I Called In Sick Today

[JoeyJoJo 18]

Ichiro should be considered for the athletes cool bracket.

VIDEO: Ichiro can hit, field and give a girl an orgasm with a single touchGirls react much differently when Ichiro touches them than they do when Ben Roethlisberger touches them.http://www.sportspickle.com/article:1059/v...-a-single-touch

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

I've learned from Jubi and runthemover that you can't worry about that stuff.

it's a moral imperative!

[El Guapo 8]

Assuming she's 18, "I'd touch her"If she's under 18, where her parents letting her go out in public dressed like that!

[brvheart's I Phone 0]

Ha! Simmons was on Le Batard today and admitted he would trade the entire current Celtics roster for Miami's Big 3. I'm glad Dan pushed him to be honest, so that it will show how hypocritical Thursdays article was.

[Napa_Don 688]

I don't see how that makes him hypocritical unless I'm mis-interpreting what he has said in his columns. I'd refute but I'm eating, playing poker and watching tombstone. And talking to some friends on xbox live.

[timwakefield 68]

So I just saw Steve Nash mackin it with a 20ish brown-skinned hottie. I was at the bar that my friend tends in lower Manhattan - it's more of a restaurant than a bar, at least at night, so the bar itself was very empty. For a little while it was just me, my friend the bartender, and Steve Nash and his lady. They were talking sweetly into each others' ears the whole time, so I didn't have a good opportunity to steal a picture or even a handshake. He seemed very nice - when he paid the bill his girlfriend introduced herself to my friend, and Steve Nash also introduced himself as Steve. It's definitely the type of fancy-casual-tiny place that you'd go when you don't want to be hounded by the public, so I left him alone. It was completely 100% him though. I used to work at a swanky restaurant in SoHo so I've seen my share of famous people in restaurants, but never a huge sports star. It was a little bit surreal. He had a skateboard with him.EDIT: Oh, according to the internet he's married. 95% sure it wasn't his wife in there with him (plenty of pictures of the wife on google, this girl was younger and had darker skin). I could be wrong and I don't wanna slander him but it appeared to be a date, like they were getting to know each other, and even though it was dark she definitely looked about 25ish, give or take 5 years. His wife is significantly older.

[brvheart 1,752]

I don't see how that makes him hypocritical

It just does.

[CaneBrain 95]

Ha! Simmons was on Le Batard today and admitted he would trade the entire current Celtics roster for Miami's Big 3. I'm glad Dan pushed him to be honest, so that it will show how hypocritical Thursdays article was.

Even worse, on simmons podcast he tried to compare Lebron/Wade/Bosh to Drexler/Hakeem/Barkley getting together in 1997 and LeBatard just obliterated him....."how can you compare three guys in their late 30s to this situation, simmons?"

[brvheart 1,752]

Ironic that Simmons seems to leave someone out of this rant:"It's one thing to leave. I get it. You're 25. You don't know any better. You're tired of carrying mediocre teams. You want help. You want the luxury of not having to play a remarkable game every single night for eight straight months. You want to live in South Beach. You want to play with your buddies. I get it. I get it. But turning that decision into a one-hour special, pretending that it hadn't been decided weeks ago, using a charity as your cover-up and ramming a pitchfork in Cleveland's back like you were at the end of a Friday the 13th movie and Cleveland was Jason ... there just had to be a better way.I blame the people around him. I blame the lack of a father figure in his life. I blame us for feeding his narcissism to the point that he referred to himself in the third person five times in 45 minutes. I blame local and national writers (including myself) for apparently not doing a good enough job explaining to athletes like LeBron what sports mean to us, and how it IS a marriage, for better and worse, and that we're much more attached to these players and teams than they realize. I blame David Stern for not throwing his body in front of that show. I blame everyone."ESPN.

