Jump to content

I Called In Sick Today


Recommended Posts

  • Replies 268k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Ron_Mexico

    19414

  • speedz99

    16304

  • Napa Lite

    7767

  • ShakeZuma

    7517

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

If you are paying $20 for a haircut, I imagine people assume you did it yourself anyway.

and after 3 days, he is risen!

Pocket change cost me my first and only black girlfriend.   It was in the middle of a roaring poker boom and I was flush in ways most men don't even bother dreaming of. Money, it was like dirt to me

Posted Images

I might actually have a gift-deficit of over $2000 since I started college. The doctor likes to buy expensive technology for my parents, who really don't have a use for such things..
You are... the doctor? My parents are very generous, so I think I've only had a Familial Gift-Deficit once in my life. I do, however, manage to run a sizable Net Gift-Suprlus among my friends every year.
Link to post
Share on other sites
I worded that about as badly as possible. Everyone buys stuff for me and I buy very little. My brothers like to give nice things to my parents and sign my name under "from" out of kindness.I did buy my dad a Jayhawk mug with his name on it today, thought, so I got that goin' for me.
It didn't help that I used "surplus" when I meant to use "deficit" the second time.For clarification:Gift Deficit: When gifts given exceed gifts received.Gift Surplus: When gifts received exceed gifts given.
Link to post
Share on other sites
she's fiesty, i like her. i'd like her better if she flashed the camera, but i like her anyways.
I worded that about as badly as possible. Everyone buys stuff for me and I buy very little.
you mean, like, toothpaste?
Link to post
Share on other sites
It's career fair time for me again. I've already got interviews for internships with two small firms (one has a really Jewish sounding name that I don't want to post in case they google themselves, so Cane/Speedz..put in a word through the tribe for me?). I've decided I'm going to try something different this year in interviews...I'm going to stretch the truth to the point where it might not even be true anymore to come up with good situations/answers for the behavioral type questions that are so popular in interviews nowadays.
<<---- Reference!
Link to post
Share on other sites
Absolutely, Herman. There are some stipulations, however: - You must refer to me as "Mister Manager," and correct everyone else if they refer to me as anything but "Mister Manager" during work hours, even if I am not present. Example: "So I was talking to Derek about my schedule, and he sa-" Clint: "You mean Mister Manager?" "Uh, yeah, Mister Manager." Clint: "Manager. We just say manager." "But Clint you just said-" Clint: "Doesn't matter who." You have to do this every time no matter what. You'll have some latitude to goof around with it, though.- You have to tell stories about how awesome/retarded I am. I can't really tell a lot of these stories to my dealers, so you'll have to tell them. Just act like you were there or something, or like I told you years ago. I'd rather you not start the stories with, "So I was browsing the Sick Thread and...."- Two days per month, when I go to the bar to try to get laid, you will be my wingman. This will end disastrously for the both of us. - Finally, and most importantly, you have to deal with "
" jokes. If I need to talk to you, I will use the PA and say "Paging Mr. Herman. Mr. Herman..." every single time. You might even be standing there next to me, like 8 feet away. Doesn't matter. I will enjoy working with you.
