoke in here""WHAT?......I SMOKE IN HERE ALL THE TIME!""Sorry...can anymore""WHAT THE GODDAMN HELL?.....CANT SMOKE IN A CASINO ANYMORE?....NO WONDER HERBST IS BROKE!""Sorry"(Gary takes a super long drag off of the cig and runs off to door to throw it in the parking lot)About this time, Im dealt three to a royal in spades, hold them, and starts aggravating Gary as he sits down..."Youd think that they would want folks to smoke in here, huh?""Fuckin bastards.... cant drink in here, either""We should probably go to a real casino....how bout Main Street?"(Beans pushes deal/draw button)"Yeah....I wanna try those beers that you always talk about...cant win shit here, anyway"(Beans glances at screen)"Wow....just got a royal, Gary""WHAT THE FUCK????""Thousand bucks""HOLY FUCKIN SHIT!..... YOU LUCKY GODDAMN BASTARD!""Its been a couple years since Ive got one""BULLSHIT!.... YOU GOT THAT ONE IN TUNICA LAST NOVEMBER!...LUCKY ************!....GODDAMN!....SHIT!...YEAH.....LOOK AT MINE....I GOT THREE TO A STRAIGHT!....CANT EVEN SMOKE OR DRINK!..... GET YOUR MONEY AND LETS GET THE **** OUTTA HERE!Of course, the cashiers at the gas stations dont pay out on anything over five ninety nine or something, so we had to sit there until someone from the main casino could drive over with the cash. Gary sit fuming while playing the machine by banging the buttons with his fist and cussing everything from butterflies to Oscar Goodman until the guy dressed as a maintenance man arrived and counted out nine one hundred dollar bills and five twenties in my palm. He continued the cuss-fest back to the house as I rubbed salt in his wounds about my six month long winning streak and the amounts of each. Little did I know that my gas on the fire would come back to haunt me a few hours later...

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

more: Sexually Oblivious Rhinowho's in charge of recruitment these days?

[El Guapo 8]

I rarely tell my wife anything that is posted in here, let alone read her something, because for the most part it just does not translate and then she just thinks I am a bigger idiot than she did earlier in the day.I just read her Bean's flight story from beginning to end ( i made sure to add the correct emphasis's) and her rolling laughing. We have an Agilent hub in Stockton, and have heard similar tales.I spent about 2 hours too many cleaning my pool filter then trying to prime the pump to get it back working at 7:00 this morning. I gave up, went to my grandmothers 90th birthday party, came back and fixed it in about 15 minutes.Oh, i forgot to mention. This post is full of random thoughts.

[brvheart 1,752]

That was one of my favorite Beans stories ever for a couple reasons: 1) I started here late, and missed a bunch of them.2) I laughed out loud.ps. I know I'm stating the obvious here, but Beans always acts like a hick, but then has a lot of intelligence seeping throughout his stories, and that's really enamoring.pps. Apparently, Beans has taken on the manifestation of a higher power or something for me, and can never been spoken to directly.