I Called In Sick Today

[vbnautilus 48]

I am telling you, man, my command of Excel when this project began was almost non-existent. It's still not very good. I am still trying to get a handle on some of the regression stuff, and pretty much everything else in the analysis datapak add-on. Also: go fuck yourself.

Yeah I hate trying to do anything complex in Excel, its so convoluted. I find myself constantly looking up the parameter lists over and over each time I have to use a function. I should have a Bill Gates blowup doll next to my desk so I can punch it every time I need to do that.

[Tactical Bear 3]

I have to be honest with you, Wang. You're horrible at helping people name their pets.

Yeah, but I'm awesome at naming my own pets, as well as entertaining myself. You could name him Scott Peterson.

[Tactical Bear 3]

Yeah I hate trying to do anything complex in Excel, its so convoluted. I find myself constantly looking up the parameter lists over and over each time I have to use a function. I should have a Bill Gates blowup doll next to my desk so I can punch it every time I need to do that.

It was a useful experiment for me. Once I got to the point that I could hack shit together and solve whatever problem, however inefficiently, there were some pretty nifty things I felt I could do. The syntax is still goofy. Ouch had to teach me to use the ampersand (&) for something, and I have no idea what it does. I just know when I need to reference the value in a single cell for the logical_test parameter (AM I USING THAT WORD APPROPRIATELY?) of the COUNTIF() function, I have to use that fake-ass and symbol. Ampersand. That might be a good name for a cat. His name would probably have to be "&" though. Just the symbol. Actually, even better, you could name him "+" or "@," but pronounce it Ampersand.

[beans-n-icewater 18]

Ok...but it's a good 1/4'' that the door is above the frame on that side, so will I really be able to tighten the bottom hinge far enough to make it fit? I feel like there's only so far it can be tightened before I can't push it into the wood any farther. Further? Farther.

Wow.... sounds like the foundation is giving away.... wood floor, huh?Well, if the strike side has dropped that much something is moving, framing wise. Adjust the door as much as you can like above, then tighten in a couple sheetrock screws vertically into the door jamb above where the door is hitting it. Pre drill the jamb with an eighth inch bit so the screws pull more efficiently The trim will shift around and open/close gaps here and there, but at least the door will closeI wouldnt want to see a damn stripper practicing all the time, either

[speedz99 145]

Yeah, but I'm awesome at naming my own pets, as well as entertaining myself. You could name him Scott Peterson.

She's a she, motherfucker. Plus I'd like her name to not proclude me from making sex on any girls I know.

Ampersand. That might be a good name for a cat. His name would probably have to be "&" though. Just the symbol.

I kind of like this. My biggest problem with Cheeto Von Cheetoh is that I can't really add "ster" to any nicknames...Cheetster just doesn't sound right. But with & I could call her "Ampster" or "Ampy". Food for thought.

[speedz99 145]

I wouldnt want to see a damn stripper practicing all the time, either

Thanks for the help...and I live in a cave-ish room in the basement...I really only need the door to shut all the way so I don't have to worry about my roommates catching me cockhanded.

[Sickinfo2 291]

I live in a cave-ish room in the basement...

Oh... then odds are strong that the header above the door is sagging under the weight of the house aboveBe ready to run when the creaks and pops get louder and closer together....

[hank213 1,823]

I have a plan, though. I am going to give him NO BETTER than a 4/5 on his student evaluation in any category. Most will even be lower than that. LOWER. 3s and 2s.

You show him whats for!Her Majesty the ArchDuchess of Happenstance.

[speedz99 145]

Oh... then odds are strong that the header above the door is sagging under the weight of the house aboveBe ready to run when the creaks and pops get louder and closer together....

Does this affect the way I should approach it?

Her Majesty the ArchDuchess of Happenstance.

There's a lot of whimsy around here tonight.

[Sickinfo2 291]

Does this affect the way I should approach it?

Try doing the above steps, and if the vertical facing wont move upward it is because the header (double two by twelve supporting the weight above the door) is pressing down against it...If it wont move and the door still wont shut, your only options are cutting the door or removing the entire assembly, trimming the lower facing/bottom of the door, and re-hangingPersonally, at this point Id borrow a skil saw, cut the door top down a little and call it good... too much screwing isnt good for you, or so I hear

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

Jesus, considering that a lot of posts were about how this thread is dying, ketchup took a long time.