I'd like to make an amendment to the bolded: One of the said nights, I have to use the "Haaave you met Wang?" introduction on no less than two women and I have to work in that you have a 42" tv and a 56?" tv as well, no less than three but not more than five times.Edit: I'd also like the option of over-dressing excessively, i.e. wearing a tuxedo with many top hats, while dealing.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Off to my second softball game ever. I wasn't too impressive in the first one. No more outfield under the lights for this guy.
We split the first two games of the championship tonight...rubber match to be played on friday for the whole shebang.Dammit...I had a story to tell, but Dewey just distracted me by putting his head in my Cheetos bag (not a euphamism, an actual bag of the snack food), and now I'm blanking. Shit. It was specifically a "Wang will like this one" story.Wait...nope. Dammit.Wait! There's an "open mic night" at school on friday, and one of my two buddies in my class is going to be performing a song on guitar (I thought of this because now I'm going to have to miss it due to the softball game). Today he asked me if I was going, and I said that I would probably be there. His comment was, "You're actually the only person that I kind of don't want to be there. I don't want to be heckled."Apparently the impression I've given to this poor kid (he's 22) is that my mostly good natured ribbing is so over the top that I'd heckle one of my only friends for having the balls to get up on stage. I feel badly about this. I'm not sure why I thought Wang would like that story.
After I graduate, I would dead-seriously do this for a summer. No-fucking-joke. I wouldn't even care that we won't like each other. Would be worth it.
I think that you and sal would get along quite well, actually. Although the combined lack of ambition in the household would be impressive even for a southern state.
Link to post
Share on other sites
might wanna think about studying this timejuuuust kidding, you got screwed, and believe me, I know what it's like to get screwed over by an employer. fucking ridiculous.
I enjoyed this.
Maybe we will get that drink. Bills Dolphins perhaps?
Whoa whoa whoa... you better watch the expenditures.
Yeah, btw, if by some off chance they do decide to check references...the excel sheet I created this summer pretty much cures cancer.
ridiculous. You know better than to tell me how to sell... They will think you're a decorated Vietnam vet after I'm done talking with them.I really enjoy the movie: semi-pro. I said it.
Will Arnet - "Yeeeah.. I'll bet my alleged son that he won't make this."swishAnnouncer - "Jackie Moon finally making a move aaaand it was worth the wait."Jackie Moon - "ALL DAY LONG! ALL DAY"Ref - "Traveling"Jackie Moon - "No no no, 1 1/2 steps!"Ref - "Come on Jackie.. you walked"Jackie Moon - "Suck my cock! I'll murder your family!"whistleRef - "You're gone Jackie Moon!"Jackie Moon " WHAT?! What did I say!?"Ref - "You said, S my C"Jackie kicks the ball into the standsAnnouncer - "aaaand one lucky fan will go home with a game ballll"Jackie - "I didn't say anything."Ref - "You said S my C. I should call your mother."Jackie - "You would need a phone to heaven.... to do that."Ref - "Maybe your mother didn't go to heaven."Announcer - "Ohhhh dear."Will Arnet - "Ohhhh no."Jackie points at the ref.... "Ok guys... off the floor... let's go."Announcer - "....aaaaand it appears that a line haaaas been crossed byyyy: Father Pat, of all people.Ref (Father Pat) - (to the announcer) "Thanks for staying Dick."Announcer - "aaannnndd that will do it from St. Louis, where the final score is... Innnnconclusive.
Link to post
Share on other sites