[Napa_Don 688]

Ironic that Simmons seems to leave someone out of this rant:"It's one thing to leave. I get it. You're 25. You don't know any better. You're tired of carrying mediocre teams. You want help. You want the luxury of not having to play a remarkable game every single night for eight straight months. You want to live in South Beach. You want to play with your buddies. I get it. I get it. But turning that decision into a one-hour special, pretending that it hadn't been decided weeks ago, using a charity as your cover-up and ramming a pitchfork in Cleveland's back like you were at the end of a Friday the 13th movie and Cleveland was Jason ... there just had to be a better way.I blame the people around him. I blame the lack of a father figure in his life. I blame us for feeding his narcissism to the point that he referred to himself in the third person five times in 45 minutes. I blame local and national writers (including myself) for apparently not doing a good enough job explaining to athletes like LeBron what sports mean to us, and how it IS a marriage, for better and worse, and that we're much more attached to these players and teams than they realize. I blame David Stern for not throwing his body in front of that show. I blame everyone."ESPN.

Pretty sure he is implicitly blaming ESPN. He just can't come out and say, it's all ESPN, because, he works there and if rumors are true: he tip toes that line enough as it is. Plus, pretty sure ESPN is "everyone". Bustin' chops today.

[brvheart 1,752]

Pretty sure he is implicitly blaming ESPN. He just can't come out and say, it's all ESPN, because, he works there and if rumors are true: he tip toes that line enough as it is. Plus, pretty sure ESPN is "everyone". Bustin' chops today.

ESPN disciplines any of it's employees that bad mouth the network. Just another reason to hate them.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Demarcus Cousins. Kings w/ Back to Back ROY

Yeah, I haven't seen any odds or anything, yet, but I'll be shopping around for a good price on Cousins. He's just... absurd. I think he'd be a better pro than John Wall if it weren't for the concerns about discipline, character, etc. When I'm wrong, be sure to remember this and throw it in my face. I'm probably the worst evaluator of NBA talent in the entire world. I'm wrong every time.

Man, pele_br is going to be so pissed when he hears this.

I so badly wanted to make this post, but was worried noone would get the reference.

I never had any idea what the whole story was with pele_br and Mr Sparco, but I still thought it was hilarious. I remember JS Hamm (??) or someone just quoting a pele_br post, and then writing. "I wonder what Mr. Sparco has to say about this. Thoughts?" Also, every time I see the name Mr. Sparco I always think about this, one of my favorite scenes from the Simpsons. My friend Jerry could do that entire commercial in the exact voice. I would get drunk and force him to do parts of it at bars, and then make him reenact the entire "Steamed Hams" scene with me. (I was Supernintendo Chalmers.) I am awesome.

I've learned from Jubi and runthemover that you can't worry about that stuff.

it's a moral imperative!

Some of us actually believe it is. As famed German philosopher Immanuel Kant said in A Critique of Practical Reason, "It's a categorical imperative, motherfuckers."

Ironic that Simmons seems to leave someone out of this rant: ESPN.

Actually, Bill Simmons has been as critical of his home network as one can reasonably expect. Nobody would blame him if he never said anything bad about his employer -- they've made him rich and famous, after all -- but he's actually taken a few stands and dug in from time to time. This is around the time I went from thinking he's kind of a tool to respecting the hell out of him.

ESPN disciplines any of it's employees that bad mouth the network. Just another reason to hate them.

I have been on record as hating ESPN as early as 2005/2006. Unlike cats, they are the worst.

[Tactical Bear 3]