I adopted the cat. I need help thinking of names...right now there's only one possibility.Coworker: She's very cute.Speedz: Yeah, I think she looks like a little cheetah.Coworker: Cheeto?Speedz: Cheetah.So "Cheeto" is the only name in the running for now. She does kind of look like a cheeto.Yeah, it looked funny when I typed it, but it's really what he said.

I got distracted near the beginning of this post (see above: LONG TIME) and thought you were floating "Coworker" as a potential name, which seemed strange, even for a vet.

Yeah...it seems like almost everyone has mostly given up on the sick thread. Oh well.

Personally I'm waiting for a picture of MK in a particular tshirt before I really bring the funny again. I know I'm not the only one.

You're right. This thread is dying. I have actually spent a considerable amount of time thinking about it, and I'm pretty sure I know why. I mean, it's a lot of things, but more than anything:We know each other too well, anymore. Each one of us has heard every validation and criticism from every regular poster so many times that it's not new or exciting or, in many cases, worth offering anymore. I'm as good an example as anyone. You guys know what my stories are going to be like, because they're all the same. The circumstances change, but I've got a handful of foibles that, no matter where the story begins, lead me down the same road to the same tragicomic destination. By the same token, you've seen me flip out and get fired up about the same stupid shit -- Flushgarden is a humorless faggot, etc. -- so many times that you wouldn't blink (nor be expected to) if I did it one more time. It's all the same. That's the thing. It's all the same. I imagine our situation is analgous to being in a longterm relationship. No matter how exciting and interesting it is at first, there comes a time... the excitement fades; it becomes routine. We know each other too well, anymore. We know what's coming, and there's no reason to expect it to change. Sure, there's value in knowing what everyone's up to. I am following Speedz's racist stripper shaman roommates stories quite closely, but in the past there would have been a two-week back-and-forth during which we told each other how awesome he was, and made jokes, and thought of funny situations for the future. But we've done that. Shake's not going to tell me I'm funny. I'm not going to make sure Speedz is aware how fascinated I am. At some point, when comfort replaces the desire to impress and be accepted, people just stop trying. I dunno, I've been kinda busy lately, too, though, so I could be wrong.Wang

that's hot.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

I've got some fantastic girl on girl stories.

So I just went to refill my cup of Sugar-Free Cherry Limeade and I finished off the pitcher. Normally I just make more right away. This time, the spout was dripping and instinctually, I licked it, to keep the red stuff from dripping on the floor. I said out loud, to no one, because I'm the only one home (besides the dog who was in the other room), "Great. Now I have to wash that." So, what would you do? Would you wash it? Or would you just make more sugar-free cherry limeade and put the pitcher back in the fridge? Or would you put the empty and saliva spouted pitcher in the fridge?

is this code?

I think part of what Wang says is true, nobody is going to go bonkers if there is an overly amusing story. It really takes something like, i don't know, a internet thread helping to break up a relationship via a phonographic gift to get everyone's juices flowing.Also, there are a large number of people who lurk this thread anonymously. I got a number of PM's and IM's from other FCPers about my mom, that read about it in here. I did not post it anywhere else. Even Cane and VB chimed in recently.I still think, there is an intimidation factor for new posters coming in here. It's not exactly an open invitation. Not that that is a bad thing, but most people are not just going to jump into an ongoing conversation that has been going on for 3+ years, with people who know each other. It's kind of like butting in.Of course there are people like me and brvheart, who don't care and butt in anyway. Both of could have easily stopped posting after our first few posts in this thread were met with angst. Now I annoy all of you with woes of my family, set mex up with no sex jokes, and ask Beans how to fix ridiculous shit, which reminds me, I have to replace another garbage disposal tonight. It somehow got a screw logged in it and destroyed the inside. But hey, now I know how to do it.MK is going to send me some shaman directions on how to heal my mother.Wang helps me with my grammar.Sal makes me feel better about myself.Strat annoys me with IM's on stock picks.Ou..JLL - helps fix my computer and excel spreadsheets and sends me links to some lovely ladies on occasion.Everyone has their place.