Consumption of night at Mortons.Bar:Captain and CokePrivate meeting room:Bruschetta with fresh basilSeared scallops with Apricot Clos Du Bois Cabernet X 4 GlassesCaptain and CokeBreadCaesar SaladMed Rare Filet Mignon w/ BearnaiseMashed PotatoesCheese Cake (only a few bites, I was stuffed)WaterBar (later):Captain Private Stock on rocksOverall 7/10Steak was med on one side, med rare on the other. It melted in my mouth, but I am not a huge Filet fan. Would have rather had a NY or Rib Eye.Salad was terrible. It was dry with canned Parmesan. I went to Mortons, not Denny's, right?Mashed potatoes, were mashed potatoes, hard to mess that up.Bruschetta was amazingScallops were ok, i don;t think they sear them enough there. And they got cold quick.Cheese cake was good, but just too much.Drinks were very nice.All in all I spent $25. Boss got before dinner drinks, I got after dinner, and JP Morgan got the rest. It was actually a great presentation. We listened to the former CIO of JP Morgan and I asked him about 15 questions, and he answered them all including some tough ones. It's pretty cool when you get access to that type of knowledge in an open format.I am back at work, and not sure why.

Link to post
Share on other sites

hank: Cane, have you considered going back to school for a degree in Accounting or Economics.me2: but he could totally get into grad school without doing another undergradJoey: you're up at 12:30 making jokes like this?me2: my battery is at like 96%Joey: you're telling meme2: pretty sure that's impossibleHaley Joel Olastname: not for meme2: yea. you've been drinkingJoey: oh that's too soonEl G: huh?me2: you know what time it is?Joey: actually I...Tuesday Night FCP RUN'S HOUSE. FCP RUN'S HOUSE. FCP RUN'S HOUSE.El G: isn't it Wed nes day now?me2: 97%El G: why am I here?me2: we're making the magazine remember?El G: uh no.me2: yea it's gonna be really cool. there'll be skeletons and navybuttons is gonna...Joey: now you're just making stuff upme2: he wears a pea coat. pee pee.Sduck: I'm soldme2: well it's cheaper with these chipsSduck:El G: yes it is embarrassingme2: that it took you five times to spell that word correctly?me3: not even Joey gives out two doubles at onceloogie: you're resorting to colored jokes now?El G: nah. I don't golf. bad backme2: we would've also accepted something about laundryme3: 100%. you know what that means?LG:El G: OMG SHE'S CHOKINGstrat: I'm not letting you make this next joke, runme2: you're not the boss of mestrat: well me's not here now is he?me: aren't I?me2: no you aren't. you're dead.me: oh sorry.me2: what a jerk.me3: he just wants to re-live the college years again

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think that you and sal would get along quite well, actually. Although the combined lack of ambition in the household would be impressive even for a southern state.
and I mean, the smell. god the smell.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Wait! There's an "open mic night" at school on friday, and one of my two buddies in my class is going to be performing a song on guitar (I thought of this because now I'm going to have to miss it due to the softball game). Today he asked me if I was going, and I said that I would probably be there. His comment was, "You're actually the only person that I kind of don't want to be there. I don't want to be heckled."Apparently the impression I've given to this poor kid (he's 22) is that my mostly good natured ribbing is so over the top that I'd heckle one of my only friends for having the balls to get up on stage. I feel badly about this. I'm not sure why I thought Wang would like that story.I think that you and sal would get along quite well, actually. Although the combined lack of ambition in the household would be impressive even for a southern state.
I like this story. The reason you thought I would like this story is because I can quickly find the parallel in my own life. (I once told a story about how some people at work thought my nonsense was dead-serious; they didn't get that I was just being silly.) You would not be wrong. As for the bolded part, I'm not sure it would be a lack of ambition, but rather a misdirected ambition. I can't speak for Sal, but I'm pretty sure I would put no effort into my job or improving my life, but I would spend hours playing subtle and ultimately pointless practical jokes. For example, I am already instantly certain that I would try to drive Shake insane by saturating his existence with Allen Iverson's "40 Bars." His ringtone, the sound when he gets an AIM, ~5% of his .mp3 catalog -- all would be replaced with "40 Bars."
Link to post
Share on other sites

Dude, so IQCrash is in Rose's will. Whaaaaat - oh no he didn! Oh yeah he did, girl!I'm not sure that sassy-talk was appropriate but it felt good to get it off my chest. Anyways, if the will talk has already been discussed then I apologize, and also look like a fool for not keeping up to date on this place. But if any of you guys haven't heard about that...yeah. Weirdest thing in awhile. Putting IQCrash in your will is what I call a true 'titical blunder.'