So I've got a date Monday night. This one's been a long time coming. I actually asked her out a while back, but it was all shot to hell before it even got started. Long story summarized:One night, I was chatting with Kayla, and she mentioned that one of the new waitresses (I think she's already got a fake name, but for fun, we'll call her "Joanna") thought I was cute. I thought that was pretty cool of her to pass the information along, and I mentioned that I was already thinking about asking her out. Kayla was really surprised, and actually thought I was kidding for a while. The next day I came to work, and word had spread. It was like being in high school. Apparently, Kayla told one person without thinking about it, and it spread like wild-fire. Kayla knew better, and eventually apologized (though I'm still not sure she wasn't trying to submarine me), though the damage was done. Of course, if everyone else knew, so did Joanna. At the end of the night, I apologized to Jo, promised her I'm really not as immature as I appeared, and kind of asked her out. She agreed, then later canceled because she had to work, and we never really got around to rescheduling. I was thinking about giving it another shot, then she mentioned that she was thinking about getting back together with her boyfriend, and I said, "fuck it." We get along, I'm attracted to her, she's cool, but it's probably better this way. She's really into God, I think, so: I'm probably not an ideal match. Fast forward to tonight. I walk into work, and Mama Bear -- 34, very attractive, tends bar and usually acts as de facto manager, takes no shit from nobody, and I consider her a good friend -- immediately says, "Hey. You. When you get a minute we gotta go smoke. Need to talk." Okay. I assumed it was about something my players were doing to fuck her world up, Mama Bear: "Okay, so here's the deal. You didn't hear this from me."Wang: "What?"Mama Bear: "I said, 'You didn't hear this from me.'"Wang: "No, I meant... are you fucking with me?"Mama Bear: "Yes."Wang: "I will punch you in the mouth."Mama Bear: "Okay, so Jo's single."Wang: "Oh."Mama Bear: "And I know she wants you to know, but she made the girls promise not to tell you. I walked in on the end of the conversation, I called them gossipy bitches and told them to get back to work, but I didn't promise anybody anything."Wang: "I... what?"Mama Bear: "She's not with that retard anymore, and she doesn't want to just come up to you and say, 'Hey, I'm single now,' because she said that would be... I don't remember the word. It starts with a 'P.'"Wang: "Presumptuous?"Mama Bear: "That's the one, college boy. Anyway, she doesn't want to ask YOU out because she's a coward, and she doesn't know how to let you know she's interested and single, so I figured I'd save us all some trouble and just tell you. And she doesn't want any of us to tell you, because you'll see right through and think she's an idiot."Wang: "This is just so ironic."Mama Bear: "I know. I might not have told you if it weren't so hilarious and perfect."Wang: "Well, it really is perfect when you think about it. You know, because of the whole, 'I'm not a high schooler' thing from before."Mama Bear: "Yup. What are you going to do?"Wang: "Nothing. Leave her to twist in the wind, probably."Mama Bear: "Really?"Wang: (contemptuous glance at Mama Bear)Mama Bear: "Okay. Good luck. Remember, you didn't hear this from me." Wang: "Okay. And even though I didn't say anything, you're the only person that knows about this conversation apart from me, so if anything leaks..."Mama Bear: "I'm not Kayla. Speaking of which, what about her? You should date her."Wang: (totally impassive; cool) "Yeah, I think her boyfriend would love that."Mama Bear: "He's a little bitch. Goodluck with Jo. Make it seem like you just randomly decided to ask her out again, okay?"Wang: "I'm... not that bad, you know."Mama Bear: "Whatever. Good talk?"Wang: "Good talk."Fast forward to 2:30AM, and: I got a date Wednesday, baby. (Actually, Monday, but I wanted to use the quote.)Suggestions? I know very little about her, but if anybody has any date ideas, fire them to me. Restaurants, things to do, etc.

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

Tell her you guys are going to a movie. At the last minute let her know that there's nothing good out, and suggest that she come over and watch one. Vicky Christina Barcelona. It's about a guy that tries to hook up a threesome. It's not like that, it's actually a really good movie. And red wine.No chance anyone gets this.

[LadyGrey 6]

Tell her you guys are going to a movie. At the last minute let her know that there's nothing good out, and suggest that she come over and watch one. Vicky Christina Barcelona. It's about a guy that tries to hook up a threesome. It's not like that, it's actually a really good movie. And red wine.No chance anyone gets this.

Gets what?I've seen Vicky Cristina Barcelona (there's no 'H' in Cristina). I like Woody Allen but I didn't think VCB was "a really good movie", I wouldn't choose to watch it again. It might get some people in a sexy mood though, so if that's what you're going for maybe it's a decent idea. There are sexier films though.