Quoted for phonographic, since Wang missed it.

Then why am I wasting all this time talking to you?

I was wondering the same thing, to be honest.

EDIT: Less than 30 minutes start to finish on the garbage disposal change out, including clean out. SUCK ON THAT!

I repeat - is this code? I'd rather not suck on your used garbage disposal.That wasn't code.

[JubilantLankyLad 1,957]

...why?

I think she thinks you adopted a No.

It's true. Sal Paradise is like ShakeZuma if he had a year long pity party for himself. Well, I guess he's not like that, he is that. Donna Martin graduates Bring back Shake!

Classic Shake:

I'm gonna come out there and take your job.

Interestingly, also Current Sal

I enjoyed this.

As did I, even though I can't remember what it refers to now that I'm posting. I just remember agreeing with you.

Rage and Self Loathing at Retard UniversityDr. Asian: "Okay. Okay. Well, you should fix it up, commercialize it." (Shuts door in Wang's face.)

Fuck that dude. No comma. I'm coming to the same conclusion on my payroll spreadsheet - I don't know why we pay a payroll company when all they do is duplicate the information that my spreadsheet calculates.

Actually, even better, you could name him "+" or "@," but pronounce it Ampersand.

This is good stuff. And the ampersand allows you to bring the string in the cell into your formula code.

[Sal Paradise 57]

yeah, catchup took so long this morning that I couldn't finish it at home. so, being the good poster that I am, I copied all the quotes that I had already saved and emailed them to myself so I could continue at work. could be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever done.

Sal makes me feel better about myself.

I think that's pretty much my place for everybody now. my life is worse than mexico's even.

Hi Buffalo021

hey how's it going.

You know, I think I am going to change my answer to this. You really haven't been as funny since you stopped being Shake. It's like changing accounts sapped you of your powers. I'll make you a deal: you start being funny/awesome (and/or go back to Shake), and I will acknowledge and praise you each and every time.

nah, can't go back to shake until it fits again. I'm still me right now, so the bitterness, anger, and general self hatred ain't gonna go away by changing screen names.

Can you tell me why you are no longer Shake? I am curious. Not "Voldemort loses his job and when I learn about how/why, I think 'serves you right!' for like a half-second before I feel really guilty about that, because, come on, who lets his girlfriend open his mail?" curious, but curious nonetheless. I like you a lot more than most people around here, despite the waning of your awesome, so, come on, let Uncle Wang in on the secret.

no real secret or big reason for the switch. I made a pretty awesome post for post 9,999, somebody pointed it out, and I decided to change names to keep it at that number and on that post. posted once more to make it 10,000 (another pretty awesome post) and left it at that.

I was just checking the dates on this country music festival I'm going to in August and I noticed that Kellie Pickler is going to be there (as well as T Swift). SUCK ON THAT SAL.

oh hey would you like a companion you would cool thanks.

I hope that you can nail this guy - I hate reading about scum like this

yeah guapo, please do whatever you can to make sure this guy can't do it again. we already have laws in place to protect people in situations like this, we just have to use them. if you don't, and stuff like this continues to happen, that's how we get a slew of new laws that don't really do anything but raise costs more. the power of the economy is in your hands!

Not bad for a ten minute project....

hahaha

You could name him Scott Peterson.

man I love this idea. how great of a name would that be? guess I need to get two cats. one would be Beavis and the other would be Jeffrey Dahmer. a great combo in my opinion.

[Bizzle 0]

Her Majesty the Duchess of Crunkington. Lady Crunkington II, Miss Crunkington if You're Nasty. (There was already a Lady Crunkington.) Reichmistress of Crunkville. You know, those are just templates.

Just don't name the cat Bitty. My mom got a new cat last summer, named it Bitty for the obvious reasons, and my initial thought whenever I see it is "I wonder if I could use Bitty to kick a PAT."

Ok...but it's a good 1/4'' that the door is above the frame on that side, so will I really be able to tighten the bottom hinge far enough to make it fit? I feel like there's only so far it can be tightened before I can't push it into the wood any farther. Further? Farther.