Link to post
Share on other sites
I would spend hours playing subtle and ultimately pointless practical jokes. For example, I am already instantly certain that I would try to drive Shake insane by saturating his existence with Allen Iverson's "40 Bars." His ringtone, the sound when he gets an AIM, ~5% of his .mp3 catalog -- all would be replaced with "40 Bars."
I believe you're forgetting how many guns I own.
Hi guys. Just dropping by to leave something for Andrew just in case he hasn't seen it yet.Pickler's new video
ooooo... I'm definitely gonna mastu... yeah, masturbate to that when I get home.
Link to post
Share on other sites
After I graduate, I would dead-seriously do this for a summer. No-fucking-joke. I wouldn't even care that we won't like each other. Would be worth it.
If I was anything like my online persona, I would too.
You are... the doctor?
Was my reaction as well.I'd put my lifetime NPV up against anyone's.
I'm not sure why I thought Wang would like that story.
I liked it.I...I just hate my catch-up posts. They're not timely (obviously), they're stupid, and they offer no worthwhile content. Plus, nobody is ever here when I post them, so it just sits there as a monument to inanity.
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd like to make an amendment to the bolded: One of the said nights, I have to use the "Haaave you met Wang?" introduction on no less than two women and I have to work in that you have a 42" tv and a 56?" tv as well, no less than three but not more than five times.Edit: I'd also like the option of over-dressing excessively, i.e. wearing a tuxedo with many top hats, while dealing.
Amendment seconded and passed, though I am attaching a few riders. Under no circumstances will you be able to explain why you are the only person who calls me Wang. Secondly, you will have to mention that I'm really into sports, and it should really come out of left field. "So, Wang huh? That's, uh, an interesting name. How do you guys kn-" "He is really into sports."And I will certainly write a full overdressing clause into your contract. I might even be able to work out some perks if you wear multiple tophats at once. Not sure how much leeway I'm going to have there, though.
If I was anything like my online persona, I would too.I...I just hate my catch-up posts. They're not timely (obviously), they're stupid, and they offer no worthwhile content. Plus, nobody is ever here when I post them, so it just sits there as a monument to inanity.
Yeah, in many ways I am very much like my online persona, but I'm kind of awkward and stupid in person, whereas I'm given time to compose my thoughts here, so I'm much smoother. I think the weirdest part would be getting used to the quirky/strange parts of everyone's physical personalities/habits, since they're impossible to anticipate. Like, what if Shake just has this really annoying voice? Or Speedz blinks all the time? Catchup is awkward, but necessary. If there were no catchup, it would destroy the conversation's continuum. I usually read everything, and respond throughout the course of the day to things I find interesting. If I don't get to something I planned on addressing, it's usually because I've found something even more fun to talk about (which is a good thing).
Link to post
Share on other sites
Amendment seconded and passed, though I am attaching a few riders. Under no circumstances will you be able to explain why you are the only person who calls me Wang. Secondly, you will have to mention that I'm really into sports, and it should really come out of left field. "So, Wang huh? That's, uh, an interesting name. How do you guys kn-" "He is really into sports."
If we cast sickies in Caddyshack, would you have to be Mr. Wang?We need a name for this game where we put sickies in movie roles.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, btw, if by some off chance they do decide to check references...the excel sheet I created this summer pretty much cures cancer.
At the very least.
I'd like to make an amendment to the bolded: One of the said nights, I have to use the "Haaave you met Wang?" introduction on no less than two women and I have to work in that you have a 42" tv and a 56?" tv as well, no less than three but not more than five times.Edit: I'd also like the option of over-dressing excessively, i.e. wearing a tuxedo with many top hats, while dealing.
As long as you where gym shorts with no socks.
If we cast sickies in Caddyshack, would you have to be Mr. Wang?We need a name for this game where we put sickies in movie roles.
Couch casting obv.
Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was a sales manager at a Ford dealer for 3 years I had about 20 salespeople under me. If you didn't meetyour goal for the month then the following month before you could bring a deal to me you would have to call me,El Conquistador. Salespeople can get down and I was constantly trying to keep levity to the whole process. For years I have been yang or bigyang on the Bengals board so whenever I tailgate or run into one of the guys in public that's what they call me. The look on Deb's face was pretty funny the first time we tailgated and a group of people looked up and started, "Hey BIG YANG!"Speaking of the missus, i've mentioned for quite a while that her job was really tenuous if we didn't agree to move. Both of us have elderly parents and I have the first grandchild on the way and well, we just like where we live. Itwould suck to try and sell the house right now and anywhere we move would be more expensive. Anyway, she went ahead and gave them the word yesterday and Oct 10th is her last day. She doesn't have another job yetbut she does have a promising interview and really hasn't looked yet. If we had agreed to move she likelycould have gotten a job paying 200K a year but would have to travel and it would be high pressure and 15 hour days. At this point it's really more than we need and she jut isn't willing to do it anymore. It's really a case of money not buying happiness. I know that alot of Jews would cringe but eh, maybe Cane can relate. (kidding).

Link to post
Share on other sites
Since I'm usually the one doing the casting, I'm ok with this.Who wants to be first to audition for the role of Carl?
I'm not sure if it works, but I really want to be Judge Smails. Actually, my preferences in reverse order:3) Spaulding Smails2) D'Annunzio1) Judge SmailsI don't know if I could get any of those roles. Dawson is D'Annunzio, right?
Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Announcements


×
×
  • Create New...