[LongLiveYorke 38]

There are sexier films though.

I hope Joey doesn't see this. If so, I smell another list!

[CardWarfare 4]

I knew you'd say that! I pretty much made the comment for you.(Though, I'd say it's more of the New York attitude in me, because if you live in NYC and go to a TGI Friday's, you're either a tourist or you deserve to be beaten with a stick)

Agreed. Only thing worse than Friday's is Ruby Tuesdays. That just said you originally wanted to go to Friday's, but are too much of a faggot.

Or both!When living in New York, did you get food delivered to you a lot?

Yes.

So I've got a date Monday night.

After reading this, as well as your description, I REALLY want to have sex with mama bear.

[brvheart 1,752]

She's really into God, I think, so: I'm probably not an ideal match.

Dangit Wang, I told you to leave her alone. But, if she wants to date you, then she's probably not really into God anyway... so have at it.

After reading this, as well as your description, I REALLY want to have sex with mama bear.

She's a smoker.

[CardWarfare 4]

She's a smoker.

IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER

[Tactical Bear 3]

Dangit Wang, I told you to leave her alone. But, if she wants to date you, then she's probably not really into God anyway... so have at it.

Now what, exactly the fuck, is this supposed to mean?

[El Guapo 8]

Now what, exactly the fuck, is this supposed to mean?

You're godless.----Anyways, back to the ROY discussion. I think the Kings do better job than most organizations (Petrie at least) in vetting their talent. The Artest trade was 100% the Maloof's decision, not Petrie's. I think the head issues with Cousins made his stock drop dramatically and would have been the #2 overall pick had they not been present.I think Petrie was forced to postpone the rebuild 2 years because the Maloofs were holding on to the 2002 - 2004 seasons. So now we are finally seeing the progressing of his moves. I admit I wanted Rubio, not Tyreke, but I knew nothing about Tyreke at the time.I think we potentially have two of the top young players in the leauge. We got Dalembert for free. And Two serviceable PF's in Landry and Jason Thompson. At small forward Green and Caspi have lots of upside still. If Westphal can put everything in place, this could be a 40 win team this year.And next year we will have 20+ million of cap space still after teams blow there wads this year overpaying for marginal talent (Amare, Lee, Johnson, etc.)So I am excited to be a Kings fan again.

[Poppy_Hillis 11]

Gets what?

It was from a tv show...that probably no one has seen. That's fine, it worked for me.

[vbnautilus 48]

Suggestions? I know very little about her, but if anybody has any date ideas, fire them to me. Restaurants, things to do, etc.

You've got to bring her to a church social. You know, out-god her.

[Napa_Don 688]

It was from a tv show...that probably no one has seen. That's fine, it worked for me.

Which one? It sounded familiar when I read it, but I couldn't place it and I guess I'm not good enough at googling to figure it out.

[speedz99 145]