Solid.

[Nikki_N 17]

EDIT: Less than 30 minutes start to finish on the garbage disposal change out, including clean out. SUCK ON THAT!

No thanks.

I wish I knew how to do stuff. And things too.My door doesn't close...the side above the knob is too high for the frame. I think I need to throw a shim (if that's the right word and/or thing) under the top hinge. Maybe I'll give it a shot. My mother scarred me for life when, in college, I was fixing things around our shitty frat house and building a booth for a charity carnival. I was telling her about it, including the power tools I was using, and what was her reaction? "Matthew, you're Jewish! You pay other people to do those things for you." It was right about then when I started truly loathing the culture I was born into.

Your mom sounds like a hoot.

Rage and Self Loathing at Retard UniversityI have a plan, though. I am going to give him NO BETTER than a 4/5 on his student evaluation in any category. Most will even be lower than that. LOWER. 3s and 2s.

That'll teach him.

Thanks for the help...and I live in a cave-ish room in the basement...I really only need the door to shut all the way so I don't have to worry about my roommates catching me cockhanded.

I'm picturing your roommates catching you cockhanded and it's kinda hot.

man I love this idea. how great of a name would that be? guess I need to get two cats. one would be Beavis and the other would be Jeffrey Dahmer. a great combo in my opinion.

This combo is a winner in the sick humor category, but it may keep you from making sex with girls.It's raining here, again. Thunder and all. It was still all dark when I woke up due to the storms. I had a really weird dream that was very disconcerting in which I was storming through my house screaming obscenities at some random neighbor supposedly hiding in my house.

[mk 11]

We let people like MK make the day to day trades, then we go find firms that have a lot of MK's making our clients money.

brag: put a trade on this morning then quite literally ran to the john where i dropped RAW BUSINESS (drank for ~10 hours yesterday then ate indian food) for a good 20-25 minutes, occasionally pausing to wipe the sweat from my brow and catch my breath. when i came back to my desk one of my co-workers was trying to work out of the position i'd put on mere minutes ago because it had already paid. this kind of thing never happens anymore. trading is ez?

...and the entire class is awestruck by it's utter dominance.

Really? YOU?

Plus I'd like her name to not proclude me from making sex on any girls I know.I kind of like this. My biggest problem with Cheeto Von Cheetoh is that I can't really add "ster" to any nicknames...Cheetster just doesn't sound right. But with & I could call her "Ampster" or "Ampy". Food for thought.

You too? wtfre cat names: i always wanted to name a male cat lawrence. you could hang out and call him larry. larry the cat.

Personally I'm waiting for a picture of MK in a particular tshirt before I really bring the funny again. I know I'm not the only one.

gdi i really need to do this

[Sal Paradise 57]

but it may keep you from making sex with girls.

it's ok. my face does that already.

[DOG 0]

For JLL:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttZeH7zNU8M

[El Guapo 8]

For JLL:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttZeH7zNU8M

I know that was only posted for Jon, but I clicked on it and enjoyed it. I just wish they hadn't kept panning out.

[CaneBrain 95]

Well I am working full time now (which is both awesome and really crappy), so I will try to come in here and post more. I have no problems just pretending like I know everybody (and I know Guapo and Mexico as well as you can know people you have never actually met) so there you go.Ron, I am getting Dolphins season tix this year so we might have to try again but with more feeling.

[loogie 115]