Just got back from a wedding weekend. Hooked up with the maid of honor, which allows me to cross something off my lifetime "to do list", but only sort of, since there was no actual sex. I guess I'll just tell the story.So the maid of honor, we'll call her "Mary", was around my age and seemed like a good prospect from the beginning. Great body, acceptable-to-cute face, and no personality whatsoever. It was like talking to a wall, if walls were capable of nodding and giving blank stares. The good and bad news for the weekend was that she seems to have a poorly hidden alcohol problem. Friday night was the rehearsal dinner, after which all of the friends adjourned to the hotel bar. Mary was obviously very drunk before leaving the dinner venue, to the point of slightly slurred speech and the occasional stumble. Perfect. Unfortunately, she continued to drink heavily at the hotel bar, and by around 1am was, well, sleeping with her head on the bar. By sleeping I mean stone cold passed out. And by the bar, I actually mean the bar...she didn't even bother to put her arms down to shield her face from the spilled yuengling and pretzel crumbs. Less than perfect. At some point I took a quick walk to find a friend, and while I was gone she apparently jerked back to life, lifted her head, looked around, and asked (nobody in particular), "Where'd he go?" Then she stumbled to the elevator and went to bed. I decided that it was better that way, since it's better to fail to satisfy a woman on the second of your two nights together. I didn't need the wedding to be too awkward.Saturday was fairly normal...nice wedding, fun party, etcetera. For the last half hour of the party I was dancing with Mary, or at least holding her up while she attempted to sway from side to side. At this point everyone was aware of what was going on between myself and Mary, so I was getting a lot of interested (and interesting) looks from the many friends of my parents who were in the crowd. The men were proud, the women were amused. On our way out, the bride asked me to bring a few centerpieces back to the hotel for the next day's brunch, so for the next phase of our story I was holding two vases with a dozen purple flowers.We got back to the hotel, and Mary whispered to me, "Let's go up to my room so I can change." Oh, I should mention that, in reading any of Mary's quotes, you need to do it in heavily slurred speech. So I'm getting excited, and we hop on the elevator. When we entered her room, I was very surprised to see 35-ish woman who has obviously just changed into her pajamas and was ready to get in bed. Mary stopped short, and I could see the wheels turning. "Oh, yeah, this is...my roommate, she went to law school with [the bride] and is my roommate tonight. I'll... ... ...just go to the bathroom." So now I'm standing in a hotel room, flowers in each hand, with a person I've never met, who obviously knows what's happening in front of her face. Speedz: You're a lawyer?Roommate: Yeah.Speedz: What kind of law do you practice?Roommate: I'm out of work.Speedz: Ah.Roommate: ...Speedz: You can tell Mary that I'll meet her at the elevators.So Mary and I went back downstairs. We sat down with some friends, and after a few minutes I asked her if she wanted to go up to my room, which she did. We get to the same cursed elevators again, and I realize that a group of about eight of my parents' friends is sitting in the lobby, staring at us. I hit the button, the door opened, and I did the "slowly back away" move, keeping strong eye contact with the group as the doors closed in front of us. I'm looking forward to my mother's comments on the affair. Oh, I forgot to mention that, at the very end of the reception (at around midnight), Mary was trying her best to get me naked...first taking off my vest, then unbuttoning my shirt, until I stopped her and said that we should hold off for a few more minutes. Yes, the parents' friends saw that as well.Finally, finally, we got up to my room. She fell onto the bed, and in the 35 seconds it took me to find and situate the "Do Not Disturb" sign outside the door, passed out. I got out of my tux, got in bed, and gently (as possible), woke her up. We did some stuff for a while, but the whole time I was forced to keep her awake by utilizing various methods which do not need mentioning. As her eyes continued to roll back into her head, I stopped, shook her a bit, and asked her if she was going to be ok or just wanted to go to sleep. I have my limit. And that limit, apparently, is rape. She excused herself to the bathroom.When she returned, she stopped in front of the bed and swayed a bit. Putting on what seemed like was her sexiest face, she muttered, "I didn't wash my hands," and promptly did a swan dive onto the bed. Sadly, it was very dark in the room, and she overestimated the dimensions of the bed. She landed about halfway on me and the bed, and immediately careened off towards the floor. Using my catlike reflexes, I shot my arm out to try and shield her from serious injury...but all I was able to do was get my hand under her face. So there I was, holding her torso up by the face, with her legs having just crashed to the floor. I reached down with my other arm to grab her, and tossed her back onto the bed. At this point sexual relations were out of the question, so I gave her about fifteen seconds to pass out, did the arm test (three times lifting it and letting go to make sure she was out cold), and headed back downstairs to continue drinking. Thankfully, while downstairs I was informed that this story didn't really surprise any of her friends, as she has a history of trying to hook up with guys but passing out instead. At least it wasn't just me.The End

Suggestions? I know very little about her, but if anybody has any date ideas, fire them to me. Restaurants, things to do, etc.

Go to the zoo.