Guap, I just ketched up, and I'm very sorry to read about your mom.I recently finished my 2nd quarter at school, and right before my panel review, where I had to present all of my best work for the quarter to the heads of the Copywriting Dept., my car was broken into in the school parking lot. They busted my front passenger window and grabbed my backpack which was on the floor in front of the seat. It had my crappy Toshiba laptop, 2nd generation iPod, and about $90 worth of markers in it. Most unfortunately for me, the laptop had a ton of pictures, writings, and music of which I have no backup. It also had the two radio spots which I had produced for my panel review.Panel review went fine. I had my radio spots typed and mounted, so I just read them. The spots actually went over great, probably better than they would have if I had just played the produced spots. I did all the voices and it was fun and funny. One was for Mach3 Turbo Razors, and I wrote about a group therapy session for men whose fathers never taught them how to shave. While one guy is sharing, his father bursts through the door and tells him to use Mach3 razors, and then they share a moment. Tag: Bringing families closer.The other was for 1-800-FLOWERS, and I called it "Mrs. Soprano". An Italian/New Jersey family is celebrating Mother's Day. Johnny, the youngest child, isn't home for Mother's Day and it's all Mom can talk about. She's killing him for it, and Sonny, her son obv, is chiming in as well. Finally, flowers get delivered and they're from Johnny, and Mom's heart suddenly softens...until Sonny starts to say, "Yeah, but it's not like he brought them over himself that no good--" and Mom interrupts by screaming, "You don't talk about your brother that way! He's a saint!" Tag: The favorite never forgets.Yesterday I acquired and maxed a Juniper Visa to get my new MacBook Pro and iPod Nano. I can't play Ultimate Bet on a Mac, though, unless I get Virtual PC. I just don't know if it's worth it.

[speedz99 145]

Fuck that dude. No comma.

I laughed at this and then felt a wee bit of shame for finding it funny. Grammar humor!

man I love this idea. how great of a name would that be? guess I need to get two cats. one would be Beavis and the other would be Jeffrey Dahmer. a great combo in my opinion.

She's a girl. I need girl name ideas. Channel your inner Shake and help a brother out.

re cat names: i always wanted to name a male cat lawrence. you could hang out and call him larry. larry the cat.

Girl names! Girl names!

Well I am working full time now (which is both awesome and really crappy), so I will try to come in here and post more. I have no problems just pretending like I know everybody (and I know Guapo and Mexico as well as you can know people you have never actually met) so there you go.

Welcome, and I'm sorry about your full time workingness. Are you an attorney? I feel like you might have just finished law school...which I guess these days could mean that now you're doing just about anything, with law being low on the list of possibilities.

The other was for 1-800-FLOWERS, and I called it "Mrs. Soprano". An Italian/New Jersey family is celebrating Mother's Day. Johnny, the youngest child, isn't home for Mother's Day and it's all Mom can talk about. She's killing him for it, and Sonny, her son obv, is chiming in as well. Finally, flowers get delivered and they're from Johnny, and Mom's heart suddenly softens...until Sonny starts to say, "Yeah, but it's not like he brought them over himself that no good--" and Mom interrupts by screaming, "You don't talk about your brother that way! He's a saint!" Tag: The favorite never forgets.

Please tell me that you were doing horribly offensive Italian accents.

[CaneBrain 95]

Welcome, and I'm sorry about your full time workingness. Are you an attorney? I feel like you might have just finished law school...which I guess these days could mean that now you're doing just about anything, with law being low on the list of possibilities.

Yeah I just started at a midsize law firm with about 6 offices in Florida. About 50% of my graduating class is still unemployed so I consider myself very lucky. I do have to work while I study for the bar which sucks. Most people with jobs dont start until early September so they can just study and veg right now. I get to make a lot of money earlier though so I should not be whining. More opportunity to post on here as well.

[Sal Paradise 57]

One was for Mach3 Turbo Razors, and I wrote about a group therapy session for men whose fathers never taught them how to shave. While one guy is sharing, his father bursts through the door and tells him to use Mach3 razors, and then they share a moment. Tag: Bringing families closer.The other was for 1-800-FLOWERS, and I called it "Mrs. Soprano". An Italian/New Jersey family is celebrating Mother's Day. Johnny, the youngest child, isn't home for Mother's Day and it's all Mom can talk about. She's killing him for it, and Sonny, her son obv, is chiming in as well. Finally, flowers get delivered and they're from Johnny, and Mom's heart suddenly softens...until Sonny starts to say, "Yeah, but it's not like he brought them over himself that no good--" and Mom interrupts by screaming, "You don't talk about your brother that way! He's a saint!" Tag: The favorite never forgets.

GET THIS GUY A CORNER OFFICE

She's a girl. I need girl name ideas. Channel your inner Shake and help a brother out.

whorey mcsluterson? I'm not good at naming girls I guess.